Stay at home mums, what does your DH provide to you financially?

[noodletimesthree]

Private pensions?
Savings?
Family money?

Long story short I've realised my high earning husband has his life and finances well and truly sorted. Mine, no so much!! We've been together from when we were young. I just didn't make the best or wisest career/ financial decisions in that I focused primarily on my relationship and put myself and my needs aside for so long..

One way to do it is work out essentials (house/bills/food/kids/holidays/ savings/pension/agreed extras), then pay that into a joint account proportionate to income (in this case, you pay 0%, he pays 100%). Then remaining income is split between you as equal "fun money" (gifts, individual hobbies, treats, food/ drink out etc).

As you are married you will (in the event of divorce) have a claim on his pension and savings.

Is your name on the house deeds?
Do you have free and easy access to the bank accounts?

We get the same amount of ‘pocket money’ for personal spending eg coffee out, going out with friends, hair cut, clothes. For anything household, health (prescriptions, exeecise) or child related including coffee at soft play comes out of the joint account. When I return to work most of my earnings will go into my pension pot. I have more personal savings than him as he spends all his pocket money but we have equal joint savings, currently in seperate ISA and a joint savings account but I can see them sll easily.

I haven't worked as much as my DH and my jobs have always been lower paid. He is a high earner with a great pension pot and other investments. Some of these are in my name and the house is in joint names. Everything we have he views as joint. Me being at home a lot has allowed him to pursue his career. I have full access to the bank accounts and credit cards for spending. Big purchases we discuss together but I can buy clothes and get my hair done etc as I please. I'm not a lavish spender by any means. DH retires soon and we have discussed our finances at length so I know exactly what we have and how we plan to use it as we get older.

When I was a SAHM (I'm back at work now), our money was completely shared so I had equal access to family money. Pensions and savings - you will be entitled to half anyway if you get divorced.

Whatevers the split of earnings has been and whether I'm working or not it's always been one pot, family money. We are similar in outlook so small or normal purchases are just done without thinking (clothes, gifts, house stuff, random lunches and expenditure etc). Bigger purchases are discussed first (furniture, cars, holidays etc). Savings are arranged in the most tax efficient way.

It's not 100% perfect as a way of doing things. But it's the most natural way for us and better than any alternatives. Different ways will suit different families. I've never understood how some couples end up with one financially sound high earner spending what he they want, and a lower earning/sahm trying to juggle her small allocation, you are supposed to be a team who love each other!

family money should be split
your DH should be paying into a private pension for you
do you have free access to all monies in current and savings accounts?
How old are your kids? Maybe it’s time to think about returning to employment so you aren’t so financially vulnerable?

I'm the higher earner (more than 10x DH who is mainly a SAHD and has never earned much). It's just all shared, we have a joint credit card and I just pay is it all.off each month. I also put around 2k a month into our joint account which covers all the direct debits. Savings are pretty much split evenly to take advantage of both ISA limits. DH has zero pension though as it's hugely more tax efficient to pay into mine as I'm an additional rate tax payer.

Edited to add - were probably lucky in that neither of us are big spenders so we've never had allocated personal spending or anything.

We have a joint account and I have full access to that, he does have other accounts also. I just have the main joint one.. I have no private pension and no personal investments or savings. Financially I am feeling very vulnerable.. I'll
Have a chat with him.. he always gets a bit funny about money when we talk.. I brought the pension thing to him a couple of years ago and he basically said 'you need to go back to work'

How much should a partner be paying into a private pension for their spouse? Obviously that will be relevant to what they earn..

But he has investments/ savings etc., so he can afford to!!!

Full access to bank accounts (joint account) including shares etc and credit cards. He doesn’t bat an eyelid re any of my spending although I am admittedly not a huge spender apart from hair appointments (!) and the very occasional net a porter haul. Large purchases we discuss together (eg cars and holidays). I wouldn’t have quit my highly paid job to become a stay at home mom if there was any doubt whatsoever about access to funds. I have seen too many friends end up with very little in the divorce because they didn’t ever know about where their other half’s assets were / how much there was.

In general, it’s sensible (albeit a tad morbid) to ensure that your OH keeps a list of all bank accounts / investments / insurance policies in a fire safe just in case anything were to happen to them. My husband did this as he pointed out that the last thing I would need if the worst happened would be to start having to track down where our investments are etc.

I have full access to everything. DH gets his pension through work but we allocated money we would possibly have put into savings, into a pension for me instead.

If you went back to work, as he suggested, then you would be able to afford your own pension.
How old are your DC?

@noodletimesthree his “go back to work” comment would worry me as sounds like he resents you being an SAHM - how old are your kids? I’ve always worked but earn significantly less than my dh but he’s always seen all our money as joint (been together since uni). I think you should look at working personally - too risky not to.

I am indeed ready to go back to work but we will need to share the chores / household stuff 50/50 life has felt convenient for him until this point.. I also need to look for a job with growth and potential not dead end low salary

I actually think you sound entitled and grabby here. If he's working and you're at home it's right that you should access "day to day" money (and it sounds like you do) but why would he invest in a pension for you - that's your job. Look into buying back the years you'll need for your state pension (though sometimes this isn't worth it unless you have 10-20 year gap). Go back to work and put a high proportion of your wages into your company pension. Like 20-50%.

Assuming as a SAHM you are doing the major work in running the home, in which case you are at work, and contributing to the family income because you/he doesn’t need to employ someone to the job you do.

tell him if he isn’t going to support your financial future and share 100% in income / savings /pension then you will indeed return to work and pay an equal % of you salary to support the family. Cost out how much it will be to employ someone to carry out your work from cooking /cleaning /shopping/admin / company pension contributions as well as child care and tell him he either pays you that or a % of covering the cost.

Grabby? She is looking after his children and home. A good full time nanny costs £40k minimum in London. Adding a housekeeper on top of that and you are looking at a huge chunk of cash. OP is being sensible in thinking about her options and I would not be pleased if my husband told me to “get a job then” if I raised the question of pensions etc.

No, it’s not entitled and grabby. She has put her career on hold to bring up THEIR children. He should not benefit financially at her expense. It should all be one big pot of money with all investments and bank accounts in joint names, for the benefit of both of them.

OP, in my house it’s all shared. Certain investments may be in one name or another (if it’s only in one name, it’s usually my name for tax reasons), but at the end of the day it’s for the benefit of us as a family, regardless whose name it’s in. We get the same amount each month for fun money. Big ticket items are joint decisions.

Definitely look into buying back you missing NI years.

If you're properly working as a team/couple there are clear tax benefits both now and down the line, if one is a high earner with excess funds. If his pensions are going to take him into 40% tax bracket, it's better if more pension income came from you (at 0/20% tax). Once he's maxed out ISAs, better to add to an ISA for you than in a taxed bank account. Many more examples, probably. Or is it going to be 'his' money in retirement?
Suggest keeping divorce as an option and if needed, do so while children are still of dependent age.

Are you claiming child benefit?

I was a SAHM temporarily for 18 months. All finances were shared for joint expenses, child expenses and basic household expenses like toiletries, clothes, transport to work etc.

We paid into a private pension for me during that time, the equivalent to what I'd been getting when I was employed. And we had equal amounts of "fun money" which was enough to save some and spend some. From our joint account, we made joint savings each month which I had full access to.

As you are married your finances are considered joint however in the event of a divorce you have to locate the money to split them...that is the issue. If you have no knowledge of ££ then you will be vulnerable.

How old are you?

I would start a conversation with him around finances, perhaps saying you want to review what the situation is for the children. If he isn't open then take that as a further sign you need to be financially independent and need a job asap.

Do you know the mortgage/equity situation? Start your own spreadsheet where you build up your own knowledge and finances.

If he has enough money to put into savings but does not allocate you enough money to put into savings, then that's financial abuse in my opinion.
It's all very well having savings in his name or money he's allocated as savings but if you can't decide how much goes into it, what it's used for etc then that's quite controlling if you can't do the same.
SAHM used to get widows pension I think? But as that was changed a few decades ago, you should be challenging them to pay into your pension.

I think this is not as clear cut as it first seems. If you had a conversation a few years ago where he expressed that you should go back to work ... and you've continued to feel financially vulnerable then what's stopped you?

All money shared. Investments./ Savings in both names. Private pension set up when I stopped work to care for children. Even if not earning, you can add £240 / month to a private pension.

We also have a mix of joint accounts and individual accounts - even if everything goes into the pot on divorce, this is not our main concern. If one of you died, does the other one have sufficient access to funds until paperwork / probate is sorted to pay bills, food etc without the stress adding to an already difficult situation?