I had an abortion and he left me

[Chaoticgarden]

A while back I posted about being pregnant and was really struggling to decide whether to keep the baby or not. Because i'm 40, this has been a heartwrenching decision for me and a lot of tears have been shed, but in the end I decided to go for a termination.

The experience of having a termination was one of the most painful and traumatic experiences i've ever had, the pain was so intense I had to call an ambulance. I'm now recovering from it. Prior to that I spent 3 weeks in a complete panic over what I should do.

The father of the child was trying to encourage me to go through with the pregnancy pretty much constantly, it was impossible to have an impartial discussion with him, he was just completely sure that we were going to be able to do this. I am sure he is right but some of my reasons for not going through with it were as follows:

I have only been officially dating him for 4 months, I was seeing him before that and it took him two months of sleeping with me to ask me out.

In the time I've been dating him he's never introduced me to his mother or even taken me out on a date - it actually became a point of contention and I eventually had to outright ask him to.

He lives at home with his mother and is 40. He's been in this country for a year after moving from another country so I understand he's getting back on his feet, but he earns half what I do and has no savings and no assets.

In the end I felt like his frequent declarations of love just really weren't backed up with anything solid, and I couldn't risk upheaving my entire life to have his child. I felt that me having his baby wasn't because he loved me and wanted to be with me, I felt like it was a way of him getting a life upgrade, while I would have been sat at home with a baby and he could go to work as normal. Because I earn so much more, I realised how much of an impact this would have on my independence. I live in a house share at the moment because I'm still selling the house from my previous relationship which was abusive and which I had to leave.

I didn't feel like I could rely on this guy who I barely knew, despite him saying he'd marry me there is no law that says he has to do that, and no law that says he couldn't leave when things got hard. I just couldn't risk it. I am devastated. I am sure I would have been able to do it on my own but he was so hell bent on having the child that there is no way he wouldn't have hounded me and I did not want to be in a coparenting situation - I wanted a family.

After my termination he basically turned on me, told me his mother is devastated and her health has taken a turn for the worse, that I am selfish for asking for support, and that I am "pushing him for answers" on the future of our relationship. He said we're not broken up but he "needs space". He told me several times he wouldn't judge me whatever decision I made. He has text me asking how my day was but I don't get much more than that, when I've said my day is fine he's told me i'm being short with him and that asking what's going on is being aggressive and harsh.
I'm also selfish for not asking after his mother and I'm a narcissist because I am making everything about myself.

I realise that I should never have dated this man in the first place, this whole thing was an accident but I am just completely gobsmacked by his cold behaviour towards me after the termination. It was a bit like he expected me to give him a baby, he already has one in another country that he does not see because the mother apparently got pregnant and then ran off and refused to let him have any involvement in it.

He's seemed really nice and very kind (as long as it's free) but his sudden change of tune is apparently all my fault? I was not a very nice person during the pregnancy because I felt under immense pressure and stress, I barely ate or slept and cried constantly, so maybe that is why? I don't know.

You absolutely did the right thing and to put you though all that stress and mental anguish while you come to that decision is rather unforgivable.

Some think men shouldn't comment on such matters here,but as someone who was brought up being told any woman that has an abortion is a cold blooded killer.

But I'm glad we have the opportunity to educate ourselves and see the emotional pain and the difficult decisions women have to come to.

You absolutely made the right decision,for you,there is no shame putting your needs first,it's your body and your choice we don't have to carry a baby for 9 months so have no say when it comes to that.

But if you really care about someone,you will support the decision they take.i wish you good luck in the future take care

I think you've managed an incredibly difficult situation extremely well. I think many women would have folded, not because they're weak, but just because it's a massive massive amount to deal with and so hard to stay strong and do what's right.

It's amazing how you'ce come out of an abusive relationship, and seen this one for what it is instead of being taken in by his words and hoping it'll be different.

Yes, do some work because there's a lot of confusion - but you seem to have come a long way from your abusive relationship, so also congratulate yourself for that.

He is, but he is not entitled to place the guilt on me over his mother being upset if he chooses to do so when I had found out a few days prior and didn't know what I was going to do.

So there's that as well thank you very much. His mum being upset is his fault.

I haven't read the whole thread but I think you made the right decision. He's entitled to be upset if he wanted to keep the baby but I question his motives, especially offering marriage so quickly when you are the higher earner etc. you would be a nice meal ticket and making a leap here but I could see him moving his mum in with you and you would end up feeling like a servant in your own home.

Concentrate on yourself now, take time to heal and block him.

OP, it sounds to me like he wanted the child but not you. If he loved you he would have supported your decision and be with you now..

Did he offer to support you in raising his child? No. He was looking to you as the bread winner. And now he is fussing about how his mum feels (!!) instead of looking after you. Perhaps he should have been more discreet and not shared the news until he was sure of the route forward..

You are well rid of him. Use 2025 to find a decent man who values you for you. Preferably one who cut the apron strings and stands on his own two feet.

So many things happened with this man far too fast and I think it's for the best you don't waste more time on him. Something is off by the sound of it and I think you made the right decision. He of course has his emotions to go through but blaming you for his mum being upset is wrong and completely on him sharing information with her. Just concentrate on yourself and on your needs without him in your life.

Marriage to him would serve me no purpose at all.
In fact if we divorced I would come off very much worse than him and my assets would be his - he has no pension, no savings and no property. Nothing.

A child would upgrade him from living at home with mum, to a family set up, my income would take the hit and it's always the mother doing the majority of the care while he skips off to work - that's what my problem is with this picture.

He's even claimed that buying a new car for himself is him showing how much he loves me! He was driving around an old banger previously, then upgraded to a better car (which I am happy for him about). He claimed that buying the car was actually to "keep me safe". He wanted to go on holiday to Scotland and was going to drive us but his old banger kept breaking down, he then suggested using my car and when I said no, he went and got a new one which he was going to do anyway.

Apparently that was "all for me". I'm not insured on it and it's not in my name, so I have no idea how it was "for me". Everywhere he's ever taken me is either BOGOF, splitting the bill, or free. He owns 3 cars including an old sports car that he was "going to sell" but hasn't sold in 6 months and he hasn't sold his old banger either several months after buying his newer car.

Just nothing actually adds up with this guy. Everything is just words, and then he gets upset with me when I "don't believe him". He tells me I don't love myself enough to believe that he would love me and I just look at it and think, no I don't believe you because I DO love me.

The first time he told me he loved me was after he insisted he was ok to drive after a party we went to, nearly got into an RTA because he was drunk, and then I had to drive us the rest of the way home. He was very sorry apparently because he wanted to tell me he loved me on our trip to Scotland on top of a hill.

I mean i just think.... what a load of bollocks. So when I found out I was pregnant, yes i'd liked to have had a baby in many ways, but I literally CAN'T have a baby with someone who is just so questionable. Nothing he says stacks up.

There were clearly red flags, you have no ties to him now, I'd move on.

That being said, I'm incredibly grateful that as a woman someone else can't make a unilateral decision about the life or death of my unborn child. I'd be devastated if someone chose to not continue a pregnancy that I wanted - from the dads perspective, Its a miscarriage, but with the twist of knowing it was deliberate, not nature. I couldn't get over it personally because it would be a devastating loss.

Oh yeah i had all the promises about him supporting me and the child and doing the work etc but honestly there are so many men who want to be dads and then when they realise that it's hard they just bow out.

I personally don't think he would have, but honestly there was no security for me in the situation. Even if you're married people can leave, even if you've been together for a long time people can leave, but at least in those situations you know where you stand before you go ahead and if shit happens you can say you did your best to go forward in a secure situation.

The more you say the more I think he had ulterior motives and I'm even more convinced you made the right decision.

I think you did the right thing to retain agency over your life. I don't think any good can come from meeting him again.

As you put in your previous post, therapy would probably help you in the long run. Please be heartened that your intuition was good in this case and protecting you. Therapy may help you trust this more and see red flags earlier.

I think you made the right decision OP.

I also think it's understandable that he would be very upset about the baby being terminated and that the relationship was inevitably going to end over it.

All the other stuff with the texts and his mum is all extra messy and I don't think you should worry yourself with it. It must have been obvious you'd break up. I don't think many relationships could survive this situation when he wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy. I think it's best to block and go your separate ways.

It IS your body your choice and I 100% believe the woman is the one who should get that choice. I don't think the man involved is obliged to be ok with it though nor stick around.

For what it's worth I think you made absolutely the right choice. He does not sound like he would be a good partner and the reasons you listed all make perfect sense.

I'd echo comments to look at some therapy as you've been through something traumatic. Im sorry this has happened to you but he's not the one who can support you and I think you should cease contact and make a clean break.

I think that in the long run, you will look back on this and be relieved that you listened to your head. I agree that this man has lots of red flags and you are the one with the most to lose if you proceed.

I also agree that therapy is a great idea so that you can protect yourself from men like this.

Also with regards to seeing him again, after everything he's said to me, I am just too fragile at this point to get hurt any further. I cannot see what he would possibly have to say to me that would be good.
I haven't replied to his message and I won't be either.

Well done OP - actually you are sounding strong and clear, and you are looking after yourself wrt your finances and stability.

I hope you will soon be enjoying your cottage.

I would block him to save yourself the emotional intrusion of his messages.

Lucky escape there, even if it doesn't feel like that right now. Your posts about him are full of red flags.
40 year old man with nothing of any substance to show for his age, living with his mum, been in the country 5 minutes, pregnant within a matter of weeks of dating, pressuring you into keeping the baby, tight and a drink driver. Anything else I missed?

Definitely sounds like he knew he would be on to a good thing with you.

Delete, block, move on (via a counsellor).

So sorry to read everything you've been through. Must have been unbelievably tough and sending hugs.

However, the relationship ending sounds like the only positive in this.
To an outsider, reading everything you have listed, we'd all have been shouting at you to dump him even before you got pregnant.

Please block him and never speak to him again.

Please be kind to yourself and take some time to heal

You were absolutely within your rights to decide what to do for your own physical and emotional wellbeing.

He was absolutely entitled to realise he wanted a baby and be devastated when you terminated.

But this wasn't really a relationship, was it. Very brief, lacking depth or future. And he seems very mixed up with his mother which never bodes well especially in a man his age.

If he'd wanted to be with you he would have been.

Honestly? Not husband / long term / life partner material. Chalk it up to unhappy experience and move on.

I'm sorry you've gone through such a terrible time. He wasn't any kind of a prize, 2 months sleeping with him before he asked you out, never taking you on an actual date, no introduction to his mother, he wasn't going to stick around and would have left you anyway. It's possible he didn't even want the baby and was just using it to try control you. You did the best thing for yourself. You are not responsible for his mother's health and he is a complete piece of shit for trying to guilt you like this when you've been through so much. Cut him off, move on from him. You deserve so much better. Concentrate on yourself now, you need to heal and look after yourself. There are plenty of decent men out there, don't feel you need someone like him.

OP abortions can be extremely traumatic and you both are entitled to your feelings however it does sound like you made a right decision in your circumstances.

Some people have very romantic (reckless) attitude towards starting a family. In reality it's a decision that has many potential implications which can be long lasting and turn your life upside down if anything goes wrong.

You are right in thinking you should be in stable relationship before having a child and it doesn't sound like your relationship was even on a right course to become something committed and strong.

He might be wanting a baby but in the end you would have been the one left holding a baby, unable to continue your career and maybe to even support yourself and a child while he would only need to pay little amount of child support.

Your partner is 40 and he can have more children with someone else. You can acknowledge his sadness but you don't owe him a child and you don't have to go through all the risk -health wise, financial etc just because he wants you to when he risks little in comparison.

You're in very fragile state right now both physically and emotionally. It will take a while for your hormones to settle again. Your priority now is to heal and if you can't do it with him I'm afraid you might be better off without him.

He wasn't really marriage material from what you've said, as he doesn't make you feel happy and safe and isn't able to offer any sort of contribution to your shared life. If he was someone for you to marry, he would have supported you in your decision, not involved his mum before you had decided what to do. It had to be your decision as you had the most to lose, especially as you were not in an established relationship and your age could have led to health issues. You were absolutely right to put yourself first and I hope you soon feel better.

You terminated (which is your right) his baby, which he wanted. Surely, you can't be surprised by the way he has reacted.

FWIW, you actually did the right thing. I would now block him and move on with your life without him.

My abusive ex got me pregnant that fast. I didn't have the termination and now I'm tied to his abusive behaviour and so is my child. I also owned a house and was self supported before we met by the end he had drained all he could from me while accusing me of being a terrible mother because I had to work to pay for his lazy arse.

You made he right choice. So many red flags in your post. It reads like he wanted you to have a baby so you would be tied to him, you would have to use your house sale money to get a house for baby and he gets to just walk in and benifit from that. I know some women lie but his ex fleeing and keeping the kids from him is a massive red flag and if she lied why not fight to see that kid?

You have shown you cannot be manipulated and controlled. He thought you would be easy to do this to as you have a history of abuse. Abusive men seek out vulnerable women for this reason and their initial love bombing seems amazing compared to past abuse. You showed you can't be controlled and you are questioning why no dates etc after such a short time. He's realised he can't mould you into his pet human so has cut his losses. That's my interpretation anyway.

Everything he did and said and was, was a huge red flag. He sounds absolutely horrendous. You were a meal ticket that he thought he could trap with a baby. That’s why he wanted the child. He already has one he doesn’t bother with in another country. Hardly dad of the year.

You’ve done the absolute right thing. You’re free now, and the trash has taken itself out.

Look forward, heal from your trauma and perhaps seek some therapy to help you learn to identify healthy relationships. Life will be good again.

You hadn't known each other, or loved each other, long enough to "go through thick and thin". Normally the comments for the first year of a relationship are that "it shouldn't be this hard" so him wanting a baby and you aborting the pregnancy was never going to result in a happy ever after scenario.

Well I think his behaviour confirms you 100% were right, and made the right choice, you should give yourself a massive pat on the back for that. So now you know your instincts about him were right, do you even want him in your life?