Very anxious friends?

[Holluschickie]

If you have any, do you draw any boundaries with them?

@EmeraldRoulette I am not exactly expected to escort but if we are all going somewhere, it's a bit odd to suddenly say " Ok I am taking the Tube and you take a cab". Or if we are all flying somewhere.
@rookiemere dropping the rope is exactly right. I have spent nearly a decade listening to one school friend claiming she has concussion. No doctor has ever found anything wrong with her.
But I now have my own 80-year-old mum to take care of, who has real health issues.
I am just going to start saying:
Sorry, I don't want to talk about your concussion.
Sorry, I can't take a cab.
Sorry, we are not travel compatible.

@Holluschickie do you object to the cab if the person needing it is paying for it? Not a criticism, just a question.

This sudden loss of confidence is something so common in women in their 50s and menopausal. Anxiety hit me like a train and I'd never been an anxious person before in my life.

But you have a choice - either accept the anxiety and that your life is going to shrink and you are not going to do the things you previously enjoyed, or think fuck that, and force yourself to continue flying/getting the tube/driving whatever, because you're 50 odd, not 90 odd, and there's a lot of life still to be lived.

HRT has helped me a lot but all the patches/gel in the world is not going to rid you of a negative mindset.

@EmeraldRoulette well maybe but cabs just take so long these days in London traffic! The whole faff and drama around travel, food, health, exhausts me. Am sure it is even more exhausting for them but I can do something about it.

I would love to travel in luxury and comfort instead of horrid tubes and buses but nobody o
in my circle would accept paying more out of principle and good old British tight arsedness so that anxiety is something I'd be fine about. The health anxiety is tedious and makes me spiral and start googling.

Friendships are a faff and you do need to compromise to have people around you. Everyone has annoying habits, do you want to be lonely?!

I won't be lonely. I will just not travel with them. I travel solo a lot and am never lonely. Or with DH or DD.

I can't be friends with anyone with anxiety because I just can't cope with it.

@Holluschickie for the friend with the supposed concussion you could try another tack.

When she starts talking about it say "Oh my gosh it's been so long, I'm so worried about you, you should go to your doctor." Repeat this for as long as she keeps talking about it. If she brings up her symptoms "Oh my gosh that sounds worrying, I'm no medical professional, you need to be telling a doctor this." Repeat ad infinitum if she brings up more symptoms. At the end of your get together " Now I simply refuse to see you again until you've been to a doctor with all your strange and worrying symptoms."

If it is something serious, you may indeed have prompted her to go to her GP, if it isn't she may be reluctant to meet you again and mention it because she knows what response she will get.

I'm sure a lot of your friends can't cope with it either but they don't have a choice!

I think it’s a menopausal phase a lot of the time. And for most it passes. Absolutely horrible for those going through it. But eventually things get better. I’d ride out the storm for an old friend.

I told one friend I didn’t want to make any more plans after they constantly either cancelled or made the whole meet up to suit them.

The final straw was when they cancelled elaborate plans that they had made months in advance and then had went on and on about it. It was the night before and I was just done.
It was happening too regular and the times we did meet up they would rush through whatever it was and want to be out of there at lightening speed. Nothing was enjoyable.

I've had anxiety all my life and mostly been able to push on through.
In recent years the anxiety has become a lot worse, even with medication and cbt it is very very hard.
Mostly meet friends at home, for a walk or somewhere quiet/local. But I prefer the quiet life.
I think a friend who drops someone because of their anxiety is not really a friend in the first place so better off without them.

I know plenty of people in their 40's and 50's (heck, I even used to be one), and haven't come across this anxiety onset issue in my friendship group. Maybe you're just unlucky.

Why is menopause being thrown around as an excuse for literally everything?

In my friends case they are only in their early 30s and they’ve been this way for the 20 years I’ve known them. Some are even men!

They make their world so small and regimented that it’s causing them even more anxiety. Travel is mentioned as an issue - one of my friends has never even been on a bus or train and absolutely refuses to go anywhere without their car as it’s their escape route. Maybe if they tried doing something new it wouldn’t be so bloody hard.

The friend with health anxiety has been that way since her 20s but it has got worse in the last decade. She is also now at the point where she is scared of flying, the Tube, and theatre seats in first or second circle ( heights). She used to drive but now doesn't. She is in therapy but it doesn't appear to be working. So every thing we do is coloured with anxiety.

@Chilliflakes14 As I pointed out, I am not dropping them.I am merely going to meet them in their houses and do quiet things. As you say, you prefer yourself. Just drawing a boundary.

I have a friend like this and I have distanced myself. She is afraid of everything. Dogs in parks , wild cats (!!), strange places, she thinks if she doesn’t hear from her adult sons every day something terrible has happened. She behaves rudely in public places and looks around as if someone is going to snipe at her from the rooftops. I find it utterly depressing. I do feel sorry for her, but I find her company brings me down. She won’t admit she has a problem either. Her world is very small and very dull, but she doesn’t do much to widen it . If I talk about an interest in wild swimming she talks about the dangers of dying of a heart attack. She doesn’t read, she gets all her info from the Daily Mail. I have tried to extricate myself but it’s hard.

My friends are all generally confident, un-anxious peoole, who have their issues, but deal with them themselves. I have one very close friend who is absolutely terrified of dogs, and I’m fine with avoiding them if I’m out walking with her, though it has occasionally involved significant detours from loose farm dogs in rural areas. An acquaintance who might have become a friend in other circumstances, who had the habit of phoning people up in tears after every meeting, asking whether she’d done something to annoy them, I had to drop.

It really depends on whether this is a real friendship or not. I have GAD and avoid driving at night. I do not make friends give me lifts but if they offer, I accept. I still think I am a good friend. I have listened to many, many hours of friends confiding problems to me and hope to have given a friendly ear. Friendship is not just about having fun. I also do not talk to my friends about my anxiety - that is not fun for anyone.

That's great.
I am sure you have plenty of other friends that you can do things with like the theatre and fly abroad.
With your anxious friend you can meet her at home or for a walk etc
I am sure she does not want to be so anxious and is obviously trying to overcome it with therapy etc. If you had a friend with a broken leg you would not bring her on an activity which involved a lot of walking. Anxiety is an invisible disability and because of this people can be very dismissive but it is increadibly difficult.

I do have other friends. It's just telling my friends I don't want to do these things any more. Because they still want to do them, just on their own terms.

I think I am just going to be very frank and say " No, we are not travel compatible any more". Or " No, sorry my budget does not allow for £ 120 stalls tickets.". Their own spouses have begun travelling separately from them, so I am sure it's ok for me to do so.

@Holluschickie taxis and expensive theatre tickets?

are you sure the anxiety isn't just an excuse for these people? Maybe that's just the way they want to do things?

I used to have an acquaintance who suggested we go to see things together but she could afford the pricier tickets whereas I couldn't. Her answer to that was for us to attend together but sit separately. I realised she wouldn't go alone and just wanted someone to tag along.

The boundaries you suggest re cabs and theatre prices are fine.

I have a friend like this but she'd never admit that she has a problem. She seems to think everyone else (without her fears) are just crazy risk takers. She's afraid of a lot - driving, cats, dogs, "strange" people . She makes sure she sits end of rows (planes, concerts etc) to avoid sitting next to strangers. She is fiercely protective of her dcs, they are not allowed play dates or babysitters or any form of childcare apart from her dm and dmil. Her and dh hold their dcs back from everything to the point that they are quite anxious too. Anything perceived as dangerous such as cycling is avoided. She's terrified of being scammed also and just lives such a boring , sheltered life. Doesn't like mixing with new people. Quite sad really. I just don't really want to be around them anymore tbh. Too many rules and regulations involved!

Also she is obsessed with her health and is a complete hypochondriac . Same with dcs, takes them to A&E for very minor issues. If one of them falls at the park she gets extremely distressed and goes home. The children will never learn to be robust. It must be awful feeling anxious all the time bit at the same time she doesn't help herself either.

@Holluschickie You really could be me. I wish I'd found this thread before starting my own. Reading through yours, I'm going to get a lot firmer with the two miserable anxious people in my life. The friend I visited yesterday, who didn't stop talking in a panicky fashion for three hours, is anxious that her partner of 20+ years will leave her because he's finding it all very difficult. I think I was supposed to say that of course he wouldn't, but frankly I wouldn't blame him. I was exhausted (I notice you use that word several times, @Holluschickie ) after going round for a cup of tea and a natter. The constant fussiness and negativity leaves me feeling drained.