Unsure how I can have a relationship with my aggressive brother

[Feliciacat]

I grew up in a household which was dysfunctional for many reasons. One of them was my brother with learning difficulties who has aggressive behaviour. We were known to the local police and he hospitalised my Mum a few times. I used to dread coming home from school as he was aggressive to all of us. He was violent to my sister in private and my parents didn’t believe her when she told them. She now doesn’t speak to any of us (even though I believed her).

He literally tried to kill my Mum in 2016 so my parents said they wouldn’t have him in their house and now he’s in sheltered accommodation which is paid for by the council. My family is very fractured (unsurprisingly) but I met up with this brother two months ago as he asked me to and now he wants to meet up again.

My issues:

He said last time I saw him that he wanted to come off benefits and move to the city that I live in. He said he could do a few hours of writing about football as a work from home job and then he’d have enough money to rent a house! I told him it was about £2000 per month for rent and £500 for bills so he’d need to be earning £3-4k per month. He seems to think he can easily do this by doing freelance football writing. I told him that even with my years of work experience and two degrees then I wasn’t well off enough to rent a house here but he wasn’t having it. I’m worried that my parents will blame me if he comes off benefits.

Also, when I was explaining how life isn’t so simple and easy as he thinks it is, he became aggressive with me and raised his voice. So it’s bubbling under the surface and after being punched in the face during my teenage years by him then I just don’t feel safe around him.

I don’t know how I can sustain a relationship with him. I feel like a bad person as all my other siblings don’t talk to him and he has no friends. So I could be his friend. It’s just really stressful as he seems to think coming to visit me is the start of his new life in the big city. If my parents blame me for him coming off his benefits and say I need to take him in then I just can’t. I don’t feel safe with him.

Definitely don't let him move in with you. If possible, can you talk to him with your parents and talk through the practicalities including a budget. Perhaps say he needs to spend a year at home building up his freelancing income to give you some breathing space but don't let your parents bully it guilt trip you into taking him in.

I’m estranged from my parents so I can’t talk to them. They can’t have him in their house because he tried to kill my Mum. Perhaps I didn’t make it clear but he has lifetime benefits as he’s been assessed by several professionals and they say he will never be independent due to his learning difficulties. So my point is that he will never succeed with his plan but he seems insistent on coming off the benefits that he needs.

My parents and I already have a very bad relationship and the way my Mum’s mind works; if he’s come off benefits so he can live in my city and he’s been visiting me then it’ll be my influence and my fault.

Do not give him a home. The whole plan is ludicrous. He’s still a liability and not your problem. Don’t respond in a positive way. Stay neutral. He probably won’t do anything. I feel sorry for your parents. Talk to them maybe?

Talking to them would be a good idea but I’m estranged from them as my Mum wishes I was never born and says she wishes she’d never had daughters or children with disabilities (I’m a daughter with severe deafness since birth). She’s torn me down over the years (saying things like I was too ugly for my six year old school picture to be on the mantelpiece and that the family had better things to do than come to my graduation).

I hadn’t intended to be in touch with any of them as my life is far better without them. But then I felt guilty about my brother and so agreed to meet him. I now wish I hadn’t.

I feel like a bad person as all my other siblings don’t talk to him and he has no friends. So I could be his friend. It’s just really stressful as he seems to think coming to visit me is the start of his new life in the big city.

Your siblings have chosen to protect themselves and he has no friends because he's unsafe.

Just go back to not having contact with him.

You don't owe him anything and you can't help him, and you need to look after yourself (and if you have children or a partner, you need to protect them from him too).

Your compassion is wonderful, but please choose self-preservation.

He doesn't know where you live, does he?

You do not have to meet him a second time; you are really under no obligation to do so. Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Do not give your brother a home and his plans for writing are just pipe dreams; he'd never make anywhere near that amount of money. Is he at all on the radar of Adult Social Services?.

He's been violent towards you previously and there is good reason why he has no friends. Deal with your fear, obligation and guilt you have through therapy and read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

He doesn’t know exactly where I live and my DH says we mustn’t let him know as he’d have designs on living with us (but would be very aggressive and demanding). We hope to have a child this year so yes, protection is a consideration. DH says we should only meet him in public and pretend that our house is too small and rubbish to go back to.

Your compassion for him will be your undoing and will ruin your life.

You do not owe your brother, let alone your parents, here anything let alone a relationship here.

Protect your own self and have no further contact with your brother.

I would not meet him in public either; no contact is precisely that - no contact.

He is in the care of Adult Social Services. He’s in sheltered accommodation with lifetime benefits which are like gold dust! Part of the issue is that my parents spoiled him a lot when he was younger as they thought pumping money into him might make him turn out ‘normal’. He now hates his life on benefits and wants to go back to being rich!

If you are estranged from your parents then what does it matter what they think?

If they blame you then they are simply wrong. If they call you to blame you just put the phone down. If they continue to harass you then block them.

Is there a danger that they tell your brother where you live?

This could conceivably be a danger. However, thinking about it, if he turned up at mine then I could just contact social services in his area and tell them we had no relationship.

He should remain in the care of Adult Social Services. Tell them if necessary you will not be able to look after him at all.

You are under NO oblation to house him as his sister anyway and particularly given his previous violence towards you. If he did come to live with you (and under no circumstances should that ever happen) you'd never get him out of there again. You would kiss any privacy goodbye along with potentially your marriage.

If he turns up at yours do not let him in under any circumstances. Inform the police if he or your parents persist in contacting you.

If you were my friend I would be telling you to stop meeting him and ask you why you would want to so you would question your thinking. This person has been violent toward you. You owe him nothing and you need to protect yourself. Just because he is related to you does not mean he is a nice person or that you should have any relationship with him.

Thankfully he does not know where you live which is a blessing.

Tell adult social care what he is saying. They need to know.

It’s a safeguarding issue. You could also consider moving. The issue isn’t that he may turn up expecting to move in, and social services will have to take him away again. It’s that he’ll turn up having been stopped from moving in and try to hurt you and yours.

Gosh I am sorry you've gone through all this. That's certainly trauma. Is it unresolved trauma or resolved ? Are you OK?
Unfortunately a few pms ago they stopped all the mental health units and support places and said there would be a budget for the community to cope. The budget never came and ones like your brother don't get the specialist help they need. He's a ticking bomb.
Please safeguard you and your family and have strong boundaries.
Alert the community policemen of the history. Here the local Bobby gives you his email address and is in a cafe on certain times so you can talk things through.
Remember this is not your fault and as for your parents, their perception of you is a reflection of them and where they are at.

Do not disclose your address to him.

Do not get sucked into his dysfunctional world.

You will need rock solid boundaries.

I went fully NC with my seriously messed-up brother, after misguidedly trying to help him which I now see was a big mistake.

You are NOT his support human. He is not your responsibility.

Do not succumb to the usual guilt-trip bullshit that is piled upon female relatives (sisters, daughters, blah blah) who are somehow expected to wreck their lives because of male relatives. Fuck that. Sideways.

These people are no family of yours. Why are you even considering taking on this burden? Do yourself a favour and cut them all out.
There’s a reason no one wants to be his friend/carer and it isn’t because of his disabilities. He’s just not very nice. And your parents are awful. I hope you find or build a real family one day that show you how it should be.

You must stay away from him and keep your personal details secret so he can't contact you. He's a risk to you and your family's safety.

Social services and police will likely be useless from what people report about violent ex partners on here, or by the time they turn up it'll be too late.

Yes some people will judge but they've likely never had to deal with this kind of threat.

I write this as someone with an autistic sibling who rages and has physically attacked me before. Also says they're going to get unattainable jobs, very manipulative. They are big and far stronger than me. I don't think they have my address, I rarely contact them and if I see them my husband comes as well for my own safety. Your brother sounds more dangerous.

Thank you everyone for your extremely kind and helpful responses. I feel very validated.

Oh my goodness. Please bear in mind what he did to your mum. There is a possibility that in future he could do the same to someone else, and that person might be you.

He is not your responsibility.

I am assuming he has a social worker? Even if he doesn't, you need to tell social services of his plans. You then need to step away completely and have nothing to do with your brother. Do not under any circumstances let him know your address. It's bad enough, he knows which city you live in. Yes, he's blood related but it doesn't mean you are responsible for him or have any obligation towards him at all. He's unstable, violent and therefore dangerous. He is not a person you want in your life on any level.

Your parents are terrible for not believing your sister. I really feel for her.

If I were you I wouldn't have anything to do with your brother. I certainly wouldn't meet up with him. I speak from experience as I had a similar childhood. I'd get a Ring doorbell, too, so that I knew who was coming to my house.