Very anxious friends?

[Holluschickie]

If you have any, do you draw any boundaries with them?

As a broad piece of advice, the first step is accepting that you will likely displease them, upset them, or make them angry. You need to come to terms with that, and be willing to subject them to this in order to curb unhealthy behaviour. If you don't, you'll likely allow them to transgress boundaries again out of guilt.

Beyond that, you really need to provide a lot more detail as your post is far too vague.

Need more information to reply please OP.

Like friends who are anxious about taking an elevator or going on the Tube or flying. Do you humour them? Especially if you are travelling together or meeting up. I often feel exasperated at the level of preparation it takes simply because one friend won't take the Tube any more, one is afraid of flying etc etc.

There are other instances too. I don't want to spend ages ruminating over their health anxiety and discussing imaginary ailments. I have become quite intolerant as I get older. Is it bad to simply say " No, i don't want to talk about your supposed concussion any more. Go to A and E. Or don't because you are fine". Just draw a line.

These are all very old friends whom I don't want to drop. They have just got very anxious in their 40s and 50s.

Well I probably wouldn’t plan to travel with people who were anxious about those things!

Depends what you mean by anxious.

Anxious about leaving the house? Driving? Eating out? Travelling? Meeting new people?

i had a friend who was an anxious driver. Nothing wrong medically she is just scared of dual carriageways despite passing her test with no issues. Wanted me to drive 3hr roundtrip to hers all the time and wasn't prepared to drive to mine, or drive anywhere else to meet up. Wasn't prepared to admit this was the issue either.

I don't see her anymore. That was my boundary....

She lost another (mutual) friend over it too.

I don’t really have much patience for unnecessary anxiety tbh, if people are being over the top about not getting the tube/flying etc I’d stop inviting them places.

I have one friend who refuses to come into the city centre anymore, only wants to stay local, what she thinks might happen is beyond me, but I’ve stopped inviting her to meals/gigs/theatre trips etc, her loss.

My SIL won’t drive on the motorway, if we’re going somewhere involving a motorway journey she gets invited but it’s up to her if she comes, I used to pander to it but I can’t be bothered anymore.

I probably sound uncaring, but it’s quite exhausting if you try and work around all this stuff, I used to be more of a people pleaser then I got older!

Yes, I am scaling down travel and days out with them. And only doing stuff that is very easy.

I feel exhausted by it. At least one would be benefited by HRT, I think, but won't take it or even talk to the GP about it.

depends really, I have severe anxiety due to trauma

it means making extra preparations before doing some quite ‘ordinary’ things that I used to be completely fine with

and just not doing some things at all

I know this can be irritating for people who knew me before the main causative

some of those people I just don’t see anymore,

some understand why I need additional measures to feel safe

others I’ve just had to learn how to ignore their eyerolls because they really believe they would either be impervious to trauma or that it wouldn’t affect them as much

it’s not like I can cope with other people’s anxieties all the time so I understand the irritation

I find it comes down to how much it impacts the fun you have together, whether it is likely to change, and how long you are prepared to stick it out

some of the people I know that have limiting factors from health or trauma have stuck around me and viceversa because we support each other and make it work

eg being with me mitigates their physical health limitations and them accompanying me mitigates my anxiety of being out of the house

swings and roundabouts

there are a few people that I have to maintain contact with who are unpleasant about my anxieties as though it is a choice I make rather than trauma-induced

I try to avoid being in situations where I’ll incur that lack of understanding

I think it’s fine for you to say “I can do x with you but not y” if that allows you to maintain a friendship

or end a friendship altogether if you feel your irritation will bleed into every interaction

thankfully we aren’t usually forced to remain friends, we all can choose

(work and family might be less of a choice!)

I think I like the option of saying " I will meet you for a meal but not travel with you or do weekends away".
Slightly tougher to say " I don't want to talk about imaginary health issues. I just want to talk about fun things".

As someone who lives with terrible anxiety with really bad flare ups I suppose my opinion is what they’re going through (even if you think it’s self inflicted) is far worse than the inconvenience and tedium they put you through. Clinical anxiety, like clinical depression, ruins your experience of life. I suppose whether you want them around or not depends on how much you care about them

I don't think I want to travel with them any more, because the added expense of Ubers and hired cars is unsustainable for me, on top of the tedium.

It's not about caring. And caring goes both ways.

Gosh you sound like a terrible friend!! What makes you so high and mighty?

You really do sound uncaring - I hope you never experience anxiety in life and have your nearest and dearest not care about your health

If someone is actually clinically anxious then they are unlikely to be able to ignore their anxiety to make your life less of a hassle. It’s tedious, no doubt about it. I just pointed out that you either care enough about the person and will make allowances for this to keep them in your life, or you don’t.

Experience. And the difficulty/ expense of getting around London or out of London by Ubers or buses. Causing constant lateness for everything.

That's what makes me high and mighty.

Oh, also I have enough people to care for in my own home tbh. I think I have got to the stage where I don't want to be a carer for my friends, even those with clinical anxiety. Their own spouses are a bit fed up.

Anyway, the answer clearly is to just meet them in their homes or my home or for coffee. Nothing too adventurous.

Yeah, that’s my experience of it too. Constantly in the fight or flight mode as you watch the people closest to you lose patience and time with you. Then you’re just on your own in a battle with your brain. It’s horrendous and probably something to bear in mind. But you do have to have boundaries for your own sake too.

I'd encourage them to seek mental health help, especially if these were things they did previously.

Not being able to take the subway would be a huge block, it's how we mostly get around here.

I think it would really irritate me if I thought that they weren’t trying to overcome their anxieties. And I write as someone who has experienced anxiety.

It’s hard listening to someone who won’t or can’t seem to want to take any useful advice from anyone or change things for themselves. I think generally I just try to change the subject.

I think they are trying and seeking mental help, but it's quite hard.
And now they have become so used to it that it seems normal to them not to take the Tube or drive or fly or travel alone.
These are women who used to travel alone around the world and do all kinds of exciting things. I feel a bit sad about it.

I can see how talk around health concerns is a trickier issue to navigate, still possible with a close friend I would hope

a friend I think highly of was totally understanding when I had to shut down a certain topic of conversation

she was also close enough to prod around the edges of that boundary from time to time later on

that was useful in keeping the boundary flexible and not having it harden into an unmovable barrier that would close off an aspect of life to me completely (not her responsibility to do ofc but was ok within our relationship)

I can see why PP thinks you sound uncaring but I also know that having to work around other people’s issues can be exhausting so it’s not uncaring to recognise the effect it’s having on you

the ‘it’s worse for the person with the issues’ is true in many ways but we can also appreciate that if a person does not have those issues but is still being subjected to the negative effects that is going to be extremely frustrating

I’ve travelled abroad alone loads, atm it’s beyond me, and no-one feels sadder about that than me but I’m not stopping anyone else travelling (nor insisting they travel to me) anymore than I’d want them forcing me to travel before I’m ready

maybe step back from travelling with them but leave the option to join you open if they can make their own way there?

if they are working on tackling their anxieties that might give them an option to challenge themselves without making their issues your responsibility to solve

I've got GAD and autism and I've spent my life doing things that cause huge anxiety. I'm now a bit of a burnt out mess with awful stomach issues. I've never really asked for much help but I'm realising that I need to start doing so. I'm currently still in a situation where I have to drive on motorways every few weeks and I spend a whole week stressing and worrying. It may seem pathetic to other people but I really have tried pushing myself and the only thing it's done is to make me even more physically and mentally unwell. I also have health anxiety which is far worse when I'm already in fight/flight because of the driving.

I’ve experienced making myself utterly exhausted and depressed by trying to please too many people for too long, being caring and understanding works both ways.

As someone who was in treatment for years...my thoughts are, it shouldn't be impacting you, especially with costs. Are you expected to escort the nervous friends?

I mostly didn't tell anyone unless I really had to, which was really family and best friend only.

anxiety as an excuse for lateness would always annoy me.

I have left London and avoid going in as much as possible. But if I could afford to cab there, and was going with someone happy to use the train, I'd never expect them to pay half, which it sounds like you're doing @Holluschickie ?

Generally, if I am with someone and feeling anxious, I don't say anything. I mostly go everywhere alone anyway so the presence of a friend is a chance to chat about nice things and just enjoy really.

. I suspect you'd be fine to support your friends ....but they're taking the mick?

if it's any consolation, I find the world really odd atm. After having anxiety and depression for years and hiding it - which helped as I think it helped me lead a normal life - it seems that now loads of people have it, but want to talk about it. And after making great progress, I have to be careful that the prevailing atmosphere doesn't make me feel bad. It's a v odd sensation.

Sounds a bit like menopausal "drop the ropitis". I have this and have stopped picking up unnecessary burdens or worrying about minor things, my patience with others has waned considerably as well.

I am happy to support someone with genuine concerns- and because of my age there is always a lot of sick DPs and things happening to allegedly adult age DCs - but very little patience for those who refuse to help themselves.