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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friend is a user

30 replies

Tursl · 21/01/2025 13:32

I met a friend through my ex partner as our boyfriends were best friends. I don’t see her often as she is quite flaky. She will cancel 50% of the time and usually on the day as she is always ill.

I am getting a bid fed up of her. The last 3 times we have been out she has this habit of saying let’s take turns a to pay for meals but I always end up paying as she lies and says she will
pay next time. She doesn’t work so seems to think she can get free meals out of people. I personally am happy to eat at home and meet for a drink instead to save money.

Recently I introduced her to a guy as I thought they were quite similar. I introduced them at a walk and they met on their own recently. He is besotted with her. She made him pay for the meal and drinks. He isn’t working due to disability then when she gets home she said it was friendship. He said he has never had a friend expect people to pay for them and struggles on a reduced income. It was unfair as she blatantly used him. All she ever asks him is money questions and about his house.

It was her birthday recently and she asked this guy to go bowling even though she met him twice and I never even got invited out. I dropped a birthday card off late at her house as the next day I was travelling early so could not have seen her. I sent a birthday message and FB post as people do.

This guy is besotted with her and she has been messaging him since her birthday. She is leading him to be honest and I have warned him to be careful. I find her strange as when she drops a card off for me she hounds me asking if I got it as she wants loads of praise and yet I send one, she says nothing.

Just fed up of being used. I feel quite insulted she out a stranger before me for a birthday celebration.

OP posts:
OliveThe0therReindeer · 21/01/2025 13:37

She’s unreliable and uses people so you decided to introduce her to another of your friends? Why on earth would you do that?

And now you are interfering in their relationship , which is none of your business.

Butt out, fade her out of your life and choose better friends in future.

TwistedWonder · 21/01/2025 13:40

She’s not a friend, she’s a freeloader out for what she can get from people.

Id drop her from your life asap.

As for the guy well he’s been warned so you can do no more but just get her out of your life

lucky111 · 21/01/2025 13:44

I agree she sounds like a user
I’ve had similar people in my life before and I always end up moving on because you just don’t need that kind of energy in your life

CeffylCoch · 21/01/2025 15:31

Just stop bothering with her, she will move on to someone else

purplecorkheart · 21/01/2025 15:40

She is a user. I most certainly would not have introduced her to your friend who sounds very vulnerable.

Drop her and tell your friend what you are doing and why.

Lurkingandlearning · 21/01/2025 15:45

I agree with @purplecorkheart. Why on earth would you introduce her to anyone?

Mary46 · 21/01/2025 15:52

Yes users not for me either. Op call out this behaviour otherwise they keep doing it.

CulturalNomad · 21/01/2025 15:59

Posts like this baffle me. You met this woman thru an ex-boyfriend. You don't see her often and describe her as "flaky". You'd rather not go out with her as she doesn't pay her own way.

She isn't a " friend", she's an acquaintance. Why spend time with someone you clearly don't even like very much, let alone dragging other people into her orbit?

Just end the drama and cut ties with this acquaintance.

Coriol · 21/01/2025 16:01

OP, the only behaviour you can control here is your own. So stop seeing her if it doesn’t bring you any pleasure. Or just meet her for a drink and tell her she owes you several dinners worth of drinks. You can’t stop the besotted guy or her behaviour towards him, or whether he’s prepared to buy her dinner.

I’m not sure I understand the birthday issue — you say you couldn’t have gone bowling anyway as you were travelling next day, so why is her going bowling with the besotted guy instead a problem?

Coriol · 21/01/2025 16:03

CulturalNomad · 21/01/2025 15:59

Posts like this baffle me. You met this woman thru an ex-boyfriend. You don't see her often and describe her as "flaky". You'd rather not go out with her as she doesn't pay her own way.

She isn't a " friend", she's an acquaintance. Why spend time with someone you clearly don't even like very much, let alone dragging other people into her orbit?

Just end the drama and cut ties with this acquaintance.

Also this. You only met her because of two boyfriends neither of you are with any more. There’s no reason to see her if you don’t like her.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 21/01/2025 16:13

I'd be furious with you if I were your male friend - why did you introduce him to her? Now he has to deal with a user, too!

Greyish2025 · 21/01/2025 16:37

Tursl · 21/01/2025 13:32

I met a friend through my ex partner as our boyfriends were best friends. I don’t see her often as she is quite flaky. She will cancel 50% of the time and usually on the day as she is always ill.

I am getting a bid fed up of her. The last 3 times we have been out she has this habit of saying let’s take turns a to pay for meals but I always end up paying as she lies and says she will
pay next time. She doesn’t work so seems to think she can get free meals out of people. I personally am happy to eat at home and meet for a drink instead to save money.

Recently I introduced her to a guy as I thought they were quite similar. I introduced them at a walk and they met on their own recently. He is besotted with her. She made him pay for the meal and drinks. He isn’t working due to disability then when she gets home she said it was friendship. He said he has never had a friend expect people to pay for them and struggles on a reduced income. It was unfair as she blatantly used him. All she ever asks him is money questions and about his house.

It was her birthday recently and she asked this guy to go bowling even though she met him twice and I never even got invited out. I dropped a birthday card off late at her house as the next day I was travelling early so could not have seen her. I sent a birthday message and FB post as people do.

This guy is besotted with her and she has been messaging him since her birthday. She is leading him to be honest and I have warned him to be careful. I find her strange as when she drops a card off for me she hounds me asking if I got it as she wants loads of praise and yet I send one, she says nothing.

Just fed up of being used. I feel quite insulted she out a stranger before me for a birthday celebration.

Yeah she sounds flaky but you don’t really sound like a good friend either by bad mouthing her behind your back, maybe she knows you have a habit of bad mouthing people and that’s why she wants to limit how much she sees you

At the end of the day, why are you calling her a ‘friend’ when you clearly don’t like her?

So many posts on MN about people talking about their friends / best friends / dear friends who they don’t even like!

Do people even understand the definition of friend?

AgentJohnson · 21/01/2025 16:53

You play your part in your relationship dynamic with this woman. She couldn’t repeatedly get you to pay for things if you weren’t willing. Why oh why did you introduce her to someone? You know what she’s like and yet you act like her behaviour is surprising.

Dump her and let the guy know that her behaviour is nothing new.

Oioisavaloy27 · 21/01/2025 16:56

Drop her and move on.

CulturalNomad · 21/01/2025 16:57

So many posts on MN about people talking about their friends / best friends / dear friends who they don’t even like!
Do people even understand the definition of friend?

The definition of "friend" on MN appears to include anyone you've ever casually socialized with (no matter how briefly).🙄

Useful tip: If you don't like someone, hate making plans to see them, they do things that hurt you, you're spending time thinking of ways to "get back at them"... you are not friends. HTH😂

DolceT · 21/01/2025 17:09

Loads of people around like that OP. The trick is to realise that and believe people when they show you who they are and adjust your expectations of them accordingly, and retreat if needed.

She is an acquaintance at best - you've got the measure of her now and it doesn't sound like you like or respect her much so it won't develop into a friendship. She clearly doesn't want to be your friend - she wants to use you and this poor bloke with poor boundaries you introduced her to. Stop bothering with her.

Tursl · 21/01/2025 17:14

I realised it was a bad move now. I didn’t realise she was going to try and financially abuse him. His mother has said this woman doesn’t deserve any meals off him as she knows he is being used. I am going to keep my distance and slow fade because she is just a user who has no care for anyone but herself.

OP posts:
ItGhoul · 21/01/2025 17:34

Why are you friends with someone you really dislike? I genuinely don't get it.

Tursl · 21/01/2025 17:34

ItGhoul · 21/01/2025 17:34

Why are you friends with someone you really dislike? I genuinely don't get it.

She contacts me. I don’t ghost people but I try keep my distance

OP posts:
WeeOrcadian · 21/01/2025 17:39

I cannot understand why you'd introduce this leech to someone who is your friend

Unfortunately really all you can do is warn him and try to make him see the red flags

And don't introduce her to anyone else!

Coriol · 21/01/2025 18:09

Tursl · 21/01/2025 17:34

She contacts me. I don’t ghost people but I try keep my distance

There are many options in between ghosting her and taking her out for dinner and paying.

Kazzybingbong · 25/01/2025 09:11

CulturalNomad · 21/01/2025 15:59

Posts like this baffle me. You met this woman thru an ex-boyfriend. You don't see her often and describe her as "flaky". You'd rather not go out with her as she doesn't pay her own way.

She isn't a " friend", she's an acquaintance. Why spend time with someone you clearly don't even like very much, let alone dragging other people into her orbit?

Just end the drama and cut ties with this acquaintance.

I know this is probably why I have only a couple of actual friends but yes! My best friend is the same one I met in reception class 38 years ago and my other best friend is my husband 🤣 suits me!

sjs42 · 25/01/2025 09:14

Tursl · 21/01/2025 17:34

She contacts me. I don’t ghost people but I try keep my distance

Well perhaps you should ghost people. When they are manipulative thieves, they deserve it - don’t you think?

PainthewholeworldwithaRainbow · 25/01/2025 10:02

MounjaroOnMyMind · 21/01/2025 16:13

I'd be furious with you if I were your male friend - why did you introduce him to her? Now he has to deal with a user, too!

That's his choice .

NWQM · 25/01/2025 11:34

CulturalNomad · 21/01/2025 15:59

Posts like this baffle me. You met this woman thru an ex-boyfriend. You don't see her often and describe her as "flaky". You'd rather not go out with her as she doesn't pay her own way.

She isn't a " friend", she's an acquaintance. Why spend time with someone you clearly don't even like very much, let alone dragging other people into her orbit?

Just end the drama and cut ties with this acquaintance.

Sums it up. Sorry OP but not entirely sure what you are hoping people will say

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