Am I being unreasonable in the attitude towards my PIL?

[Alotofgrey]

I have my parents and my OH has his. Mine are always offering support wherever possible. Always interested in visiting grandkids and helping out if we need help. They are all local so it’s not distance causing an issue. My OH’s parents don’t do anything, they don’t visit or call or ask about grandkids. If we go over then they pleasant enough but don’t actively do anything. They drive, no health conditions, they just don’t seem interested. Over time I’ve got fed up having to always make an effort in the relationship with them. It’s not how I have grown up and it’s not something I promote to my kids. If people aren’t interested then we shouldn’t have to make them be. We’ve stopped visiting and they haven’t really noticed or said anything.

My OH has a sibling who pretty much does all the relationship with them also, they forever baking cakes and taking over etc. They are always trying to maintain the relationship but they don’t get visited also. I’ve just stopped doing any of this now because if they can’t make an effort I don’t see why we should. I can’t decide if they like having people make such an effort when they know they can sit and do nothing. My OH just says it’s them. They do make an effort though for things that they want.

Am I being unreasonable? I’d rather bake cakes etc for those who actually make an effort with us. If they wanted a relationship with their grandkids and us wouldn’t they actively do something?

You are being perfectly reasonable.

If they wanted to see you they would.

Thanks. It feels like they want a relationship but one based on us doing all the work. I just can’t be bothered anymore.

I tried so hard with my FIL (my MIL died before I even met DH) when DD was born going round, having him round but he just wasn’t interested at all.

I then left it to DH and we probably saw him 3 times a year 2013-2020 then Covid hit and he withdrew completely.
DH the started seeing him for lunch but nothing with the kids.
he died last April and the kids weren’t bothered at all particularly as they had no real relationship with him

it was a two way street and he didn’t want to make any effort either. The funeral was hard as there was a photo montage of all the things he was happy doing and not a single one of them (thanks SIL!)

Yes, you reap what you sow. If you put no effort into fostering a good relationship with your grandchildren, they won't make any effort with you in later life. My DC didnt see one grandparent as they were growing up as the grandparent was 'too busy living their own life' once they retired. Now the grandparent is in their 80s suffering from ill health they complain they haven't seen their grandchildren. I do so enjoy my kids telling them they are 'too busy'.

I think it's a good thing that you can see that they have a similar lack of interest in your OH's sibling. Other wise it would be easy to take their attitude as something personal against you or your OH or your DC.
I think it's the right thing to do for you to stop making all the effort. On the proviso that if they do ever start taking an active interest you are receptive towards them and don't hold their past behaviour against them.

They will arrange the odd thing once in a blue moon. Take pics of them with the grandkids and parade them around like they are amazing grandparents and this annoys me. When in reality they don’t do anything, never visit. I don’t sell my kids so cheaply, I don’t like it. If you want people to know you are great grandparents you need to actually be doing something

Yes they have a similar interest in them in that they don’t visit but the other sibling is ok it seams making all the effort of taking their kids over all the time.

YANBU. Disinterested grandparents are awful to be around, so why subject your kids to people who don’t bother with them?

Effort needs to come from both sides, not just you.

How old are your kids - Covid hit as mine were 11 and 8 so well aware of the disinterest and the whole thing fell apart from there

Unfortunately you can’t force people to make an effort but you don’t have to tolerate it.

surround yourself with likeminded people who want to spend time with you and your family.

YANBU. But I also can't tell if it's you personally making the effort or you and DH. The relationship with ILs is not wife work. Let him take the lead. And if he already is then he INBU to step back

You've listened to what they've told you. Why put yourself through trying for a connection/relationship where one side has no interest?

Is someone not happy with the situation @Alotofgrey ?

It was me making the effort because I wanted us to be close etc, naively thinking that this is what they would want. I thought they’d want to be in their grandkids lives as they are obviously amazing kids. What seems apparent is that they want to appear to be great but making zero effort and us doing all the work to maintain it. I haven’t the time or energy for this.

I thought at the time is was the right thing to do. Perhaps I wasn’t making enough effort but the more we put in made no difference so I’ve backed off now. I wasn’t sure if this was me being rude.

Are you my sister in law? 😀 Sounds like my Mum, zero interest since day one of any grandkids. She’s old now and forever moaning that she sees no one, I wonder why? You reap what you sow

I don't think you're being rude at all @Alotofgrey , they're not interested - don't start fawning, you would only feel worse and they wouldn't respect you any the more for it.

Don't doubt yourself, you're doing just fine

What’s fawning?

Then stop - don't spend the time or energy. Relationships are a two way thing.

Sucking up to them basically or baking cakes for them. That wasn't an instruction to you not to fawn by the way, it was an agreement that you had made enough effort already and there was no point in trying any more.

It’s the epitome of uncaring and shallowness in my book.

Sadly, it’s not at all unique, there are far too many threads on here about emotionally inept grandparents.

Thankfully for your DCs, your parents are the complete opposite.

I don't know why ones parents have to be interested in ones children, tbh. You've made a lot of effort and are feeling cross that they don't reciprocate so stop pushing it, accept they're not bothered (apart from the odd photo and that's not going to hurt, is it?) and enjoy and appreciate the relationship you have with your own family.

ah yes. No I have no intention of doing any more. I tried because I felt like I should because we do for my parents but then they make a lot of effort with us so it seems natural to want to do nice things for them also. I know there is a saying that people won’t always tell you they don’t like you but they will show you.

No it doesn’t hurt it’s just a bit annoying. Once a year take a photo, tell everyone you so proud of your grandkids whilst people swoon over you whilst behind the scenes you have no relationship at all. It’s odd really but I suppose they need to save face because the truth won’t go down well with friends etc.

Sounds like my in-laws

They couldn't give a rats ass about our kids but on occasions demand their presence to look like the perfect granny and grandpappy

Then doesn't bother again
It's irritating and rude

What a weird thing to say. They’re your family, unless you’re just cold-hearted and don’t care about family!! In fact what’s the point in having children at all then. I believe you stay close to your children/parents all your life. It doesn’t simply end when they leave home or have a family. What a tiny minded sad attitude.