please give me some advice

[juliet111]

Hi, I'd really like some advice. I'm a single parent with a 4 year old son and have spent most of the last three years on my own.

About 1 year ago I started going out with someone from work, Phil, he is average looking and 12 years older than me (I'm 38) and separated from his wife who he has three children with about a year ago. Phil had alot of complications in his life such as he has just moved out from his ex wife's house and she is now with a woman. He is very stressed and upset for the kids and they have a very complicated child care arrangement but there was a good connection between us and a strong attraction.

Eventually I started sleeping with Phil which was a big deal for me as I have only slept with one other man in the past three and a half years. However, things weren't good in bed between me and Phil. After being so long without sex I really wanted it to be right, but we slept together quite a few times and every time he came really quickly and didn't try to satisfy me. He was really upset that he came so quickly but didn't seem to realise that he could still have satisfied me. In addition, he snored so badly that each time either he or I ended up moving to my spare room in the night!

The last time we slept together, I'd had a few drinks and I was insensitive to him (I realise that his wife being with another woman must be making him feel terrible) and said that he wasn't trying to satisfy me. This made him feel that it was like history repeating itself as he couldn't satisfy his wife (obviously as she was gay).

I tried to say that it wasn't his performance but that he could have continued to touch me etc. He said that wasn't possible after he'd come. Anyway, he then decided to end it between us.

I wish I'd been more sensitive but really feel that either he was very inexperienced in bed which seems unlikely at his age or just selfish. I don't know which but one way or another I really miss him.

A year has gone past, (after a month or so, I said that I missed him but he said he was so upset by that night that he couldn't see me again) but he looks at me all the time at work and I know there is still an attraction.

Could anybody advise me because I really miss him.

I think men should get overthemselves.

Hi Juliet,
I feel very sad for you AND for your friend. Obviously I don't know him at all, but I wonder whether part of his problem was having a wife who was perhaps never that interested in sex with a man and therefore he had to get it over and done very quickly? A pattern like that would be very hard to break and men in their fifties are notoriously bad at getting medical advice for this sort of thing. I am sure he feels terribly embarrassed about failing to satisfy you and maybe it is this, rather than selfishness, that made him finish the relationship? Maybe he thinks he would never be able to satisfy you and doesn't want to risk a) upsetting you again, b)the embarrassment for him and c)you making any further comments to him. I wonder if you could just invite him for a coffee and talk about it? Could you tell him how sad you are that this has happened and that you would love to give the relationship another chance? It is also possible that he doesn't know how to satisfy a woman ( or believes that to be the case, after all, how bad is it for his self esteem that his wife prefers another woman?) and you will have to teach him how to give you a good time. It sounds to me that he needs lots of help and support to become the lover you want and ultimately only you can decide whether he, the person, is worth it.
Good luck whatever you decide.

I am compassionate, as most people on here know, hls.
It is entirely possible that he walked away through embarrassment, yes. But the 'just not possible' statement puzzles me. What's wrong with saying 'sorry, I was tired'?

I think it would be so easy to condemn someone so easily based on one phrase they had uttered. "Just not possible" ( can't see it in OP posts??) . It's semantics really, as what he might have been saying was "I just don't know HOW to." !!

None of us are perfect at putting our feelings into words, especially men.
I just think it is awful that so many posts here call this guy terrible things, when it is clear he needs help- and in a loving relationship it should be a situation that is tackled together- if the OP feels it is worth her time and energy to have another go.

Sex doesn't always go right at the start, and although some of you choose to walk away quite quickly and move-on, it's not necessarily the only or the right answer- it's just what suited you.

Paragraph 5 in the OP.

Semantics is what I work with every day, that's why I'm making such a big deal of the phrase. It's my job to interrogate meaning within texts. And to me it rang alarm bells.

I agree with littlewoman "just not possible" is a pretty closed door isn't it? It does not hint at compromise or an ability to learn, change, rectify the situation.

LW-"Interrogate meaning within texts"? That's interesting- does that mean you teach English?

Sorry to be picky- but how can anyone "interrogate meaning"? i thought only people could be "interrogated"? lol

Do you mean "analyse"?

I'm an English undergraduate. You are seriously beginning to annoy me, which I presume is your point.

Agree kittywise, it sounds as though he has not taken any responsibility for Juliet's complaint, and without doing so there is no change.

So you ARE analysing texts, lol! Can't help being picky over langauage - it's very work-related for me too.

littlewoman, do you mean 'interpreting texts'?

analysing or interpreting- but never interrogating.