Page 2 | Ghosted by own family !

ghostedornc · 2025-01-21T16:30:55+00:00

We moved last year a long way from where all my family live. They weren’t happy and I’ve really tried to keep in touch. They haven’t gone NC with me but are ghosting me?? If I call or send a message they will respond but with the least amount of words possible !! It was my birthday yesterday (40) and …..nothing. This is in addition to nothing at Christmas not a card, gift or message. I get that they were irritated I moved but I made the decision that was best for my family. Do I take it a step further and in response to their ghosting me go NC with them ?

WingingItSince1973 · 21/01/2025 17:45

They are sulking and behaving like petulant children. How dare you move away and not be at their beck and call? Despite having other siblings who can do their share. I would just ignore them. They are petty and mean and showing their true colours. It's upsetting to see family act this way but try and just get on with settling into your new area and make some lovely friends for you and the children and just let them sulk.

CautiousLurker01 · 21/01/2025 17:47

ghostedornc · 21/01/2025 17:03

They were quite demanding and I always had to be very mindful of protecting my boundaries . For example I would be told that I had to help DM with lifts etc to appts and general care and yes I was happy to do some but not all. If I said yes all was calm, if I said I was busy or couldn’t and she had to get a taxi or pay a cleaner etc I was told I wasn’t putting the family first.
When I first said I was thinking of moving they kept saying that the whole family has always lived in the same area and it shouldn’t change. They didn’t once say they’d miss me !

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Having seen this update - I’d ghost them back. They weren’t very nice people and clearly used you or abused you when you didn’t dance to their tune. Their ignoring of you now is deliberately abusive behaviour. Let them go as they clearly offer nothing to you and your family that doesn’t come without strings.

HoppityBun · 21/01/2025 17:50

You’re hurt by their LC so thinking that in retaliation you’ll go NC? How would that help? You’re clearly wanting more contact, not less and a surgical excision of your family will not heal your pain.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 21/01/2025 17:59

Oh, no, don't "go NC".

All you've got to do is mirror their effort. Send a nice text message with a picture of your kids and don't send another until they send you a nice message back. Phone for a chat and then wait until they take their turn and phone you. Make one offer to visit and ask for some dates, and wait for their enthusiastic invitation. Etc.

If they choose not to contact you, well, let them.

doitwithlove · 21/01/2025 18:05

Happy Birthday 🌻

If they have not got back to you re visiting, leave it at that.

Treat yourself to something nice for your birthday, only has to be a small thing.

Tell yourself every-time you think of them this was there decision to not be in touch, not yours.

We all have times of over analysing these things with no answers. With time it should get easier

Original poster

ghostedornc · 21/01/2025 18:20

OliveOil2 · 21/01/2025 17:37

Do you think they may have been hurt that you didn't visit them at Christmas? (Sounds like that if they didn't send a message?)

I asked a few times from October onwards was there a good time I could visit , a particular weekend / school half term etc and DM kept saying she would let me know and didn’t. One of my sisters said she might be busy so wasn’t sure. Nobody else replied . I sent cards to them all and voucher each which is what I usually did . Nobody said thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

ghostedornc · 21/01/2025 18:22

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 21/01/2025 17:59

Oh, no, don't "go NC".

All you've got to do is mirror their effort. Send a nice text message with a picture of your kids and don't send another until they send you a nice message back. Phone for a chat and then wait until they take their turn and phone you. Make one offer to visit and ask for some dates, and wait for their enthusiastic invitation. Etc.

If they choose not to contact you, well, let them.

I think that’s what will happen it will end up NC but just due to their inaction rather than me making the decision.

OP posts:

Original poster

ghostedornc · 21/01/2025 18:23

HoppityBun · 21/01/2025 17:50

You’re hurt by their LC so thinking that in retaliation you’ll go NC? How would that help? You’re clearly wanting more contact, not less and a surgical excision of your family will not heal your pain.

Not retaliation as such just to protect myself as I thought if I set that boundary at least I know what to expect somehow ? I’m not really sure it’s just made me feel a bit lost I think.

OP posts:

Holesintheground · 21/01/2025 18:28

What's the chance that if your mum reaches the point of needing a lot more help, eg hospital admission or something, it'll be your fault for not being there.

They all sound awful. Are you liking your new home town and life there? If so I wouldn't be rushing back. Plus obviously don't get anymore cards or vouchers for their birthdays now they've let you down for yours.

Itiswhysofew · 21/01/2025 18:30

How odd for a family to react in such a way. You've done what's best for you and this is how they treat you!

From the sounds of it, you're no longer useful to them, therefore, they don't bother with you. That's really hurtful, OP.

I'd not make an effort with them.

ClioMuse · 21/01/2025 18:39

Oh dear OP. I have this sort of family - the silent treatment, instrumental relationships, will hurdle any boundaries that you set. I let them go and just did my own thing - it's very hard because I would like a close family relationship but I can only work with what I've got!

As Mel Robbins suggests - Let them

nodramaplz · 21/01/2025 18:42

Either they are heartless cuñțs or there's a whole back story we didn't get

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 21/01/2025 18:44

Do not waste your petrol by turning up to visit as a ' surprise '

Concentrate on your own family - the family you live with and gave birth to, not the family you were part of. You have moved on.

hairbearbunches · 21/01/2025 19:04

OP, you need to get yourself a copy of the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I just read it in 3 days. It is a revelation.

It sounds like you have an enmeshed family and now that you've physically broken away from it, you're being punished.

I cannot recommend this book enough. I wish I'd read it sooner. I picked one up second hand for less than a fiver.

Happy Birthday.

dappledgreyandwhite · 21/01/2025 19:16

Op, you were the assigned dogs body/carer and they won’t be able to inconvenience your siblings apparently because they are too busy 🫥 So in their minds you have caused a problem, as you are not doing as you are told.

This happened to me. My mother especially could not get past it. The bitterness and resentment was awful. She did still send gifts but nothing else - I am so sorry your parents are punishing you like this. It is devastating to feel almost abandoned in this way. Silent treatment is abusive op. It’s a way of controlling and manipulating and is unlikely to get better.

I would second counselling. I think you are about to uncover a very sad truth about your family, and the fact they have also done this to your children is really unforgivable.

15 years on, my mother refuses to come, refuses to even phone me, she has cut me off multiple times over the years for months on end - once it was nearly a year. I would like to say it gets better, and maybe it will be for you, but you have to be prepared that it may not. This might be the relationship going forward now you have had the audacity to live your own life. Focus on new friends and let them get on with their grudges op.

Chocolatey1234 · 21/01/2025 19:55

My family are similar OP. Now my usefulness has expired and I have been replaced. The phone only seems to work if I call DM the same with texting although occasionally she will send a short text to try and hook me back in. As soon as I let my guard down the backhanded compliments, criticisms, guilt trips and nastiness roll off her tongue.

If I offer to visit or take her out I am often regularly put off or knocked back. I work part time and have my own family so I can only visit when I am off. But she makes it so difficult. It is almost like if you want to see me or take me out and have my company. Then I am doing you a favour so you have to jump through every obstacle and hurdle I put in the way. Then I get slagged off for not visiting. I am matching her effort now. Its hard and its not the relationship I want but it is all I have.

Take care OP.

dappledgreyandwhite · 21/01/2025 20:09

Chocolatey1234 · 21/01/2025 19:55

My family are similar OP. Now my usefulness has expired and I have been replaced. The phone only seems to work if I call DM the same with texting although occasionally she will send a short text to try and hook me back in. As soon as I let my guard down the backhanded compliments, criticisms, guilt trips and nastiness roll off her tongue.

If I offer to visit or take her out I am often regularly put off or knocked back. I work part time and have my own family so I can only visit when I am off. But she makes it so difficult. It is almost like if you want to see me or take me out and have my company. Then I am doing you a favour so you have to jump through every obstacle and hurdle I put in the way. Then I get slagged off for not visiting. I am matching her effort now. Its hard and its not the relationship I want but it is all I have.

Take care OP.

It’s disappointing that they are not more loving or caring. It’s hard to live with sometimes. It’s also humiliating being the only one that calls or cares. I guess that’s the point.

SpryCat · 25/01/2025 10:46

Look up enmeshed families, you’ve moved away so you’ve betrayed the family values as you put your own needs before them. You escaped and are no use to them as in an enmeshed family there is always a matriarch or two and all the other members of the family sole purpose in life is to go above and beyond so the matriarchs never have to feel responsible for their own actions, that their needs are always taken care of by other people and everyone has to jump through hoops to keep them happy. If one of you dares to put your own needs/desires first then that person gets ostracised or bullied until they can’t bear it anymore and steps back into line. Enmeshed family condition you to be an empty vessel at a young age so your own needs are forgotten and they fill you with their own needs that you have to spend the rest of your life managing their needs, any ambitions, and points of view that differ are viewed as betrayal because you are only allowed to be an extension of them and not your own person.

DancingFerret · 25/01/2025 11:32

In their eyes, OP, you ran away and left them to shoulder the load of looking after your DM. I doubt you'll be forgiven. In these situations, you just have to accept you'll be the subject of family gossip for years to come and simply get on with your life.

winter8090 · 25/01/2025 12:09

I'm not surprised that you are upset.

It does sound like they are intentionally freezing you out.

I think you need to get your mum on her own. Tell her how upset you are (think of a few examples of what has upset you - no birthday card, not returning calls etc.) and ask what you have done to upset them.

Chocolatey1234 · 25/01/2025 19:24

SpryCat · 25/01/2025 10:46

Look up enmeshed families, you’ve moved away so you’ve betrayed the family values as you put your own needs before them. You escaped and are no use to them as in an enmeshed family there is always a matriarch or two and all the other members of the family sole purpose in life is to go above and beyond so the matriarchs never have to feel responsible for their own actions, that their needs are always taken care of by other people and everyone has to jump through hoops to keep them happy. If one of you dares to put your own needs/desires first then that person gets ostracised or bullied until they can’t bear it anymore and steps back into line. Enmeshed family condition you to be an empty vessel at a young age so your own needs are forgotten and they fill you with their own needs that you have to spend the rest of your life managing their needs, any ambitions, and points of view that differ are viewed as betrayal because you are only allowed to be an extension of them and not your own person.

That sounds like my own family @SpryCat I have been treat badly and backed off and have finally in my fifties started to put my needs and the family I created first. I have now beed ostracised for visiting less. I think they hope this will bring me back into line. My mum and either DSIS or DN must be the matriarchs probably DN.

I haven’t gone NC but I have really backed off which has thrown them off kilter completely but its been very freeing for me. I will look up enmeshed families.

My DC are off at Uni living their best lives and DM and DSIS make snide comments inferring that they don’t love me enough or I can’t have been a good enough mother if they don’t want to come back more often. Unlike DN with DSIS.