Is DH taking advantage of me?

[Gillybean9]

I don’t know if this is peri menopausal feelings, SAD or genuine feelings towards my DH but I feel so low atm in our marriage.
He's very loving and fun to be around. We have been married for over ten years, together for a lot longer, have a small child.
I own my own business and am quite successful though very stressed.
We have a good lifestyle, numerous holidays, nice house, nice cars. Everything is paid for by me, pretty much.
My husband works for me - it was only supposed to be a temporary gig. That was just over three years ago. He’s paid well. He has a company vehicle. Everything paid for.
His contribution to the house is 35% of the mortgage per month - an arrangement I made as he was struggling each month. He pays for the gas/electric and 50% towards the weekly shop and he pays for his own phone, netflix.
I pay for everything else. His vehicle insurance. His fuel. I buy 90% of our child’s clothes.
its difficult having him work for me and he brings a lot of stresses back home to me. Trivial things that I needn’t know about. I want him to find another job. He knows this. But hasn’t applied for even one.
I put the deposit down on the house. I pair for the kitchen, the bathroom, all of the furniture. He bought the tv.
he makes out that he’s skint but I don’t know where he spends his money.

i pay for our holidays.
i book and arrange everything - he doesn’t arrange anything at all.
if there’s work to be done in the house, I have to find a tradesman and pay.
we’ve had a leaky gutter since the start of December. It’s not caused damp and mould in the house.
Ive sat on it waiting for him to solve but he hasn’t. These things are always left to me.
he always jokes about the perks he has being married to me.
I think I’m being taken advantage of.
i send him jobs that I think he could go for, but he won’t. He wants to change his career and I’ve told him to volunteer at various placements that I’ve found for him. I told him I’ll support us even more financially whilst he retrains but he just won’t do anything.
I’m 40 now.
Am I being ridiculous here. Am I being taken advantage of.

Hmm, but if it's a wage going out of the business that is basically a made up job and would be covered in someone else's role, then while it's doing the family finances a favour and keeping him busy, it's not great for the business.

Would you employ somebody else in his place if he found a job?

Read more now. I would make his role redundant and absorb his work into another role. Bad business to just make a job and provide a car, insurance, fuel.

Do it properly and legally. He's had 3 years to get another job.

I'd say he knows which side his bread is buttered, that's for sure.

Why should you pay for him to re-train? He is a grown adult and needs to sort himself out.

Ask him not to talk about work at home and see if that helps the situation.

I would feel resentful too if I was paying for most things.

Yep. It seems you see him as an employee not a partner.

also without knowing how much he earns and how much you earn it’s impossible to say who is taking advantage of who (if anyone is…)

Op not sure if anyone else has pointed this out but you are in a tricky position here. He's worked for you for more than 2 years, so he has protections under employment law. Take the marital relationship out of the equation for a second, any employee being told they need to find another job despite their performance being excellent could have recourse to an employment tribunal. I would strongly suggest you get some employment law advice before you raise this with your husband again,or you could find yourself in a very difficult position.

He'd be crazy to give up his job, pay is pretty decent for PT work, he's good at it so presumably enjoys it, it's flexible/family friendly and as a household you don't need him to earn more.

It sounds like on the whole your marriage is good and he's a decent guy & good to be around. Yes you're more Alpha and he's not, but that can be more harmonious. Having said that I wouldn't want to live with my boss or an employee, so I completely understand why you want to separate work and family life.
Annoying that you have to take on the role of managing the home, but he's obviously never going to be captain of the ship, but he's obviously sounds like he contributes fairly in every other domain. Yes you contribute more financially, but you earn more, so that's fair enough.

@Gillybean9
As you are 1 of 4 business partners and you say his role/workload can be easily absorbed by another employee, isn't there a business case for making him redundant? What do your business partners think? How were you able to create this role for him? Was this with their support? Did they assume they were going you a favour and that his role wasn't needed?
I think a redundancy is the perfect solution, he gets a little pay-off then a chance to find another job. Seems legit as the role is redundant and you wouldn't be replacing him.

However, the gamble for you is that he doesn't get another job. Then you really are screwed.
Would he be angry at being made redundant by the business? You say he does a good job, he could argue that you should find him another role in the business.
It's very hard to advise these points, not sure the size of the business & if you have a HR department, but you (as a business) should seek legal advice and make sure everything is done fairly and correctly and to allow your DH to keep his dignity and make him feel confident about getting another job elsewhere. He is obviously going to assume you have made him redundant so you would be wise to ensure it looks like a business decision that was out of your control.

But they are married? With a child? And she out earns him (presumably significantly given their lifestyle?) Why is this unfair?
If you don't want to share finances, don't get married and don't have children.