I really need your advice about ending a friendship with a female friend who has just told me she is..

[noonar]

...pregnant.

We have been friends since childhood, but there is a lot of 'bad history' in the friendship, iykwim. she is a v controlling and domineering person. i have decided after months of agonising that i need to confront my feelings about her, be honest, and end a very damaged friendship.

we dont see each other often, so i have had a couple of months to mull over my feelings.

i have been plucking up the courage to tell her how i feel, but recently heard that she is pregnant.

i just dont know what to do. how can i ring her up and congratualate her as if nothing has changed? but equally, how can i be really honest without causing her stress during her pregnancy?

how can i be fair to her and true to myself at the same time? i care about my friend and dont want to upset her, but staying friends has cause me a lot of heart ache over the years.

urgent advice needed, as she'll be expecting me to get in touch, now that she's broken her news.

tia

Say you're pleased to hear about the pregnancy, or send a 'congrats' card, then don't contact her again. The only way is to put some distance between the two of you. If she brings you down then cut her out of your life, like pruning a healthy plant of the bad bits. Good luck.

If you let her do all the running, then eventually she will get the message. you don't have to be horrible to her.

If she hasn't told you herself and you don't want to keep in touch, I wouldn't bother congratulating her unless she tells you herself - otherwise you're perpetuating it.

well, you can't have it both ways. if you phone her and say 'i don't want to be in touch with you any more' she is probably going to be upset, and that's the price you pay for freedom.

could you just not phone at all?

just send her a card

put something bland in it

Wish her well on her good news, but I would begin to distance yourself from her - make yourself unavailable and cool the relationship...

tearing, i liked your gardening analogy

she has left me a message saying she'd like to meet up, asking when i'm free. do i send the card and just not refer to meeting up?

i'm going to seem like a prize b*tch, shunning her when she's just told her news.

Didn't want you to go unanswered but I don't really have any advice. I would be far too much of a coward to say anything and would just let it fizzle out.

sorry, cross posts. slow typer.

i wasnt going to vile, or launch into a personality assassination! (sp) but i thought after a 30 year friendship i owed her a bit of honesty.

she told me herself. by text.

Wish her well and don't mention or make plans to meet up...

If she phones again to meet up, be non commital ...

You are not a b*tch - you are just pruning your friendship for your own sanity!!

thanks, nagapie.

trouble is, i happen to know she has alienated a few other people as a result of her domineering nature, and i feel that she deserves an honest explanation. i kind of think she needs to hear why. now is clearly not the time, though...

so is that a big 'no' to telling home truths??

i will pop back to this thread tomorrow and try to follow the advice about just sending a card.

i need to do something soon as i lost sleep last night worrying about how to deal with this.

No, you don't think she 'deserves an honest explanation' you want to be told it's OK to tell her what a bitch she is. Well, it isn't. It's unecessary and entirely inadvisable. Do you really think that someone you describe as domineering is going to sit there and let you tell her what an awful person she is without giving you a few choice comments on your own faults?
Prune the friendship by all means, but retain the moral high ground by doing so politely and kindly ie send her a congratulations card but remain too busy to meet up and don't return calls.

Very well put, Madamez.
I agree. Obviously.

Be the bigger person, noonar. As madamez says, any criticism, well-meaning and truthful or otherwise, will not be well received. It will just give her a reason to paint you as the "bad person". If you have had so many problems with her over the years, then she is not going to change her behaviour because of one conversation with you. Sorry.

I would send a card, poss even with a vague "we'll meet up sometime", then just be unavailable. Yes she will be hurt, but she will be hurt whatever you do. She won't see it as her fault however you handle it, so do it in a way that's best for you. Situations like this there are no "winners", unfortunately

ouch madamez. that was brutally honest. i really, really dont want to be bitchy, but can see i'm not going to convince you of that

she bullied me as a child - she was v controlling and slowly eroded my self esteem- and suppose i feel that it would be cathartic (is that the right word??) to tell her the truth. also, i genuinely do want to make her stop and think- so that she make not make the same mistakes in future friendships. you dont have to believe me!

we have had the whole childhood bullying thing out in the open (years ago)and she has expressed remorse, but i guess she just cant stop being controlling. more fool me for putting up with it.

The thing is, noonar (and this is not specifically aimed at you) people who say that someone else 'deserves honesty' always mean 'I want to say something unpleasant to this person and feel self-righteous about it.' No one ever justifes saying nice things by insisting that they are being honest.

I agree with madamez.

I'm a little puzzled about the whole contacting her in the first place because you say you've had a few months to mull over things.

That in itself tells me that you arent that good friends - if you dont contact each other from one month to the next. Yet you've been spending quite some energy on thinking it over. A good friend of mine would have had a phone call or message pretty quickly and I rarely go a few days without contact. This isnt one of those friendships by the sounds of it.

I'd just send her a congratulatory reply to her text, with an "I hope it all goes well for you" type message, without committing to meeting up or future contact.

You seem to have some issues with what has happened in the past, and, whilst I understand you wanting to get things off your chest, I dont think that a) now is the time, b) that it will make either of you feel anything but miserable and upset, and c) it will solve anything.

So effectively, you are asking for an excuse to give someone some home truths or justifying being bitchy. It could almost be perceived as you wanting to "piss on her parade" to show her 'how it feels'. Almost. But, you know how that feels, so you wont. I think.

Don't feel you're being a coward or copping out by letting it go.

Your chances of getting her to stop and think about herself and her behaviour must be vanishingly low.

Getting out gracefully with no visible scratch marks or black eyes would be a good result here, agreed?

Excellent advice above. Respond to her news with congrats/good wishes. Be too busy to meet ad infinitum. No more than mildly apologetic.

You'll find (I predict) that she won't press you. IME these people are a lot more self-absorbed than we give them credit for. They allow themselves to be dropped without much protest (because someone more interesting is already on their radar). The guilt we feel is mostly wasted.

HTH

it seems you feel like you need to be honest with her, because it benefits you to do so. I've had to cut friends out of my life, and felt an overwhelming urge to justify why i didn't want them around anymore, but all that does is perpetuate and feed a situation that will be far more damaging to you emotionally.

In hindsight just withdrawing contact by not making the effort myself was really the best way to deal with it, and in myself i feel much better that i didn't try to explain why i was cutting them off.

If she is domineering, then she will turn around everything you say to make you look bad/heartless and this will make you feel sad and maybe even helpless, especially if people choose to believe her side of things rather than yours.

Dignified silence is definitely the way to deal with this.

send a polite but bland card and just distance yourself. Once she's had the baby she might be too busy to contact you anyway

I've been in your shoes noonar. I had virtually the same experience with a friend. And I kind of agree with what madamez says too.

Don't tell her what you think of her and why you're ending the friendship - she's an old mate, not a boyfriend. You won't get whatever it is you're looking for in telling her, and will only feel shit afterwards. I just backed slowly away from my ex-friend - and she became an ex-friend for very similar reasons as yours btw. If she asks why you're not in touch much, say you're very busy these days but you hope she's enjoying parenthood (and face it, she's not going to be ringing for a casual chat when she has a newborn, is she?)

If she asks outright if she's upset you, then only you can judge if it's right to tell her. If you do tell her, yes you owe her honesty but you also owe it to both of you to be kind about it.

Good luck.

Oh, and I wouldn't send a card, personally.

She sends a text - not even a phone call - and you send a card? That's a bit uneven and I'm sorry to say it sounds a tad needy. Can't think of a less harsh way to put that one, sorry. It also sends the wrong message - it's like you're encouraging the friendship. Just text 'Congrats on your pregnancy' and leave it at that.

One more word - motherhood changes people. She may lose the domineering side of her once the baby arrives. Back off for now, but re-evaluate later. Don't burn bridges, even with bitches.

Ooh! my last sentence sounds like a Hallmark greeting. [utter twat]

I wouldnt send a card TBH
If I didnt see her often I would send one when the baby was born just text back congratulations and leave it at that,if its her first child she might seek you out for advice or she might get so caught up in the pregnancy thing that she doesnt I would cross that bridge then

friendships change over time its best to let it go than to have a confrontation