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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

please give me some advice

37 replies

juliet111 · 06/05/2008 22:21

Hi, I'd really like some advice. I'm a single parent with a 4 year old son and have spent most of the last three years on my own.

About 1 year ago I started going out with someone from work, Phil, he is average looking and 12 years older than me (I'm 38) and separated from his wife who he has three children with about a year ago. Phil had alot of complications in his life such as he has just moved out from his ex wife's house and she is now with a woman. He is very stressed and upset for the kids and they have a very complicated child care arrangement but there was a good connection between us and a strong attraction.

Eventually I started sleeping with Phil which was a big deal for me as I have only slept with one other man in the past three and a half years. However, things weren't good in bed between me and Phil. After being so long without sex I really wanted it to be right, but we slept together quite a few times and every time he came really quickly and didn't try to satisfy me. He was really upset that he came so quickly but didn't seem to realise that he could still have satisfied me. In addition, he snored so badly that each time either he or I ended up moving to my spare room in the night!

The last time we slept together, I'd had a few drinks and I was insensitive to him (I realise that his wife being with another woman must be making him feel terrible) and said that he wasn't trying to satisfy me. This made him feel that it was like history repeating itself as he couldn't satisfy his wife (obviously as she was gay).

I tried to say that it wasn't his performance but that he could have continued to touch me etc. He said that wasn't possible after he'd come. Anyway, he then decided to end it between us.

I wish I'd been more sensitive but really feel that either he was very inexperienced in bed which seems unlikely at his age or just selfish. I don't know which but one way or another I really miss him.

A year has gone past, (after a month or so, I said that I missed him but he said he was so upset by that night that he couldn't see me again) but he looks at me all the time at work and I know there is still an attraction.

Could anybody advise me because I really miss him.

OP posts:

madamez · 06/05/2008 22:25

Well it's a good object lesson in never poking the payroll (whatever happens, when a fling with a workmate finishes, you have to put up with him/her still being *there).
YOu are better off without a man who is not only a crap shag but won't try to improve: someone who basically doesn't give a toss whether or not you are enjoying sex with him is someone who is a Not Nice Person as this sort of lazy selfishness will slowly but surely spread throughout any relationship he has.
If you want a partner, start looking for one (outside work would be best), if you want some uncomplicated sex, start looking for that (carefully, take some good advice first if you are inexperienced) but don't bother with Short Dick Man any more. It's his loss.

themildmanneredjanitor · 06/05/2008 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheWillBeLoved · 06/05/2008 22:28

Explain to him that it was just pure frustration that made you say what you did.

Tell him even if it isn't possible to touch you after he came.. he could have before he came. What was stopping him making sure that you were satisfied before he was, if he knew it would be over so quickly as soon as intercourse started?

I have sympathy for him with regards to his wife, it must have been a huge knock for his confidence. But to be honest, he sounds quite selfish in bed too if all he is worried about is getting his end away and then not being 'able' to touch you afterwards.

scanner · 06/05/2008 22:32

mademez has put it perfectly.

Original poster

juliet111 · 06/05/2008 22:42

I feel like I was cruel and really regret it. I didn't mean to be but he was a very selfish lover.

OP posts:

kittywise · 06/05/2008 22:45

The man has sexual hang ups and I really think that you deserve better than that. He is selfish and I doubt if he would ever change without a lot of therapy.

Original poster

juliet111 · 06/05/2008 22:48

The thing is he wasn't selfish in other ways. He was really easy to talk to and easy going. It seemed really strange.

OP posts:

kittywise · 06/05/2008 22:50

juliet, I have found that sexual hang ups are all pervasive.
I've had the misfortune to have chosen a couple of blokes with hang ups. When I started to 'complain' it turned out that the problems were VERY deep rooted {usually to do with the mothers) and these hang ups really did affect their whol;e personalities.
These men also seemed very caring and easy going at first.

Original poster

juliet111 · 06/05/2008 22:55

thank you, I do appreciate your advice and comments. It seems such a shame though.

OP posts:

harpomarx · 06/05/2008 22:59

juliet111, sounds like you are just craving a relationship and hoping this man 'will do', despite evidence to the contrary.

go out on the pull, get a few good shags (hope this doesn't sound insensitive or irresponsible!), concentrate on yourself and stop thinking about this man. I'm not a great believer in the possibility of improving sex myself, not if it wasn't good in the first place.

littlewoman · 06/05/2008 23:58

I don't understand why you think it is insensitive of you to think that your needs should be met too? Otherwise what part were you playing in bed? You were just a hole to poke at (I'm sorry to put that so crudely, but that is the truth of it. If your satisfaction counted for nothing, you are merely playing the part of a sex doll).

'It just wasn't possible' to keep touching you after his orgasm ... Roflmao. Why? Do his hands pop off when he comes

Well, at least now you know why his wife has a girlfriend. Clearly put her off men for life.

Please don't waste another moment of your one precious life on this man. I swear down, I will give most people the benefit of the doubt, but I see a BIG red flag waving here with this guy.

vInTaGeVioLeT · 07/05/2008 00:11

it sounds like you are just missing having "someone" to share your life with - you don't need this fool of a man - what kind of man doesn't make it his priority to make his lover come? - not one i'd waste my time with. good ridance to bad rubbish!

Alexa808 · 07/05/2008 05:41

J, I think what you're missing is being (physically) close to a man, not this guy in particular.

If he's a bad shag now, what do you think it'll be like in 10 years from now. He doesn't even try to make you comfortable, tease you or be passionate. If you don't have it at the start, you'll never have it.

I don't believe in sex getting better with time, sorry. It can get more natural, less shy, more demanding, might add a few tricks but fundamentally a bad shag stays a bad shag.

Move on, don't dwell over him, you made the right decision, girl. Get yourself a new lover who cares about your wishes and feelings. Don't get together with a guy just because you feel sorry for him...

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/05/2008 07:24

Remember, you didn't make him a selfish lover, and you didn't make him so oversensitive that he can't see you anymore. He's not hurt because his exW is gay, he's hurt because he has major sex issues that he's not prepared to address and you have held a mirror up. If he can't discuss this, there is no future anyway, disregarding the crap sex. Crap sex will eventually make you feel resentful, unsexy and frustrated, which will sour the relationship anyway, believe me, I've been with a guy who had sex issues and it's not fun.

Yeah, you may have been blunt, but it had to be said! His reaction was extreme and odd, and tells me he's not the man for you. xxx

hls · 07/05/2008 08:27

WHY is it that MNs are so quick to give pat answers, such as move-on, leave short Dick or whatever? The OP is asking for help, not Smarty-Pants answers! I find the lack of sensitivity here breath taking at times.

I think you have a couple of options. First, ask him out for ad rink/coffee etc and try to TALK. There is nothing wrong in having another chance at anything, if feeling is there. His age is irrelevant- I'm older than that and can tell you that being 50+ is no guarantee of sexual expertise, as many of my friends tell me about their husbands!

Secondly, if you really like each other, then sexual counselling is something to consider. If you were married with sexual problems, this would be the advice and I can't see why it should be any different with him.

The simple answer is- he is inexperienced. he may not want to admit that- which man would?!!

Maybe he can open up about his sex life with his ex- maybe they never had good sex- maybe he just doesn't know what to do. maybe he has a medical problem, (prem. ejac) which he has never got control of. Maybe he is just very nervous of being in bed with a woman.

The answer is to talk and seek help. The guy must be cringing with embarrassment and feel rotten. That's why he has walked away.

re. the snoring- that's another medical issue- he could be helped,but he'd need to see his GP! On that topic, I know of people whose partners do snore and they agree to sleep in separate rooms- but that doesn't mean they don't have sex!

littlewoman · 07/05/2008 09:00

Or you could just forget it, it depends how much you like him, and only you know that Juliet. It also depends on whether or not he is willing to talk it through and seek help. Despite our best intentions to help people, some people don't want to be helped. They are too entrenched in their beliefs.

I still do not think it unreasonable that he continues to touch you. How is is 'not possible'. I mean, literally, how? Would he stay with you if that was your attitude to sex? Would any man?

hls · 07/05/2008 09:06

littlewoman- I thought that the classic advice was that it is better for the man to satisfy his partner BEFORE he comes, as afterwards all he wants to do is sleep? Is that not reasonable/understandable?

littlewoman · 07/05/2008 09:12

But he didn't did he. Perhaps someone should tell him that.

hls · 07/05/2008 09:22

Yes! I feel sorry for this guy- he belongs to an era when women's satisfaction was not so openly discussed as it is now. I know as I am older than he is- and maybe you are too?!

I had a disasterous relationship with an older man who was totally inexperienced sexually when we met. Age does not equal experience..and although there is plenty anyone can read now, it does take hand-on experience- and this guy hasn't had that.

It all depends on how much the OP is prepared to put into this relationship- if it is basically good, or potentially good, apart from the sex, then then maybe it's worth another shot, if he agrees to be helped.

kittywise · 07/05/2008 09:59

It seems the the problem is that he showed very clearly that he was not interested in changing his behaviour. He ended the relationship.
It is not important WHY he is sexually selfish but more that when confronted he runs off. I think that's a non-starter!

madamez · 07/05/2008 13:23

Well, HLS, a partner who reckons that his selfish behaviour is the woman's problem and won't make any effort to compromise is very, glaringly, visibly NOt Worth It. Because he's a dick who doesn't like women.

littlewoman · 07/05/2008 13:26

For myself, he would be a non-starter. I don't have time or energy for that much effort, especially when I don't believe there is only one man for every woman and vice versa. Personally, I would look elsewhere Juliet.

However, that is not advice for you to act upon, I am merely saying that that is what I would do, because I have done it. Not purely because the sex was selfish (this man was 34) but because all the other signs he was giving me spelled out that he wasn't really that in to me.

It is a very interesting point though - how interested was Phil in your satisfaction BEFORE his orgasm? Is he a team player, or was it all directed at his orgasm rather than your mutual satisfaction? I mean, did you basically do all the work? You don't have to answer this, it's just something to think about really.

Original poster

juliet111 · 07/05/2008 23:22

To be honest, he might have been interested in my satisfaction before his orgasm but things always progressed too fast. If I'd said something about that though, I'm sure it would have made a difference.

But as far as I'm concerned I agree with Littlewoman when she said; 'I still do not think it unreasonable that he continues to touch you. How is is 'not possible'. I mean, literally, how? Would he stay with you if that was your attitude to sex? Would any man?' I can't understand how that can be different for men and women - sure men want to sleep afterwards but both sexes lose interest after orgasm and have to make an effort for their partner.

OP posts:

getmeouttahere · 08/05/2008 07:31

I have the feeling that if he is of the "generation" or the "mindset" who don't see the womans satisfaction to be at least equal to their own, then it is highly unlikely that he will accept "help" in the form of counselling etc.

I feel sorry for him especially if he is a lovely guy in other ways, and I think you were rather insensitive, but he doesn't appear to have made any steps towards either admitting or dealing with his sexual inadequacy (and that is what it is).

I agree with madamez (as usual)

hls · 08/05/2008 07:38

Littlewoman- has it not crossed your mind that he walked away out of embarrassment and not knowing how to find a way out of the problem? Not through lack of caring.

I think there is a general tendency on this thread not to acknowledge how sensitive men are about sexual mis/malfunction- and how men are always VERY afraid to seek help- for anything, let alone an embarrassing sexual issue.

More compassion ladies!

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