EX got new GF pregnant 3 months in

[YourRealWriter]

Ex husband has got new girlfriend of 3 months pregnant. Previous to meeting her he was constantly saying he wanted us to be a family again and wanted me back but I wouldn’t take him back and told him he had to work on himself as he had a lot of issues.
after leaving him I realised how he would manipulate me and tell me I done everything wrong, would ignore me for hours and blame everything on me.

He told me he only started seeing this girl because he seen me speaking to another guy,
Things moved very quickly with him and this new girl, staying at her’s every night so he couldn’t see his child, going away for weekends away and spending all his time with her and her child.
Our daughter would ask to see him and he would ask her why? And tell her no because he had plans with this new girl.
suddenly he has been trying to force our daughter to spend time with this new gf but my daughter has refused and said she is not ready but her dad had told her he was disappointed in her for this and that she would just have to do it because that was his new GF now, my daughter has been heartbroken, as she’s had no time to adjust
few weeks later and he has told me he is moving in with this women who lives 1.5 hours away and that they are expecting a baby,

it all seems far to soon and especially for my daughter - I don’t know what to do to protect my daughter

More fool her.

Guess he was looking for housing with a bed warmer attached.

If he’s not seeing her now when he can, he won’t be seeing her when he’s 1.5 hours away.

Don't bad talk her dad no matter how much he deserves it; she needs you to tell her it’s okay to be angry and it’s okay to love him still.

Could the school offer any sort of support?

How old is your dd? If she's older than about 10, it is up to her whether she sees her dad or not. Let her chose and try to remain impartial.

Apart from that, what your ex does is none of your business. Whoever chose to have the new baby.is thoughtless and inconsiderate, and the relationship is unlikely to last so there will be more children from broken homes. No-one so loving as a man who needs a roof over his head and on-tap sex. Or so selfish.

All you can do is give your dd the love, security and consistency she needs.

He ''didn't get her pregnant'' -the new woman actively sought to get pregnant by the sounds of it, by not using contraception {Or taking morning after pill}

She already has one child , and now has added another by unsuitable men {at such short notice} - She's a fool, and so is he, for not using condoms.

it all seems far to soon and especially for my daughter - I don’t know what to do to protect my daughter.

Sadly, there isn’t much you can do at all as he has well and truly moved on with little regard for DD’s feelings.

It’s a very difficult situation for you as you don’t know if he will abandon her entirely or suddenly want 50/50 access, so you have to be prepared for both eventualities which is almost impossible to do.
You don’t say how old DD is - it would be easier to help you if you could tell us. Hopefully she is in secondary school and old enough to decide some things for herself.

You will already be giving your daughter as much extra love and reassurance as possible now her dad has moved out, as no doubt she already feels totally abandoned by him. This new baby development will have added to that feeling. And she will have lots of feelings confusing her and making her anxious, depending on her age. Anger, insecurity, feelings of rejection, missing him, blaming you etc etc. Be prepared for all that. Demonstrating your own strength to her will help lead her with confidence through this awful stage …again depending on her age.

If you could afford to find some extra private therapy for her to help navigate that confusion it might help. Or maybe a special relative or friend could also take an interest in her to help guide her through it and help make her feel more secure. Giving her somebody extra to talk to other than her mum would be good.
It might be good to inform her school too and find out of there might be extra support available there. If she is close to his parents, then hopefully, they can still see her and continue to make her feel special and loved.

Be very aware of parental alienation down the line OP. It won’t help DD at all to ever hear you speak badly of her dad and hard as it is for you, the new baby is a half sibling she might want to get to know. Validate her feelings and reassure her that although her dad is a bit pre-occupied for now, he does love her.

Having moved away, her dad might find it difficult to see her as often as he should especially when he has his hands full with sleepless nights, but if his new relationship lasts he may suddenly decide to try for more access. It will be easier to support her once he reveals his situation and intentions more fully.

You have had a shock OP and I hope you are ok. It is so very hurtful when this happens and your ex suddenly expects DD to be part of a blended extra new family as if it’s entirely normal. Don’t forget support for yourself too. Take care x

Walk away from this.

Not your problem.

Make the best life you can with your daughter.

Seriously? As long as she's physically safe there's nothing to protect her from?
Her dad's skipped out on the family she knew and has built a new one with a stranger which she's now obliged to fit into if she wants any relationship with him. Sounds like he's also generally manipulative and gaslighty and not afraid to treat his daughter that way. Psychologically this is a shitshow for her. It has the potential to shape her outlook forever. Of course OP needs to protect her.

This guy sounds like a complete asshole and the gf not responsible either.

I don't think you can assume though she purposely got pregnant by this prince among princes?

No where did OP say this woman didn't use contraception and the ex wouldn't be a reliable source even if he said that.

I would prepare yourself that he is going to disappear from her life, support her decision to not see him, and unfortunately you are going to have to pick up the pieces of heart 💔.

He's your ex OP. You don't get a say in his life. Unless he's a real risk to his dd, she will be better off spending time with him and her sibling. Nothing you have written mwjes him a bad dad, just a lousy partner

I didn’t go into great detail as I wanted people to just have a general understanding of the situation but since there is a few crossed wires.
My Ex had told me for over a year he would “not be here” if we didn’t take him back into our family, I have had to live with the worry of that everyday. He used to drive past my house and come to the door at early hours of the morning while on shift to ask to come in and check to see if people were in our house.
His daughter asked to see him and he asks why?
she is 12 years old and absolutely adores her dad!
He massively manipulated myself for years and I didn’t see it but now I can see it happening to my daughter.
He has been seeing this women for 2/3 months and since then hasn’t bothered much with our daughter.
He drops in when he can when he lives just down the hill from her but drives over 1.5 hours to go see his new partner.

posting photos of the new partners child of him and her doing things together on social media but can’t do anything with his own child,

My daughter was told about this new partner then went home to school to see her sitting there and was told by my ex mother law she had to meet her new step mom!

my daughter has told him twice she isn’t ready yet to meet this new partner but when she did her dad said that she wasn’t being nice and that hid new partner and child would think she didn’t like them at that he was disappointed in her. He then told her that’s his life now and she had to like it

Brilliant summary. This one did make me smile at the cleverness.

She is a fool, but you don't know that she sought to get pregnant 🙄. Two irresponsible idiots have created a baby.

He sounds dreadful, so great you didn't have him back. Pity he's a shit father too.
@LAMPS1 has given great advice.

OP he sounds deranged to a certain extent dropping by in the night to check who is in the house. Not understanding why your DD wants to see him yet forcing his new GF and family on her and saying she’s her step mother. Ignoring her plea that she just isn’t ready, threatening her and expressing his disappointment in her for not adjusting as stupidly fast as he has.

No wonder your DD is terribly hurt and confused, especially if she adores him. It’s a steep learning curve of realisation for her and must be very uncomfortable. A hard job for you supporting that realisation without alienating her from him.

You have managed to get away from his manipulation, well done for that, but your DD can’t do that so easily and he sounds capable of weaponising DD to get at you. You are right to be concerned and to stay alert to his tricks.

What do you think would be for the best OP given this situation seems to be moving so quickly. For him to see her or for him to stay away for now to see how his new situation develops on?

My advice after your new info, would be to refuse entry to him at night time, and at times other than pre-arranged by you to visit DD.
I would honour and enforce DD’s own wish not to have to see his GF and to restrict the times he sees her to a time of your own choosing that suits DD but in your own home, with you present, so that he can’t manipulate her. Lower your DD’s expectations of him being reliable for the moment in case he doesn’t turn up when he says he’s going to. Reassure her that this rather dramatic and uncertain phase will pass and things will settle eventually into a routine. Let her know that she is right to say what she wants and needs and to not be bullied into moving at a pace she isn’t comfortable with. Praise her for that sensible reaction and thinking.

Your DD sounds very wise already for a twelve year old.

If he takes you to family court for access, all of that will take time with attempts at mediation etc. and he may well have been chucked out by his new GF by then anyway.
I would try to play for time so that your DD can settle a bit and get used to him not being around. Lots of treats and things to look forward to with you, your family and her friends.
Her opinion will be listened to in court so support her in being able to be assertive with her preferences and needs eg…I love my dad and still need to see him but I’m not ready to take on a whole new family as it has all been too fast-moving for me to keep up with him suddenly swapping families, it’s still too traumatising and I need time to adjust.

Agree with @LAMPS1 .

The important thing is to harden your household against intrusion and manipulation. Build a moat—a mental moat—against him and help your dd detach emotionally from her father.

He is, from your description, a manipulative, game playing, selfish man who treats you like a piece of property. He has expanded his harem to include this new woman and her child and sealed his control over her by getting her pregnant so he can manipulate and control her by offering and withholding love/miney/attention.

He will sporadically do the same to you and your dd. To the extent the law forces you to accommodate him then accomodate him. But if your dd can decide to minimize contact I would tacitly and then openly encourage it. Because his back snd forth, control then abandonment, his threats that dhe will be disliked in his home if she doesn’t instantly comply, are all very damaging.

He is moving an hour and a half away? Wave goodbye and refuse to have anything to do with his visitation rights/wrings. Don’t get sentimental about her “new little sibling” either. She can only have whatever relationship he permits with his second family and it is unlikely to be a good ir healthy relationship. Help her stay ckear eyed and unattached.

I sometimes wish he would just completely cut her off and she would be absolutely devastated and so would I be as we never had our child together for him to not be in her life but seeing the upset and disappointment in her eyes when he lets her down is awful and heart breaking.

i have always encouraged my daughter to speak up and explain how she is feeling as her feelings matters, unfortunately her father doesn’t see it this way and it makes this complicated for her.

it angers me that he is throwing away 12 year relationship with his daughter to almost play happy family with someone else and her child and now having a baby together, my child has just been thrown to the side and forgotten about.
I just feel completely lost as I know the upset that will come when my daughter is then told that she will be becoming a big sister

He is a terrible person and that won’t change. This is painful for you (as you chose him) and for dd (as she is stuck with him). Rant and complain about it here but in the real world be proactive and get dd into therapy, if you can afford it, and teach her to be wise and cautious about her love.

Yes OP, it sounds as if he is capable of using her to punish you for refusing to be manipulated any longer. So keep your wits about you and try to stay ahead of his game.

Your daughter will come to her own realisation eventually. It just takes time and maturity.

In the meantime, be a strong mother and daughter team together. Show her how to have courage and stand up for herself, -just as you have done. And to be prepared for what might come.
It’s terrible for a mum to see her daughter suffer like this, but you can help her get through it because incredibly, you have already done the worst bit yourself -of getting him out of the house and ignoring his suicide threats and dramas.
Concentrate on the positives, trust in your own ability to balance out his threats and his rejection of her with old-fashioned common sense, communication and love. Make sure there is always some little thing for you both to look forward to together. Celebrate anything you can think of when she needs a pick-up.
Lean on your own family and good friends and stay steady. Get professional help for yourself too if possible so that you can keep growing and helping her.
You are doing well to cut through his bullying and to start a new life for you both. That took tremendous courage.
You can get through this next stage OP, no matter how hard he makes it for her.
It will get better for your daughter.
She will grow to be a very strong young woman who takes no nonsense, I’m quite sure. She is already well on the way to that.

Seriously?? Think you need to properly read what the OP has written!

Not really any of your business where he dips his wick and the result of that

You said yourself he asked to wee his daughter and she didn't feel ready which to me sounds like she's overheard you or you have said something directly to her about the situation and she is wanting your approval

You need to be careful with what you say who you say it to and who's around as your bitterness will rub off on your child and she'll probably say things like she doesn't want to see her dad because she thinks it's what you want to hear

Is there not a way you can sit down with him to iron out contact time and if he breaks the agreement he doesn't have a leg to stand on

My goodness, you’ve dodged a bullet. It will be tough, but as long as you’re showing your daughter love and support, she will see everything and grow up knowing she was loved by you.
You can’t control his behaviour, all you can do is support your daughter as she navigates her relationship with him going forward.

I would find a therapist for your daughter so she can have an expert help her process things and also plan some fun things on the weekends so even if she isn’t seeing her dad, you and her can make some positive happy memories.

Try to help your daughter understand that what he does is no reflection on her. He is an adult, and she can't change his attitude or behaviour; but in the long term he will regret letting her down.
Try your best to ignore him and his behaviour. Bolster your daughter's confidence as much as you can and show her how much you love her. He's thinking with his dick and has to live with the consequences of his actions.