Do I really have to be close with MIL?

[AmberPoet]

In all honesty, my MIL drives me up the wall, and I think I've decided it's because we are just not really that compatible as people (I've tried for the past 7.5 years). There have been moments in the past where she has said some bad things about me behind my back to my now husband, and tried to break us up, but I'd still go around with a smile on my face and a bunch of flowers for her to be the bigger person. But I don't know whether that has just built resentment. Anyway, nowadays, she acts as though she wants me to be her best friend. Especially now I'm pregnant. But I feel as though she wants to be so involved in our lives it's irking me out a bit. She doesn't have any friends and she doesn't talk to a lot of family (she has burnt a lot of bridges). So we are her main focus. Her daughter doesnt speak to her much, so I think she's expecting me to fill that role. But it feels forced, and so I feel like naturally I am retracting. At Christmas, I thanked her for washing the dishes after I had cooked dinner for everyone. She said "dont worry you can look after me when im older". It makes me feel as though there is an expectation of me which I am not comfortable with. I want her to have a good relationship with my husband, and daughter, but I don't feel like I want to be as close.
I am going on maternity leave soon, and she is also retiring so I feel as though she is going to demand more of my time. How can I keep an okay relationship at an arms length distance? And how can I lower her expectations of me?

Just step back. If she wants to come over, have other plans. When she says you can look after her when he’s older, just say, “you’ll be going in to care home, Mavis” 😂

Absolutely not and it took me nearly a decade to learn so don't make the same mistake, the freedom is wonderful!

It’s just a case of asserting your boundaries and not letting her cross them. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to and that’s also a good lesson for your children.

Absolutely not. Just rebuff or not reply to requests for your time and attention. Give each on your terms. Treat her as you would any other person who might treat you the way she does. You chose your DH, not his mother.

I had 20'years of feeling low and under pressure I have taken a step back recently and don't regret it

I got on a lot better with my MIL when I stopped making an effort.

Her power depends on you always thinking you have to suppress what you really think and give way to her.

As soon as you treat her like any other adult it's liberating.

Ah, so she's being all nicey nicey now you are soon to provide her with a grandchild...

Not that I'm a cynic or anything.

You get to choose how much (or little) you have to do with her and her expectations are only one small aspect of that.

I am civil and polite with my MIL mostly for the benefit of DH but her actions over the years have well and truly killed any chance of a close relationship. Just be polite and keep your distance. It might be hard getting the boundaries in place but just remember you are quite entitled to do that.

Just take a step back and leave it to DH. She has had nearly 8 years to make an effort. I took a step back when I went back to work full time, we are fine when we occasionally see each other but I don't initiate contact now.

My own MIL is like a more evil version of this, who will not let go of her son. I’ve tried various ways of dealing with the situation. Current method: nice as pie to her face, but pull away and have excuses to not see her as much.

Let your husband know that the day she moves in is the day you move out.

Retiring when you're going on maternity leave would be a big red flag. Does your husband set and keep boundaries with her?

It almost sounds like since she has no friends and little social life she's going to expect you to provide that and more for her. Her expectations are unreasonable. You will be busy with your new baby and your husband is going to have to set a boundary that she's going to see you less than before the baby, not more. She's not going to be spending her days at your place. You and the baby are not her new hobby.

This has been my biggest concern, and I have expressed to my husband that I may spend a day here or there with her, but she can't expect to be coming around 24/7.

How far from you does she live? is she likely to 'pop in' unannounced? keep the door locked, and if she does it once ask her to message first next time. Put your boundaries in now

Sometimes DH discusses boundaries, but mostly only when I've been pushed over the edge

Sorry, phone issue.

Let him know you needyour pregnancy and post partum and maternity leave to be a peaceful time. His mother stresses you out so she can only come over when invited.

He deals with her, not you.

I went from being ‘that Southern slut’ to the Virgin Mary when I was pregnant with the messiah granddaughter.

Amazing the transformation when you’re suddenly the potential gatekeeper to a grandchild.

Yes she lives a 5 min drive away. She has "popped in" unannounced in the past, even when we have said no to her. I was in the middle of exams at that point, trying to study in peace, so I made it very clear that she had over stepped the boundaries. Also, when she comes to "drop something off", she's here for 2 hours, maybe more. It drives me NUTS.

the retirement thing is certainly worrying. If she does ‘pop round’ it would be worth you saying ‘oh sorry shame you didn’t message first I’m just off out to meet my friend, bye!’ then actually going out

Maybe she has realised that if she wants a good relationship with her grandchildren she is going to have to make more effort to get along with you. You can set your own boundaries and you will have to be firm - maybe set a regular day for you to pop round or have her over for lunch. Don't feel bad about saying no when it isn't convenient to see her. Encourage her to take up some new hobbies and/or volunteering in her retirement.

If she has keys, remove them asap. Lose yours, have the locks changed or whatever it takes.
Dropping in unannounced. Stand in the doorway or don't answer the door at all at least until maternity leave starts
Disconnect the doorbell - so as not to wake the baby. She'll need to message you in advance.
Put a tracker on her phone - set an alert if she comes within 500 metres so you can hide. Start parking your car down the street [joking, sort of]

But yes, I also went from barely tolerated to the favourite child when pregnant. BIL is still resentful and shitty two children later. Isn't really making the connection that I now come after the grandchildren :) MIL and my relationship is much better but certainly not close. She adores the kids and is very capable and hands on, even if not always the approach I would take. Both DH and I work full time and it's a godsend having someone who can step in, in an emergency, when we both have to be late with work or also to take on the ridiculous primary school expectations that you can attend harvest festivals, science days and other minutiae at the drop of a hat as a working parent. So we have a good working relationship and I would say that as irritating as she probably is now, if she's not a toxic pain in the ass, draw some firm boundaries but it is possible to have a perfectly good relationship but not feel like she wants to start brushing your hair.

You get to choose. I tried really hard, but now I totally choose when, where, etc! As for looking after her, just say ''Oh that will be down to.....(Insert husband's name), if you even need it and laugh it off.

If she turns up unannounced, answer the door wearing your coat and tell her you're on your way out.

The fact that her own flesh and blood daughter doesn't have much to do with her speaks volumes.

Do NOT become the de facto carer for her. That is up to her own adult children. It's her DH and DD should step up.

Make sure you have boundaries (and that your DH doesn't indirectly plan stuff for you to do with his mother while you're on Maternity Leave) and make sure you stick to them.

Only share information with her that you'd be happy to have sky written. Don't over share with her and don't drop into conversation what your plans are for the day/week/month unless you want to have her tagging along.

I'm not anti-MiL - I am against presumptuous women assuming that other women will, without question, welcome them with open arms and in later years will look after them. Such presumptuous women.

I'd make it very clear to her that you're not going to be open to her dropping around when you're on maternity leave.

Do you have a video doorbell? If you don't, and you own your property, consider getting one. You can adjust the volume and still respond to people ringing the bell. You could answer the bell and make out that you're out for a walk (even though you might be upstairs having a nap), she won't know, or say that the baby is down for a nap and can she come back when your DH is at home? Make her HIS problem - when he gets home, you hand over to him and you dash upstairs for a quick shower and hairwash so you don't have to deal with her.
Maybe if she does become HIS issue to sort out, he'll put in place firm boundaries.

Tell her you're moving to Australia if she doesn't stop annoying you?