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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted by own family !

46 replies

ghostedornc · 21/01/2025 16:30

We moved last year a long way from where all my family live.
They weren’t happy and I’ve really tried to keep in touch. They haven’t gone NC with me but are ghosting me??

If I call or send a message they will respond but with the least amount of words possible !!

It was my birthday yesterday (40) and …..nothing. This is in addition to nothing at Christmas not a card, gift or message.

I get that they were irritated I moved but I made the decision that was best for my family.

Do I take it a step further and in response to their ghosting me go NC with them ?

OP posts:
Largestlegocollectionever · 21/01/2025 16:32

Depends who in your family it is, what effort you’ve made with them, how often you contact and what visits you’ve made to back where your family is?

SpryCat · 21/01/2025 16:33

I would take no notice, you made the decision which was best for your own family so let them sulk.

thistimelastweek · 21/01/2025 16:44

Strange sort of family that only wants to love and know you if you live round the corner.

I would be very hurt by this. Perhaps reach out to your closest family member to clear the air. Depending on the response, you can only leave them to it.

Original poster
ghostedornc · 21/01/2025 16:51

Largestlegocollectionever · 21/01/2025 16:32

Depends who in your family it is, what effort you’ve made with them, how often you contact and what visits you’ve made to back where your family is?

Mother, siblings (2 sisters 1 brother), aunt and uncle.

I’ve said so many times about visiting and asked for dates that are good for them and they say ‘ok’ then don’t get back to me . I can’t drive 4 hours if it’s not convenient as it will be a massive waste of time.
A lot of the time if I call any of them they don’t answer and send a message saying ‘busy will be in touch ‘ or just ‘busy’ then they never call back.

OP posts:
redgingerbread · 21/01/2025 16:55

Your mum and siblings haven’t even bothered with a card for your 40th? That’s terrible, OP - I would be really hurt. I hope you have some other nicer people in your life!

Original poster
ghostedornc · 21/01/2025 16:57

redgingerbread · 21/01/2025 16:55

Your mum and siblings haven’t even bothered with a card for your 40th? That’s terrible, OP - I would be really hurt. I hope you have some other nicer people in your life!

Yes I’m very hurt. I kept thinking all day that surely they’d call / text but nothing

OP posts:
Sorchamarie · 21/01/2025 16:58

How did they all treat you before you moved, OP? It makes all the difference as to what you can put their lack of communication now down to. If they used to treat you with love and respect then perhaps they're just sad about you not being around and missing you and they're dealing with that (badly) by withdrawing from you. The alternative, sadly, is they're just not nice people at all. 😢

Sorchamarie · 21/01/2025 16:59

Forgot I could edit my message! Sorry!

Relaxd · 21/01/2025 17:01

Sounds awful and highlights their controlling behaviour and lack of common sense as they could try and make better of the situation as plenty of ways to keep in touch etc. It is not unreasonable to want to be freely able to make (even unpopular) decisions without fear of being ghosted. Punishing you is controlling and even abusive if they are isolating you and giving you the silent treatment long term. I suspect these cases demonstrate that your family wrongly assumed they had a right to a say in your decisions - confusing this with the right to have an opinion on them. Just try and carry on as best you can for now and don’t sink to their level by going nc.

ScupperedbytheSea · 21/01/2025 17:02

That must be incredibly hurtful. People move away from their families for all sorts of reasons. It takes a hard-hearted person to act in the way your family have.

Is there more to this dynamic? Were either of your parents controlling when you were younger?

Is it possible that one of them is trying to exert control now (and other family members are going along with it for an easy life?)

Original poster
ghostedornc · 21/01/2025 17:03

Sorchamarie · 21/01/2025 16:58

How did they all treat you before you moved, OP? It makes all the difference as to what you can put their lack of communication now down to. If they used to treat you with love and respect then perhaps they're just sad about you not being around and missing you and they're dealing with that (badly) by withdrawing from you. The alternative, sadly, is they're just not nice people at all. 😢

Edited

They were quite demanding and I always had to be very mindful of protecting my boundaries . For example I would be told that I had to help DM with lifts etc to appts and general care and yes I was happy to do some but not all. If I said yes all was calm, if I said I was busy or couldn’t and she had to get a taxi or pay a cleaner etc I was told I wasn’t putting the family first.
When I first said I was thinking of moving they kept saying that the whole family has always lived in the same area and it shouldn’t change. They didn’t once say they’d miss me !

OP posts:
NewNameFor2025 · 21/01/2025 17:05

A four hour drive?

I used to do a three hour drive (and back) for a day trip to visit a relative!

I’m on the ‘let them sulk’ side too. You’ve not moved that far really, have you. I completely understand you can’t just go on the off chance they’ll be in, but they are being very silly.

Original poster
ghostedornc · 21/01/2025 17:07

NewNameFor2025 · 21/01/2025 17:05

A four hour drive?

I used to do a three hour drive (and back) for a day trip to visit a relative!

I’m on the ‘let them sulk’ side too. You’ve not moved that far really, have you. I completely understand you can’t just go on the off chance they’ll be in, but they are being very silly.

I half thought maybe I should just go and turn up but the worry of just being ignored on the doorstep makes me feel upset

OP posts:
NewNameFor2025 · 21/01/2025 17:10

“When I first said I was thinking of moving they kept saying that the whole family has always lived in the same area and it shouldn’t change.”

That’s really weird thinking. Nothing wrong with moving to a different area at all. It seems like you’ve ‘disobeyed’ them. I’d crack on with doing your own thing. You can only flog a dead horse so many times.

Sorchamarie · 21/01/2025 17:11

Definitely sounds like they're punishing you for not being at their beck and call then. 😣 I'm sorry your family are treating you like this. I hope you find peace and healing with whatever decision you come to regarding staying in contact with your family. ❤️

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 21/01/2025 17:13

So, when you lived close by - did your family do favours for you? Did they invite you round and cook for you (just for the pleasure of your company, not when they wanted you to do something)? Did they get you thoughtful gifts for your birthday last year?

Because a pp asked how they treated you and you've only said that they demanded a lot of favours from you. So if your relationship consisted of you doing things for them, and now you live 4 hours away and can't do those things, then there's nothing left.

Dont just drive there - wait for them to ask. If they don't - it's hurtful but probably better to focus on making good friends where you live now.

Sorchamarie · 21/01/2025 17:13

Thought of something else....you mentioned having two sisters and a brother. Have the same demands been made of all of them too, in regards to all the expectations of help your mother is requiring of you?

Sorchamarie · 21/01/2025 17:20

Oh, and happy birthday! I hope you had a nice day despite your family being so very unkind in not contacting. May your 40's be your best decade yet, surrounded by people who genuinely care for and love you. 💐🎁🎉❤️

Original poster
ghostedornc · 21/01/2025 17:22

I would always get cards for birthday and Christmas and chocolate of some sort for a gift. So nothing huge but still something. They’ve stopped cards for the dc too.
I think it’s as you say I’ve lost my usefulness now by moving and that’s why they are being like this.
My siblings would always say they were so busy with work and I actually didn’t mind helping out when I could but that was never appreciated it was as if they didn’t see what I did only what I didn’t do !

OP posts:
Rhaidimiddim · 21/01/2025 17:30

ghostedornc · 21/01/2025 17:03

They were quite demanding and I always had to be very mindful of protecting my boundaries . For example I would be told that I had to help DM with lifts etc to appts and general care and yes I was happy to do some but not all. If I said yes all was calm, if I said I was busy or couldn’t and she had to get a taxi or pay a cleaner etc I was told I wasn’t putting the family first.
When I first said I was thinking of moving they kept saying that the whole family has always lived in the same area and it shouldn’t change. They didn’t once say they’d miss me !

Show quote history

Ah, so they've lost a resource and are angry that you've escaped their control.

I would let them go. Hard as it might sound.

If they are only prepared to treat you like family if you put them and first and adhete to their idea if how family behaves they are a tad toxic.

Sorchamarie · 21/01/2025 17:36

I'm reluctant to suggest going full non contact based on your replies as I can't work out if your family is truly toxic and that you're actually the family scapegoat, but just don't see it because you've been conditioned (like everyone has) to believe your family dynamic is normal. The complete lack of contact on your 40th birthday and no longer making an effort for your children, along with the seemingly rather one-sided relationships where you seem to make all the effort, are pretty bad signs though, unfortunately.

Is there any chance you could afford some therapy, OP? Otherwise keep talking on here and hopefully things will become clearer for you.

OliveOil2 · 21/01/2025 17:37

Do you think they may have been hurt that you didn't visit them at Christmas? (Sounds like that if they didn't send a message?)

Chocolatey1234 · 21/01/2025 17:39

In that case OP you are well shot.

It sounds like they would do the minimum for you but expected you to do almost everything for them. Now you have moved away with good reason they are annoyed and upset you have escaped control.

I think they either think so little of you they won’t pay for a stamp or postage or make the effort to return your calls because they are weirdly trying to hurt you, guilt you and manipulate you into moving back to be under their control again so they can bring you back in line.

Invest your time and energies into your family your new area and making friends and interests there. Don’t give your family the satisfaction of knowing you are hurt or upset. They really don’t deserve it and do deserve each other.

pictoosh · 21/01/2025 17:40

This is a dreadful shame, they are behaving really badly.

oakleaffy · 21/01/2025 17:41

ghostedornc · 21/01/2025 16:57

Yes I’m very hurt. I kept thinking all day that surely they’d call / text but nothing

Show quote history

That is seriously nasty of them- I’m sorry they are being sullen sulky assholes about your move .

Anyone would be hurt by that.

MARD arses.