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Original poster

Female friend? Advice

45 replies

alexis97 · 22/01/2025 10:52

Hi everyone, I'm married and have been with OP for 5 years. We had the most brilliant relationship until he left his job in the army and went to the prison service.

He has a female friend he works with who I have never really been fond of due to things I hear but I have never interfered because it's my husbands friendship and I'm not that wife. I've always been very respectful to female friends.

This female friend confided a lot in my husband when her relationship was crumbling and eventually came to an end. She's been absent from work for a little while.

Long story short I lost my phone in the house. Our 1 year old loves to hide my phone so I assumed he had put it somewhere. I let him know I was going to call my phone with his, I then opened his phone to his chat with her, no previous messages and a message from him to her "I really miss you and can't wait to see you" I obviously was miffed, I asked why this came about and he said he'd spoke to her on the phone on his way home she called him. So I looked on his call logs and he deleted the call history, so yet again pressed him and he said he knows I'm not fond of her and doesn't want me to get upset if I seen it which makes no sense because I seen the message before he had chance to delete it. and that he does miss his friend and it's lonely at work without her. I pressed again and he said he didn't know why he did it. I'm obviously upset because if he's deleting things so I don't see them what else is he hiding? I don't know what to do we have 2 children. I've gave this man so much love and support. I'm at the end of my rope.

OP posts:
Original poster
alexis97 · 22/01/2025 11:05

OP should say DH it's been a long night I haven't slept

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 22/01/2025 12:03

It doesn’t look good, does it? Even though he knows you aren’t her biggest fan, if you haven’t actually said you don’t want them messaging each other it seems odd for him to assume platonic messages would piss you off. Then of course there’s the question of why he would be messaging rather than only talking when they are at work, if he really thinks you really wouldn’t want him to. That’s a bit “fuck you” I think.

He is already making his (shady) behaviour your fault. The wording of her text, to me, was very much more like a girlfriend than a mate. I would expect a friend to say something like “It’s been ages, looking forward to catching up.”

I hope he’s not cheating, but it fits the pattern.

TipsyJoker · 22/01/2025 12:37

He’s having an affair with her.

Sjh15 · 26/01/2025 10:48

No chance I’d be anywhere near ok if my DP sent that to anyone. That’s the sort of message he’d send me when we were getting together

Frugalgal · 26/01/2025 10:52

He is having absolutely an affair with her. His excuses are so lame they are an insult to you.

1989whome · 26/01/2025 11:00

It's makes no sense because he's gas lighting you. Sounds like typical cheater behaviour. I personally can not stand cheaters. It's not just the act it's self, it's the.lies and secret that go with it. Also the fact they make out the partner is crazy for questioning them. It's deplorable tbh. You know what he's done, in your gut you know. So act accordingly, get his ass out!! You can't trust a liar, ever.

KmcK87 · 26/01/2025 11:02

Yet another case of a man having an affair with a woman he works with he claims is “just a friend”.

You don’t ever win any prizes for being the cool laid back wife, any new intense friendships your husband makes with another women will always be dodgy.

Lavalampsarehot · 26/01/2025 11:03

There’s another thread on here about men and women being friends at work and texting.

If work is toxic and lonely - he may have crossed the boundary and declared he misses her. It doesn’t necessarily mean cheating. But he mustn’t let that emotional attachment grow.

You guys need to sit down and have a chat. He needs to be accountable for crossing the line and then you need to choose whether you can heal together.

Personally, I have been the one to text “I miss you” to a male colleague simply because work was so bloody awful (tribunals, bullying and redundancies)…I’ve since realised this crosses a million boundaries and I’ll never do it again. I talked to my DH about it in depth and I acknowledged that it wasn’t acceptable.

Don’t jump to conclusions. But make sure your DH acknowledges it and takes accountability

Lavalampsarehot · 26/01/2025 11:07

But also there’s no excuse for cheating if that’s what you suspect. Hope you’re ok OP

Rosieposiecosy · 26/01/2025 11:07

The I miss you is one thing, the I can’t wait to see you another. Either an affair, or the friendship is heading that way.

However, for me the thing that confirms it is likely an affair, is the fact they are such old friends and yet there are no previous messages, he is deleting everthing, and that is NOT innocent. If there was nothing to hide, they wouldn’t be deleted.

SunnySideUK77 · 26/01/2025 11:11

Lavalampsarehot · 26/01/2025 11:03

There’s another thread on here about men and women being friends at work and texting.

If work is toxic and lonely - he may have crossed the boundary and declared he misses her. It doesn’t necessarily mean cheating. But he mustn’t let that emotional attachment grow.

You guys need to sit down and have a chat. He needs to be accountable for crossing the line and then you need to choose whether you can heal together.

Personally, I have been the one to text “I miss you” to a male colleague simply because work was so bloody awful (tribunals, bullying and redundancies)…I’ve since realised this crosses a million boundaries and I’ll never do it again. I talked to my DH about it in depth and I acknowledged that it wasn’t acceptable.

Don’t jump to conclusions. But make sure your DH acknowledges it and takes accountability

This is sensible advice

Private1980 · 26/01/2025 11:14

He's cheating hun don't let him make you feel like your losing it

Mumlaplomb · 26/01/2025 11:16

Deleting messages is not a good sign. Blaming you for the shady behaviour is also not a good sign. I think you can either have a tough chat regarding boundaries and ask him to stop messaging her outside of work and reign this in, or say nothing, act chill and unfortunately keep an eye on his phone over the next few weeks.

AmandaHoldensLips · 26/01/2025 11:17

I'd be phoning her (or even turning up on the doorstep) and asking her what the hell she thinks she's doing with your husband.

Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know. And so will his.

Rosieposiecosy · 26/01/2025 11:18

Rosieposiecosy · 26/01/2025 11:07

The I miss you is one thing, the I can’t wait to see you another. Either an affair, or the friendship is heading that way.

However, for me the thing that confirms it is likely an affair, is the fact they are such old friends and yet there are no previous messages, he is deleting everthing, and that is NOT innocent. If there was nothing to hide, they wouldn’t be deleted.

Sorry I meant to say, such good friends

Swiftie1878 · 26/01/2025 12:58

AmandaHoldensLips · 26/01/2025 11:17

I'd be phoning her (or even turning up on the doorstep) and asking her what the hell she thinks she's doing with your husband.

Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know. And so will his.

Hold on! What has she done wrong in this scenario? She does NOT deserve to be door stepped based on what the OP knows so far.

Sounds like he’s cheating. You have a marriage, so it deserves a conversation before you decide what to do, but bear in mind what PPs have said - deleting innocent exchanges is NOT normal, blaming YOU for his shadiness is NOT right, don’t let him gaslight you.

GingerGirl4549 · 26/01/2025 13:08

I normally read these and think people always jump to he's a cheater, leave him. But I do actually think he's cheating. You don't delete unless you're hiding and you don't say things like that to someone you're just friends with.

Widower2014 · 26/01/2025 13:27

Either ask him or don't.
I miss people I used to work with, doesn't mean I'm sleeping with them

pimplebum · 26/01/2025 13:33

I’d be temped to contact her preferably face to face and make out you know what going in and you want to know how long etc

if it is all innocent all you have done is make a fool of yourself with someone you don’t like and warned her off

personally I’d take that risk

UltraHorse · 26/01/2025 13:36

Ask him it's sad you are going through this If he's cheating let him go there are better people out there

Canonlythinkofthisone · 26/01/2025 13:39

I have a male work friend. We get on very well and have friendly chats, exchange pics of what we're doing, what the kids are doing, what the dogs doing, etc
I've absolutely no reason to delete the messages, any more than I would a conversation with one of my female friends.
Shady as and I'd be asking more questions in your shoes. Sorry

nocreepypaper · 26/01/2025 13:43

While deleting his history doesn't look great, I dont think it matters if he's cheating or not.

I have no problem with opposite sex friendships so lying about them either means there's something to hide, or it means my partner is a coward who will lie in order to carry on doing whatever he wants while suspecting I wouldn't be happy about it - without respecting me enough to find out if that's the case.

Even if it's genuinely a friendship, and he's only hiding his communication with this woman because he thought you'd be uncomfortable with it, he's prioritising his desire for a connection with her over honesty, trust, and your security in the relationship.

It's a deal breaker for me because that kind of selfish cowardice isn't attractive, and because trust is important and this would demonstrate an easy willingness to lie. I'm sure others have different boundaries, but this is one of mine.

Collette78 · 26/01/2025 13:54

nocreepypaper · 26/01/2025 13:43

While deleting his history doesn't look great, I dont think it matters if he's cheating or not.

I have no problem with opposite sex friendships so lying about them either means there's something to hide, or it means my partner is a coward who will lie in order to carry on doing whatever he wants while suspecting I wouldn't be happy about it - without respecting me enough to find out if that's the case.

Even if it's genuinely a friendship, and he's only hiding his communication with this woman because he thought you'd be uncomfortable with it, he's prioritising his desire for a connection with her over honesty, trust, and your security in the relationship.

It's a deal breaker for me because that kind of selfish cowardice isn't attractive, and because trust is important and this would demonstrate an easy willingness to lie. I'm sure others have different boundaries, but this is one of mine.

Agree 👍

emmypa · 26/01/2025 13:58

Your DH is totally out of order OP. There's a lot more to this relationship than he wants you to know. You tell him he's to end this "friendship" immediately and his reaction should speak volumes.

LastOfTheWinterWine · 26/01/2025 14:05

My husband had an emotional affair that progressed to facetime mastibating with his work friend. He was addicted to pornography & started to drink more than usual.
He withdrew from family life, ignored the kids, & me, left me with all of the daily grind.

Talk to him (calm/gently/ no judgement) google emotional affair send him the info on emotional affairs to read. It's easy to fall into one, if he has to hid e the texts then they are probably already in one. It is cheating. If you are lucky you can use it to reset you relationship, make time for each other, talk, laugh & have fun. You were once each other's best friends, do you remember how exciting & buzzing it was?? Do you remember how attractive each other were & you could hardly keep your clothes on??

We all know it is hard living day to day family lufe and the buzz they get from the texts & sneeky work contact is exciting. He needs to know it's not real & she shits & complains like everyone else and is very possible playing up the 'poor me, I'm so sad an need help' for sympathy & to make him feel masculine & strong.

I wish I had understood 'emotional affair' rather than trying to be the cool non threatened wife.
It dosent take long for the boundaries to be crossed & it takes year & years to recover.

I will never know if it would have stopped them or if they would have ignored it and gone with the dopamine hit of lust.
We are still together 2 years on, I am effected everyday and my love for him will never be the same. Saying that we have reset the physical side is truly excellent again & I look forward to the texts we send each other during the day.

He failed to support me when I needed him most, and chose to listen to amother woman complaing about her husband. it's not an attractive quality. He says he wants to be a better father, husband, man for all of us & himself.

I am in a strictly 50/50 relationship now, the sex is better, I am fitter and mentally stronger, I have so much free time. I can walk away if needed.

Well done if you managed to read all of that. He has a choice & so do you x

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