Should I end my marriage? my bi-curiosity is eating me alive

[BanditTheCat]

I’m sorry it’s a long one, but I really need some advice from other women who have been through this same situation. Please believe me when I say I have been thinking about this from every angle for a long time, and I keep thinking I know what to do for the best, maybe I need a push but I need to know I’m not going to wreck a few lives.

I’m a woman married to a man, and we have a child together. We have been together for a long time now, we have been happy, nothing wild, not the fireworks of the early days, but a stable and easygoing home. We are relatively comfortably-off and on the surface we are in for the long haul. He is attractive, educated, a fantastic dad but fairly limited emotionally in terms of our relationship. He cannot verbalise any type of affection, he simply finds it too difficult. I knew all this when I married him. We have sex but this has dwindled to about 2-3 times a month mainly due to my libido going through the floor, potentially due to perimenopause, but also because these days I don’t get anything out of it (no matter how hard he tries). I’d rather have an early night.

Around 10 years ago I finally came to the realisation (and acceptance) I was also attracted to women. At first I felt pleased that I had admitted it to myself and proud of myself. I have never disclosed this to anyone though, inc my husband. The realisation was over a period of time and instead of wondering why I admired some women on telly or whatever, I realised I was actually attracted to them. And since then I have allowed myself to recognise when I am attracted to other women in real
life (but have never acted on it or let on in any way).

Over time I have been mindful of whether I am full-on gay or bisexual, but I find myself still attracted to men and I definitely still appreciate how attractive my husband is.

But when I see women either on television or in real life that I find attractive, it’s a different feeling. I find myself fantasising about being in a relationship with a woman, enjoying both physical and emotional intimacy, and where I’ve been successful in pushing these feelings down for a number of years, just recently something has pinged in my brain and I have started to seriously consider separating from my husband in order to pursue a life with a woman. It’s all consuming and I am finding it hard to think of anything else.

Trouble is, I don’t have a woman. Ive never even kissed a woman. I have always felt cheating is diabolical and so through this bi-curiosity on steroids, I feel like I need to end my marriage in order to what feels, right now, like strongly following my heart.

Our child is due to start primary school in September. My husband would be crushed if I ended our marriage, but in time he would cope. Is he in love with me? I wouldn’t say so, but we make a good team and he/we like our comfortable, reliable stable life. He would be devastated not to see our child every day if we split. I would be so sad for our little one for breaking up our family, it’s the main thing that’s stopping me as I can’t bear the thought of them going through a broken home.

But I feel like he deserves better than a wife who daydreams about romantic situations with women and secretly watches WLW relationships on youtube as a coping mechanism.

Sorry it’s long. Has anyone else been through this and done the same? Or have you / did you stay and just tried to make it work for your children? Do I leave even if I never meet a woman??

I was the same as you, OP (no children, however). I realised I was attracted to some women whilst ostensibly contentedly married to a man I'd been with for 13 years, after only male partners all my life. And I realised I had a sort of 'ache' inside me, which wasn't being addressed despite being with a lovely, kind, attractive man.

And then I met my now partner (through work, not 'on purpose') - and the "ache" went away as soon as we admitted our feelings for each other. We've been together for almost 26 years. It was easier for me because I didn't have children - but I did hurt a good man very deeply indeed.

You're bored. Most women are attracted to women to some extent. A relationship with a woman is as likely to be unfulfilling and go stale as one with a man. It's not a cure all.

I think you should do what you can to find something to challenge your brain. Trashing your family wouldn't be my first port of call. Menopause brings these big hormonal changes and sense of disatisfaction. You need to look at the bigger picture, whether a different relationship is in it or not.

Personally I wouldn't break up the family of a reception age child on the basis that you fancy trying kissing a woman.

An ache - that is an accurate way to describe it. I appreciate your comment, it’s so hard for many people to understand the complexity of it. Particularly as this isn’t a perimenopausal whim.

@BanditTheCat i wasn’t having a go at you, I promise!

I think it’s great that you have come to this realisation and I’m sorry it came so late to you which has meant it hasn’t had time to feel part of you and your life.

my only point is that it wouldn’t matter if you were happy with this person. That this new realisation probably isn’t the actual problem but it has triggered you realising that there has been an issue because you aren’t happy.

im am not telling you to leave nor am I telling you to stay, all im suggesting is take a big step back and look at your situation, your life and your relationship honestly and how you really feel about it all and your future and once you have it might give you some answers as to what is going on and any next steps you might want to take! That could be anything from nothing to solo therapy or couples therapy to leaving or anything in between

as for feeling bad about yourself that’s not helpful. Life is far far too short to waste it.
it might hurt him if you want to leave (and I’m not saying you do or should unless that’s what you want) but ultimately if this isn’t working for you then it won’t be working for him as much as he might think it is because you don’t want to be in it. And that is ok if it is not what you want and you DONT need a reason for it.

im am sending you the best of luck and very much hope whatever happens it’s what you want and makes you happy.

There’s been some constructive comments on this thread and it’s given me plenty to think about. I have already filled my weeks with social stuff and hobbies/activities etc, so I think as a first step I will have a gentle conversation with my husband and talk through some of the things that are contributing to a sense of unfulfilment. For the record, the ache that I feel (as coined very accurately by a PP) i very much doubt is going to go away. I don’t know how that will manifest itself in the future. But I do owe my husband my whole self and if my needs aren’t being met at the moment then we’ll just have to see. Wish me luck!

That is so gross.
Pay a woman to have sex with you?
That's your answer?!?

I’m wishing you all the luck @BanditTheCat

you are right you don’t know what this means in the future but whatever it becomes I hope it all works out for you!

I'm gay and was married to a man. I was very young when we got married.
I did think about it over the years but not in a way that I thought I could be with a woman in real life. I mostly buried those feelings.
I didn't leave because I was gay, there were so many problems in the marriage primarily because of my ex husband's behaviour.
Over time it became clear that the relationship was over, and my gayness, for want of a better word, came to the surface.

I chose to leave. I didn't know if I would ever be in a relationship again, but the marriage was over.
I met my wife though and we've been together almost 20 years.
A lot of people assumed I'm bisexual, I'm not. It just wasn't a possibility in my life back then to be gay.
If you are bisexual but haven't been with a woman, I don't think you necessarily need to actually be with a woman to know. You already do.
The question is, is your marriage giving you what you need? Can it be salvaged, do you want to stay or will you forever regret not having a relationship with a woman?
I hope you find a way to navigate this.

For me, it was a nightmare getting divorced but so worth it for the last 20 years of this wonderfully fulfilling relationship with my wife.

I'm glad you will talk to your husband about it. I think that's very important; however, as a bisexual who is married to another bisexual, I don't think it's that which is eating you alive.

You have given a lot of weight to these fantasies. I've been there during some very difficult times, it's natural for many to bring themselves into a comforting and enjoyable fantasy to deal with stress. During that time, at times I had that ache and worried I was doing wrong by my husband for having those fantasies. This was not helped by being around more than a few women whose response to discussing any stress at home was LTB.

My husband and I talked about it, a lot. I even went to women's discos and Lesbian and Bisexual women events with his encouragement - not to find anyone romantically, but to connect to others. I found that while the socialising helped, making it about my sexuality didn't. Reality rarely matches fantasies, and when I accepted that and that my needs were for connection, I put more effort into my community and significantly into my marriage. I found the ache faded til it disappeared. 8 years on now, I can't even bring the same feelings to mind - what felt all consuming then now feels like another lifetime.

Maybe just drop it into chat with him. You may be pleasantly surprised that he is turned on by the idea of you with another woman, most of us men probably are about our own partners (cue the haters! 😄😄) and you can have one of those relationships where he allows your 'time off'. 😄
It may open up the relationship to be an more exiting place. Then at least you'll know where you stand on it.
There was a Ch4? prog called Swingers or Couple something or similar, where couples where one of them was wanting to go play with the same sex, went to a stately home to try it. Maybe sit and watch it on download with him, to see what his reaction is. It was quite a good programme, sorry I can't remember exactly the name of it. There was about 2/3 series.

To me it sounds like you are emotionally unfulfilled.

I will say though (having had more long-term relationships with women than men) that being with women doesn't guarantee emotional intimacy, either.

It sounds to me as if you are probably bisexual but think that a relationship with a woman would offer what is missing in your relationship. When I think the real issue is that there is something missing.

I would try and explore what need it is that isn't being fulfilled. Ultimately if you are unfulfilled you may wish to leave the relationship. But I think down the line, being bisexual, it may be that you discover that the issue wasn't simply that you needed to be with a woman, but with someone else who meets your needs - who could be a woman or not.

Excellent post.

OP, it’s a common phenomenon. Lots of women suspect they are bi. Being bi doesn’t mean you have to blow your marriage up. Bi people are as capable of fidelity as anyone else and the whole notion that monogamy is different for bi people is pretty rotten, tbh. Am

Focus on your marriage. If you need to end it then do so. But don’t do it on the strength of a couple of fantasies about women on TV.

@BanditTheCat

Did you work things out?

During perimenopause my libido went absolutely through the fucking roof. It was insane. I won't bore you with the details. DH wasn't too interested. I thought about a lot of scenarios. I have always known I was bi, since I was a teen, and I have kissed women, but nothing more.

All I'm saying is: could this be what's driving you? The hormones were for me like nothing I had ever experienced. Crazy. (It stopped once I got into menopause proper.)

Nothing has changed. I go through peaks and troughs of feeling like life is too short for ‘what ifs’ and I have waves of wonder, if you like. I guess for some reading this thread they will think it’s me living in fantasy land etc. But a PP put it perfectly - it’s an ache, one that can’t be explained. Sometimes I do well at keeping it down hidden away, and other times I don’t. Could it be peri m? Possibly, although the ache has been there for years and years.
Maybe im being a coward right now but I don’t want to split my family up as we speak, our little one is starting school soon and im concentrating on that. I’m trying to fill my days with hobbies etc and put my energy into the relationship with my husband, who is a wonderful husband and father.
I honestly don’t know how this will pan out but right now I’m not turning everyone’s world upside down.

Hi there. The programme I referred you to in my previous post is called "Open house, the great sex experiment" ch4.
As suggested, you could watch it with him, to see what his reaction is. It may be that you could drop your thoughts into the conversation about you trying something with another woman - he may like the idea too, you never know!

It has people like you in it, that have an ache to try sex with a same sex person.

Good luck! Hope this helps.

That sounds like a suggestion that's dreamt up by someone that wants their cake and eat it.

If a man suggested that one he'd get savaged.

Bi female 40s here. Although l prefer to regard myself as “sexual”, l don’t need a prefix.

You certainly don’t sound lesbian. There are plenty of bi women out there, married to men, in happy relationships. Just as heterosexual women may be in a 1:1 relationship with a man, they are likely to fancy other men, it does not mean they have to pursue it. I see people l fancy (men and women) when l walk down the street each day.

What it does mean is that should your current relationship come to an end for any reason, the next one might be with a woman.

I don’t think someone coming out to themselves can be reduced to ‘fancying kissing a woman’ or ‘hormonal fluctuations.’ And no, I don’t think most women are sexually attracted to women. There’s a big difference between recognising another woman is beautiful and actively wanting to have a sexual encounter with a woman you find attractive.

i’m bi OP and although i agree the grass isn’t always greener, and things are probably exacerbated by your marriage not being emotionally fulfilling currently, i think one of the issues here is never having had that experience. It’s very hard to give up on something you’ve never had the chance to explore. It sounds like one way or another some open and honest communication with your husband is the way forward.

Hi OP, I am in excatly the same situation as you and was just wondering how things are panning out for you?

Imagine perhaps when you are being intimate you introduce the idea to him of you wanting to explore your bi side , he may find this a huge turn on and may agree not just because of his excitement but because it’s something very important to you . Lots of couples have this arrangement especially as it doesn’t involve a man which most men would probably struggle with .
I suppose the question is would that change you thought of ending the marriage to essentially explore if you had the permission.

Hi OP. I was in the same situation and have now divorced but still haven't been pro active in meeting anyone. Was considering speed dating! 8 did join HER dating app but soon got bored with that.

Do you have kids together?

Hello custard cream, thanks for writing. How are things panning out… well, nothing has really changed. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and digging deep. Sometimes I think I’m all talk because if someone else had come to me with the same issue, I’d say YOLO and life is too short etc etc. But it’s not quite so easy to follow through.

funnily enough my husband was upset a few months ago as I must’ve been a bit cold and I’d not been interested in being intimate. It felt like a real crossroads and I felt genuinely upset that I’d been somewhat unintentionally distant. He had bottled things up for a long time and it was unusual for him to talk like that, he was very frustrated and right to call me out as he felt like he’d been pushed away. We both agreed to try harder and that’s what we’ve done. Since then I have managed to bury my thoughts about women and have actively avoided my usual coping mechanisms like watching wlw content.

i doubt this is what you wanted to hear. If we didn’t have a child together, maybe i’d feel differently, I don’t know. I like our family unit and I worry that my curiosity (albeit strong) just may not be enough to break apart my family, for now.

That's usually regarded as a terrible idea.
I've seen many posts on here where men have confessed to their wives they are bi and the responses is usually "he's either cheating on you with a man, or he's going to".