Advice on how to actually leave my marriage

[LiftTheSky]

I'm 54 and have been married 25 years and if I live to being 79 I can't face another 25 years. I can't say it's been 25 happy years. He's very stubborn and has moods and my mental health can't accommodate this. I think it would be classed as emotionally abusive but I don't know really... He's fine as long as he is doing what he wants and nobody gets on his nerves or asks 'grown up' things of him. The only way to move on from the stubbornness and moods is for me to fawn and try to make things better. There's no 'making up' we just move on... Other people experience the same behaviour from him, they either give in (which is what I do) or give up and lose contact/interest.
We have slept in separate bedrooms for about 5 years with a physical relationship about once every 3 or 4 months.
I would like to be a unit of one - just me. I want to look after myself from now on and never be beholden to anyone ever again. But I don't know how to leave.
Our house has no mortgage and we have about the same money in the bank as the house is worth. He has just retired (age 62) and the pension is enough to keep one person but not 2 of us if split in half. In my head he would keep all the cash and the pension and I'd keep the house and get a job to pay my way. But that would mean making him leave - and I can't see him doing that.
I could rent a house as a temporary arrangement but that seems like a waste of the money available. I also have some livestock which would be tricky to take to a rented property.
My other option is a person I know from a mutual hobby would give anything to take me in and would treat me like a princess but I don't really want that. I don't know him other than passing conversation, and he's miles away and my home and friends is here. I don't have family anywhere near me and although friends would give me a roof over my head for a few days I wouldn't impose on them for any period of time. I don't know if I am brave/tough enough to stay in the same house until the details are sorted as I know he would be horrible to me.
I have this stupid dream of just running away....and keeping running. I also have a terribly sad wish to get an illness and die as a way out of this. I have felt like this for a very long time.
Could you help with some advice and suggestions please.

Be brave here and do not be afraid to take responsibility for your happiness and move on with your own life.

Seek legal advice from one or two local firms of solicitors re all aspects of separating and divorce before deciding anything in your head re pensions etc. You deserve a fair financial settlement and that may well include half his pension too.

The other man here is a red herring apart from the fact you hardly know each other so it's somewhat presumptuous to think he would take you in. You need to be on your own without either of these men in your day to day life and discover who you really are.

First things first, speak to a lawyer. See what you’re legally entitled to and how to go about splitting the marital assets.

Next, since you’ll prob have to move to another property while the divorce goes through, start selling off your stuff that you won’t be taking with you. You’ll be downsizing remember, so get rid of everything that you won’t be needing. Keep the money from the sale in cash hidden away somewhere. This way, he can’t touch it and it’s a little nest egg that no-one knows about. Use it for a deposit for your new place. Rent a flat. All you need is a 1 bed or even a studio if you’d be happy with that. Move as soon as you can and press on with the divorce.

Have a look for work you can do from home. This way when you move you can get your Internet set up, work from home and unpack and settle in around that. It will also show any landlords that you are in full time employment and can afford the property. Alternatively, get a job working with others so you can build up your social network as well as have a steady income. It’s depends on what you want to do.

Speak to women’s aid for support because you have been living with emotional abuse for a long time and they can help you with that. You might also want to read this book.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

I wouldn’t tell him anything you’re planning. Just go about your business getting your ducks in a row and building up some savings in order to leave. If he asks why you’re selling things just say you’re giving it away because you’re having a clear out. Don’t t tell him you’re selling it so he can’t ask for the money or take it from you.

If you don’t have your own bank account, open one.

Once your divorce is settled and you get your half of the marital assets, buy yourself a campervan and run away wherever the desire takes you. Work while you travel by being online. It’s a big world out there and you’re still young enough to go see it.

And as pp said, don’t get involved with another man. Be single. Enjoy your freedom. This is your time to take responsibility for your life and live how you want to. No-one to answer to or appease. Real freedom. You can have it fairly easily and quickly. Get yourself out and let the lawyers get you what you deserve.

Thank you so much. I am crying here now. I will do it, i promise.

You can't have it all if you really want a divorce I'm afraid. Those of us who are divorced know that.
You just have to crack on and separate everything after a divorce Initiated by you.
You will have to downsize and be realistic and that probably means letting go of your livestock.
If you have that much in savings then you can afford to divorce.
I just downsized from the south east to Somerset and that worked out very well for me.
I don't have what I had before but I'm much happier on my own. It sounds like you don't want your life to change at all and I'm afraid that just isn't possible.

You're in a good position living in a mortgage free house, just withdraw some of your savings to cover a rental for 6mths then get the house sold. Surely you could claim uc if you were single and unemployed. When did you last work?

Any kids?

The other man needs avoiding at all costs unless things get desperate at home and he'll put you up until the house is sold, no strings attached..

Sorry it's come to this. Life is too short to live in a miserable relationship .

When you say livestock do you mean farm animals/horses or pets?

I agree with PPs- don't jump into living with the other man. You could have a relationship with them, but the danger if you move in with them is that you could jump from the frying pan into the fire.

As others say, you need legal advice.

You may be entitled to part of his pension. As he's recently retired at 62, I assume that he has an occupational pension since he's not yet entitled to his state pension.

It will be difficult to 'undo' 25 years of marriage, but you deserve to be happy.

I need to be honest, it won't be easy getting a job at 54 as many employers do discriminate against 'older' workers. I would suggest that you do some voluntary work (possibly in a charity shop) to gain some recent work experience and a recent reference. Many charities will also put you through NVQ qualifications such as 'customer service' etc which would help you when applying for jobs.

Your first port of call is to a solicitor. Many do a 30 minute free consultation, in which case you will need to use your 30 minutes well and go armed with a written list of questions. Your local Citizen's Advice will be able to point you in the right direction.

Just a thought - has his behaviour changed relatively recently? A change in personality can often be a symptom of early on-set dementia. But that doesn't change things - you feel how you do. Go for it and good luck x

Message me any time x

sending hugs. 😘

No I am more than happy to have far less than i have now. In some ways I'd welcome it. I feel right now I have enough but not much. Thanks for sharing your success story, It's good to hear from people who have been through it and have a happy life now.

Thank you, I will do that. I'll read the book today/tonight x

If OP has savings in the region of the value of a house, even divided by 2 it would be over £16k so would exclude her from Universal Credit.

I could do that cash wise. We don't have any kids so that's one less thing to have to worry about. Over the years I've kept thinking it would be different when... just when has never appeared.

Hug, OP, from a non hugger.
❤️
I'm 45, married for 20 years and what you said really hit a spot.

I have no children and husband is pretty decent, but being "the unit of one" has been something
I wanted for ages. Added the fear how long I'm gonna live if father died only at 63.
I don't have advice, just massive solidarity.
My parents were emotionally abusive, currently I'm waiting for the remaining one to disappear, so I can move back to my country of origin, claim my inheritance and live my own, solitary life.

Think about your options, look out for them, do it slowly, put yourself first.
Once a way out appears, jump at it like a 🦁 lioness.

Sorry, I didn't realise that.

are you in the UK OP

Thank you for the support, and for sharing your story. It helps so much to know I am not on my own.
As yiu say, a way out will emerge and I will jump at it and run and run and run....
Good luck for your future and becoming a unit of 1.

Yes i am

"I also have a terribly sad wish to get an illness and die as a way out of this. I have felt like this for a very long time."

This made me feel very sad for you 😔

Thank you. I feel very ashamed saying it and can't understand how a person who was sane and happy (and everyone else things is very strong) can get to this position in life. I will sort it out though....

I mean poultry and flying birds. I could rehome them if needed - if that was the only option.

That's exactly what I want... but I am so terrified or making it happen. I have no idea why. If I was advising someone else I'd say get the heck out of there!

I have a work from home self employed job which pays around £4k a year so it's at least something.

We don't have kids. He has 2 from his first marriage (he's not particularly fond of them) and said "having more would be embarrassing but we could think about having some if I wanted" :-)))) As you can imagine I felt great about that!!! and said 'Thanks but it's fine without'.

I just want to be on my own and free to build a life where I am not reliant or beholden to anyone ever again.

Thanks for taking time to reply to me.

I got divorced, OP, from a seemingly impossible situation. It has turned out ok. What can I say. I’m huffily contemplating the washing up, but I’m doing it from the comfort of my own sofa in my own house, alone.