Should I end my marriage? my bi-curiosity is eating me alive

[BanditTheCat]

I’m sorry it’s a long one, but I really need some advice from other women who have been through this same situation. Please believe me when I say I have been thinking about this from every angle for a long time, and I keep thinking I know what to do for the best, maybe I need a push but I need to know I’m not going to wreck a few lives.

I’m a woman married to a man, and we have a child together. We have been together for a long time now, we have been happy, nothing wild, not the fireworks of the early days, but a stable and easygoing home. We are relatively comfortably-off and on the surface we are in for the long haul. He is attractive, educated, a fantastic dad but fairly limited emotionally in terms of our relationship. He cannot verbalise any type of affection, he simply finds it too difficult. I knew all this when I married him. We have sex but this has dwindled to about 2-3 times a month mainly due to my libido going through the floor, potentially due to perimenopause, but also because these days I don’t get anything out of it (no matter how hard he tries). I’d rather have an early night.

Around 10 years ago I finally came to the realisation (and acceptance) I was also attracted to women. At first I felt pleased that I had admitted it to myself and proud of myself. I have never disclosed this to anyone though, inc my husband. The realisation was over a period of time and instead of wondering why I admired some women on telly or whatever, I realised I was actually attracted to them. And since then I have allowed myself to recognise when I am attracted to other women in real
life (but have never acted on it or let on in any way).

Over time I have been mindful of whether I am full-on gay or bisexual, but I find myself still attracted to men and I definitely still appreciate how attractive my husband is.

But when I see women either on television or in real life that I find attractive, it’s a different feeling. I find myself fantasising about being in a relationship with a woman, enjoying both physical and emotional intimacy, and where I’ve been successful in pushing these feelings down for a number of years, just recently something has pinged in my brain and I have started to seriously consider separating from my husband in order to pursue a life with a woman. It’s all consuming and I am finding it hard to think of anything else.

Trouble is, I don’t have a woman. Ive never even kissed a woman. I have always felt cheating is diabolical and so through this bi-curiosity on steroids, I feel like I need to end my marriage in order to what feels, right now, like strongly following my heart.

Our child is due to start primary school in September. My husband would be crushed if I ended our marriage, but in time he would cope. Is he in love with me? I wouldn’t say so, but we make a good team and he/we like our comfortable, reliable stable life. He would be devastated not to see our child every day if we split. I would be so sad for our little one for breaking up our family, it’s the main thing that’s stopping me as I can’t bear the thought of them going through a broken home.

But I feel like he deserves better than a wife who daydreams about romantic situations with women and secretly watches WLW relationships on youtube as a coping mechanism.

Sorry it’s long. Has anyone else been through this and done the same? Or have you / did you stay and just tried to make it work for your children? Do I leave even if I never meet a woman??

I'm very risk averse which influences the advice I give. I would say the grass is always greener and comparison is the Thief of Joy. (Was hoping for a third clichéd saying but I can't think of one).

But also don't stay in a marriage where you aren't happy.
Perhaps find a specialist counsellor to talk through it?

Are there any other ways that you could enrich your life such as new hobbies, study or travel?

Why don't you book an escort....female....explore that side then you'll know whether it's for you or not? I don't advocate cheating on anybody but if you don't try you'll drive yourself mad and maybe leave a good man for something you don't even want

I haven't been through this, but I did leave my husband of 15 years almost 2 years ago now. It was simply because I was unfulfilled and I wanted more from a relationship. I had fallen out of love with him, despite still liking him as a person. We have one child together.

I left and I have never looked back. He was crushed, but is now in a happy relationship. Our son came to terms with it through our help. We spent a lot of time reassuring and support him. We still do. He's happy and thriving.

Life is too short to just settle. One day, we will die, it's inevitable. Don't get to the finish line and regret.

Being bi is the part you are focusing on and that probably isn’t the problem.
It’s a convenient distraction from looking at the reality of your situation because if you were happy with him then being attracted to anyone else (including women) wouldn’t affect your wanting to be in your relationship. Loads of people find others attractive but have no interest in being with them.

many many women and men can be and are attracted to both sexes but be completely content with the life partner they have chosen.

you need to remove this aspect from the equation just for a minute and then look at your relationship.

are you happy in it?

if not why not? By that I mean are there things going on that you both can work on to make it work again?

do you want to be in it? It is ok to not want to even if there is no reason except you just don’t.

ultimately if you aren’t happy with him that is the problem and you need to decide if you want to stay in the relationship. You either want to be with him or you don’t and I understand that it can be difficult to know for certain. If you don’t though it’s not fair to keep him tethered to you and deny him the opportunity to find someone who really wants to be with him.

if you don’t then when you are single you can decide if you want to pursue dating again and include women in the people you date.

for what it’s worth I’m bi. I fall for the person I fall for and when I’m with them I am with them whoever that happens to be!
Unlike you though I suppose I’ve known since I was young so it feels natural to just know and while I don’t go on about it if asked I don’t hide it. My partners know because this stuff comes up naturally in the getting to know you phase usually.

if you had posted that you had realised you were gay then my advice would be different.

can I suggest though it might be worth getting some therapy. Not because there’s something wrong but so you can have a safe space to explore how you feel as just now you are completely alone with everything just swirling around in your head in secret which I think is adding to things and making it feel like this huge big thing rather than it’s a natural part of who you are like the million of other parts that make up the whole you. It might help you to be able to share this part of you too with others if or when you feel ready.

I agree with PP's suggestion of couples therapy. I don't think bisexuality is necessarily the biggest issue here. But I think you need to be honest with your husband about it, and about the other things mentioned here.

See I wonder if you are gay. Have you had these intense feelings for men?

I don’t think it’s as clear cut as that. I definitely still find men attractive, but I don’t think I’ve been overly attracted to lots of people generally in my life, even when I was younger.

I don’t think I described my feelings to pursue a female relationship as intense but maybe the intensity of the feeling has increased over time by the fact that it’s not possible given I am married and it seems out of reach. By the same coin I don’t think the ‘forbidden’ element is what’s driving things here, before there’s a suggestion that I’m just seeking a bit of excitement.

I’m very happy for you that you’re finally able to know who you fully are. It doesn’t really change anything in a practical how you live life day to day sense though does it?

No it might not be the excitement that’s driving it but equally you are obsessing over something that if you were in a good happy place in your relationship would be irrelevant because you would have no interest in wanting someone outside of your relationship. It would be nice thing to think about without any interest in actually having it. Like when you think about on a cold day oh it would be lovely to lie on a beach today’s but you don’t then jump to moving to a tropical island.

like I said I my last post you need to look at the bigger picture here. At your relationship and your life in general to see why you are not content with what you have.
i can see by the fact that you are only interacting with content that addresses the sexuality element that you may not want to but ultimately everything is going to stay exactly as it is with you being increasingly uncomfortable and unhappy until you do.

from what I can see from your last post this seems to be a classic case of the grass is always greener thinking. it happens to include women in your scenario but you could insert a thousand different I could do, be, have, be with, live, if I wasn’t married. The thinking would be the same just the details would be different.

I really do wish the best for you though. Whatever that looks like. If that’s in your marriage or single or finding a woman or even just being part of a community that you have not felt aloud to be part of.

Sorry but I absolutely can't get on board with this. You're suggested a married person hires a sex worker to have some secret assignations - of course you're advocating cheating. If OP is unfulfilled in her marriage (beyond the average) and wants to explore sexual relationships outside of it, she needs to open the marriage up or separate. There's no way it's okay to fuck around behind her DH's back just because it's another woman so doesn't count in some way.

OP, only you can know how big an issue this really is. Being in peri myself, I know my sexual side has ramped up in all kinds of ways that it wasn't a few years ago post-kids and fully expect it to subside again later, depending on what I do HRT-wise. So that's a factor. Also if you're bi, that doesn't mean you can't be happy with your DH or that you'd be happier with a female DP, or with no DP and playing the field. As others have said, the grass isn't always greener and every relationship passes that initial hot phase and becomes a longer journey. Your marriage sounds good in some ways and lacking in others, which is often the case. It's up to you to weigh up whether it's lacking so much that you need to leave it behind and start a new chapter. But you have to be single to do that, unless your DH is on board with you exploring more, which I suspect isn't likely - though it could be more likely than the other way around (i.e. how cool would you be if your DH decided he wanted to go and have sex with men to try it out?).

Perhaps you need to have some sex counselling sessions with a decent therapist (my friend recently trained as one so good ones do exist) to really get to grips with your thoughts on this. Otherwise you've no idea if it will be a huge mistake or the making of you, or more likely somewhere in between - a difficult, painful choice which will also have its rewards.

(Should have added - I have friends who have done this in middle-age, split with their DHs and are now happily settled with female DPs. However in those cases, the marriages were not working anyway for both sides and it was clear they were unhappy and needed to split and be on their own and only then were they ready to look for other partners. It wasn't about sex in the first instance or about that in any large part at all.)

I can relate to the bi curiosity but i could never tear my child's life apart for the sake of sex! As the child of divorced parents i really do think it should be the last port of call because of how crucial a stable family life is for kids current and future wellbeing. I would say first port of call is to go all in on fixing your marriage. You may find your focus on bisexuality completely disappears when your relationship is happier. Thats what i found.

As in, obviously you will still be bi but it will no longer consume you as you'll feel happy and fulfilled where you are.

Maybe talk to your husband about how you feel for starters. He might give you a pass. A lot of men don’t like the idea of their women with another man but would be ok with another woman. I would discuss it with him before breaking up the family. Maybe you can come to some kind of arrangement that works for you both.

Is it more the emotional intimacy you desire? And have maybe only ever experienced that with women?

I am bi/pansexual.
I never really found anyone super duper attractive growing up I'm not sure I get that physical lust the same as others do. What I have craved is deep intimate connection. Long deep chats. Emotional safety. Intelligence and emotional intelligence. Seeing someone grow and evolve. That's what sets my heart alight. Not things we generally see from men unfortunately. I was about to divorce my husband he was so shut down and switched off I couldn't live my life that lonely.

He has done lots of therapy and continues to, as do I. Suddenly its like he is awake. It's worlds apart to before. Not everything is solved for me I still wonder about my sexuality but best of all I know have a partner who wants to discuss it all with me and understand. Not in a threatening don't leave me way but a genuine we want eachother to be happy and understand eachother. True intimacy and great communication can also make sex really wonderful.

I'd highly recommend some counselling with a good counsellor so you can explore and unpick what's going on for you and then inviting your partner to discuss and get on the same page. Then perhaps couples counselling/both individual counselling to support both of you as you go forward.

Life's too short to be unhappy, but you need to start at the beginning to figure it all out before making big decisions.

I only replied to the most recent post on the thread, not because I’m “only interacting with content about the sexuality element”. But that is a big driver here, so of course I am going to address it?

There’s some food for thought in these comments. I’d hoped maybe there was someone else who had been through the same scenario to see what they did; finding out later in life once married has been a confusing time. I do agree that keeping it to myself isn’t helping. But it would be friends first.

Maybe in time I will tell my husband and see how the land lies. For all I know he could be feeling a sense of unfulfilment - we just never know do we. A few years ago before our child was born he probably would’ve accepted we weren’t crazy in love but loving, faithful companions as many people are. He possibly does feel that - I’m guessing - but he would be unhappy at us not being in our home together as a family unit.

Some of the comments here have made me feel a bit bad about myself for even considering ending our marriage, but on the whole the comments have given me some things to mull over.

This is fantastic advice.

You sound very similar to how I was in my early 20's (now early 40's)

After a Long term relationship with a man, split up and have been in relationships with women since.

I found myself knowing I wanted to spend my life long term with a female partner, as if this was the only man I would ever be with. It's like a desire that can't be rationally explained.

I can't honestly say what I would have done had I been married with a child, I do however know it's not something that went away and as I've grown older I can still find men attractive but don't have that same level of attraction I have to women.

It's a really hard place to be in, especially as like you said you don't know how you will feel unless you experience being with a woman.

My advice would be to treat it as two separate decisions, one are you happy in your marriage? Two if the answer is no explore being with women after ending you split up.

I also believe fundamentally we have to trust our instincts, the fact you have taken time to come on here and ask strangers for advice suggests to me you aren't truly happy.

There's nothing wrong with admitting that, don't live with regrets. You deserve happiness just as much as your husband and child do.

Really? I disagree. Two people crushed and one who now has 'never looked back' whatever that means. But hey, life is short so whatever you want right now, just do it

You’re entitled to disagree. Unhappy marriages are incredibly damaging in themselves, and it sounds like the crushed people are doing well now, so not permanently crushed by any means.

It sounds like a fantasy. Partly driven by your reduction in attraction to your husband. The actual reality of dating a woman would be way more complex and have it's own issues.
So the grass is almost certainly not greener.
Do you actively want to pursue another relationship? Whatever sex your potential new partner, it is unfair on your husband if you feel that way and might act on it.

I think breaking up the family over a new obsession would be very selfish.

You would also likely see less of your child. Do you want that?

Before I blew up my marriage, I would have at least a shot at addressing the emotional intimacy thing.

I wonder if there is a possibility that you are taking the fact that you don't feel you have emotional intimacy with your husband and projecting this onto the idea of a relationship with a woman. It would be a perfect relationship because it would give you the thing you are currently hungry for. But women can be emotionally shut down and men can be emotionally open, and a female partner wouldn't be perfect either.

I think you should have some blunt discussions with your husband and tell him that you can't see your way forward in the marriage if he stays so emotionally shut down. Ask him to do some couples counselling with you. It may be that in that you find a way forward together. It may be that you realise you need to split and pursue relationships with women. I'm not judging either way. But my hunch is that you are identifying "being with a woman" and "emotional intimacy needs met" in a way that doesn't necessarily reflect reality.

Good luck.

DOI: bi woman happily married to a man.

My bisexuality has no bearing on my marriage. It’s irrelevant because I love the person I am in a relationship with.

I could be straight, gay or bi and it wouldn’t matter as long as I was monogamous with my partner/spouse. Who else I find sexually attractive isn’t important because I’m not going to do anything about it.

So I don’t think bisexuality is the issue here; I think it’s an unfulfilling marriage.

If you are interested in making your current relationship work I suggest couples therapy. If you’re looking for permission to end your marriage, go for it.

Just be honest with yourself why, and what you are looking for. Otherwise you’ll never find it.

The fantasy may be appealing because it’s just that: a fantasy. Fantasies are flawless. Real life is messy. So if your fantasy becomes reality, it could become messy.

also, whilst you are having these fantasies, you are not giving 100% to your marriage. I appreciate your DH is not open with you emotionally, so neither is he - but I’m trying to focus on you here.

I cannot imagine having only 50% of the time with my child, for the reason that I wanted to explore my fantasy. Can you really tolerate that?

also anecdotally it seems quite common for women to leave marriages to be with other women around peri/meno. So watch out. It could be a hormonal thing.

clearly you could go exploring with a woman if you didn’t have a husband or child. But you do.

personally I would try to have a serious conversation with DH to try and make your marriage better. Without mentioning being bi. Marriages have ups and downs. It’s not easy. Any new relationship obviously starts in the honeymoon phase so it’s not really a fair comparison.