Advice on how I (pregnant) navigate this woman

[Firestonlee]

Really need some outside perspective and advice. I have a ‘friend’ who I thought we were on good terms but I feel she’s turned on me 🫤
I’ve realised she’s a know it all, over bearing and belittles people. I thought it was just me but speaking to a close friend we both feel the same.
She has been going through IVF and has no kids. Before I got pregnant she would constantly educate me about fertility and what I need to do etc to get pregnant. i never asked or wanted this advice.
i have a medical condition which means I’ve had several miscarriages. It’s a rare disorder but she instantly educated me about it and dismissed me that it was all fine now I found the cause of my miscarriages (even though I’m high risk).
anyway I’m pregnant I didn’t want to tell her but she guilt tripped me and said if I find out you’re pregnant and you haven’t told me I’ll never forgive you. Feeling vulnerable I stupidly told her.
luckily I’ve only had to see her once since then and she was absolutely vile to my face. My other friends witnessed it and were shocked.
We used to text most days and now radio silence (hallelujah) but she’s decided to take a dislike to me because I’m pregnant.
she had previously told a friend she hated her when she was pregnant!
Anyway I’m happy with the lack of communication but I’m having to see her next week because of a mutual friend. It’s already causing me anxiety
Please knock some sense into me and tell me how I navigate the meet up so I show her I’m not going to allow her to be rude to my face.
do I just change the subject if she starts to educate me about my pregnancy? Or if I’ve got the courage tell her to fuck off 😆
we have mutual friends and she’s one of these people who loves a fight. I’m quite passive and non confrontational so the thought of her biting back is causing me stress x

I wouldn’t see her
she sounds insufferable
You’re an adult - tell her you don’t like the way she speaks to you and find her behaviour unavceoatnle
she’ll probably cry and be the victim but she’s really not

Hey omg thank you! You’re right. Sounds obvs I know but why am I putting myself through this. It’s our friends birthday. She already witnessed said woman be horrible to me so maybe I could see my friend beforehand and avoid woman x

I would tell her to fuck off in all honesty. Nobody would be getting away with treating me like shit because I’m pregnant and they aren’t.

Don't go. Especially if your other friend has witnessed this behaviour and continued to invite you both. You don't owe nice friend an event at the expense of your own peace of mind.

Thank you! I thought I’d get bollocked on here for not being more understanding.

im an idiot for feeling guilt tripped into telling her i am pregnant.

the thing is ive been through multiple miscarriages and illnesses so im not lacking in empathy.

my close friend and I realise shes a jealous person. She didn’t even congratulate my friend on her engagement so it helps validate shes a nob.

Yeah I'd do that. Say you're really sorry but you don't feel safe with her

Wow this is so helpful.
ive been feeling so shit about the last couple of weeks.
im high risk pregnancy but im managing with this pretty well. I don’t need her full stop high risk or not.
im shocked at her behaviour

Several miscarriages here too, and 2 high risk pregnancies following diagnosis of underlying condition. I had a friend like this. I don’t talk to her now. Don’t go, you don’t need the stress. If you do go then stay away from her if you can!

if I find out you’re pregnant and you haven’t told me I’ll never forgive you.

If anyone ever spoke to me like that I'd block them and never speak to them again.

Oh I’m really sorry 💓 it’s utterly shit and no one knows what you go through when this happens.
I was shocked she manipulated me into confessing I was pregnant (my fault for folding) but when I saw her she was absolutely horrible and I left that meeting up knowing I no longer wanted her as a friend.
i don’t want her anywhere near my pregnancy and absolutely no where near my baby.

in the past she said all her ivf friends have abandoned her but im now wondering why

Honestly I am so angry with myself I don’t do this. I’m such a door mat 🫤 my friends were like ignore her but I felt like I was lying to her so admitted it to her and I see now it wasn’t because she wanted to celebrate but she wanted to know for her own needs

Don't be angry and you aren't a door mat! It's done now. Best thing to do is "grey rock" her. If you've got shared friends and you have to tolerate her company then just kind of nod and agree to her crap with a "yes dear" vibe and take no notice of her. Don't let her stress you out x

Also, you can have empathy for someone (which you clearly do) from afar, you don't have to endure their poor behaviour just because you understand it. I'm in a very different situation where I can't be anywhere near a relative; I know why she's behaving the way she behaves but that doesn't mean I have to offer myself up to her like some human sacrifice.

Thank you. Yes, grey rock 🪨 is great advice.
we are not besties so it’s not like I want the friendship to be salvaged.
Ive never had much experience with envy in a friendship group. We’re all really nice girls, she’s pretty new to the group and I really enjoyed her company but I suppose there were a few red flags which I thought were a bit odd.
She would roll her eyes at me if she saw a pregnant woman. She took a real dislike to certain people for no reason.
Regardless of that I don’t need a know it all in my life thanks 🤣

Congratulations on your pregnancy @Firestonlee.

I second all the good advice you've received so far. Ignore this woman and enjoy your pregnancy.

I caved with telling her I was pregnant because she said I shouldn’t treated her differently because she has fertility issues. I believed this was the true. So I felt empathy and really wanted her not to feel excluded simply because she was having difficulty ttc
I would feel like a terrible person if I ever excluded anyone because I assumed they’d feel a certain way. I think she thinks I’m a soft touch.

youre right I absolutely am not going to offer myself up to her x

It's always good to know who people really are. And when they show you who they are, believe them.

She's repeatedly shown you and your friend group.

And yet ... she's still included??

This is a bit mystifying; but the fact she bullied you into telling her about your pregnancy suggests she intimidates them, too.

Decide how you're going to play it - and play it like that. Have your replies to her expected and potential comments ready. And use them. Let your friends see you dealing with her.

Despair over not having children is one thing, which can explain shitty behaviour through jealousy and envy, but just being vile to a pregnant (ie vulnerable) woman is inexcusable.

Wow thank you everyone for your support and kind words! I was a little worried about posting this as I didn’t want to seem heartless.

I’m feeling pretty fragile being pregnant with all the hormones and previous miscarriages.

It’s good to hear that I have the right to not involve her and I have every right to never bother with her again

@2JFDIYOLO Thank you. Good idea to have a couple of sentences ready.
ill have to practice them just in case i see her.

if I do have to be in the same room and she mentions anything pregnancy wise i think ill shut it down but saying ‘i want to keep my pregnancy private’
you can’t argue with a pregnant woman can you? (That’ll hopefully shut her up).

im also expecting for purely selfish reasons she will message out the blue if she knows I’ve had a scan.

weirdly I don’t think she likes she’s not an expert on my pregnancy. I’m consultant led with lots of scans 🙏 and weirdly I think she feels hard done by. When I had my investigations done on the nhs she told me she had to spend £££ privately to get the same treatment.

When I've found myself in similar situations, I have the same strategy every time. Go. Kill them with kindness. Ask if they're okay.

Do a pitying look, pat them on the arm.

Turn away and talk to someone else.

Works a treat!

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Don’t go. Stay away from her because honestly, she’s dangerous. Protect yourself and your pregnancy and your emotional and mental well-being. Seriously, make your excuses and do not go. And congratulations! X

Firstly, congrats on your pregnancy! Enjoy every moment of it 🤰🏻

Personally i wouldnt go. Don’t put yourself in this situation. From this moment, the friendship is over. You are free and no longer have to see this person again.

secondly, my two bffs both had issues with fertility and conceiving which meant when i became pregnant (at the height of their trying) it was very very awkward. Everyone was mindful of the sad but happy situation going on. I think the way your friend behaved was downright appalling but you have to remember, it says more about her than you. IVF takes its toll on people.

I totally agree with you. As and older and (occasionally) wiser woman now who has unfortunately been a magnet to this type over the years… so would I. Block. Never speak to again. They are genuinely dangerous to your mental health.

Deflect and distract.

Send this:

Dear birthday friend, sorry but I’m not going to make it to your birthday do next week, I know you’ve invited Jane and frankly she is being a cunt to me. I know she’s in a dark place and I don’t want to make a scene with her but I also don’t want to be her punchbag. I need to look after myself. I would love to see you for brunch/lunch another time x

I allow you to change the odd word out if you need to.