Is this just normal in a long term relationship?

[sulkysally]

Me and DH have been together for 20+ years. We’re often in a situation where one of us is annoyed with the other one, there’s a lot of low level bickering and we only really communicate to talk about the kids/money/domestic issues. It’s not fun, but it’s not awful either.

I was listening to a podcast with Gabby & Kenny Logan. They were sort of bickering throughout (she’d done more Christmas prep than him, he felt she was nagging etc.) then I went to stay with friends (a couple) who’ve also been together for a long time and they were also niggling at each other for the whole weekend (he didn’t like the way she portrayed him to her friends, she was annoyed that he wasn’t pulling his weight around the house). It got me thinking, is this just how it is in long term relationships?

If it’s constant and ongoing, it’s probably an issue, but I’d say most relationships have patches like this.

Depends what you mean by normal. Is it common? Probably. Is it healthy? Really not.

I imagine the couple on the podcast were quite possibly putting it on for the show.

I agree with the above.

I imagine it's common, but that doesn't make it healthy.

I'd say we are similar but we do talk about issues, big decisions and plan stuff together.

But there is an under lying bicker most days, and can come from either of us, but I am incredibly grouchy at the moment si trying to look after myself and be nicer!

Can you work out where it's all coming from, what resentments?

Yes I think this is how it is at 20+ years. However, we still get joy over the big things like a meal out together, a good film or a holiday. So all in all worth it

We have been together 24 years and rarely bicker and I can't remember the last time we argued. I grew up with two older brothers who used to bicker and argue with each other constantly and I couldn't be arsed with that in a marriage. I think bickering must be a result of a lack of communicating with each other.

It's not the norm in our relationship, no (together 19 years). In fact it's something that we both really dislike, we've talked about it before in relation to other couples - that thing where couples are sniping at each other in front of other people, or doing that kind of performative "her indoors" joking that's actually really pointed.

If we have an issue we'll generally try to work it out in private, and as quickly as possible.

It's certainly a common stereotype to say that people are "bickering like an old married couple".

I wouldn't say we bicker frequently and it's certainly not the only way we communicate, but I suspect most people drop their guard in front of the one person who knows them best and don't trouble to filter what they say. My DH rarely argues back so it's probably more me nagging at him!

We've been together much longer than you and we do bicker sometimes but certainly not daily, maybe once a week, if that. And we quickly move on from it, neither of us sulk.
I do believe bickering can be a habit for some couples which must be quite wearing. Bottling things up isn't good but sometimes it's necessary to bite your tongue and accept our partners do/see things differently.

Sometimes yes but not constant; when it becomes constant it can feel like you’ve lost what you even like about that other person. DH and I have times when we fall into this and then make a big effort to get out of it.

DH and I have been together 20+ years and don't bicker. My DPs do often and it makes them very unpleasant to be around frequently. DPIL have the occasional bicker but are mostly a strong team who are loving and respectful to each other. So it's certainly not inevitable. It's common, but constant bickering and no conversation other than logistics isn't healthy.

My parents are in their 70's and constantly bicker, especially my mum and especially when they are cooking. My mum makes faces behind my Dads back and it really upsets and enrages me but I keep it hidden inside as I don't want to add to the already tense atmosphere.
I've needed to explain to my son for the last 6/7 years why my mums behaviour is not acceptable. I feel it is really terrible for him to witness it. He's 15 now and we both find it very uncomfortable.

I go round there less and less because of it and stay for shorter periods of time. I used to visit every week, now its more like 2/3 times a year.
I am also reluctant for my son to spend time there without me. He hasn't asked too either.

Having grown up with parents who constantly argued and bickered when not arguing, I couldn’t personally be in a relationship like that (and didn’t as I left). Is it common? Probably, but as someone else said, it’s not healthy or a nice way to live. More importantly, it’s not nice for others, especially children who are seeing that as an example of a relationship.

Also, DH and I have been together for 16 years. We don’t ‘bicker’. We make an effort to be kind to each other even when we disagree. It’s when kindness goes that you’re really not ok as a couple, in my view.

No I think constant niggling really erodes a relationship. If something is bothering us we will just ask the other one in a gentle, non-irritated tone, for example I cook, he clears up, this week he's been leaving the draining board full of drying up which is annoying when I need to get to the sink, so I called him over and explained why it's an issue not being able to access the sink when cooking in an even non accusatory tone, "I know you're leaving this to dry but...."

Sorry that probably sounds twee, but I'd hate to be constantly niggled at in a harsh tone, it's all in how you say it. 20+ years here.

I hate spending much time with any of my friends or family members and their spouses if they have been married a long time because they always bicker and squabble after a while.
I now deliberately limit the time I spend and try to engineer it so that I only spend time with the half of the couple who I am really friends with. It makes me feel intensely uncomfortable and happy to be out of my marriage. I return home and revel in my peaceful home.
I think constant low level irritation and hostility in your own home cannot be good for anyone’s mental wellbeing.

I do think some people put on a show for other people in public, my SIL is terrible for it, berates my brother and is always eye rolling etc and joking at how useless he is at x, y and z. I don't think it's sincere, I think she thinks she's being funny (it's never anything serious, daft things, not putting the right clothes on the kids etc), but my mum and I HATE it because it feels like he cant do anything right. I pray it's not like that behind closed doors.

I think it very much depends on the relationship. My husband and I have been together for over two decades and we don't bicker at all. If there is an issue we discuss it and resolve it and move on. But I grew up in a family where constant arguments and unpleasantness was very normal and I refuse to live in a toxic environment like that again, and I'm fortunate that my husband is amazingly considerate and chilled, so it's easy not to get annoyed or bicker.

I’ve been with my partner for over 25 years, I wouldn’t stay with him if we were constantly bickering, I would find that really miserable. We disagree sometimes but it’s dealt with very quickly.

Married 25 years this year. We don’t bicker. I would hate it.

I’d say we go through bickering phases. Usually when there’s another stress on us. But 90% of the time, no we don’t bicker. I think it is common though.

I think it is kind of normal but it’s not nice. Me and DH have been married 20 plus years and are going through a bickering phase. I am trying to get out of it but have to confess I am constantly annoyed with him. We are at a time in our lives where work, kids, parents are big stress factors and it takes it toll. We are usually fine but outside pressures do impact.

My parents and his both constantly bicker so we don’t have good role models. I see how awful it is in others and want to stop it. This thread is good motivation 😆

Very common unfortunately. I couldn't be in a relationship like it. 12+ years and no bickering here. We are genuinely eachothers best friend and try to always champion the other. We've had some truly rough patches and both had therapy to untangle our unhealthy parents communication styles and relationships. We've never wanted to turn into them but it's scary how you can default to what you've grown up knowing.

We have family members that do this and honestly would rather they split up. Maybe it's more loving when they are alone but it's certainly doesn't seem that way and it's very uncomfortable to be around. Their entire conversations revolve around moaning and complaining. Thinking the other one is useless.

We see this so much in society and tv We've become desensitised to it. When it's not your norm anymore when you witness it I find it really hurtful, cruel and like both people have married a bully who knows all their tender spots to attack instead of protect.

Sorry, but to me that is bickering (or patronising). You could just put the dishes away yourself?

Sorry, but to me that is bickering (or patronising). You could just put the dishes away yourself?

Because I cooked dinner, it's how we do things in our house, the person who doesn't cook, clears up to make sure it's clear for the next meal. It probably sounds patronising, but it isn't, it's a perfectly lighthearted conversation we have mastered over the years, which we don't take the wrong way because we don't bicker or snipe. I appreciate if you're in a house with that kind of sniping that kind of conversation likely would be taken the wrong way.

A reverse example was my DH asking me not to park the car so far forward in the garage because it was blocking access to some cupboards. I don't use those cupboards so I hadn't clocked the space needed, I didn't feel patronised, he just explained something that was a bit annoying and why, now I park differently, he shouldn't have to re-park the car when he needs the cupboard, I shouldn't have to clear up after dinner when we have an agreement in place that keeps the admin load fair.

It's just part of living with other people, you're going to cause some inconveniences, usually because you don't realise, so explaining why something causes an inconvenience to you usually creates the empathy and understanding to stop doing it, rather than just sniping. It's all in the tone.