Should I ask my friend why we no longer see each other?

[Ghostedornot]

I have an old friend who I’ve been very close to since we were 18. In our 20s we would talk regularly on the phone, meet and go out together. We both are now in our 40s and it feels like we have drifted apart but I’m not sure why. The last time I saw her was summer 2023 and usually we would buy each other birthday gifts and gifts for our children but since that meet up she’s not initiated any meet ups although we’ve chatted on messenger. I’ve suggested a few times to meet up - once she cancelled and a few other times it’s difficult to pin a date down.

She still comments on my Facebook posts with lots of kisses/affection. I told her I miss her and it would be great to meet for a coffee. She immediately text back asking when I was free, life got in the way and it was 5 days til I could text back. She’s not responded since (November)

Should I confront her asking if everything is okay between us? If I have upset her? Or have we just naturally drifted apart? I feel very sad that this has happened. 😢

Well it took you 5 days to respond to her immediate response? Just text her back now. No need to confront. Or better, pick up the phone and have a chat!

I’m utterly rubbish at responding to texts! I have ADHD and I’m so useless at responding promptly to stuff. I’m old (ish) and treat texts a bit like letters ha ha.

It doesn't sound like you've done anything to upset her, more like the natural ebb and flow of a friendship. Maybe text her again, but be prepared for the friendship to stay more on the friendly messaging level for now.

Sometimes people are like this. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you but perhaps she's moved on a bit, or she's busy. If she really wanted to see you, you would have met by now. Sometimes the most obvious explanation is the truth.

There is nothing to confront her for. Just suggest meeting for lunch and a catch up, and this time don't ignore her message when she responds.

Also saying "I have ADHD and I treat message like letters because I'm in my 40s ha ha ha" is not good enough. You can do better than that.

Check your diary to see when you are free and send her text or better still ring her and ask her if she is free on X day it sounds like life has just got in the way.
I used to see my friend at least once a month but now we are both so busy she’s still got little ones where mine are young adults (near enough) but I work Monday to Friday and my DH is away Monday to Friday so weekends are precious to us so it’s not very often I will give up a Saturday or Sunday with my DH but my friend understands this and now we try to catch up every few months I still send cards for birthdays etc and we message when we can because life is just so busy.

I told her I miss her and it would be great to meet for a coffee. She immediately text back asking when I was free, life got in the way and it was 5 days til I could text back. She’s not responded since (November)

So you got exactly what you wanted, but then ignored her contact for five days? Well of course you’re going to drift apart if you don’t bother to respond.

Sorry op, this is on you. ADHD and being in your 40’s are shit excuses for not replying for 5 days after saying you miss her and her prompt reply. Do you see how your actions simply don’t align with your words? I’m guessing this isn’t the first time your actions don’t align with your words. I’d be done with someone who behaved like that all the time.

Message her with some times you can make @Ghostedornot , something like “I’m really sorry for my slow response last time - I’d love to meet up. I can do Tuesday anytime 10-3, Thursday blah blah” and give her some times so you can organise something immediately. If she cancels this time don’t bother again, let her get in touch.

Thats ADHD I'm afraid.
You can judge and be sneery but frankly .. is a dysregulation.
Its not an excuse.
Thats why people with ADHD struggle to maintain relationships/friendships.

No, it's not "ADHD". You still have a responsibility (and capacity) to make plans to be a functional and decent human being.

Well, I assume this has contributed to why you've drifted apart, surely? Especially if there's a pattern of her suggesting a coffee and you taking five days to reply. 'I have ADHD and I'm in my 40s' doesn't cut it as an excuse.

Five days to respond? It’s takes
seconds to respond to someone via text, I don’t buy the excuses you’ve given. I drifted away from someone after she’d message to arrange to meet up and then she’d always come back with a ridiculous long wait such as six weeks time just to meet for a coffee. I just couldn’t be bothered with it in the end.

Nope.
'Just try harder' doesn't work.

Some might but not all of us.

People like me actually cherish my friendships and I make sure I stay on top of them as they are important to me.

It's wrong to generalise whole bunch of people where personalities come into play.

If it was that important to the op to reply, then they could set a reminder to reply. I don't open messages until I'm able to reply, like when I'm at work so I don't forget and the notification is there. All important dates like birthday are in my calendar.

Op friendships require reciprocal attention.
If you are the out of sight, out of mind type then set reminders. Even reminders on phone calendar to text them each week to keep in touch. You can do it! It's easier than you think with modern gadgets like our phones.

As for this friendship, it does not sound like there is one anymore. I'd let it go and focus on your other friendships.

Sometimes it does or I would be out of a job!

It isn't our fault that we have the difficulties we do but that doesn't mean we can't utilise things around us to enable our lives to be easier.

What can you do about that?

It depends.
I can set all the reminders to reply in the world ... but then I'll just sit looking at my phone. Executive function has left the building...
I've let friendships drift due to not responding to text s and 'dropping off' /going awol.
Part of ADHD can be 'out of sight- out of mind'
Despite stuff like this... I have a very pressurised, fast paced, high paying job which I manage to perform well.
We are all different.

This. Its not hard to see why the friendship has drifted.

That was my point of course. I do recognise we are all different. But friendships are important to me. So I make sure that I am present for them as much as they are me. Its about treating people how I want to be treated.

immediately text back asking when I was free, life got in the way and it was 5 days til I could text back.

This is why. She probably regards you as a flake and has read enough threads and article encouraging her to move on if she feels she’s the one making most of the effort. Life getting in the way and ADHD isn’t an excuse. Unless you saw her text 5 days after she sent it you could at least have written ‘great!’ Or ‘let’s get some dates together’ - it takes seconds to do and shows you’re actually invested in the friendship. There’s a thread about an OP finally deciding to ‘drop the rope’ after taking a step back and old friends suddenly rushing to message her after silence for months/years. Sounds like you could be one of her friends.

Try harder to do better if you value her or any of your other friends.

Do you regularly ‘forget’ to message friends back due to your ‘ADHD’? Maybe if you made more effort she might bother with you a bit more. Sounds like she’s a bit fed with being messed around by you.

Maybe she’s had enough of dealing with this. If you can manage at work it suggests your friendship is less important

Disappointing but not entirely surprising to see NT people advising 'just try harder'
Do you tell people to just 'stop being diabetic/hypertensive/cancerous?
ADHD isn't an excuse. Its a fucking REASON. Its how your brain works.
Yes.. depending on the severity of your symptoms you can find work-arounds... but that doesn't always help and its fucking EXHAUSTING especially when its trivialised/minimised and frankly disbelieved.

I understand what you’re saying but surely OP can answer a text? If that’s the case how does anyone with ADHD work, answer emails, buy a house etc?…