AITA for feeling resentful?

[RealLilacDreamer]

Me and my partner are in an LDR and I'm 7 over months pregnant with our DS (his first, my 3rd, the other 2 are 10 and 12 and I was a single parent, basically starting over with a newborn right now).
When we were talking about getting pregnant before I was under the understanding that he'd be there for us as that's what he said too. Imagine my surprise when the test came back positive and he still went back to Canada instead of joining us. When we talked about it before I made it very clear how important it was that I wanted my partner, him specifically, to be there during the pregnancy, so it was no secret anyway.

After a hard week discussing it, we agreed he'd come back in February (when I'm 32 weeks or so and stay for 6 months, we'd move to Thailand together (where I used to live and where we met too) in August.

Since then he has had financial difficulties (aka. a family member got sick and he gave away all his savings) and now is saying he can't come until April for the birth (I'm due the 11th of April) and can only stay a month or two so he can go back to Canada until he recovers financially.

This is really tearing me apart, I feel betrayed and alone, and honestly I've lost my trust in him and am thinking about breaking up. LDRs are hard, newborns are hard, I'd rather just do one at a time and him leaving me so soon after postpartum and coming just at the last week pretty much makes me feel like a surrogate.

I feel guilty that I'm not more patient with him and then recently I've been feeling a bit jealous of how much time he's spending with one of his female clients (he's a personal trainer) even though I'm usually never a jealous person really, I'm blaming it on the hormones.

I've talked to him about how the timetable makes me feel and he says he feels upset and like a failure, there's nothing he can do about it and he can't work in the UK as a canadian citizen, but I feel like he has basically made me a single mum to 3 with the label of a relationship while he gets to live his life and am starting to feel resentful...

Confused about where to go from here and really need to vent..

Any advice guys? 😅

AITA for feeling this way

I have no idea what you're doing.

He couldn't be clearer that he's not interested. He has no intention of being with you; his family member didn't get sick and Canada has a national health service.

Sadly that doesn't sound very promising. I'd prepare for the worst and start preparing to go into this alone. He gave you false promises at a time when you need him the most. If that doesn't show his true colours and feelings for you then I don't know what does. Must be really tough for you, have you got other support around you? X

Is the family member his wife?

Ah I know about the healthcare thing, he's Filipino Canadian *only just got the citizenship.
Most of his family are in Ph except for his mum

But I agree that it looks very clear to me that he's not stepping up to the mark in any way...

So you are going to uproot your 10 & 12 yo life based on your relationship with this man that sounds like an utter shambles!

Being a PT is hardly going to make him rich

He is fooling you, and I feel utterly sorry for your kids

open your eyes

Erm, OP are you sure he doesn’t have another family in Canada?
I can’t imagine what would keep a man away from his first child, other than his other children.
I think you might need to go into this in the mindset of a single parent and focus on you and your three children and leave him in Canada.
Please don’t relocate your children on the basis of this fickle man.

I have been preparing to go it alone to be fair, and I know I can since I've done it before, not easier but at least I have the experience and confidence it'll all be fine regardless at the end of the day ✨️

Honestly I've not got much support here, I just moved back to my mums from abroad and though I love her so much, I don't want to give her fuel for the fire...
Probably because I know the situation is really bad.
My friend that I would talk to about this stuff is in the Philippines and going through a lot right now with DV so I don't want to put any more on her mental load and am trying to support her (when she replies at the moment which isn't so often).

I talk to my sister about it and she's great but she's in China at the moment and the time difference also makes it hard...

I work, it's a commute away which is fine but I haven't really bonded with my 2 colleagues a huge amount anyway since the job we do (EYFS) requires us to stay PG and we don't talk outside of work really.
Should probably make some friends around here, once I start antenatals I'm hoping it'll get better in that department, I'm really sociable usually anyway..

Don't want to complain to people I don't know though so am waiting for that bond 😕

Sometimes I think because my relationship before with my kids dad was so terrible (DV and other stuff) my perspective can be a bit skewed too because my new partner hasn't done anything too bad except basically abandon me 🤣

Don't worry, no way I'm relocating to Canada its freezzinggg 😅
And I like to be self-reliant anyway

If real (its so ludicrous i hope its not)

Yes you are "an arsehole" for:

• Wasting energy feeling resentful
• Being so naive and acting so foolishly
• inflicting this on your existing children
• Bringing a baby into this mess of a relationship
• continuing to hope for improvement. Accept you are on your own and make plans in line with that.

But you are not an arsehole in so far as he is the one behaving terribly.

A Filipino personal trainer who "had" to go to canada for work 🥴

The best thing you can do is accept you are on your on your own and the tax payer will be subsidising your poor life choices. You have to just make the best of it from here as the baby is coming now.

If you are independently wealthy then i suggest you hire a night nanny 3 or 4 nights pw (its about £200-300 per night) I did this with my second and it made things much easier first for 3 months.

My kids will always come first 💖

I'm not moving or changing their lives on this guys behalf...

Everything was really good until I got pregnant then he did a 360, I'm just trying to minimise the damage to us really and I'm so glad it's not all in my head too, he is being really unfair.

Already setting up the mindset...
Just sucks that I have to do it, the boys will always be my priority though and its better to break up sooner than later...

Never been one of those believers of just stay together for the kids, they're happier if you're happy and strong and I can support us independently alone anyway

Honestly this was a bit rude 🤣

You assume I can't afford to look after myself and kids already (which I do and pay taxes), and assume the relationship was a mess beforehand, which it wasn't actually...
It sucks that there was a quick turnaround in his attitude but that's part of life and something I'll need to deal with now. Of course it's not ideal with my boys now but I'm glad that we didn't move in together outside of Thailand yet too so the impact won't be as big as it could be otherwise and as a mother I'll support them as best I can with whatever they feel and need.

He lives in Canada and has since we met in Thailand a few years ago, he just got naturalised recently and he moved there to support his grieving mum in 2018 which is nice of him, I have talked to her and met his family in Ph too, obviously he has better prospects tin Canada as a fighter/trainer as the salary in Ph is not as good.

The bit about me hoping for improvement and wasting energy on feeling emotions is pretty fair, but I'm not a robot and it's only natural to look for a way forwards before giving up. Although I'm obviously on the verge of it and preparing for it now otherwise I wouldn't be asking for outside opinions and advice.

I don't have enough to shell out 600 pounds a week on overnight care, that's a pretty crazy amount but I do have enough to get us through the mat leave and everything else and know I can deal with a newborn on my own.

If I were in a worse situation emotionally, physically and financially, I'm sure your post would do no help for a woman who's going through stuff emotionally while very pregnant.

OP I'm sorry but this person doesn't sound like a partner. From what you have said I would plan life as a single mother and in the future prioritise my children and make much better decisions. I hope things work out well for you and that he proves me wrong and becomes a good partner and father.

You are seriously thinking of moving country to be with a man who has run away from you? Are you insane? It would be bad enough if there were no children involved but your children deserve far better treatment than this.

This man is a completely lost cause. He doesn't have your back. He's not going to live with you or be any kind of partner to you. Why would you think he would be a better partner in Thailand than he is now?

Thailand is for me and my boys, we lived there before and they love it there/can't wait to go back, only came back to be with family while pregnant and giving birth as I got fired for being pregnant basically but am working here in the UK for now to get us through maternity leave...
That's nothing to do with him really, I work internationally so won't be moving for him, he's in Canada anyway.

True...
I'm not waiting on him becoming a good partner though, just preparing to be alone now,

Think I need to get my head out of the sand a bit and ignore the fact I love him/just move on from the whole ordeal.

There's free healtchare in Canada, but you never know it was a lot of money to send if it wasn't...
And with so much at stake too it was an idiotic thing to do (if its actually true and he doesn't just want to not stay long)

He’s not your partner
you’re not in a ldr
you’ve been extemely naive and bade terrible decision to have a baby with this man

so now you need to accept you’re alone and put your children first and make choices that put their best interests and stability first

tell this man he’s got a choice. He either comes and lives with you now and be a family or don’t come at all as whatever you had is over. Then stick to it

This was a very impractical plan from the start.

How were you expecting him to support himself if he was in the UK with you? I don't see any mention of working visas, and as you're not married and haven't cohabited you wouldn't be sponsoring him as a partner.

OP, I don't want to kick you when you're down, but I also think some tough love now can often save us from creating future problems for ourselves.

You are putting all the blame on him (and, yes, I agree, he's clearly a waste of space for not supporting either you or his child), but something clearly went wrong when you were vetting/evaluating him while dating. Is this man kind? Does he prioritise me? Is he generous? Etc

There must have been red flags and warning signs. Not moving to be with you way earlier is a big one. A PT can work anywhere, surely, and since you're the one with an already established family then he should have been the one to move.

What led to you purposefully becoming pregnant by a man who lives on another continent? Is that a smart choice? Does it show strong boundaries and sensible priorities? Obviously what's done is done, but if we recognise the mistakes we've made (privately, in our head, without berating ourselves for them) then we can avoid repeating them again in the future.

He was supposed to stay 6 months in the UK on a tourist visa with his savings, then we'd move to Thailand again but this time together (as I said in other posts it was the boys and I's home base) and start off as a family in earnest, getting a family friend who I worked with before (as a teacher, obviously a vetted person and friend) to watch baby when we both go back to work..
Obviously I don't think that's happening anymore and his behaviour has proved that he's unreliable...

And I decided I'm not being unreasonable for being resentful at the whole situation...
But I am wasting energy caring about it too and need to start putting in an action plan that is good for me and the kids and doesn't involve him anymore too.

Basically something similar but without his input.

Canada?! The won’t let op in based on what she has said!

Zero chance

Not sure how you can earn decent money in Thailand either!