Husband hates weekends

[Waffle19]

Not sure whether this is the right board for this but just after some advice or words of wisdom. My husband currently hates weekends and his attitude is just bringing down the mood of the whole house.

We have two kids, 1 and 4, so we’re in the thick of parenting young children. So yes our weekends are fairly dull. We have housework to do (mainly laundry, hoovering, bedding etc as we are fortunate enough to have a weekly cleaner). We have two dogs to walk. The youngest needs a longish middle of the day nap though we don’t run our lives around this. My eldest has a weekly swimming lesson. And obviously the kids want down time to play with us and their toys after a week in school / nursery.

I get that it’s not exciting and often I’m bored too but I also think it’s part and parcel of life with young contents and I’m fairly content.

We regularly do a morning out or a day out at a farm, country park etc and to be honest we go out as a family a lot more than other families we know so it’s not as if we’re stuck in all weekend.

But recently every weekend DH is moaning that he hates and we don’t do anything.

I just don’t know how to fix this. I’ve tried asking him what he would like to do, what plans he’d like us to make. I’ve encouraged him to start playing a sport he used to do pre covid and kids. I booked us a weekend away child free as a Christmas present. I get my parents to help as much as they can. I actively encourage him to meet his friends.

But ultimately we can’t change the complete nature of our weekends unless I’m missing something. I just feel like this is how weekends with kids are.

Anyone got any advice? I wonder if he’s depressed but I don’t know how to tackle that. At the end of the day I can’t force him to make his own plans but then it’s also driving me mad listening to his moaning.

At the moment I’m constantly just tempted to say to him let’s split up then he’d get the child free weekends he’s hankering for while I’d get weekends with the kids that at least wouldn’t be ruined by his moaning. That’s not really a serious option but I feel like he doesn’t just get that if he wants regular child free weekends that’s the only option!

My kids are now older (10 & 13) but we both have had our moments with same moan in the past (though we were never both moaning at same time!) and currently my husband is making similar complaints about boringness while I'm fairly content (I think I enjoy routine more than him). Anyway, no silver bullet but one thing that I have felt help eases this is actually to do less all together as a family and instead each of you take a different child out, with choice depending on what the parent wants to do (eg if one of you wants to get on with something at home while the younger one naps, they get the younger one). That means you get to decide what to do, and there is less time wrangling collectively over the activity. This works less well when kids are older as they will be more vocal on what they want (fact my kids would be happiest staying home gaming is a major cause of dullness for us on weekends!), so my advice is get this in now! Also try giving each of you a bit of child free time regularly, so you each get a bit at least one weekend a month.

To be fair, it sounds like pulling teeth! But he needs to be on board with planning on how you make it a bit more fun.

Has he articulated, or can he articulate, what he'd like the weekend to look like in an ideal world?

we do every other weekend together as a family both days - our kids are 8months and 3

the other weekend we each get a day run ourselves ! Im currently on the way to the cinema by myself and will get my dinner out and meet a friend for a drink come back after bed time !

he’ll do whatever he wants tomorrow.

you don’t have to all be together all the time - not getting a break from the kids regularly would drive me nuts !

Ha, if you split up he would have the kids all to himself on the weekend bet he would love that! He sounds like a miserable f*. Tell him to keep his miserable comments to himself you are not responsible for entertaining him.

@emmyren4 Not on the context of how we could make things more fun now. He talks about how great it was before kids when we could lie in for hours, go to the pub etc but I don’t think we did things massively different (he still gets one lie in over the weekend and regularly goes to the pub), it’s not like we were a couple who used to be out all weekend partying and adventuring!

We also both have at least one evening a week child free due to different activities we do so I don’t think we have it that bad. He just hates family focused weekends.

He’s a father now. He has to be a father at weekends. He can’t expect to have fun-filled weekends in adult company like a single or childless man. It’s what happens when you decide to have children- you become parents and your children come first.

You’ve tried to encourage him to things for himself and instead he just moans. Have you told him how badly his whingeing is affecting you? As the kids get older it will affect them too.

Nothing worse than someone who keeps moaning about being bored but makes no effort or suggestion to help the situation!! It sounds like you are trying to plan and suggest things and getting nothing back. So I'd be ignoring his whinging as much as possible, yes it's boring parenting young kids, it is what it is. If I had my way I wouldn't be stood freezing cold at a park on a Saturday morning but hey that's what happens

I literally have no issue with him going off and doing what he wants for a day at the weekend… but he never actually arranges it and I can’t do that for him. He’s been out twice in the last week with friends of an evening so not as if he’s not had any time to himself recently. Your day sounds great though, I may copy that for myself next weekend!

I'm not sure why the weekends have to be doing something. It's very much a modern invention. The age gaps are tricky 1 and 4. 4-year-olds can be left to play alone. I yr olds need supervision.
What about visiting family?
I remember endless play gyms, swimming lessons, the odd castle etc, and parks when it's not lashing it down...

Yeah, that's pretty shit. The reality is that life with two kids is life with two kids. These years don't last forever and it's a shame to spend them with a partner who doesn't try to join in making it as fun a journey as possible for everyone.

Does he ever have both kids on his own?

What was he like when you just had one?

@cynthiamj family is a whole other issue. We see my family a fair bit. But his family don’t make an effort and even when we do see them it’s more me trying to make the arrangements (him and his brothers are all as hopeless as each other!)

I mean... if he was saying 'we never do x with the kids' but presumably he's out at work all week, you've said he gets to go to the pub etc so he does get time away - kind of sounds like he just doesn't enjoy spending time parenting his children?

He does in the evenings, not much of a weekend because to be honest I have massive mum guilt at the mo for how little I see them in the week so never feel like I need a break at the weekend. He has them one weekend morning while I have a lie in.

That’s exactly how it feels! Like the issue is he just doesn’t want a weekend with the kids. While I feel guilty all week at how little I see them.

I don't think it's your problem to fix OP. Your husband is being an unimaginative prat if he cannot think of anything to amuse himself or suggest what would make him enjoy weekends . To most people you are leading a usual family life .

He talks about how great it was before kids
he just doesn’t want a weekend with the kids

What a twat! Did he actually want children??

"Monday morning is the new Friday evening" said a comedian with small children ones. He is not wrong. Weekends with children are boring.

Perhaps he could go to therapy and figure out what's going on for him. Possible depression or addiction can make normal life just very grey and numbing. Does he resent having children or married life? Did he grow up seeing his dad do whatever he wants and mum did everything else?

Sounds like you've been a great support for him but it's his responsibility. He isn't taking any of the time or suggestions you're offering him so there must be more going on. Focus on what you need too op and leave him to it. Especially if he is bringing the mood down when spending time together.

It is boring we have young kids. We focus on shared projects and try to give eachother some time out when we can or making evenings when they are in bed fun/ plan something to look forward to. These young years don't last forever.

I think I’d say he either needs to come up with a solution or shut up. And make it clear that if you split up he will be having them every other weekend. If he’s depressed there’s medication and therapy

I get Sundays with no kids and still find myself not doing much aside from playing chess and bit of afternoon romance with my partner. Can I ask what an interesting day would be so I can maybe give it a try.

Maybe book a comedy club on a sat eve? Would he like this

This is not your problem OP, if he finds weekends boring he needs to find some interest that he enjoys. You've tried, you've arranged child free activities but he's still not happy. You've even encouraged him to resume a sport, presumably whilst you look after the children! It's obvious he just doesn't want to spend time with his family but that's not your issue to fix. You can't turn back the clock to pre kids so he needs to reconcile himself to the fact that this is his life now. Did he want children in the first place?

Maybe a weekend without the kids would be refreshing... it's one weekend, go and be a couple go somewhere together. Adults need adult time too.

I like this reply .. say we are parents now so let's change it up a bit. Why don't you take poppy swimming this weekend and I'll prep dinner with baby. Next weekend I'll take baby swimming and you and pops ca prep dinner.
Weekend after whe don't you take pops to see uncle sid and his kids fir the day and I'll amuse baby etc