Should I ask my friend why we no longer see each other?

[Ghostedornot]

I have an old friend who I’ve been very close to since we were 18. In our 20s we would talk regularly on the phone, meet and go out together. We both are now in our 40s and it feels like we have drifted apart but I’m not sure why. The last time I saw her was summer 2023 and usually we would buy each other birthday gifts and gifts for our children but since that meet up she’s not initiated any meet ups although we’ve chatted on messenger. I’ve suggested a few times to meet up - once she cancelled and a few other times it’s difficult to pin a date down.

She still comments on my Facebook posts with lots of kisses/affection. I told her I miss her and it would be great to meet for a coffee. She immediately text back asking when I was free, life got in the way and it was 5 days til I could text back. She’s not responded since (November)

Should I confront her asking if everything is okay between us? If I have upset her? Or have we just naturally drifted apart? I feel very sad that this has happened. 😢

Friendship is two way efforts though. Op suggest a date and time its up to her then..

I’m not NT and she should try harder if upsetting her friend is upsetting her - like loads of ppl have already said it’s easy to set reminders and be proactive. It’s called taking responsibility - or live with the fallout and don’t complain or wonder why.

To have a friend you need to be a friend.
Simples.
Just respond as soon as you read the message. It'll take seconds.
ADHD is not an excuse.

If she's still responding on Facebook with affection, then everything is ok between you.
There is no need at all for confrontation. She's done nothing wrong and it will make you look ridiculous.

Message her suggesting some times that you're free for meeting up and see if any suit her. Just take it from there. And respond to her message so she doesn't feel that you're keeping her hanging.

I don’t think people are telling OP as an overall life lesson that she needs to overcome ADHD by trying harder, I read it as people saying that friendships are a two way relationship and regardless of neurodivergence or mental health or ‘insert valid reasons here’, if one person feels like they are doing all the work or their efforts aren’t reciprocated or they aren’t valued then they may walk away. People are telling OP that they can see why the friend has moved on and that if she wants to be friends with this person then yes, she does need to make more of an effort. If that is something that is beyond her abilities then sadly this friendship will not last.
Understanding only gets you so far and neurodivergent people are not owed a friendship with a pass given for not behaving like a friend (in the eyes of the other person, be they ND or NT) due to their diagnosis. Plus you have no idea what is going on in someone else’s life - you may have ADHD which means you ghost people for days at a time. My sister was diagnosed with anxious avoidant personality disorder and has real issues with trust and abandonment. 5 days with no response would be a massive issue for her. OP and my sister would not be compatible as friends.

Yes to this. Friendships have to work for both people involved, and their communication styles and frequency need to be compatible. I'm not sure it particularly matters what causes them to be incompatible.

You're in your 40s, text messaging has been very common for the last 25 years and I doubt you've sent a letter in your life beyond childhood holiday penpals and thank you notes to elderly relatives in the 1990s.

When you read the message, reply to it. Don't make it two separate tasks. If you were having a conversation with someone and they spoke to you, you wouldn't walk off and then come back and reply five days later. You'd reply to what they said right away.

Even if you don't know your dates just yet, say "I'll have a look at my calendar - please remind me if you don't hear back because I definitely want to, I just get distracted easily and forget."

I’m not sure anyone is saying that, but whatever your difficulties you can’t expect the whole world to bend around you, you have to work out ways to manage your life!

Yes she’s probably fed up of you not responding to her.

You don't miss her that much then?? try again but you cant use the same ADHD excuse. I suspect this coffee will not happen. One of my friends has a terminal illness I would be gutted if I didn't keep in touch and hear the worst news after not replying for 5 days.

It does. And it's both harder and different. You make systems and use techniques and overall don't act like a helpless baby about it. ADHD patients can usually remember to do things they are personally highly motivated to do.

It seems really odd to be asking why your friendship has drifted while at the same time giving an example of where you've been unresponsive after she showed enthusiasm . Then excusing yourself rather than seeing it from her point of view. Maybe you can't send a text back quickly or things often drift due to ADHD but you either then need to make a plan to manage things differently or you need to understand how the other person feels and accept they might back off. I wonder how many times this has happened to your friend over the years. She is still responding to your posts etc so is doing what she can whilst also protecting herself from disappointment or making all the allowances and effort.

You are taking this too personally.

The OP said breezily “life got in the way”. Which was totally at odds with her post of needing to confront a friend on lack of effort. Only later did she clarify she has ADHD.

The OP got herself organised to send the message. Read the immediate reply. And then ignored it for 5 days. As the OP has a diagnosis of ADHD and is invested in this friendship, surely she could have engaged a coping mechanism of setting a reminder to reply. If she couldnt do that i would suggest that instead of confronting her friend she confronts her ADHD and gets a grip on managing that. Once she is on that and establishes coping strategies she has a better chance of saving friendships.

A lot of people with ADHD struggle massively with these kinds of things.

I tend to massively overthink my replies which can leave me in a state of paralysis when I comes to actually replying. I’m trying harder and just replying without overthinking my response to messages. I’ve had friends take a few days to respond to my messages and I never take it personally. I don’t think we should necessarily be obligated to respond immediately to a text message as people are busy/work/look after children etc.

I definitely wasn’t deliberately ignoring her as the messages were sent just before Christmas when things are v.busy anyway.

I will take on board all advice and will try to respond promptly to messages from now on, I will also send her another message with some dates in mind and try again 😊 It would be a shame to let the friendship slide completely as we’ve known each other for a long time. I will apologise for taking so long to respond too as she seemed very keen to meet up.

Do you tell people to just 'stop being diabetic/hypertensive/cancerous?

No, but I’d expect a diabetic to monitor their diet and take their medication.

I'm the same as you OP and my actions don't always reflect what's important to me. I have lots of friends but I don't do close or best friends because I can't trust myself to respond in the way required. Remembering to answer texts requires an elaborate system of alarms on my phone. But I am thankful for texts and WhatsApps because my real nemesis is the phone; making phone calls strikes fear into my heart; no visual clues!

I'm a sociable person but acting like a grown up who can split their attention and hop easily from task to task, it's exhausting. I hold down a responsible job but domestically and administratively I'm pretty useless. Does ADHD look like bad and uncaring behaviour - yes it can do. I'm 57 and I'm still working on this kind of thing.

You may well have appeared to blow hot and cold and she has just come to see you as flakey. It used to be worth explaining what the effects of ADHD are while apologising and promising to do better (and following through with the promise) but nowadays you're more likely to be attacked for it as the backlash is more ferocious than it was a few years ago. Outside anonymous forums I keep quiet about it and hope no one notices how hard I'm peddling to do the friendship maintenance tasks that are required.

I think you've got a good middle ground approach there.
It's not a criticism of you personally with ny suggestions, sometimes there maybe ways that you might not have even thought of and suggestions can be very helpful for us ADHDers.

I am late 30s and I've learned so much online on how to handle my ADHD symptoms, usually by short videos from ADHD content creators. Usually on Instagram.

As you know, we aren't a hive mind and do suffer stuff differently. However, if I don't keep on top of my life without external aids, my life is very stressful and I cannot cope with the fall out of me forgetting things.

My friendships are important to me and I have some really decent and genuine friends now. I feel it's important to me to check in with them as they do me. If I struggle to remember things, I need visual prompts. Are you the same? That's why my phone is a life saver to me. I have notifications on all my reminders 1 week, 1 day, 1 hour and ten minutes ahead. This is why I thought it could be beneficial for you. I also tend to put them in a time when I'm most likely free to do it.

I have to keep my laptop near my work bag or shoes, as I'd forget them if they aren't in my direct line of view.