Big row with DH last night....could do with some advice

[PussinJimmyChoos]

Basically things haven't been that great between DH and I lately - we've just had a trip abroad to see MIL but it was quite stressful as I refused to compromise on car seat safety etc which meant that we couldn't go out to as many places as we would wish but DH was quite prepared to not use a car seat so we could go out and the fact that he was prepared to put DS's safety at risk had I allowed it, has really made me and I've been angry with him since we came back from the trip and also disgusted at how quickly he got impatient with DS while we were over there

We were arguing last night and he basically came out with stuff along the lines of he doesn't want to do anything in the house, he just wants to play with DS when it suits him, he hates doing the nursery run...the general gist of it really is that he is finding it really hard being a parent and he said he knows I want another one at some point but he doesn't as he couldn't cope with another c section or chance that I may get PND again blah blah....

He's entitled to his opinion but I'm just as compared to a lot of men, he really doesn't have it hard at all. He comes in from work and most nights DS is all fed and ready for bed, the dinner is on the table (even on the days I'm working as he doesn't cook and he refuses to learn) and most of the kitchen is tidy.

All that's left for him to do is load the dishwasher and do a bit of tidying up afterwards but he makes a huge song and dance about it. I do all the shopping with DS on my non working day, the washing, ironing and cleaning is all done although there are some things I don't get done - bills etc as its hard to use a computer when DS is around and he said that I shouldn't nap when DS naps and should use the time efficiently. I nap when DS naps as it recharges my batteries and gives me the energy to play with him etc - if I do chores when DS asleep, I don't feel as if I've had a break when DS wakes up.

Anyway, I'm struggling to make sense of all this...I sometimes think he would be better off in a flat on his own where he only had himself to deal with because he just can't seem to take the responsibility of anything and at the first sign of hassle or inconvenience, he wants to run a mile!

Your not-so-very d h is being a twonk. How old is ds? It's common for parents of babies to take time to adjust, etc. etc. but I do think he is still being selfish and needs sorting out.

Has he always been like this or has it got worse recently?

He's nearly two. I have noticed with DH throughout our marriage that if anything causes him hassle or inconvenience, he just doesn't want to know so being married/having a DS is probably too much for him! I'm finding it stressful too but I accept thats how it is as a parent of a toddler/working part time and I'm just grateful every day for having DS as he's just magic - even on the stressful days iyswim?

I mean some men have to do a lot more than what DH does and I'm feeling quite neglected as when I have to say look I've done x,y,z so please can you do a,b and c, I feel that he should be doing it without having to be asked because he should be thinking oh she's tired, she's had DS all day and she's done all the cooking and dinner is ready, yet there is no give and take and every day I still have to ask him please lay the table, please get the glasses out etc - surely all this could be pre-empted just to make things easier for me and the fact that he doesn't pre-empt them makes me feel he doesn't care

god he is being a pillock

he tells you when you are allowed to nap?

I have no advice I'm afraid

I would not want him

Dillo - Hiya - how are you? Its got worse recently, after the trip abroad - he was a grumpy bugger and moaned at me for being OTT cos I was worried about letting DS on the balconies (they don't have gardens over there) and apparently, it was embarrassing that I was OTT in front of his family....!

Hey - we're fine, cept ds is ill again.

SO basically he wants a stress free life with no responsibilities and someone else to sort everything out - wouldn't we all.

Has he got a good relationship with his family? Are they quite dominating?

When me and dp are with my mum I try to get him to react like I do to her - just to do whatever she says, no matter how weird or barmy. It's my way of coping with her - to be very passive, but not his. I get upset if he doesn't and it leads to rows. Am wondering if he was brought up in a dominating environment, he copes by going passive and accepting what they want and finds it difficult if you don't do the same (not that you should).

My dh is like this. If I ask him to do something then he complains that I'm always telling him what to do but if I don't ask him then I'd have to do everything myself. I can't win.

He really believes I'm nagging him too which irritates me beyond belief. I'm come to the conclusion that he'll never change and either I have to put up with it or leave.

I wonder some days, I really do.

I would be having several dicky blue fits with my children on a balcony. Not because they are unsafe per se, but because I have no cultural experience of them, so I don't have it 'fixed' in my head that balconies are safe for children, IYSWIM. Yours was a very understandable fear, and to say he was embarrassed about you is just bloody rude. Basically he's saying "my family think you're crap too", just to win some argument.

Dillo - sorry to hear DS is ill - what's up?

Yes, the family are very dominant - Middle Eastern families usually have an opinion on everything and I would say DH is passive with them rather than assertive - if they nag, he can't stand it.

Thing is, I've read nightmare stories about balconies so before we went, I said to him please humour me, I don't want him out on balconies as I worry something could happen so please don't argue with me in front of anyone about it, just back me up and he promised. We went to his bruv's flat which is on the 7/8th floor and they wanted to take him out on the balcony to show him the park outside. I said no as this particular balcony has a wall (albiet reasonably high) but no railings and I just didn't feel comfortable with it. Cue BIL moaning and DH joining in and I got really upset as I felt betrayed as he'd promised me he wouldn't push the issue. He says I was being OTT and that it was embarrassing in front of his family etc. The funny thing was that when I saw some of the other balconies and that they were quite high/safe, I was ok to let DS out there - very closely supervised though. So, it was just that particular balcony.

Anyway, this is just serving as a kind of indicator as it were of how he didn't back me up, let me down and its made me very angry and he says he wouldn't do anything to compromise DS's safety but had I let him, he would have been ok with DS out on every balcony, in a taxi without a car seat etc - just so that there was no hassle and we could go out more blah blah....

PS

His arguement is oh what if I reacted the same to gardens as you did to balconies - gardens are just as unsafe, eating bugs, weedkiller etc and I'm like arghhh as that is just not a valid argument compared to a 7th floor balcony is it!!!

Golly you sound just like a friend of mine

She has recently asked her hubby to leave and now she is SO happy

She has loads of free time, hardly any cooking/washing up/laundry, and everything house-keeping wise is 100% easier

That's probably totally unhelpful but you are really carrying an awful lot of extra burden here

Ds has heavy cold with temp. Nothing major, just more time off preschool (he missed 5 weeks with chicken pox).

I'm wondering whether your dp finds it hard to deal with his family and is taking it out on you. The idea that if you conformed (as he does) everything would be ok. It wouldn't but thinking like that is never rational. Rather than being angry with them, he has displaced the anger onto you.

His behaviour sounds like an inability to cope leading to passivity (imo only). So in his eyes you should be providing the action at home and in the relationship (he will only respond to what you instigate, he refuses to take on more responsibilty and tries to avoid that which he has already).

Does he sulk a lot? And save things up for big explosions?

My stomach is in knots even thinking about my children on an 8th floor balcony.

Sadly that wasn't the case when my xh left, morningpaper. I now have to do 6 kids-worth of everything on my own. Should I have asked kides to leave instead?

Humm, well, he is a parent, so he's got to do stuff, end of!

A couple of thoughts:

• does he ever have ds all day on his own? IME, lots of full time workers genuinely don't quite get what having a toddler to look after all day is like. I'm really lucky & dh thinks of the days when I'm at home as work, but I think he's unusual. I bet you he thinks "all you have to do all day is play, cook a bit of lunch, do a bit of tidying up .... What do you need a NAP for? He'd LOVE a nap..." etc etc Could you leave him with ds (ideally for a couple of days!) on his own - in which time he has to do what you do... might help him understand. That said, to be brutal, I napped when the dcs were little &/or sleeping badly. Can't imagine needing a nap regularly now they're a bit older (4 & 2)
• rather than perceived nagging, could you negotiate household tasks with him - make a big list (including all the things you already do!) & discuss who has responsibility for what - & what a 'fair' division of household tasks would be? Then he might feel like he has more 'control', & then it wouldn't be you nagging, just doing what you both agreed....

Oh, and clearly, clearly you are in the right on the whole balcony thing.

Yes, he will sulk and when he does explode, he mentions things I didn't even know he was angry about! You have hit the nail on the head there as he will push a lot of things onto me - for example we want to sort the garden out for DS and I've been telling him and telling him this, I'm getting really upset when DS asks to go out and I can't let him out as its unsafe (tiered garden, rickety slabs etc). His response 'oh whats wrong with the park' or well get me the numbers of some landscapers and I'll phone them. I've got the numbers but he hasn't phoned them so I'm the drive behind a lot of things and have to remind him - did you phone so and so, did you chase this etc - there is no taking ownership of anything - unless its car related!

PJC - Your not alone in this my DP is sooo like this. He believes that cos he's working 10 hour nights that he should be allowed to come in from work spend a few hours on the computer then go to bed and get up half hour before work.
He also expects to have a clean house, a happy DD, food in the cpboard and dinner ready for him when he gets in at 7am! oh and breakfast when he gets up again at 9pm. (cos he works nights he's switched around)

I've given up arguing with him TBH and the amount of times i've rang my mum asking her to make a bed up for us then backed out.

I'm just hoping as she gets older he'll get better.

My advice to you is to give yourself a break. On one of the days your off, get up and go out for a couple of hours and leave him to it. (Can you trust him enough to do this?)

PS

Am so relieved am not the only mum to be freaked at balconies! He really was making me feel as if was OTT and unreasonable!

Can't you sort out the garden yourself? Dig it down a bit? Children like clambering over dangerous ground anyway! How old is your DS?

MP - he's nearly two. The tiers are concrete underneath so not possible for me to do anything with myself - needs a microdigger and a skip apparently. Maybe I am being to pfb about letting DS out there!

put a helmet on him

concrete is a bugger, what about decking over it?

Well a workmate of DH's SIL has recently branched out into landscape gardening and he was s'posed to be coming around to give us a quote but it didn't happen so I've asked DH to push the issue because I would like something in place for the summer and would be great to just open the doors and let DS run out. Waiting on a response for that. The annoying thing is, I don't think DH is really bothered about whether DS has a nice garden to play in, again its me pushing the issue and sounding like a nag in the process!

You are definately not being unreasonable with any of your behaviour here, your dh is.

Is councelling ever something he would consider?

Why don't you get the number and ring yourself?

Counselling....mmm...not sure....

He did say last night that ideally he wants me at home full time, doing everything and he doesn't want to do anything unless he wants to. I said I don't mind being a SAHM (and I genuinely don't) but only if DS still goes to nursery a couple of days a week as its doing him so much good and its a long week for both DS and I otherwise. He said no way, if you are at home then DS is at home. I'm not paying for him to go to nursery while you are at home - what do you think it is - a holiday??!