Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice on how to actually leave my marriage

34 replies

LiftTheSky · 25/01/2025 14:29

I'm 54 and have been married 25 years and if I live to being 79 I can't face another 25 years. I can't say it's been 25 happy years. He's very stubborn and has moods and my mental health can't accommodate this. I think it would be classed as emotionally abusive but I don't know really... He's fine as long as he is doing what he wants and nobody gets on his nerves or asks 'grown up' things of him. The only way to move on from the stubbornness and moods is for me to fawn and try to make things better. There's no 'making up' we just move on... Other people experience the same behaviour from him, they either give in (which is what I do) or give up and lose contact/interest.
We have slept in separate bedrooms for about 5 years with a physical relationship about once every 3 or 4 months.
I would like to be a unit of one - just me. I want to look after myself from now on and never be beholden to anyone ever again. But I don't know how to leave.
Our house has no mortgage and we have about the same money in the bank as the house is worth. He has just retired (age 62) and the pension is enough to keep one person but not 2 of us if split in half. In my head he would keep all the cash and the pension and I'd keep the house and get a job to pay my way. But that would mean making him leave - and I can't see him doing that.
I could rent a house as a temporary arrangement but that seems like a waste of the money available. I also have some livestock which would be tricky to take to a rented property.
My other option is a person I know from a mutual hobby would give anything to take me in and would treat me like a princess but I don't really want that. I don't know him other than passing conversation, and he's miles away and my home and friends is here. I don't have family anywhere near me and although friends would give me a roof over my head for a few days I wouldn't impose on them for any period of time. I don't know if I am brave/tough enough to stay in the same house until the details are sorted as I know he would be horrible to me.
I have this stupid dream of just running away....and keeping running. I also have a terribly sad wish to get an illness and die as a way out of this. I have felt like this for a very long time.
Could you help with some advice and suggestions please.

OP posts:
PineConeOrDogPoo · 28/01/2025 07:02

LiftTheSky · 27/01/2025 20:10

I have a work from home self employed job which pays around £4k a year so it's at least something.

We don't have kids. He has 2 from his first marriage (he's not particularly fond of them) and said "having more would be embarrassing but we could think about having some if I wanted" :-)))) As you can imagine I felt great about that!!! and said 'Thanks but it's fine without'.

I just want to be on my own and free to build a life where I am not reliant or beholden to anyone ever again.

Thanks for taking time to reply to me.

Show quote history

Having more would be embarrassing? This reminded me of a friend of mine whose father was embarrassed about his wife being pregnant.

Good God these men need therapy for their hang ups about what other people think

PineConeOrDogPoo · 28/01/2025 07:17

Realistically though OP. Your life will need to change in some way. You need to make a list of possible scenarios

  1. You explain you would like a divorce, and leave the house (hell never leave voluntarily) and leave the livestock behind and he agrees to care for it temporarily or you ask a neighbour (or give to a refuge for safekeeping). You rent a room in a shared dwelling or stay with a friend or family member (but would need to be comfortable for this to stretch long term) to minimise your costs as your income is too low to support more than a room. You apply for Universal Credit and whatever benefits you can get. You prepare to live like a church mouse for a good while and ramp up your working hours/income. In parallel you apply for divorce and half the joint assets. He won't be happy and will drag it out but in a few years you'll have access to the money in the house /pension. You then purchase your own place and bring the livestock over. This is the long haul.

  2. You explain you want to leave. You escape to treat you like a princess man. It might all go horribly wrong longer term so be prepared for more relationship trauma. However, it could also go reasonably ok for a while. In parallel, apply for divorce and keep working. If it goes wrong with new man, it will give you some time to get the divorce through. Then if he turns out ok or better, you can make a choice what to do.

  3. You stay put and live in misery

  4. Some other option I haven't thought of like escaping to a low cost country where you can live well for 4000 a year and don't need a visa...

In all cases, work on increasing your income ASAP.

user1492757084 · 28/01/2025 07:29

Can you look for a nearby animal feeding job on a farm that has a cottage attached to the job? Could you work on an egg farm?
Take the poultry and your car and work out a divorce from a country abode.

Gonk123 · 28/01/2025 09:53

Get some legal advice and then you’ll have a better idea of your position.
approach your husband with the prospect of divorce after this and see if you can make an amicable plan. Sometimes it can be surprising - he sounds like he is probably as unhappy as you are. I wouldn’t let him know you have had some legal advise as it will stoke the fire.
I don’t think you can make much of a plan for what you can do until this point. Sounds to be decent assets at your disposal so hopefully things will be ok for you.
if you have a roof over your head and good food, the rest will follow.
keep well x

sussanna · 29/01/2025 11:10

I wouldnt move in with the other man OP, sounds like you dont know him that well, and you dont want to exchange a known devil for an unknown one

It sounds like you live in the countryside, and I can only speak as one of those ppl who love city life much more (perhaps having only known that) - But in your place, would move to the nearest big city where there are variety and plenty of job options - take something full time , at a minimum wage level even - I would then be able to afford a room in a shared accomodation rental off roommate dot com , plenty of shared acc options - it wouldnt be much but you would be free and independent....

sussanna · 29/01/2025 11:11

and of course once you file for divorce in the long term , you will get a share of the house etc and should be better off then......

Original poster
LiftTheSky · 29/01/2025 22:13

PineConeOrDogPoo · 28/01/2025 07:17

Realistically though OP. Your life will need to change in some way. You need to make a list of possible scenarios

  1. You explain you would like a divorce, and leave the house (hell never leave voluntarily) and leave the livestock behind and he agrees to care for it temporarily or you ask a neighbour (or give to a refuge for safekeeping). You rent a room in a shared dwelling or stay with a friend or family member (but would need to be comfortable for this to stretch long term) to minimise your costs as your income is too low to support more than a room. You apply for Universal Credit and whatever benefits you can get. You prepare to live like a church mouse for a good while and ramp up your working hours/income. In parallel you apply for divorce and half the joint assets. He won't be happy and will drag it out but in a few years you'll have access to the money in the house /pension. You then purchase your own place and bring the livestock over. This is the long haul.

  2. You explain you want to leave. You escape to treat you like a princess man. It might all go horribly wrong longer term so be prepared for more relationship trauma. However, it could also go reasonably ok for a while. In parallel, apply for divorce and keep working. If it goes wrong with new man, it will give you some time to get the divorce through. Then if he turns out ok or better, you can make a choice what to do.

  3. You stay put and live in misery

  4. Some other option I haven't thought of like escaping to a low cost country where you can live well for 4000 a year and don't need a visa...

In all cases, work on increasing your income ASAP.

I appreciate you replying and this is a really helpful summary - it made me smile too.
One thought for Option 4)...any other ideas... was I wondered if I could use my half of the cash savings to buy a small house to move myself into. And then I could decide if that was to be my forever home once the whole thing was sorted???

OP posts:
Original poster
LiftTheSky · 29/01/2025 22:16

sussanna · 29/01/2025 11:10

I wouldnt move in with the other man OP, sounds like you dont know him that well, and you dont want to exchange a known devil for an unknown one

It sounds like you live in the countryside, and I can only speak as one of those ppl who love city life much more (perhaps having only known that) - But in your place, would move to the nearest big city where there are variety and plenty of job options - take something full time , at a minimum wage level even - I would then be able to afford a room in a shared accomodation rental off roommate dot com , plenty of shared acc options - it wouldnt be much but you would be free and independent....

You make good points there. Thanks. I will give your idea about city living some thought... I'd have to buy a whole new wardrobe of clothes to look and feel the part 😁 That could be a good thing!

OP posts:
PineConeOrDogPoo · 30/01/2025 07:35

sussanna · 29/01/2025 11:10

I wouldnt move in with the other man OP, sounds like you dont know him that well, and you dont want to exchange a known devil for an unknown one

It sounds like you live in the countryside, and I can only speak as one of those ppl who love city life much more (perhaps having only known that) - But in your place, would move to the nearest big city where there are variety and plenty of job options - take something full time , at a minimum wage level even - I would then be able to afford a room in a shared accomodation rental off roommate dot com , plenty of shared acc options - it wouldnt be much but you would be free and independent....

I agree this is not a top option, the other man. It could go badly wrong. It is quite a risk.

Also agree a city would be a far easier way to build up your social network / find work but you'd need a house with garden with space for your animals so that could make it more expensive.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page