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Original poster

Unsure how I can have a relationship with my aggressive brother

37 replies

Feliciacat · 20/01/2025 17:14

I grew up in a household which was dysfunctional for many reasons. One of them was my brother with learning difficulties who has aggressive behaviour. We were known to the local police and he hospitalised my Mum a few times. I used to dread coming home from school as he was aggressive to all of us. He was violent to my sister in private and my parents didn’t believe her when she told them. She now doesn’t speak to any of us (even though I believed her).

He literally tried to kill my Mum in 2016 so my parents said they wouldn’t have him in their house and now he’s in sheltered accommodation which is paid for by the council. My family is very fractured (unsurprisingly) but I met up with this brother two months ago as he asked me to and now he wants to meet up again.

My issues:

He said last time I saw him that he wanted to come off benefits and move to the city that I live in. He said he could do a few hours of writing about football as a work from home job and then he’d have enough money to rent a house! I told him it was about £2000 per month for rent and £500 for bills so he’d need to be earning £3-4k per month. He seems to think he can easily do this by doing freelance football writing. I told him that even with my years of work experience and two degrees then I wasn’t well off enough to rent a house here but he wasn’t having it. I’m worried that my parents will blame me if he comes off benefits.

Also, when I was explaining how life isn’t so simple and easy as he thinks it is, he became aggressive with me and raised his voice. So it’s bubbling under the surface and after being punched in the face during my teenage years by him then I just don’t feel safe around him.

I don’t know how I can sustain a relationship with him. I feel like a bad person as all my other siblings don’t talk to him and he has no friends. So I could be his friend. It’s just really stressful as he seems to think coming to visit me is the start of his new life in the big city. If my parents blame me for him coming off his benefits and say I need to take him in then I just can’t. I don’t feel safe with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feliciacat · 21/01/2025 12:58

MounjaroOnMyMind · 21/01/2025 11:42

Your parents are terrible for not believing your sister. I really feel for her.

If I were you I wouldn't have anything to do with your brother. I certainly wouldn't meet up with him. I speak from experience as I had a similar childhood. I'd get a Ring doorbell, too, so that I knew who was coming to my house.

They are terrible for not believing her! And she’s had a series of abusive relationships and my Mum was saying ‘why does she let people smash her head into the wall?’ and victim blaming her. Plus my sister got a viral illness that wipes her energy and has ruined her life and my Mum told her to stop faking it! My sister has been a major scapegoat. I was probably number two; she hates women.

OP posts:
Christl78 · 21/01/2025 13:00

Feliciacat · 20/01/2025 17:14

I grew up in a household which was dysfunctional for many reasons. One of them was my brother with learning difficulties who has aggressive behaviour. We were known to the local police and he hospitalised my Mum a few times. I used to dread coming home from school as he was aggressive to all of us. He was violent to my sister in private and my parents didn’t believe her when she told them. She now doesn’t speak to any of us (even though I believed her).

He literally tried to kill my Mum in 2016 so my parents said they wouldn’t have him in their house and now he’s in sheltered accommodation which is paid for by the council. My family is very fractured (unsurprisingly) but I met up with this brother two months ago as he asked me to and now he wants to meet up again.

My issues:

He said last time I saw him that he wanted to come off benefits and move to the city that I live in. He said he could do a few hours of writing about football as a work from home job and then he’d have enough money to rent a house! I told him it was about £2000 per month for rent and £500 for bills so he’d need to be earning £3-4k per month. He seems to think he can easily do this by doing freelance football writing. I told him that even with my years of work experience and two degrees then I wasn’t well off enough to rent a house here but he wasn’t having it. I’m worried that my parents will blame me if he comes off benefits.

Also, when I was explaining how life isn’t so simple and easy as he thinks it is, he became aggressive with me and raised his voice. So it’s bubbling under the surface and after being punched in the face during my teenage years by him then I just don’t feel safe around him.

I don’t know how I can sustain a relationship with him. I feel like a bad person as all my other siblings don’t talk to him and he has no friends. So I could be his friend. It’s just really stressful as he seems to think coming to visit me is the start of his new life in the big city. If my parents blame me for him coming off his benefits and say I need to take him in then I just can’t. I don’t feel safe with him.

Νο contact. Only solution tonprorect yourself otherwise he will ruin your life.

AluckyEllie · 21/01/2025 13:04

Change your phone number, your email and never speak or think about him again. Just because he’s related by blood doesn’t mean you have to have any interest in him- and he has done unspeakable things. Speaking to your parents or him again will only open a can of worms. Thank god you have a sensible husband who doesn’t want him to know where you live.

Go no contact, never think about him again and enjoy your life and the family you have made (husband and soon to be baby.)

Tittat50 · 21/01/2025 13:05

If he has a home and the lifetime benefit he needs to keep his ass where it bloody is. He will fall out the system and you will have your life ruined.

It's not your fault if he chooses to do this. I would be firm and put in very clear boundaries now.

' If you leave the security of the home you have, you will end up with no housing support. We will never be able to have you live here. It's not possible.'

That's it. Your parents are messed up and you have no responsibility at all. You just want one normal loving family relationship but you won't have it with him.

He will wreck your life.

GreenCandleWax · 23/05/2025 21:00

Can you as a last gesture for him before you cut contact, let his Adult Social Services know about his idea of moving. Alert them, and they should try to prevent the idea progressing. Then, sadly its nc with him, except possibly send him a Christmas and birthday card if you want to, but don't let him contact you.🍀

Coffeislife · 23/05/2025 22:06

Awww I feel you here ! My brother has attacked my mum endlessly including fractured eye sockets and an attempt at an axe attack.

It is frustrating and difficult and emotional. Your brother sounds naive ans immature at heart but under sheltered accommodation he shouldn't physically be able to make the changes you refer to.

Regarding the emotional / social side it is a waste of energy to try give a reality check, it won't sink in just be passive. If you want a relationship try focus on positives only and evade any kind of fantasy thoughts

INeedAnotherName · 23/05/2025 22:49

I don’t feel safe with him.

Then the only answer is for you to go no contact. Block him on SM, phone, email, etc. Just stop communicating with him. Right now you are using him to self harm yourself and you need to ask yourself why.

Original poster
Feliciacat · 26/05/2025 12:00

INeedAnotherName · 23/05/2025 22:49

I don’t feel safe with him.

Then the only answer is for you to go no contact. Block him on SM, phone, email, etc. Just stop communicating with him. Right now you are using him to self harm yourself and you need to ask yourself why.

My parents always said I was the third adult so I feel like that’s my role in the family. That’s a load of rubbish of course and was so unfair to me when I’m only 2-9 years older than all my siblings. I was held to different standards to the others and not allowed to be a kid. It’s driven a wedge between me and the other siblings too. It’s all so dysfunctional.

I am now pregnant (17 weeks) and it’s solidified my resolve. I remember hating being around my brother’s violence even when it wasn’t aimed at me. I can’t have my child exposed to that. And my family don’t deserve to know me or my child. I chased after the family for years as I felt responsible for the dysfunction as I felt like I was one of the adults. But none of it is true. I only gave responsibility to my new family and it’s a fresh start.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/05/2025 12:07

He’s been assessed by several professionals and they say he will never be independent due to his learning difficulties

In that case, and since he's in supported accommodation on lifetime benefits, presumably there are staff somewhere who are helping him to deal witth finances and so on - and if so are you in contact with them?

For me the obvious answer would be to pass this back to them, while making it VERY clear that living with you isn't an option, so that hopefully they can guide him on this

OriginalUsername2 · 26/05/2025 12:16

I have a violent brother too. And mum. I love them from afar. No contact for 10 years. I made the decision “I don’t do violent people, even if they’re related to me”. That’s my reasonable boundary that no one can argue with really.

Original poster
Feliciacat · 26/05/2025 12:43

@OriginalUsername2 that is exactly how I feel, thank you. I’m sorry that your Mum and brother are like that but I’m goad you’re looking after you.

OP posts:
MounjaroOnMyMind · 26/05/2025 12:44

I'm so glad you're pregnant and going to focus on your new family now. Nothing but pain will come from contact with your brother.

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