AITA for feeling resentful?

[RealLilacDreamer]

Me and my partner are in an LDR and I'm 7 over months pregnant with our DS (his first, my 3rd, the other 2 are 10 and 12 and I was a single parent, basically starting over with a newborn right now).
When we were talking about getting pregnant before I was under the understanding that he'd be there for us as that's what he said too. Imagine my surprise when the test came back positive and he still went back to Canada instead of joining us. When we talked about it before I made it very clear how important it was that I wanted my partner, him specifically, to be there during the pregnancy, so it was no secret anyway.

After a hard week discussing it, we agreed he'd come back in February (when I'm 32 weeks or so and stay for 6 months, we'd move to Thailand together (where I used to live and where we met too) in August.

Since then he has had financial difficulties (aka. a family member got sick and he gave away all his savings) and now is saying he can't come until April for the birth (I'm due the 11th of April) and can only stay a month or two so he can go back to Canada until he recovers financially.

This is really tearing me apart, I feel betrayed and alone, and honestly I've lost my trust in him and am thinking about breaking up. LDRs are hard, newborns are hard, I'd rather just do one at a time and him leaving me so soon after postpartum and coming just at the last week pretty much makes me feel like a surrogate.

I feel guilty that I'm not more patient with him and then recently I've been feeling a bit jealous of how much time he's spending with one of his female clients (he's a personal trainer) even though I'm usually never a jealous person really, I'm blaming it on the hormones.

I've talked to him about how the timetable makes me feel and he says he feels upset and like a failure, there's nothing he can do about it and he can't work in the UK as a canadian citizen, but I feel like he has basically made me a single mum to 3 with the label of a relationship while he gets to live his life and am starting to feel resentful...

Confused about where to go from here and really need to vent..

Any advice guys? 😅

AITA for feeling this way

You are where you are, it's a pointless waste of energy being resentful.

you have a child on the way in 2.5 months, that's the only thing you should be expending energy on, not this bloke's bullshit about what he says he will do. He can say whatever he wants, it doesn't make it true.

he's already set things up that he doesn't have any money to give you towards his child, because he's given it all away to his non-existent sick relative. That's him telling you who he is.

why have this liar in your life, he will be a deadweight holding you back.

ETA But I am wasting energy caring about it too and need to start putting in an action plan that is good for me and the kids and doesn't involve him anymore too.
Basically something similar but without his input.

yup, that's the way forward, and don't let him try to convince you otherwise, it will all just be more lies and broken promises.

I don't know about arsehole, but you've been an utter fool. And it'll be the kids that pay the biggest price for that.

I think you're right to be honest...

There weren't any major red flags, he came to the UK to see me and meet my family in the summer (when I got pregnant), I've been to see his family in the Philippines, and all the time we were in Thailand together everything was pretty good (albeit it could've been longer before we talked about moving together but we did have a plan and I trusted he was who he'd showed me).

He was always kind and sweet before, saying nice things, interacting with people nicely etc. And we'd go on trips, he'd play us the guitar, we'd planned for the future together, we would go camping togwther, and everything was really nice, he never lost his temper with me and we acted like grown adults together. I knew he was in Canada and I wasn't but it was always a temporary thing, Thailand is good for him on a personal level and it was my home anyway, so it was logical we'd be there together when we were ready which was supposed to be this year...

I was definitely a bit naive but I wanted a baby anyway, I can support him on my own (or I wouldn't have even thought about it, for me personally its important to know I can do it on my own even if I plan not to) but was really excited to do it with this guy who I was really in love with to be honest.

As soon as I got pregnant though all the promises and things we'd built just seemed to not exist anymore and it felt like a rug being pulled from under me as he kept extending the deadline to be with us and then conveniently lost all his money...

I was a bit naive but he never showed me he was unreliable before, he was always where he needed to be on time and we would see eachother around the world whenever we could too.

Sorry you’re in this situation OP. You might not be thinking this far ahead, but Canada is on the list of REMO countries if you want to attempt a child maintenance claim from the UK.

I know for a fact he's in Canada, that's not the issue...
The issue is that he IS in Canada and not here 🤣🤣

As for money in Thailand, it can be very good if you have the right job? I earned more there than I do here and could save (which I can't save so much here) doing a similar job and the living costs are pretty much half so...

Not a bad place to be for some people. ❤️

That's actually really useful information 🩵
Thank you x

Who wanted the baby, him or you? How do your 10 and 12 year olds feel about it? Seems barn door obvious your were always going to single parent this kid, who will take your time away from your older ones.Make sure he isn't on the birth certificate.

My kids are really excited to have a baby brother and are amazing 🥰
The oldest one even spent his time in DT building him a colour blocks Tower out of wood and was so happy when it was ready, no problems there, they're great kids and I'm so happy with them.They've experienced many cultures and seen a lot, played football around the world, been hiking, seen many museums and trails and been able to go to any clubs they want/follow their passions whenever they find one, get a private school English speaking education when we're abroad, even now they both are at clubs 3 days a week (by choice) and are very close siblings, the only thing I worry about with them is that we move around more than other families so I want us to settle when we move to Th next.
When I had them at 15 and 17 I was in a worse position than I am now, but still went on to get an education, do postgraduate studies and secure a good financial position/future for them on my own.

In regards to my new partner, we both wanted a baby, and we planned it to work and were very methalodical about it, maybe I was a bit naive but either way I'm prepared to be a single parent that's not the issue really for me personally, the baby will be loved and well cared for regardless of him, it just hasn't worked out according to plan. The ideal thing is to have a 2 parent household but I'm not relocating or pushing things on his behalf, after all I'mn not the one who broke the plan. Plus I'm self-sufficient, fit, healthy and I try my hardest to be a great mum to my 2 boys that are here already so have no doubt the baby will be fine regardless of his presence, it just isn't nice that it'll probably have to be that way that's all.

The issue is you are not a partnership. He's calling the shots and expecting you to fall in line. I think you need to rule him out the equation and do what's best for you and your boys.

You sound vary naive OP.

Your older children are at an age when they need stability. Are you moving back to their old friendship groups in Thailand?

I think so too

I can't even pretend to understand what is going on with your boys education...

So they just moving back and forth between different countries education systems?

And despite having then at 15 and 17 she's wealthy enough to have them educated privately in amongst all this travel

Always in a British curriculum school, at the right level (and doing well educationally really, the biggest change was coming back to the UK and being in Welsh Medium again but I put them in English Stream for the core subjects).

I get to educate them privately as my employer covers their education fees as I work for them too...

Usually as an International school teacher you get 2 kids free tuition, healthy insurance, flight allowance and sometimes a housing allowance too,
It's a good deal and the kids have really enjoyed it, obviously I listen to their wants and needs to and we go where they like

I agree, it's not on..

I so agree though ❤️

Thank you for the hard love everyone I think I needed it really x

Why do you still have plans to move to Thailand? When you were there, what kind of work were you doing?
At 27, why don't you stay in the UK and build a firm base for your children?

That's the plan now, same town, different school (as the old one only goes up to year 8 and don't want to start my eldest again kmly to go for a year and then switch (plus practically that won't be fun for them), we'll just start in the other school and most of their friends from their old school will be moving to the other one in Year 9 anyway.

I am sorry, but you were beyond unwise to plan a pregnancy with someone not even in this country and unrealistic to think that this would work out. I would go so far as to say this was irresponsible.

I do not wish to be judgemental, but you are bringing a new human being into this unsatisfactory situation for reasons that totally escape me.

Your priority now is your children - every decision you make now must be about them and no-one else.

It sounds as though you should stay put here and give your children some continuity in their education and some stability.

Please stop fitting around - these children did not ask to be born and deserve better.

I am sorry to be blunt.

Thailand is our home base, my mum lives here in Wales but otherwise my family is pretty international so not many roots.

Working as a teacher abroad, and that's where we'll continue with our base...
Being in the UK right now is just a temporary situation.

That sounds sensible. It would be best for the older two kids if you now stay there until they are on their way into adulthood. I don’t want to sound patronising but most kids really need that stability of friendship groups while growing up.

Hope the birth & move back goes well.

Op I’m not being rude but this is the most ridiculous situation.

This whole thing sounds like a pipe dream. Why would you have a baby for someone who live on a different continent from you.

this man isn’t moving anywhere to be with your here or Thailand. He is future faking. Sorry OP

It is a ridiculous situation now, but if it worked out it wouldn't have been...
I've seen a few friends do similar things while working abroad, even my own parents had a similar situation for a while with one on one continent and one on another, joining after a bit of time, it happens and maybe it doesn't always work but it was worth a try,

Will just get back on track now x

thailand is a lovely place to live and grow up, so if you have a support system OP that’s great. Just don’t hope on him turning up as he seems like a liar.

In what world did you think it was a good idea to get pregnant by a man you’re in a long distance relationship with, had never lived with or had around your children in a normal day to day life.

You’ve been foolish.