Sleep in same bed or not?

[fedup2471]

Do you sleep in the same bed as your partners?

If so, how would you feel if they no longer wanted to?

Use to sleep together every night. Now OH struggles to sleep. He sleeps very lightly. He can't stand the slightest noise.
So now sleep apart.
Not my choice... his.

I feel so sad & lonely inside. I want to feel his warmth & hugs etc. yes I've told him this & I've even cried to him. Nothing changes.

AIBU?

What support do you want? For him to do the weekend nights for example? Be clear and communicate, it sounds like the issue is resentment about doing nights (fair enough!) as much as anything. Take it you are on mat leave?

Re your original question: no I would not be happy to sleep separately from spouse, feel it would destroy intimacy

What is a solution? Ear plugs for him? 2 singles (with own duvets) pushed together?
A friend who is a poor sleeper shares a bed with her DH but separate duvets and that helps

I'm not on MAT leave I work for myself from home so still working.
Baby is 2 weeks old.
My partner is self employed too but he's off until feb. But still needs his sleep?

I'm running on no sleep. Still working. Still doing school run for other children. The lot.
He's good with the baby in the day but that's it.

Yanoe, I can deal with being super woman. I'm strong. I'll do the nights I'll do it all but superwoman needs a cuddle at night and some understanding. I don't even want him to take half the load at night. I just want him to love me

With your last update: sounds like your partner is being a selfish jerk

Time to insist he does some of the nights. No one likes no sleep but if he’s off work he can share the load

Why didn’t you mention any of this in your original post? You’ve wasted people’s time by leaving out the fact that you have a newborn.

We don't live together but even when my SO stays over he sleeps in the guest room. Obviously we spend time in ved together but sleep better apart.

OP, sleep quality has a massive impact on health and longevity.

You should never, ever guilt someone for prioritizing health and wellbeing. That's super selfish and needy.

You're a grown woman who surely can restrain yourself from pleading and crying. Do you really think that makes you a good or appealing partner??

If you don't believe he loves you why are you having children with him???

Sacrificing sleep is not proof of love.

She’s a grown woman who’s exhausted by being up all night with a newborn and then working all day, and is now feeling rejected to boot.

We don’t, we both disturb each other if we do. Cuddle in bed together until just about drifting off and again for a bit in the morning before getting up for work. It’s only the actual sleep but we’re separate. Works for us

So your dh is off work and not doing any nights with the baby?
I ebf but dh still used to take the baby and settle him so I could go straight back to sleep.
If he’s not doing school run then that disgusting.
You need a serious discussion.

I've just sloped off to the spare room because DP is one of those annoying pug type snorers and I'm having a hot sweat!

We do always go to bed together but a few nights a week, I end up in the spare room with the window wide open.

I would love separate rooms sadly not a big enough house. In your case I would be annoyed. Is he trying to get out of parenting?

My dh takes up so much space in the bed, fidgets and snores, that I struggle to sleep when he's in there. Thankfully he works shifts during the week so we aren't in the bed at the same time. By the end of the weekend I have a headache due to lack of sleep. I wish we had a spare room I could have as my own. I don't think he'd be overly happy as he says he wants to continue sleeping together. But when we retire in 6 years time I'm going to have to have a frank conversion with him

Your husband is being a prick. Well for him sleeping in a room by himself while you take care of a newborn and then have to get up and bring your kids to school.

I’m guessing he’ll be back in your bed when he wants sex.

I wouldn’t tolerate his behaviour and would add him to leave.

We have had separate rooms for several years now and both love it

Wtf? If you're currently working and he's not, why are you doing all the nights and the school run?? He sounds like a selfish dick.

Why are you missing someone who is behaving like an arsehole? He’s no support and you still want to sleep next to him?! I couldn’t even stand to hear him breathe.

Harsh. She's allowed to have feelings.

You might have wanted to mention that in your OP.

Try reading the full thread.

So he's not working so presumably not earning so what's the point of him if he's not helping either?

I was going to say it's fine to sleep alone but reading your updates it's clear that isn't the problem here. He's shirking his parenting and not supporting the mother of his child.

You need to nip this in the bud NOW or it becomes a president. Put the baby in his room if you are not breastfeeding. Stop doing all housework if you are breastfeeding. Give him the baby in the evenings and go to bed early. Stand your ground and tell him this isn't the life you signed up to he has to change or you will have to make a change..... him gone

If he’s a light sleeper then he can do his share of night feeds or helping with the baby.

be could try magnesium before bed to help with a better sleep - my partner takes it and it helps him massively.

he could also suck it up. you go back to your comfy bed. He can always sleep elsewhere.

but really if he’s not happy - what’s he doing to improve things?

I have had several LTRs (which I am classing here as two years or more, and living together).

In only one did we sleep apart. His choice - he struggled with insomnia. But I also felt it was a power game to a degree. Either way it was a death knell to put relationship. To me, the shared intimacy of going to sleep together, waking together, being able to reach for them in the night after a nightmare or if you wake unwell or in pain - it's essential.

Funnily enough, I am currently hoping to rekindle my relationship with my most recent ex (not the one mentioned above who insisted on different rooms) who I consider the love of my life. He stayed over for the first time in many months recently - I am in a new flat - and he mentioned that the bed felt too small. (It's a double rather than a king). I could simply go and sleep in one of the other rooms for the time being - but rather than do that I will look at buying a bigger bed and have already started looking - even tho he will only be here some weekends for the time being, and it's early days etc. Because to me, spending the night together is an ESSENTIAL part of a relationship. If we don't share a bed I simply don't think it will work.

Clearly others think differently - this thread shows that.

If it's essential to you OP, you would be quite right to make that clear to your partner. It's completely valid to have non-negotiables. Going forwards, this will always be one of mine.

A friend and her husband have always had separate rooms. He snores and tends to keep late hours (he's a musician) and she's up early. Now they keep separate houses! Works for them (they are still very much married).
I'm a widow now but my DH ran hot - like a furnace - and I don't like physical contact trying to sleep, it makes my skin itch or something. Even my dog (on the bed with me now) has to stay down the end.
But I loved him being there and while I like having a big bed to myself neither of us would accept being apart.

You're willing to have terrible sleep for six more years? Don't you worry about the consequences for your health?