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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Struggles in a blended family

44 replies

RoloMom · 28/01/2025 14:13

Hi, I'd really like to hear the perspective of others in similar situations. We have a blended family, I have two boys and my OH has one. While my co parenting relationship is a bit strained, he lives abroad and calls with the boys 3 times a week, and has visits 5 times a year, apart from arranging calls, there is little need for contact between us. My other halves situation is very different. They text daily, work together, she asks for life advise, he lends her money, they have a dinner together, with thr rest of us, once a week, and still celebrate all occasions together. Which means all occasions with my boys (apart from their own birthdays) are spent with his ex, her new child and her partner. To say I find this all very difficult is an understatement, I feel like there are no boundaries and we have no private life. It has caused significant strain on our relationship, and while our time toehyehr was always last on thr list, it's becoming less and less of a priority. He is frustrated with me, nd says I am immature and too insecure to deal with the situation, and has always maintained he does all for his son only. He has told me his son comes first , and always will. On top of that, He has never wanted me to know his income, says its his money and that thr house is his also. I feel increasingly unloved. I continue to make his dinners, his lunches for work and I do all the cooking for the kids , all the washing and cleaning of thr house, along with working full time, all without thanks. I feel a bit lost and alone. I just would love people's opinions, specifically if you have any personal insight to a smiliar situation. Thank you.

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 28/01/2025 14:16

It sounds all too much, very enmeshed and I understand why you don't like it. But why have you gone along with it so long. Why did you even get to the stage of I assume living together if you don't like the way he does things..

Do your DC enjoy this time, or is it at a detriment to their lives.

sometimesmovingforwards · 28/01/2025 14:20

I saw what looked like a similar situation once. Decided it wasn’t for me and exited the potential relationship early.

RoloMom · 28/01/2025 19:40

What does DC mean?

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 28/01/2025 19:50

Why are you putting up with a situation that would make any rational person unhappy?
Why are you modelling this behaviour for your children?
Why are you working full-time AND doing all the domestic labour?
What steps are you taking to leave, as he has zero respect for you- enmeshed relationship with his ex, happy to watch you work yourself into the ground and his finances are his own.

Come on, OP.

pictoosh · 28/01/2025 19:58

They sound closely involved with one another but not necessarily romantically. Was their close relationship not evident from the beginning, or at least, when you two got serious and decided to move in together? Were you ok with it then? What has changed?

MiddleAgedDread · 28/01/2025 20:04

It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. I’d run a mile personally, it’s hard enough at times having an OH who has kids and as little to do with his ex (not the kids, well involved with them) as possible!

Caiti19 · 28/01/2025 21:24

Are you married to this man?

LePetitMaman · 28/01/2025 21:30

Who's house is it?

You need to leave/he needs to leave.

He doesn't even respect you.

Anonym00se · 28/01/2025 21:33

I don’t know anyone who’d tolerate that. So you have to spend Christmas and his birthday celebrating with his ex?

prlofty · 28/01/2025 21:38

Are you sure you aren’t the nurse and nanny?

To save the others, can you tell us how you were talked into it?
What country are you in? For cultural context.

fluffyblanky · 28/01/2025 21:43

My mum and dad split up when I was young and he was always about when my step dad was there.

I also get on very well with my kids dad and wouldn't hesitate to have him around with new partner. It's amazing that people can be this grown up about it and much better for the children surely? My ex and I have no romantic interest in eachother at all.

prlofty · 28/01/2025 21:44

RoloMom · 28/01/2025 19:40

What does DC mean?

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/acronyms

Darling/Dear Children.

Most things starting with a D are Dear. However, it is often used incorrectly, for instance ‘My DH has been financially controlling me’.

Acronyms List | Mumsnet

What exactly does AIBU mean? Read the full list of acronyms and abbreviations you will find on our forums, including both Mumsnet specific and general terms.

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/acronyms

Secondstart1001 · 28/01/2025 22:40

RoloMom · 28/01/2025 19:40

What does DC mean?

It’s short for darling children I think :)
I will spend kids birthday with ex so that’s 2 times a year we do something and that’s enough for me. There’s a reason why people divorce and that’s to have seperate lives from each other. .. your partner and his ex are very much entangled in each others lives. I would not be ok with this.

RoloMom · 28/01/2025 22:55

Thanks for the feedback.
I knew they got on from the beginning yes, I did not know that it went beyond that, to co dependence. There is zero privacy, she knows all details of our lives, and also has him on tap for financial, emotional, co parenting support and they still dine together and spend all special occasions together. It's beyond all that at this stage though, he has become so frustrated with me 'not just getting on with' what he wants to be the norm for all of us, that he doesn't even speak to me, goes to work without a word, comes back without a word, oh but he'll eat the lunches and meals i cook, and his son does too (although he might occasionally tell me he prefers his mother's cooking). I was out of the house recently when he expected me home, nd he gave out to me for not being there when his son was dropped off, he had not asked me to be, and essentially told me I do what I like and abandon all my responsibilities. He's also told me he no longer wants to have a parenting role for my two boys and that they are fully my responsibility. I pay for all their expenses, while he pays at the very least half of his sons, s well as paying a generous maintenance to her. He has a 6 figure salary, i have a salary that is 20% of his, and I pay for all groceries for the household, including the meals with his ex..... I have become invisible in my own home, and my worth is diminishing rapidly.

OP posts:
TriangleLight · 28/01/2025 22:57

Why on earth are you doing this, @RoloMom ?

The mind boggles

RoloMom · 28/01/2025 23:00

At this point, I don't know what I'm doing to be quite honest.

OP posts:
MostlyHappyMummy · 28/01/2025 23:00

You need some real life support - if this is not another made up thread - because it's not normal to become a live in maid but not get paid for it and not realise you need to leave

TriangleLight · 28/01/2025 23:01

It’s time to stop it and look after you and your DCs

RoloMom · 28/01/2025 23:17

For further context, this woman brings her other child to these meals too, so we also have to feed her, she's got a significant promotion and raise at work through him, she texts/calls at any hour of thr day, and has all demands met, advise for work, what new car should I get, I'm looking at buying this house, what do you think, relationship issues, there's no limit, it's like she thinks she owns him. He'll give out to me about her asking for various things or complaining about work, but she'll get what she wants from him regardless.

He is ten years my senior, and she is older still, so it is not like i should feel threatened by anything about this woman in any way, but she will not release him from her grasp, nd he's not putting up a fight to get out from under her.
I don't know what I have done to deserve the 180 in his behavior, from adoring me and showing me nothing but respect and affection and support, to this. My friends tell me that he should feel lucky to have somebody 10 years younger on his arm, and instead I feel completely taken advantage of.

OP posts:
Caiti19 · 28/01/2025 23:20

It seems you are aware you are in an abusive relationship. That's the first step. Can you elaborate on what's holding you back from leaving? Are you married or cohabiting?

SunflowerTed · 28/01/2025 23:21

You know deep down that this relationship is over. This man has zero respect for you and your needs.are bottom of the pile.. get rid!

Natty13 · 28/01/2025 23:27

I don't know what I have done to deserve the 180 in his behavior, from adoring me and showing me nothing but respect and affection and support, to this. My friends tell me that he should feel lucky to have somebody 10 years younger on his arm, and instead I feel completely taken advantage of.

He did that to get you, and he's got you now. He has you cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, looking after his child etc etc and you do it all for no effort on his part, for the price of an argument every now and then. He wins in this situation every day that you put up and shut up. He isn't going to wake up tomorrow and respect or value you, so you must respect yourself and stop putting up with this. I think you'll find when you stop acting like a household appliance/doormat then he suddenly won't have use for you any more

Ohlawdnotagain · 28/01/2025 23:33

Time to prioritise your own DC.

This sounds unkind but honestly the mind boggles. What example are you setting to your DCs.

Please reassess your self worth as surely you are worth more than being a cook, cleaner, housemaid and a regular shag for him.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 28/01/2025 23:36

No way you should be paying and cooking for all the family!!! And doing all the cleaning while being yelled at / given the silent treatment

Get out now this is not a relationship you are being treated worse than a maid

TwistedWonder · 28/01/2025 23:46

I feel completely taken advantage of.

That’s because you are. I knew before you posted it that there would be an age gap. He’s taking you for a mug OP. You’re not a blended family, you’re his domestic servant and you’re laying him for the privilege.

Why would you stay with a man who treats you like second best and refuses to take any parental responsibility for you DC who live under the same roof as him.

You were love bombed by this man and now hrs hug you where you want to, he’s emotionally abusing you. This man doesn't love or respect you, you’re just his housemaid.

Find your self respect , prioritise your children and get out of this shit show.