Is it mean to not cook for Stepson after Relationship breakdown?

[JennaSays84]

Hi all,

This is my first post here but posting because I’m in a difficult situation and not sure if what I’m planning on doing is mean, but I’ve reached my limits.

I’ve been in my relationship for 6 years now which has been verbally and emotionally abusive from about 2 years in. Some physical in the beginning too. He has tried to change but I’m finding it hard to stay in the relationship because he says sorry but carries on. I get called names, nothing as bad as it used to be but I still get snapped at and punished for pulling him up on it. He likes to bang his fists about a lot and shout and swear too.

Last week for example I told him I really wasn’t happy with the way he’s just spoken to me again, can’t remember exactly what it was but think he called me a retard. He went and slept on the floor in the living room, I tried to speak to him but he told me to shut up and get out. Then text me each day from work saying he loves me and wants things to work etc. I’ve made with clear he only means it if he stops but it happens most days and the way things are I can’t see things getting back to good again. So now this has gone on for a week and a half, him sleeping away from me, I think he’s trying to punish me because he says it’s all my fault things are like this.

Lastnight he shouted at me because he’d had a drink, I picked him up from the pub like he asked and I was sat outside waiting for 10 mins when I told him I needed to back quickly. So he ranted at me, slammed my car door really loud and told me leave his dinner (I’d been hanging on for him to get home so I could finish cooking). He told me to leave his uncooked dinner on the side because he doesn’t want me to do anything for him. I knew he was ‘starving’ because he’d told me, normally I’d still cook for him as I always do, still caring and cooking for him and his son no matter how he speaks to me. But lastnight, I thought why should I. He’d already locked himself away in his man cave ignoring me, so I did mine and the children’s, left his on the side. Petty I know, but I’d reached my limit after he’d spoken to me like dirt in front of his son. Well he’s not spoken a word to me since, not looked at me, nothing.

I’ve started looking for my own place for me and my kids.

I do most things in the house as well as working full time, cooking, cleaning washing. I cook separately for his son as he has hobbies late til gone 7pm. I get up early to make sure he’s ready for school, iron uniform and do his packed lunches. I feel really taken advantage of, even though he says I used him ( he was in a much better paying job than me in the beginning) but isn’t now, he’s using this as the reason I’m leaving, which isn’t true, it’s because I’ve had enough of the emotional abuse.

But I’ve decided I won’t be cooking dinner for us together regardless like I usually do, I’ll make myself a sandwich or something. But he will call me all kinds if I don’t make his sons, but make my own kids dinner. I’d do them all together but my kids eat hours earlier due to him not being home too gone 7. I just feel like why can’t he do it? Is it mean if I stop cooking for his son, stop doing his packed lunch and ironing his uniform til I leave? I’ve no vendetta at all, it’s just I’m exhausted, feel so down and struggling through the sadness I feel and need him to know I will be leaving and it’s something he’s now going to have to take charge of from now on.

It's her partner the boy is 10 he won't notice. You could put shit in front of him as long as it tastes good he won't notice.

I’m sorry, I appreciate your anger and frustration, but I couldn’t stop caring for the child as long as I was there. It’s not his fault, and he obviously has little modelling of what caring behaviour looks like. I’d still keep going with his normal routine until you leave.

Yes. Very mean.

I'm going to phrase it differently. I don't think it's unreasonable for his dad to make his son some food. I think his dad is unreasonable for not doing it. Why would his dad leave his own son without? Presumably he's not incapable of doing this, and if the step son eats later anyway it doesn't make a difference who makes his food if he's not even eating the same thing.

I do think though, from the sounds of it the dad will not change or step up either way and only the child will get hurt, so although in principle you're doing nothing wrong and simply asking his parent to parent, it won't work out like that. So I'd carry on for now - but only make him things that don't create any extra effort for you - such as one meal that's reheated, or ready meals he can warm up himself.

The harm you are doing to these poor children is really bad. No kids should be forced to live in this kind of toxic atmosphere. If he cared about them, he wouldn't do this to you.

You're ending it; what does it matter what he calls you? Take a leaf out of his book with the silent treatment - let him say what he likes, and don't even reply. Not a word.

The poor boy with that father. Why don’t you just plate him a dinner when you make your kids and microwave it when he comes in?

There’s a difference between making food for your children and leaving him out (spiteful towards an innocent child) and parenting him by making packed lunch when you’re not making anyone else a packed lunch.

I would plate up an extra portion if you’re making dinner anyway. I wouldn’t make him something if you aren’t already cooking (if your kids are with their dad for example), as he is ultimately his dad’s responsibility. The same for getting him up, or making his packed lunches. If you’re waking up at X o’clock anyway, then yes I would bang on his door as well as your kids’ doors. If your children need to be up at 7, but his school is further away so he needs to be up at 6:30….again I would be leaving that to his dad. If he’s the only child having a packed lunch, no I wouldn’t be making it. But you need to make this clear to his dad in advance.

I would make enough for an extra plate for DSS when I was cooking the evening meal, but fuck making a special second meal later. Also fuck making packed lunches if you don't even have to do that for your own children. As you said, DSS has TWO parents. Even if you stopped doing everything for him, you wouldn't be neglectful. You would just be leaving him in the capable hands of his two parents. Your DP isn't agonising about what he should or shouldn't be doing for your children.

She's already said this doesn't work but not sure if it's the child refusing to eat it, or the father being awkward

The child is 10 it's the father. The child would probably eat it.

Your DH sounds awful and you need to leave.

However it is also absolutely awful to do that to your DSS. Please don't do that. Put yourself in the child's place. It's just food, such a small thing for you but imagine what the child feels like. Why punish a child because of his DF.

Make extra of what you're feeding your kids and reheat it for stepson. If his dad has a problem with that he can make more food himself. Leftovers is a perfectly normal thing to eat.

You'll be gone soon. Have him come learn to put his lunch together with you. At 10 he can make a sandwich and put a few things in a bag!

Grey rock the abusive bastard. Anything he has a go at you for, say you're sorry he feels that way and he's more than welcome to do it himself the way he likes it and walk away. Move out ASAP. Even if it's to a friend/family member or a short term holiday let.

Drawing a child into adult conflict is harmful. You have willingly taken on a care-giving role for the past 6 years and now because you are in conflict with your partner you want to draw an innocent child into the conflict to teach your partner a lesson. Children should not be collateral damage. You and no one else established a pattern of care-giving behaviour towards this child. To remove that care-giving will be hurtful and damaging.

He isn't there when OP and her children have their dinner. He eats later and OP is expected to make him another dinner from scratch, rather than saving him a portion of their dinner and heating it up. She would fine with that.

What a difficult situation, because you are right he does have two parents so you should not have to be running yourself ragged for your stepson.

But you are in a dangerous relationship with an abusive partner. So I would continue to do the ironing and dinner for your stepson, to keep yourself as safe as possible, but you really must get yourself and your kids out asap.

She’s no better than the man who has physically and mentally abused her for years? Who doesn’t seem to lift a finger for his son while OP runs herself ragged looking after him (and paying for his clothes!). Catch yourself on.

You have allowed self righteous Mumsnet to bully you into doing what THEY supposedly would do. You have allowed your partner to bully you into being his doormat. You have allowed your stepson to bully you into cooking a special meal for him.

Stop that shit.

I disagree, if he is a minor living with an abusive father I would not leave him in that situation. Not saying she should take him with her, just alert SS

It's not the child's fault he's innocent. I m not perfect I haven't got it in me to abuse a child. It doesn't matter whether that child is mine or not I am not that petty. She needs to take her children and leave.

Is he the father to ops children. She says "But he will call me all kinds if I don’t make his sons, but make my own kids dinner" my own kids dinner are they not his children as well?
I think there is more going on it doesn't sound healthy. She needs support.

Nothing wrong with a microwaved meal. I've eaten roast pork, roast potatoes, mashed potatoes, 1 Yorkshire pudding, carrots and peas myself tonight because it was left over from yesterday. I just microwaved then warmed up a cup of gravy in the microwave to pour over it.

I'd be telling him it's reheated or he can ask him dad to make something fresh. Reheated food isn't unreasonable, none at all wouldn't be ok.

Of course it's mean not to give a 10 year old his dinner because his dad's a prick. Why punish him? He's probably already traumatised by witnessing the scenes in your house, over which he has no control.

I have a little kid and a bigger (adult) kid who gets home from work well after we've eaten. It's not hard to cook a single meal for all, some of which can be left for the child who eats later. Though why a 10 year old isn't home from school in time to eat with the rest of you is unclear. You don't have to cook for his father. Whom you should leave.

Thanks for all of the replies. He is home straight from school and could eat before he goes which is what I used to do with my son when he had his swimming, but his dad said he doesn’t want him running on a full stomach. They all used to eat together but his dads signed him up to be out of the house 3x a week which has put the timings out for us all. And so that he can have more control over him, because some of these days were his mums but he’s told her she’s not allowed to take him because she’s ’useless’, she isn’t useless by the way. Hes gone from being with us for 3 nights to 5, which I don’t mind at all but it doesn’t seem right on ss mum. She seemed upset at first but now just gets on with it. He told me his aim is to have him full time. It isn’t right at all.

Just wanted to say, I wasn’t thinking of doing that as punishment or to take it out on my ss as others have said, it’s about what’s right and what’s wrong, my dp should be doing this for him anyway. He’s abusive to me but not his son, he wouldn’t go hungry. Just seems silly that I wait in the kitchen for him to come home to plate his tea up when his dads capable, but I’m that worried about setting him off and being seen as ‘mean’ that I go above and beyond everyday. He knows he’s got me where he wants me. I’m up at 6 each day, getting all the kids ready, drop offs, working an 8 hour day, doing school pick up on my ‘late’ lunch that I use to pick him up from school, home, dinners, homework. I have a daughter with additional needs which takes up a lot of my time and energy.

Im not abusive and not a cruel person at all, just expecting his dad to do something for him to take the load from me. I think I posted because I doubt myself all the time.

Thanks for all of the helpful replies, like I said, I will be leaving as soon as I find somewhere, I’m hoping my viewing goes well later

I hope the viewing goes well today @JennaSays84 and you're out of there soon.

Keep quiet about the move at hope and see if you can contact one of the local DV charities today.

With a bit of luck you and your DC will be out of there safely soon