Ex wife troubles

[Danzab]

I've been with my partner for 7 months. Everything is great except his ex wife.
His ex wife is the only reason we butt heads. She's vile. She doesn't know me but has slagged me off to my partner 101 times. She threatens he can't see the kids because of me, she parks outside the house to see if I'm there, it's been 7 months of verbal abuse. She's pushed and pushed to the point I even reported her. She has caused me so much stress. My partner has even lied to me to try and 'protect' me.
And now, any little thing she does triggers me. I get emotional, upset, stressed and I just feel defeated.
My partner told me and his ex wife that they're only communicating about the kids. Okay great.
One minute she's blowing up and threatening all sorts, he hates her and so forth. Then, in the next breath, she's messaged him something not kid related and he's acknowledging it.
This triggers me. I feel myself shutting off. He's gone against his own words.
I hate how one minute she's being a nightmare, and then they act like nothing happened. I'm forever chasing my emotions.
Now he's saying he'll keep it about the kids but he's going to keep it open because he's not sure what she'll message in the future.
But this hurts me. To me, he's not prioritising my feelings. To me, he chooses to acknowledge what she's got to say but doesn't acknowledge how much pain she caused me.
He tells me something like that shouldn't trigger me. He tells me it's ridiculous. In an ideal world I'd love everyone to be atleast amicable. But as far as I'm concerned, she crossed that line months ago. So yes, in a ' normal relationship' something this small wouldn't trigger me.
I feel like I'm not his priority because no matter what she does, he forgets it all as soon as she's playing nice. Meanwhile, I'm in the back ground upset.
He keeps telling me he doesn't have any feelings for her. But there's little bits of evidence to suggest otherwise.
I'm driving myself crazy with all of this.
I would like him to keep it strictly about the children. But he doesn't agree.
Am I asking too much of him?
Me and the kids have a great relationship and I try and support him through everything. Even when his ex awkward. I'm always picking up her slack.
For me personally, because I love him, whatever he asked of me I'd prioritise him. But I'm not receiving the same back.
Any advice would be appreciated. Many thanks 😊

You've know him 2 years.

They broke up 14 months ago.

You've been together 7 months.

You are already 'picking up the slack' with the DC.

"To me, he's not prioritising my feelings."

Massively too much, much too soon.

He is trying to navigate a break up and new normal with the children and the exW. But you want him to prioritise the feelings of his new GF? No. In order he should be thinking about:

The DC... huge gap... his MH and recovery from the break-up... making a new healthy relationship with his exW so they can co-parent and work together... huge gap... any relationship other than those. You should come a very distant last place.

Date him if you must. But don't step into a parenting role. At all. And don't expect him to magically be OK after a relationship break up, especially with cheating.

I've got no qualms with the answers I've been given. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and I welcome them. If I was afraid of people's responses, I wouldn't have posted on here for the world to see.

They’re still involved. The fact that it’s negative doesn’t matter, they’re still involved. Sorry to say this but it sounds like a rebound situation.

I started to read this and thought it would be another post about the horrible ex wife and everyone would defend her . (Wrongly )
Tbh your post is all over the place and I can see how your head must be .
But…. This is a partner problem. Not an ex wife .

He is no good . You need to end this and leave the pair to it whatever it may be .

Are they divorced?

The mum has left him for someone else.
Is that ok then????

😂
Mumsnet double bubble strikes again.

These kids need stability not more drama.

The mum has left him for someone else.
Is that ok then????

MN is pretty consistent on not introducing new parters quickly. Male or female. And the exW isn't here or I expect she would be told.

According to who? Her ex husband? It doesn’t matter how their relationship ended, I’m saying that this is not fair on the kids. And even if she did leave him, he still should not be introducing new stepmum to them immediately as he clearly has done.

Well, she abused him. Physically, emotionally and mentally. She was continuously unfaithful.
The ex hasn't become a problem since the break up. I live in a small town and word gets around. I kind of knew what I was stepping into. Just didn't realise at what level.
She even set the time frame on meeting the kids. We played by her rules. I'm aware it's difficult for mums. I'm a mum, but I trust their dad would make the right call. I don't involve myself in his relationship and choose to make it difficult for him.

Have you introduced you kids to him? Are you living together?

Are you picking up her slack or do you expect her to pick up his and annoyed she doesn't. Is she completely anti you or does she have healthy boundaries where the children and new relationships are involved.

Yes she left the relationship for someone else, doesn't mean she introduced the kids the next day

Yes.

She wanted to meet for a coffee before any involvement. So we did. I totally get this. And I have to say it went well. She was happy, I was happy. But then it all started. I started receiving messages from people about the things she's telling everyone.

I started picking up hers when she'd let the kids down.

Have the kids met the ex wife's partner, you know, the one she left your BF for?

Your BF has not severed ties with his ex at all, not a bit. I think he wants her back.

TBH I was exhausted reading this. Far too much drama already.

Agree!

If she lets the kids down (and I’m not sure what you mean by that) then their father should be looking after them. If their father then asks you to look after them or ferry them around, then you are helping HIM, not her.

it sounds like you've serious issues with the ex or slightly worried about her presence still in your exes life. So long as she is acting amicably and not overstepping boundaries I'm not sure what your issue is with her. Unfortunately your partner has a past and he made a family with her, I'm sure it's not easy on her behalf either and there's her side of the story too. So long as they can co parent and be amicable for the kids then I'd just let them crack on. They might argue and fall out from time to time but doesn't that happen in any relationship, people butt heads and they could be butting heads over something that they can't agree on with the kids, then it's sorted and forgot about which would explain why they argue at times then get on fine the next.
He has to have contact with her in regards to the kids or other things that are in the interest of the kids and at least he's doing that rather than being a dead beat man that isn't interested in co parenting! I think you're too invested in him and the ex when there's no need to be.
Are you fearful of the fact they communicate, is there a reason to why you don't like that?

Way too much drama and toxicity op. Advice? Get the hell out and find someone without the baggage… seriously, life’s too short.