I had an abortion and he left me

[Chaoticgarden]

A while back I posted about being pregnant and was really struggling to decide whether to keep the baby or not. Because i'm 40, this has been a heartwrenching decision for me and a lot of tears have been shed, but in the end I decided to go for a termination.

The experience of having a termination was one of the most painful and traumatic experiences i've ever had, the pain was so intense I had to call an ambulance. I'm now recovering from it. Prior to that I spent 3 weeks in a complete panic over what I should do.

The father of the child was trying to encourage me to go through with the pregnancy pretty much constantly, it was impossible to have an impartial discussion with him, he was just completely sure that we were going to be able to do this. I am sure he is right but some of my reasons for not going through with it were as follows:

I have only been officially dating him for 4 months, I was seeing him before that and it took him two months of sleeping with me to ask me out.

In the time I've been dating him he's never introduced me to his mother or even taken me out on a date - it actually became a point of contention and I eventually had to outright ask him to.

He lives at home with his mother and is 40. He's been in this country for a year after moving from another country so I understand he's getting back on his feet, but he earns half what I do and has no savings and no assets.

In the end I felt like his frequent declarations of love just really weren't backed up with anything solid, and I couldn't risk upheaving my entire life to have his child. I felt that me having his baby wasn't because he loved me and wanted to be with me, I felt like it was a way of him getting a life upgrade, while I would have been sat at home with a baby and he could go to work as normal. Because I earn so much more, I realised how much of an impact this would have on my independence. I live in a house share at the moment because I'm still selling the house from my previous relationship which was abusive and which I had to leave.

I didn't feel like I could rely on this guy who I barely knew, despite him saying he'd marry me there is no law that says he has to do that, and no law that says he couldn't leave when things got hard. I just couldn't risk it. I am devastated. I am sure I would have been able to do it on my own but he was so hell bent on having the child that there is no way he wouldn't have hounded me and I did not want to be in a coparenting situation - I wanted a family.

After my termination he basically turned on me, told me his mother is devastated and her health has taken a turn for the worse, that I am selfish for asking for support, and that I am "pushing him for answers" on the future of our relationship. He said we're not broken up but he "needs space". He told me several times he wouldn't judge me whatever decision I made. He has text me asking how my day was but I don't get much more than that, when I've said my day is fine he's told me i'm being short with him and that asking what's going on is being aggressive and harsh.
I'm also selfish for not asking after his mother and I'm a narcissist because I am making everything about myself.

I realise that I should never have dated this man in the first place, this whole thing was an accident but I am just completely gobsmacked by his cold behaviour towards me after the termination. It was a bit like he expected me to give him a baby, he already has one in another country that he does not see because the mother apparently got pregnant and then ran off and refused to let him have any involvement in it.

He's seemed really nice and very kind (as long as it's free) but his sudden change of tune is apparently all my fault? I was not a very nice person during the pregnancy because I felt under immense pressure and stress, I barely ate or slept and cried constantly, so maybe that is why? I don't know.

I replied to his text asking to see me this evening and said "I've already got my answers over the past couple of days".
He has flipped out at me saying "this is what i'm talking about with you, all I needed was some time to clear my head".

He never told me he needed to clear his head and I have not been banging his door down begging for him to speak to me. I simply asked if we could talk and he said yes, after work. It then turned out he expected me to text him about it. Now he expects me to be free this evening to see him to discuss it.

I cannot imagine with his attitude towards me that anything he has to say to me will be positive and it will only leave me even more hurt and broken. I know what will happen and I will end up sitting and justifying myself to him about why I have made the choice i've made. I am not going to do that. I know why I chose this.

He finished his message with "well if that's your decision then fine" and I see no need to say anything further. I feel like with guys like this, the more you say and try to plead your case, the more they go off at you and think they have got control of you and I have already been down that path once, I will NOT be doing it again.

How do your mum and sister feel about it? Are they speaking to you now that you've terminated?

My mum has never got back in touch with me again.
My sister has been very supportive.

His mum feeling upset is no-one's "fault". When I'm upset, it's usually my mum I'd usually talk to about it. She's had a natural reaction to the news - people won't always feel the way you want them to.

Was it nice of him to tell you about how his mum felt? Possibly not. But it sounds as though he is himself very upset and lashing out. Not good. But in reality, a very common thing people do when they're distraught. Sounds like he doesn't feel he "owes" you, tip-toeing round you and going out of his way to save your feelings. Which you don't like. But as others have said, there's not much you can do to change this, other than not being with him.

The crux of all of this, is that you feel a man you have been dating for four months, owes you support and kindness, as you recover from a termination that he didn't want you to have. He disagrees. You both have valid viewpoints.

I think you need to block him. Every time he's contacting you, it's making you stressed and unhappy. You don't need this right now.

Big un-MN hugs from me. You've made a really hard, really brave decision and you've been through a lot already, physically and emotionally. Please look after yourself by not letting anyone stress you out even more. He's obviously a wrong un - even I can tell that and I've never met the guy.

Sorry to hear about your mum, although glad to hear that things withbyour sister are better. Are you still planning on moving out ASAP, or has that changed with your new circumstances?
Sorry that this guy let you down.

Echoing everyone else you are well shot of this man. I didn't read your previous thread, so apologies if this was covered there - but do you think he may have deliberately tried to get you pregnant? It very, very much sounds as if he wanted the baby, not you, as his meal ticket essentially. Possibly citizenship if he had married you as well.

He sounds like a walking red flag. Block him now. You don't need to speak again.

It's all over now, so don't think about the what if's.

Block him, end contact and move on - relationship is dead at this point

It was a baby, and it was his child. Sounds to me like he is grieving. I don’t agree with those who are doing the predictable leave him, he’s showing his true colours etc. People deal with grief in their own way, and for him that means having space, but he obviously still cares for you and wants to have some contact. Do you feel any grief over it? Maybe it is hurting him if you don’t, or are not expressing that. It’s up to you what you do, doesn’t sound like you want to be with him or have children with him, but I wouldn’t demonise him for his sadness

I think you need to reread that posr

I'm not demonising him for sadness, i'm demonising him for the way he's treated me since.
I think it's ok to be sad, and yes OF COURSE i'm sad - what kind of question is that? But if you're in a good relationsihp with someone who has genuine feelings for you then you are not going to immediately start calling them names and treating them like shit on your shoe, and that is what he has done.

Him wanting space is not a problem, i'm aware he'd probably want to go away and grieve about the situation. For me I wanted support and togetherness and I understand that you can't always have what you want right now in these situations, but to speak to me the way he has and also heap guilt on me about his mum taking it badly is in my opinion below the belt.

Sadness my fucking arse, it's his bad treatment of OP, which you seem to be trying to justify. He was irresponsible to think having a baby with a woman he hardly knows is a good idea anyway.

This is what I don't understand to be honest. Why would anyone want to have a baby with someone after 4 months. It seems absolutely irresponsible.
But his political views are the right wing Trump variety so perhaps that reflects his views on "family" and women. He's many times told me I should stop letting feminists who promote abortion "get into my head" and that I should consider what life will be like "alone" if I have no family.

Because for men like that it's about control. You've said yourself how having a baby with you could have potentially improved his life, dont think for even a second that he wasn't aware of that too.

I agree he doesn't sound like much of a prize, and you seem to positively dislike him, so why did you want or expect support and togetherness? I think this is what you need to look at.

Glad you're taking some time to process and heal. Hope you've got some good support around you.

Just block him already!
You've made one correct decision (not to have a child with some messed up passport bro ) now make the next one.

Yeah, I'm sure his mammy is upset that you've robbed her darling son of permanent residency - that is what this situation has all the hallmarks of.

Time to move on with your head held high. I'm sorry you had to suffer physically to extracate yourself from this horrible situation 💐

I remember your first thread about this @Chaoticgarden

The consensus on it was that he was being untruthful about his other child in SA. Also the circumstances around why he doesn't see that child.

You've done the right thing. He sounds like a nightmare, and marriage to him would have been of enormous benefit to him, and great loss to you.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful.

Block this man right now. And try to put this behind you. He sounds like the type to get dangerous when thwarted.

You need to look forwards, not backwards.

The situation with this man is that things have ended messily. And really, after only 4 months of a relationship, there is no foundation to recover from this mess.

So - don’t contact him and get on with your life. Without him in it. So much in your posts is just utter mad shit from him (not least the drunk driving). Clean break, out.

I'd never looked into what it really involved being a mother until I became pregnant and for 3 weeks I researched and researched and researched. I looked at the good and the bad.
I also looked at how the situation would be for him, and what it would mean for him. I realised how heavy the price would be for me and the fact that he had no obligation to stick around. He could easily have moved back in with his mother and demanded joint custody thus leaving me out on my own with a vastly reduced quality of life.

It's been especially heartbreaking because I loved the idea of it the way he explained it, but I have been very well schooled in what men say, the promises made and how women are left in the dust picking themselves up after they have followed the promises of bad men.

I'm not saying that means all men are bed or that women don't also deceive, but speaking on this situation specifically, I know very well how it could go.

Very soon after we began dating I told him I was going on a solo trip to turkey - it was a group trip with a bunch of people I never met. It was for my 40th. He asked if he could book onto it too and I said ok sure, he came with me and one evening we were having dinner (splitting the bill every time) and he told me he had just texted his friends to say "I think i've met my wife". We'd been seeing each other less than 2 months by this point, he hadn't even asked me to be his girlfriend by this point.

None of it stacked up to me at all, I thought it was very sweet and blushed and disregarded it. Later on that week one of the waiters said we looked like a cute couple and he said "she wants my babies". Something about him, although he seemed very lovely in every way, was off. From how cheap he was being to how unfailingly complimentary he was being... and now this 180 has revealed a lot to me.

I'm aware he's grieving too. I have no issue with that and I never would. Part of the agony of my decision was knowing that I would hurt him by deciding not to keep it, part of me was saying "don't upset him, keep it, you might not get another chance". But in the end I said no.... because if I am nice now and he turns on me, I'd just never forgive myself.

He's shown you how he handles conflict by guilting you over his mother's health and manipulating you, he's shown you he's willing to drink and drive, he's shown you he's capable of having a child and moving to a different country and having nothing to do with it and not paying any maintenance...

Be very glad you aren't tied to this man in any way now.

he does pay for her schooling despite not being on the birth certificate. But i know what you are saying.

You read him like a book, so don't beat yourself up about it. Its textbook abuser behaviour to get you pregnant asap. Then all of the awful things you were worried about start happening, and you are completely tied to this person like it or not. With the awful guilt of having chosen them as your childs other parent. Is he grieving a child, or missed opportunity? He has has already abandoned one child in another country, what made this one so different?
Move on and dont look back, better to have a child with a doner than a man like that.

I mean i just think.... what a load of bollocks.

Hold onto this, because it's true. He's full of cobblers and you know it.

As for the 'it's his baby, it's his child', it's not. He's entitled to think about it that way, his mum is, but don't force that onto OP. He shouldn't and you shouldn't.

OP never date another pro-forced birth type. They all hate women on a visceral level.

This man is entitled to be upset about the termination but the bigger picture of the situation and his behaviour tells a story that you are very wise to have avoided.
It's my absolute nightmare to have a child with the 'wrong' person, granted you don't always know that at the time, but I would have rather had no children or do IVF/adopt alone than keep a pregnancy with someone I knew was not going to be a good person to be tied to for the rest of my life.
I think your idea to get therapy with regards to your relationships is really sensible.
Focus on healing yourself from this situation and your previous one.

I've just noticed someone mention your previous thread on this relationship which I remember reading with concern. I think you ignored the red flags at the start with regards to his 'political' opinions and his stories about his relationship with his child in SA.
I'm so glad to see that your eyes have opened since then. Having read that thread where you were quite defensive of this man, I wouldn't have thought you had the strength to make the decision you have.

I definitely think you need to block this man and move on with your life now.

I was defensive about him yes.

Trust me, the way he comes across.... he's almost zen like in his demeanour. You wouldn't believe he had the capability to do anything terrible.

Anyway, what I forgot to mention on this thread was that while I was pregnant and in the middle of panicking about my decision, I contacted the mother of his daughter out of sheer desperation. I asked her if there was anything I should worry about.

I later regretted my decision, thought I was being completely intrusive and blocked her on Facebook after unsending the message - it obviously didn't work because she has tracked me down and found my work email. She messaged me and gave me her phone number and told me that she would send me the story of what happened to her. She told me she has been alone from day dot of finding out she was pregnant and that she would explain more later. She has been extremely kind to me. I told her about the decision I made and she said she thinks that as hard as it was, I did the right thing.

I will see what she says later.