Big row with DH last night....could do with some advice

[PussinJimmyChoos]

Basically things haven't been that great between DH and I lately - we've just had a trip abroad to see MIL but it was quite stressful as I refused to compromise on car seat safety etc which meant that we couldn't go out to as many places as we would wish but DH was quite prepared to not use a car seat so we could go out and the fact that he was prepared to put DS's safety at risk had I allowed it, has really made me and I've been angry with him since we came back from the trip and also disgusted at how quickly he got impatient with DS while we were over there

We were arguing last night and he basically came out with stuff along the lines of he doesn't want to do anything in the house, he just wants to play with DS when it suits him, he hates doing the nursery run...the general gist of it really is that he is finding it really hard being a parent and he said he knows I want another one at some point but he doesn't as he couldn't cope with another c section or chance that I may get PND again blah blah....

He's entitled to his opinion but I'm just as compared to a lot of men, he really doesn't have it hard at all. He comes in from work and most nights DS is all fed and ready for bed, the dinner is on the table (even on the days I'm working as he doesn't cook and he refuses to learn) and most of the kitchen is tidy.

All that's left for him to do is load the dishwasher and do a bit of tidying up afterwards but he makes a huge song and dance about it. I do all the shopping with DS on my non working day, the washing, ironing and cleaning is all done although there are some things I don't get done - bills etc as its hard to use a computer when DS is around and he said that I shouldn't nap when DS naps and should use the time efficiently. I nap when DS naps as it recharges my batteries and gives me the energy to play with him etc - if I do chores when DS asleep, I don't feel as if I've had a break when DS wakes up.

Anyway, I'm struggling to make sense of all this...I sometimes think he would be better off in a flat on his own where he only had himself to deal with because he just can't seem to take the responsibility of anything and at the first sign of hassle or inconvenience, he wants to run a mile!

Puss I don't think any of the stuff he is doing relates to how much he loves or cares about you or your ds. I think that he believes that these things are difficult for him or that he is incapable of doing them.

However to build and maintain a healthy relationship, to be fair to you and your ds he needs to deal with them.

MP - I'm deaf and have to use typetalk - the third party calling system....now, most companies are fine with it but ime, when you call individuals for a quote via type talk they really don't know how to take it and have visions of not being able to communicate with me if they did meet me, wild arm gestures and the like and its well......a tad off putting So, I've found it easier for DH to call them thats all. I've text a couple of them and e-mailed them but nothing gets results like a direct phone call iyswim? Am not making excuses here - its a genuine reaction that I get from people....some people even hang up! Its a nightmare when I ring the sex lines for some horny chat I tell you....

sounds like you have some fundamental differences in how you view men's roles and women's roles. Is he Arab by any chance? Don't mean to sound presumptuous but my DH is north african and although he's not as bad as that he does expect the housework fairy to do everything - ask him if he thinks it's all my job and he'll say no, but at the same time his mum and 4 sisters have spoiled him so he never had to lift a finger, and when he moved out it was into a shared house with blokes who all lived like slobs...so he's only just getting used to the idea that he's responsible for half of keeping a house inhabitable!!!
However, you need to sort out this difference of opinion. He wants a 50s housewife, and you are not one. He seems to think you should be happy with your lot and be grateful to him for providing or something...he's not listening to you. He has to shape up or ship out I think, you can' go on like this forever.
Someone suggested making a list of ALL the household chores and I think that's a good idea - put next to them how long they take, per week/day whatever, and add up the hours you spend working compared to the hours he spends. Sounds like he has no idea what it's like keeping a house and looking after a toddler. You could also go away for a couple of days and leave him in the lurch - baptism of fire!

ah yes that is a pisser Jimmy

Do you hve their emails? Could you email a few companies?

or put some pics on your profile and we could give you some ideas!

Yes, he is Arab. His mum did everything for him and when we were over there this time (3rd time I've visited) I did see a side of him I didn't like.

His mum has had both hips replaced and is nearly 80 so when she had made lunch for us (she likes to cook)I could see she was really tired so I used to ignore her protestations to not touch the dishes and I would wash up but DH just sat there and didn't help at all - even though it was my holiday too.

I mentioned it to him and his response was oh you don't have to do it, mum likes doing it and I said she's very tired, she's old and she doesn't like admitting she would like help with the dishes so thats why I jump in but it would be nice if you did too - but he just wouldn't. He didn't wash any of DS's cups/bottles while we were there either - I ended up doing it every night and a lot of the times, he would be out with his friends. I couldn't leave DS with MIL as she's too old/infirm to look after him so I stayed in and babysat

MP - think e-mail is probably the way to go -am not having much luck when I text them! Maybe I should just text a pic of my bangers and say like these? If you landscape my garden you can see them for free but that would be compromising my integrity!!!

well I've had lots of success doing business that way

What - texting pics of your bangers?

I think he is being unreasonable. What happens if you have a serious 'or else' type of conversation with him? It sounds like you are shouldering a lot of the responsibilities and he just gets involved or not as he pleases and then blames you if you stand your ground. Seeing as he puts a lot of store by what his family says, is there someone on that side you could confide in and who could support you in getting him to be a bit more reasonable?

Well his family are in the Middle East and I can't talk to them on the phone as deaf so its really just easier if they aren't involved. When we were over there, his sister was angry with him for being grumpy and told him off when she could see I was upset so they are pretty fair. I guess its just a case though of trying to sort it out between us really. I've had PND though and although I'm really on the up, its left me with low self esteem/confidence and so I don't find it easy to argue my corner at the best of times but will have to practise being more confident in what I'm saying

MP - have just dug out the yellow pages and e-mailed/text some companies...fingers crossed that gets results!! Now all we need is a mnet whip round to pay for my garden -put that in the round up please...my acc no is.......

Sorry I hadn't read the whole thread properly.
I'm sorry your situation with your DH is not an easy one but I must say he is behaving like a bit of a pr*ck.