Husband hates weekends

[Waffle19]

Not sure whether this is the right board for this but just after some advice or words of wisdom. My husband currently hates weekends and his attitude is just bringing down the mood of the whole house.

We have two kids, 1 and 4, so we’re in the thick of parenting young children. So yes our weekends are fairly dull. We have housework to do (mainly laundry, hoovering, bedding etc as we are fortunate enough to have a weekly cleaner). We have two dogs to walk. The youngest needs a longish middle of the day nap though we don’t run our lives around this. My eldest has a weekly swimming lesson. And obviously the kids want down time to play with us and their toys after a week in school / nursery.

I get that it’s not exciting and often I’m bored too but I also think it’s part and parcel of life with young contents and I’m fairly content.

We regularly do a morning out or a day out at a farm, country park etc and to be honest we go out as a family a lot more than other families we know so it’s not as if we’re stuck in all weekend.

But recently every weekend DH is moaning that he hates and we don’t do anything.

I just don’t know how to fix this. I’ve tried asking him what he would like to do, what plans he’d like us to make. I’ve encouraged him to start playing a sport he used to do pre covid and kids. I booked us a weekend away child free as a Christmas present. I get my parents to help as much as they can. I actively encourage him to meet his friends.

But ultimately we can’t change the complete nature of our weekends unless I’m missing something. I just feel like this is how weekends with kids are.

Anyone got any advice? I wonder if he’s depressed but I don’t know how to tackle that. At the end of the day I can’t force him to make his own plans but then it’s also driving me mad listening to his moaning.

At the moment I’m constantly just tempted to say to him let’s split up then he’d get the child free weekends he’s hankering for while I’d get weekends with the kids that at least wouldn’t be ruined by his moaning. That’s not really a serious option but I feel like he doesn’t just get that if he wants regular child free weekends that’s the only option!

My advice is that you are not responsible for his happiness, only your own. This is not your problem. He needs to figure it out himself. You are being supportive. Tell him if his mood is bringing an atmosphere but you need to find a way to be happy irrespective of his mood as does he ( irrespective of kids).

Did he grow up seeing his dad do whatever he wants and mum did everything else?

Can’t remember which PP said this but absolutely spot on and is still the case now! And his brother is exactly the same, I feel very sorry for his wife as he literally lives the life of a single guy and she does everything. My DH does pull his weight a lot more but can’t hide how dull he finds it.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t love all weekends myself, young kids can be very dull, but I accept that comes as part and parcel of having kids.

I sympathise to some extent because my kids are the same ages and it is RELENTLESS. Neither dh nor I ever get a moment to just be. And it's way worse in winter.

It's not your problem to fix. If dh says "ugh, weekends are such hard work with two kids", the correct response is "omg I know, tell me about it", not "well why don't you take up tennis" etc.

If you make it your problem to fix, it's tacitly taking the blame, when the blame is not yours. It's no one's fault, small kids are just relentlessly hard work.

I have had the exact same moan from my husband this morning. Our kids are just a couple of months younger than yours by the sounds of it.

I don’t know what he expects me to do about it - EVERYTHING I suggest is a no - “do you want to get a bottle of wine for later”, “shall we pop to the pub for lunch” - all a miserable no! It’s January, the weather is terrible and we are skint as I am still on maternity. Honestly I nearly said to him as well, lets just split up then so he can do whatever it is he wants to do and I don’t have to listen to him.

Nothing helpful to add but solidarity!!!

I didn't find life with little kids dull, but it is repetitive. The need to give them some routine and structure can feel restrictive, especially with that age gap (we had the same), where the little one does still need a nap and isn't as mobile. And, sure, some of the things kids enjoy are mind zappingly boring in the moment, but it sounds like it's a deeper malaise with your husband.

It would be one thing if he was missing his weekends of wing walking or bungee jumping or vision quests in the desert. But he's whinging over not being able to sleep late 2 days, as opposed to 1, and only being able to go to the pub some nights? Honestly, sleeping late and going to the pub are nice sometimes, but they don't exactly add up to more excitement than having fun with your kids.

I think he does need to be told to plan some weekend days for you all. Sure, have some time off, organise some couple time, even weekends, but ultimately, he has a family now and he needs to adult up. I do agree he sounds like he might be depressed - the not being interested in re-starting a hobby might point to that - so it might be worth encouraging him to look into that. Also, if you can afford more household help, outsource the sheets and laundry so you can take that off the table.

This isn't your problem to fix. He shouldn't have had 2 children if he wanted constant child free weekends.

Stop pandering to him. Tell him to stop moaning and enjoy the children he hasn't seen most of the week because he's been working.

He's reliving his family dynamics then. He should be embracing fatherhood not whinging. Taking them out on their own, swimming is a great activity for kids...

I didn't particularly like parenting at that age either but moaning about it doesn't make it any better it just brings everyone down.
When I was a single mum I'd work hard during the week to go to work then come home and make sure the housework and laundry were done and then weekends were free for fun.
I'd take DS to music festivals in the summer and there was always a holiday in Ireland once a year with my friends and DS and we'd go to America to see relatives in winter. We only had to pay for flights.
Maybe your husband could pull his weight a bit more during the week to get everything done so you could do fun things at the weekend, fishing, camping, it doesn't have to be expensive.

Basically this. It is very important to have your own time as a parent, even when you're right in the thick of it as the OP is, but he has to be realistic that this is what he signed up for. Young children are full on, and having them octuples the housework you need to do. Given you say he gets time to himself and he has a social life, I'd be tempted to tell him he's just got to suck it up for a few years and stick this phase out (I am a dad of kids the exact same age and I definitely empathise with him to some extent, but you are being very considerate in arranging things for him and it sounds like he has realistic freedom to have a life outside of his family. As PPs have said, in your position I'd stop trying to fix the problem for him and just sympathise when he complains about it, that might just be all he is after).

@Waffle19 i think you family life’s sounds decent.
Dog walks naps. .can you do Sunday lunch out and couple of wines. .or do a move family roast together. .
You have time as couple When kids are in bed. You both aren’t struggling as a single parent .
I think you dh needs a wake up call .
He either wants to be married with a family or he wants to be single. .

Who is he out with when out twice this week ? Is this crowd un settling him? Sounds like the grass is always greener for your dh .

I think as parents of littles ones, there are always times where we look at today and the future and it seems loooong and dull. A bit trapped, and questioning “what is it all for” and, “is this it”?
Your DH is grieving for what he doesn’t have anymore and the realisation that this is for the long haul. You should both try and see the joy in what he does have and shake it up a bit at the weekends to balance out the tedium.
Definitely recommend that you send him out on a child free day and then you do the same. Let him go first so he can’t complain when you go 😉
Wait till he has to stay in because the kids are behind on school coursework and need help…that is boring IMO and annoying (when you have benn tying to jog them along for months to avoid the inevitable).
Definitely ditch household chores on a weekend, do your best to get that out of the way by Friday and perhaps do an hour of uniform and packed lunch prep on Sunday evening. Have cheats eats at the weekend (quick low fuss to prep food like steak and salad, cheese and biscuits or have supermarket takeouts). It’s much easier to do chores for a hour on Sunday even without feeling grumpy if you have had an otherwise lovely weekend. I am sure you can tell from all
the posts before mine that many of us have been there and will be for a while. 🥱

Agree with PP that his moods aren't your problem to fix. You do however need to be clear with him how his moods make you unhappy and the consequences if he doesn't shape up. Not sure why you are saying the splitting up comment is a joke. If my partner didn't engage in family life id be done with him.

I have two under 4s also and yes weekends can be hard work but that's the reality of having kids.

We only have the 1 child (expecting DC2) but our weekends can also be quite dull and repetitive. DH struggled with it a bit so we made an effort to do something he enjoys that DC can also enjoy, whether that’s going for a coffee with our friends or taking a walk. DH is always the one to plan it though as he’s the one who had an issue with the way weekends used to be.

Your DH needs to suggest what he would like to do, and needs to plan it. He can’t just say he’s bored and expect you to solve it.

He talks about how great it was before kids when we could lie in for hours, go to the pub etc but I don’t think we did things massively different (he still gets one lie in over the weekend and regularly goes to the pub)

Yeah I'd be pointing this out. And saying you're happy to take suggestions for how to liven up weekends for you adults, but a) he has to think of some, not expect you to magically come up with all the ideas, and b) the ideas can't be 'I could spend the whole weekend out while you have them'

I don’t mean it’s a joke, just mean it’s something I wouldn’t seriously consider at this stage because I think having kids this age is hard work and not the right time to be making any big decisions like that

Did he actually want kids? He sounds like he hates being a father which is sad really.
I don’t think I could stay married to someone who actively hated being a parent. I get it’s not all sunshine and rainbows and it’s hard. But does he ever want to spend time with his family?

He talks about how great it was before kids when we could lie in for hours, go to the pub etc but I don’t think we did things massively different (he still gets one lie in over the weekend and regularly goes to the pub)

Does he have any active healthy hobbies? I mean he sounds pretty dull himself if those are the activities he is missing. I wouldn't be putting in extra childcare for my partner to go to the pub.

Yeah I think he just doesn‘t enjoy parenting his children…. It doesn‘t even seem like he want more fun. Just wants to laze around like a student. I mean I sometimes remember how relaxing life was when I lived on my own…but I love my kids and don‘t moan about my life wife them which is fun and beautiful. I feel like maybe he needs some counselling / life coaching to help him get more accountable for his happiness.

That's amazing!

Come to think of it, this is how we have always worked - tag teaming rather than all together as one unit, except for Sundays

Poor guy, I do sympathise which is why I enjoyed going to work at the weekend. I was out the door by 6 am and you couldn't see my arse for dust. My long suffering husband used to make a joke of it. But I'd make it up for him in other ways and he was happy with that.

The truth is looking after small children is both dull and hard work at the same time but you can't put them in a cardboard box and sent them off to Peru so unless you're going to hire a nanny there's sweet FA you can do about it altho it does get better as they get older.

My advice is to tell him there are advantages to being married and give him a cold beer. Cheer up Vladimir, worse things happen at sea.

So he doesn't want to be a parent despite getting more free time than most parents wow what did he expect...you to get up him lie in and the wonder to the pub

Sounds like a plan

It's not your responsibility to work out how he can enjoy weekends - it's his. He needs to stop moaning and grow up, and take responsibility for his own happiness. Must be dragging everyone down, moaning all the time. You're going to end up with three children to entertain, or perhaps you already feel like that.

But if he actively doesn't want to do any parenting, and you don't want to do it all yourself (obviously, because you're not a selfish prick like him), and he's making your weekends miserable...

Are you asking for ways to change him? I'm not really sure how you can do that, tbh.

I'd also stop doing the work of trying to arrange seeing his family - you have more than enough to do and his relationship with his parents etc is his responsibility. If he's not bothered then that's up to him, but stop making things happen for him. That's just enabling and reinforcing his emotional/practical idleness. Focus on your relationship with your family, let him do the work with his (and be prepared to accept him letting it slide). You're not his emotional and relationship support worker, OP.