Am I being unreasonable in the attitude towards my PIL?

[Alotofgrey]

I have my parents and my OH has his. Mine are always offering support wherever possible. Always interested in visiting grandkids and helping out if we need help. They are all local so it’s not distance causing an issue. My OH’s parents don’t do anything, they don’t visit or call or ask about grandkids. If we go over then they pleasant enough but don’t actively do anything. They drive, no health conditions, they just don’t seem interested. Over time I’ve got fed up having to always make an effort in the relationship with them. It’s not how I have grown up and it’s not something I promote to my kids. If people aren’t interested then we shouldn’t have to make them be. We’ve stopped visiting and they haven’t really noticed or said anything.

My OH has a sibling who pretty much does all the relationship with them also, they forever baking cakes and taking over etc. They are always trying to maintain the relationship but they don’t get visited also. I’ve just stopped doing any of this now because if they can’t make an effort I don’t see why we should. I can’t decide if they like having people make such an effort when they know they can sit and do nothing. My OH just says it’s them. They do make an effort though for things that they want.

Am I being unreasonable? I’d rather bake cakes etc for those who actually make an effort with us. If they wanted a relationship with their grandkids and us wouldn’t they actively do something?

YANBU.
My situation is a lot like yours. My parents are/were very involved and love/d being with my children. My in laws don't seems bothered. I always tried to make an effort but seeing them drive an hour each way to their other son to look after his children, when they can't drive 10 mins down the road to see ours really got my goat.
During covid, DH is a first responder and I was inbetween work so looked after our 3 children (7 and under). Not once did I get a phone call from the in laws asking if we were OK or if they could facetime the children.

I'm no contact now and what sealed the deal was the my mum was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago - given weeks to live. DH obviously told the inlaws in the beginning but then got busy with work and the children while I spent all my time with my mum. Not once did they phone me or him and offer any help/support. I saw FIL the day before my mum died and he didn't even say he was sorry. He banged on about the other grandchildren, how my oldest wasn't practising the piano enough (he'd been giving him piano lessons) and said they were going on holiday 2 weeks later.
I flipped and told DH I never wanted to see them ever again and they weren't welcome at the funeral.

My FIL is interested in his children and grandchildren on a superficial level. He asks how we are or how our son is, but it's more because he feels he should ask. Don't get me wrong he does love his children and grandchildren but he's not really interested in our lives. He probably bothers more with our son, than his other 4 grandchildren, because we've tried to make sure our son has some kind of relationship with him. My BIL's 2 youngest barely know who he is, there's zero relationship there. Some of it is because my BIL hasn't been bothered but equally neither has my FIL. Whereas my parents spend time with us, they ask about us and our son, they'll help out and generally want to see us. We in turn make an effort with them too. My FIL bangs on about how much he loves his children and grandchildren, but actions speak louder than words, and his scream 'not bothered'.

Having children doesn't mean you have to be interested in their children. I appreciate the different points of view on this thread so perhaps I'm not the small-minded one, eh?

Having children generally means you are interested in your own children and their life which then extends to the children of your children. But that’s normal emotionally development people. I understand some people are cold and not emotionally developed or selfish. Just a shame that we got the short straw but it is what it is. My kids have a lovely relationship with my parents and they will be visited as they age. Life is about the people by our side through the journey and they will be alone as they age.

Alotofgrey

re your comment:
" Life is about the people by our side through the journey and they will be alone as they age."

Precisely and to this end I give you a very condensed but salutary tale in how such decisions can play out.

My parents certainly would never have been given any Grandparents of the Year award. They displayed photos of us all but that was about the sum total of their overall involvement.

I used to feel sad that we were seemingly the only family without grandparents present on days out but I found other people in the self same boat.

The writing though was on the wall years earlier when my mother told me she would not look after any children I went on to have because she wanted a life of her own.

She stuck to her word and my dad went along with it also out of want of a quiet life. She made a life mainly consisting of holidays, shopping and cleaning my brother's house (he living on his own and with no dependents).

In those intervening years I carved out a life for myself both inside and outside the home, used Sitters for evenings out and surrounded myself also with good people in DH's family who were supportive.

Present day my brother has moved many miles away from my parents and. I have a superficial relationship with my now elderly parents. They reap what they sow.

Please, if you’re not interested in your children’s children, it actually shows you’re not interested in your own children. So why have them?! Do you not have family events, go on holiday together? All sounds very odd and miserable. Unless you have dysfunctional relationships, then yes you probably don’t want to bother with your children and by extension your children’s children. My MIL is like this and also a nasty piece of work, we don’t see her! She never turned up for one birthday or Christmas. Her special events should be celebrated, but not anyone else’s. When she met her grandson at 3 months, only because we visited her, it was her 70th birthday meal. Baby sleeping, so didn’t meet him, we stayed in a hotel, never even saw her the next day, because she wasn’t interested in meeting our first born. That’s toxic and dysfunctional for you. It was only years later when she started being nasty to our daughter I remembered all that, at the time I was a tired new mum. Sad sad attitude.

I agree totally and am lucky that all my family feel the same but, unfortunately, some don't and I'd probably just cut them a lot of slack and get on life without them.

They made a comment the other day that their door is always open…Brilliant! Our house also has one of those doors. But it’s not about the door it’s about the intention and the interest to wake up in the morning and feel like seeing my grandkids and joining in the energy.

I’m not defending them, but maybe what you see as ‘close’ they see as enmeshed / living in each others pockets.

You are quite judgy, and the “I don’t sell my kids so cheaply” comment is actually on the disturbing side of bizarre.

I think you should cut them some slack, stop commenting negatively about them, and meet people where they are. Your children are separate entities from you, and it is OK for them to have a relationship with people whom you personally don’t like that much.

Lovely but they don’t want a relationship with them either. They don’t ever ask to take them out on their own which would be fine. I have cut them slack, none of us now see or hear from them, not much more slack can be given. I don’t think visiting every now and again or calling would be classed as enmeshed.

Last two weeks all 4 of us came down with the flu, little one was really poorly and then developed Hand food and mouth. My parents were taking oldest to school as she recovered then we both came down. Not a single call asking how we are. It’s hard to digest that you mean so little to family. I feel for my other half as surely he feels that.

I always imagined we'd have an open hearted big extended family mash up.
But MIL was always quite frosty under the keeping up appearances. I ignored it, pushed on.
More grandchildren arrive. FIL likes a quiet life, as does DH. MIl turns out likes a needy child. Keep pushing on.
20 years down the line, my DC got the least in time, resources and bonding. I resent the effort I did go to, should have been redirected to those welcoming it rather than on a family tree basis.
The final straw was DS getting an Oxford Uni offer, MIL was all over it, definitely going to visit, lots of fuss.
DS didn't get the grades, MIL has been no where near the Uni despite it being nearer, easier and really interesting.
I thought DH's family had it all in my 20s, turns out they are totally emotionally stunted and I am as much an outsider as 25 years ago. I absolutely wish I hadn't tried so hard.

My ils haven't seen ds since he was born. He is now 10. 10 years old.... Best bit? Not having to waste our precious time.. More to spend with our amazing ds.... Their bloody loss op....
Agree to just not have them mentioned in your home. It just sends up fury ime!!

“I don’t know why one’s parents have to be interested in ones children” - how very sad. As a child I had grandparents who were disinterested and as children it didn’t really register with us because our parents just let them be, and we had all the love we needed. Fortunately for me, my parents couldn’t be more different, they adore their grandkids and can’t do enough for them and I love it. I think it hurt my parents that they were disinterested and they sort of subconsciously vowed to never be that way themselves.

My in-laws used to say something similar - let us know if you need us. All well and good but I think they said it more so they wouldn't look like arses. It would have been nice if they wanted to see their child (DH)/grandchildren.
On many occasions (mainly my sons birthday's as they never came to our house otherwise), they'd pop over to our house and despite offers of taking coats/sit down/cup of tea, they'd stand around with their coats on and then make excuses to leave after 10 mins. One year my mother in law couldnt even be arsed to do that as she was "busy making Sunday lunch" (they're retired and there's just the two of them but I have a feeling on this occasion, as had happened many times before, that the other son and his children were invited for dinner and we weren't)

What I find hard is to ignore the programming. Grandparents are supposed to love their grandchildren. Parents are supposed to love their children. Grandparents are supposed to spend time with their grandchildren. I’ve tried to push this notion and this relationship. Taking the kids to them and taking pictures of them together so that we all look normal. So when they look back one day they will see them together. I didn’t want them to feel like they weren’t important. But the cold hard facts are that they aren’t important. It’s not a nice feeling. We aren’t important enough for them to visit or call. I don’t understand this. These kids are amazing and funny and the best to be around, why wouldn’t grandparents not want to soak that in? I see so many grandparents enjoining time with their grandchildren. Three years old are so funny, the little things they say and he is the son of your son. I don’t get it.

Completely reasonable. Some people just seem to be passive in their lives. Not for you to make it happen for them. You reap what you sow in this life 🤷‍♀️

My in law is the same, I find it very odd but am going with the same approach, he is my husbands obligation and I'll do whatever my husband needs me to, in order to ensure he doesn't feel guilty for abandoning his dad. Other than that, I'm not putting any effort in. So we don't really speak on the phone etc, we send a courtesy card and 25 pound gift at Christmas and birthdays and we meet up maximum once a year - everyone is a million times happier. I also honestly think some older people are tired and introverted and probably wish we'd all bugger off and live our lives, maybe they're hinting that they genuinely aren't interested and want to spend their final years on their own watching the tv etc! My FiL is quite open about this and has basically requested we don't come to his house as he finds it noisy and annoying, so if we do meet then it's a halfway point like a pub or restaurant. Perhaps they're fed up of visitors but don't know how to say?