Ex wife troubles

[Danzab]

I've been with my partner for 7 months. Everything is great except his ex wife.
His ex wife is the only reason we butt heads. She's vile. She doesn't know me but has slagged me off to my partner 101 times. She threatens he can't see the kids because of me, she parks outside the house to see if I'm there, it's been 7 months of verbal abuse. She's pushed and pushed to the point I even reported her. She has caused me so much stress. My partner has even lied to me to try and 'protect' me.
And now, any little thing she does triggers me. I get emotional, upset, stressed and I just feel defeated.
My partner told me and his ex wife that they're only communicating about the kids. Okay great.
One minute she's blowing up and threatening all sorts, he hates her and so forth. Then, in the next breath, she's messaged him something not kid related and he's acknowledging it.
This triggers me. I feel myself shutting off. He's gone against his own words.
I hate how one minute she's being a nightmare, and then they act like nothing happened. I'm forever chasing my emotions.
Now he's saying he'll keep it about the kids but he's going to keep it open because he's not sure what she'll message in the future.
But this hurts me. To me, he's not prioritising my feelings. To me, he chooses to acknowledge what she's got to say but doesn't acknowledge how much pain she caused me.
He tells me something like that shouldn't trigger me. He tells me it's ridiculous. In an ideal world I'd love everyone to be atleast amicable. But as far as I'm concerned, she crossed that line months ago. So yes, in a ' normal relationship' something this small wouldn't trigger me.
I feel like I'm not his priority because no matter what she does, he forgets it all as soon as she's playing nice. Meanwhile, I'm in the back ground upset.
He keeps telling me he doesn't have any feelings for her. But there's little bits of evidence to suggest otherwise.
I'm driving myself crazy with all of this.
I would like him to keep it strictly about the children. But he doesn't agree.
Am I asking too much of him?
Me and the kids have a great relationship and I try and support him through everything. Even when his ex awkward. I'm always picking up her slack.
For me personally, because I love him, whatever he asked of me I'd prioritise him. But I'm not receiving the same back.
Any advice would be appreciated. Many thanks 😊

Leave him too much drama.

I would not want to continue in a relationship like this. I don't think it's going to improve for you.

I don't understand why you are so full on at 7 months into a relationship with dc involved.
Step away.

Honestly walk away. You can't dictate what he talks about with his ex wife and it seems really messy for a virtually new relationship.

You shouldn't even really have a relationship with his kids if you've only been together a few months.

Sometimes things that are difficult seem more valuable because of the struggle, but that's not the reality.

Surely you could find someone with less baggage?

Simply say let's have a break while you draw some boundaries with the ex.
Contact me when done

This is not a relationship. It’s a soap opera. End it. It’s not healthy for you. Also, never be with a guy who would introduce you to his children so quickly. You’ve only known him 7 months and you already have a, “great relationship” with the kids. This relationship will not last and you will be gone from these poor children’s lives and they will wonder what the fuck happened to that lady who was sometimes about to play with but who was always upset and crying because of their mum and dad. And their mum and dad are always arguing too. Poor children. Walk away. Don’t meet the next man’s children until you’ve been in a committed relationship for at least a year. And even then do it in a neural place and don’t stay over in their home. If a man wants to introduce you right away, that’s a red flag and a sign to not be in a relationship with him. If he doesn’t care about his children’s wellbeing by having strangers come in and out of their lives, what makes you so special?

I'm not sure this is going to work and I do understand that you are upset but his children are his priority and that is maybe why he tries to keep on the right side of his ex regardless of whether she is being reasonable or not

Seven months and you’ve had this from the start? I can’t understand why you’re choosing to live with this level of drama. If you really want to continue this, step back from the children. I’m assuming that he doesn’t have them around at least 50% of the time. See him then.

This is a partner problem as much as an ex wife problem.
When you say you are "picking up her slack" I imagine in reality you are picking up his.

Be wary of a man who is happy to let you parent his children for him this early on.

This sounds like way too much fuss & drama for 7 months in!

I'll just add that the kids aren't strangers to me. Before our relationship. We're from the same town. I've known him 2+ years.

They share custody. It's 50/50

But thank you all for commenting

Even so, you should be in the girlfriend role, not any kind of parenting role with the children at this stage.

When did they separate? They don't sound finished.

Is the ex so angry about your relationship because she suspects there was overlap ?

14 months ago.

You've been together 7 months, however serious you think it is, it isn't. He shouldn't be having you around his kids as his girlfriend after such a short time. You shouldn't be competing for his affection with his ex wife.

If I was his ex wife I'd be raising eyebrows tbh.

I wouldn't have thought so, she left him for someone else.

They're not finished this type of to and froing is common amongst couples who fail to detach correctly post-divorce.
It's common.
I'd leave rather than be piggy in the middle between these two.

You are a stranger to them in this new step-parent role you’ve stepped into. You might not like the answers you’ve been given but you asked and you can’t now say you haven’t been told. This is a shit show. Get out of it and stay away from his children. They’re not your responsibility and you shouldn’t be playing stepmum to them. Ever thought maybe the ex isn’t that pleased that her kids dad is just introducing them to new women right away and she’s not happy because that’s not good for them? This kind of behaviour is a red flag op. This man would do the same to you if you had kids with him and split up. How would you feel if he introduced your kids to their new stepmum so quickly?

How do you know what she is saying about you to him? He must be telling you, but why? It’s not kind or helpful.

And you say that he lied to you to “protect you”, what form did that take? Does this woman contact you directly and make your life difficult, or does it all come through him?

(Also, if you choose to provide childcare then remember that you are never picking up her slack, you are choosing to do that when your partner should be looking after his own DC)

Your bf shouldn’t be dating until he’s ended things properly with her. He’s a bunch of red flags blaming you for the fact that he’s still attached (I’m not saying romantically ) and prefers to annoy you than his ex.

It will get worse the longer you’re with him and he sides with her. Each major milestone will be ruined by them and if you have kids then they will be treated second best too.

Put yourself first and leave

7 months does not a partner make.

He should be prioritizing his kids over a new GF. You are not his priority nor should you be. The better his co-parenting relationship, the better off his kids are.

You're being controlling in demanding how he communicates with his ex.

This is too soon for you to be introduced to the kids, much less be involved with them.

He's lied to you.

You've got high conflict interactions with the mother of his kids.

Does he have you taking care of his kids on his parenting time?

That's an awful lot of drama to bring into your life. The first year should be wonderful with all that new relationship energy and you've got a shit show. It's not going to improve

Btw it’s your partner and timing that’s the problem, not really the ex wife. He doesn’t want to deal with things so it will get increasingly worse

So you knew him for around a year before they split up and then become an 'official' couple 7months after they split.

All way too soon. It's not surprising she is taking issue to you especially if there's children involved . The reality is he comes with an ex and she isn't going anywhere so you need to decide if he is worth the stress.

So he’d only been separated a few months when you started dating?

He doesn’t sound like he’s anywhere near ready to be in another committed relationship yet.

It’s a common theme and it’s why dating recently separated men is never a good idea, especially when there’s children involved. They’re often looking for a rebound.

This doesn’t bode well imo . I’d walk away from the drama.

Although I wouldn’t be ‘vile’ personally I wouldn’t be comfortable with my kids playing happy families with daddy’s new gf before they’ve had time to fully deal with their parents splitting. It’s all too much too soon.

Would be interesting to hear the "ex's" version of events.