DC saying he is scared of me

[noodletimesthree]

To cut a long story short

Lately, whenever my son stays at my MIL house he comes home saying things like 'you are always cross' and 'I am scared of you'.

When I gently probe or quiz about why he said that he says he 'doesn't know why he has said it' he has also been called me his 'granny' which is what he calls her..

She has never liked me or supported me, in fact I think she wants me out of her son's (my DH) life even though we been married over 10 years.

She recently asked to take my son away on holiday with my husband (said it to him not me) and DH asked me if that was ok, I said 'no he's a bit too young' he is age 6 years.

I've never felt trusting of her.. I can't work out what's going on but something really off about it all.. DH seems quite oblivious saying son just wants attention..

My gut feeling and intuition is saying not to trust this lady..

What can I do.. she's in our lives and sees my son every 2 weeks..

She's also pushing my DH for another grandchild.. ? Probably so she can take away my DS..

Are they UK based/British citizens?

Something is definitely going on there. Can you talk to your son and ask him about what he does at grannys and what they talk about? Perhaps go out for a walk and get him to open up

Obviously we can only go on what you’ve written, but it sounds as if she’s talking bad about you with your son and putting words in his mouth.
is there a reason she gets him unsupervised? And can you stop these visits?

DH needs to start getting behind you on this.

Trust your gut and don't let her invent and own such a dangerous narrative. Keep a written record of absolutely everything. Do not let your DC spend time alone with her, without you (sorry to say it, but your DH clearly can't be trusted to stop this crap). Send a text (so you have it in writing) that you don't appreciate her making up lies about you and manipulating your child into repeating them and it's to stop immediately. Tell your DH you won't put up with it and you expect his support. I really hope you get this sorted, OP.

She is coaching your dc to say those things.

@noodletimesthree why does your child stay at mil's every fortnight?? i would not think that was necessary. just visit instead every fortnight with your husband!

A piece of information for you: when a small child has had something done to them, they can replay it out with a different person.

I think your son should be kept at home for a while.

She's also pushing my DH for another grandchild.. ? Probably so she can take away my DS.. WTF?

Why does he need to stay there every two weeks?

If a relative is too difficult/toxic/batshit for you to deal with its the same deal for your child too. Why is your son there at all?.

Is your DH also afraid of her too, does he can’t get approval even now?

Why is he going to your mother in laws house every two weeks?. Not all relatives are nice and kind and some of them are actively abusive.

Be careful OP. We had this with MIL and SIL who still lives with her. Turns out they had been pressuring DC to say things to try to support DH who was horrible at the time. Maybe address it with the school. Keep a record.

Are you always present at these visits or are they overnights? Every two weeks seems like a lot, IMO, for that age

I think it's time to stop the unsupervised visits.
If you want to avoid a row, find something else to do on those days (swimming club, play dates, beavers, whatever).
If you don't mind being upfront, say he's coming back distressed and you will only take home to visit when you are there.
Do not allow her to take him on holiday without you.

Is she (and your partner) originally from another country?

I would definitely stop the unsupervised visits for sure. She sounds nasty (based on asking her son and grandson to holiday with her, excluding you). Your gut is right, ignore your dh and listen to it.

DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER CHILD UNTIL THIS IS SORTED! This women sounds poisonous to me.

Don't let him stay over there. Is it really necessary for him to go there on his own at all? Sounds like she is trying to make him think a certain way and that is dangerous.

If this was my child and my DH had that attitude to this happening I would stop any unsupervised visits. Wouldn't care what my DH and MIL say/think about that.

What do you do? Simple. Trust your gut and mothers intuition and stop him going over there. Too bad if she is in your lives. She is a negative influence and you need to protect your child.

If she asks why tell her he has come home and said things that are worrying and not okay to you and until it’s sorted out you can’t have him over there. Tell her that your child is your priority and if she can’t speak about you in a respectful and loving way to your child she won’t have any alone time with him again.

And then stick to that.

My DS doesn't stay there every 2 weeks, it's on occasion once each couple months - mostly it's our house she will come and stay at ours every 3 weeks or so.. she IS poisonous and you're absolutely right I should stop these visits or insist I go along too... I've asked my son and have tried to get him to open but he keeps saying "she hasn't said anything" and "I don't know..." he also said he 'wants to keep me safe'..? He said 'it's my job to keep you safe mama' Wtf is going here..?

They are from Eastern Europe originally... not a fan of her or ramming her culture down our throats every time she's here either.. she's very possessive and was a nightmare when son was a baby.. I had to set major boundaries- looks like I'll need to again

Nanny cam?

Great idea! She’d only deny anything you didn’t like even happened but if you have proof it would give you the upper hand and feel confident in your next move. Good luck OP X

I couldn't use a nanny cam when he is at hers...

But I will limit / stop visits - I know this will come between me and DH which is again exactly what she wants... I need to tread carefully and not let her ruin my family!!

She is dark and I am a bit worried about what she says to my DH.. yes DH is afraid of her - he is so up her backside and does as she wants.. he makes more of a fuss of her than me.. it's a weird dynamic for sure I've put up with this shit too long..

He is in a fear, obligation and guilt state re her and she installed those buttons in him. She is a toxic parent and he is far more afraid of supposedly upsetting her because he’s been conditioned to believe the sky will fall in on him. It’s no excuse for his inertia towards her but it’s a reason. She’s emasculated him.
He needs therapy re his mother.

No to your son staying at her house for any length of time. He needs emotionally healthy role models and she does not fit the bill. If you go with him she will emotionally harm your son in front of your very eyes. You all need to stay away from her.

Do read toxic in-laws by Susan Forward.

Where is your father in law; is he still around?.

Father in law passed away from cancer just over 10 years ago

Very sad.. but she has turned into a psycho.. I didn't notice it before that as much but it's become very clear to me..

She's always been a bit odd, she used to buy me sexy underwear to wear for her son..?? What the fuck.. she would give it to her son to give to me - when I realised I called it out and said how weird that was..

Can you elaborate on this?? I've never heard of it

Also when I said she's sees my son every 2 weeks I mean she tries to.. either at our house or hers but I'll often limit and make excuses

She's awful woman and I want her out of our lives... toxic

Oh my goodness OP that is seriously weird.