Red flags or not ?

[ConfusedByMen]

Please help me out here. I clearly am so out of touch with dating, I feel like I'm missing all red flags and go for type of men that in the end all end up the same broken type i have always dated.

My last relationship was 12 years and have a DC. Been single for 2 years, doing a little a bit of dating. I have read plenty of self development books and have done therapy... normally I see red flags clearly with the usual men if you like. They make it easy by turning sexual or non consistent, etc.

Now i have been talking on OLD to an Iranian guy. Usually this would be a no for me as I wouldn't date someone religious and Muslims are very religious. He said he was born here and his family is Christian. Being suspicious, not sure if I believe that.

Anyway, with our conversations, I am unsure if he is a walking red flag or just stronger, manly guy who knows what he wants. I need someone who will challenge me and take initiative but not fight me or yell at me and tell me what to do.

What do we think Mumsnet ? I think run when I re-read that.

your a red flag, seemed like you were gunning for an argument. you wanted him to prove yourself right, but your the walking Red flag

Everybody here has saw your messages
OP, the overwhelming majority agree you’re showing plenty of red flags yourself.

Take that on board and go do some work on yourself.

I was in a long term relationship with a British born ME man, from a Muslim family (though he was an atheist). Apart from his skin colour there was literally nothing that set him apart from a white man.

Your type is not your type at all.

Was your father a broken man too?. What did you learn from your mother and he in particular about relationships when you were growing up?. You're likely repeating dysfunctional patterns that started in childhood.

Get more therapy for yourself and get off all dating websites entirely. Love your own self for a change.

I wouldn’t like a someone saying I have mesmerising eyes etc it’s a bit cheesy

Aside from that, you are the red flag making wild assumptions and generalisations about Middle Eastern men

I lived with an Iranian family when I was younger for a short time, they were warm, kind and hospitable to me

If you are looking for advice i think you need to open your mind and develop yourself

Something is off with how he writes. Gives me catfishing/scammer vibes.

My cousin's Iranian wife and her family are Christian. Not particularly devout either. Iran was a very progressive, modern country up until the late 70s. But not all Muslims kill children or are misogynistic. He's not even Muslim anyway. But you wouldn't say that to a Christian man from Solihull, so why say it to one from Iran?
It seems like you're definitely not well suited.

If looking back at this interaction doesn't smack you in the face as being a toxic mess immediately, I would seriously postpone your dating until you've got a better handle on what constitues healthy respectful communication, and a bit more clarity on what a Red Flag actually is.

All the comments about your looks are a bit 🤮

Him calling you My Angel and querying whether you're seeing each other now, when you haven't even met is a red flag.

Whats the bit about him not needing four women speaking in the ear of his woman? (His woman??) Is he saying you shouldn't have girlfriends?

On the other side, I agree that you sound combative and it's like you're trying to goad him or start an argument. You do come across as Islamophobic, even if you claim not to be.

You're clearly both on very different pages. Also, and for me, his use of lol would be enough to instantly lose interest

You don't trust him already so just unmatch, his English isn't great and he only wants to talk about how you look, just like most of them on the apps, boring, shallow and unintelligent, his response to you asking about him being a director of finance doesn't seem convincing so I wouldn't trust about his religion also, not that he cares he'll say anything for a woman to fall for it for a hook up.

Taking a step back (yes he's sleazy, yes you don't want to go out with someone from his background).

You're really asking whether your radar is off for men. I think you need to do some work, honestly.

Some really practical things I noted about your messages....

You were talking in abstractions - about culture and so on. This is obviously something you like doing. So your ideal partner needs to be able to follow that lead. Next time, trail a general "I think in society people often..." kind of message. The kind of man you like will respond on the same abstract level. "It's interesting, yes, I reflect that in the 90s we used to blah blah and now people tend to blee blee more often". The kind of man who is not for you will bring it back to himself in quite a dull way. "I don't do blah blah."

You also explicitly said I would like someone of similar intelligence level. Now I know he's not got English as a first language. But I speak French, say, quite badly. I'm also very intelligent. If I was trying to impress another intelligent person in French on an app, I wouldn't say the things he says. You can tell the difference between someone being clever but not having the words and someone being a bit crass and missing your point, like he does. Next time try and read more forensically, think what kind of response you yourself would give? Or your sparkiest friend?

Overall your messages and posts read like you have a different standard for a man in your life than for a friend. You think if he's not understanding you and not reflecting what's important to you thats ok, he's a man, maybe it's because he is sort of direct and manly and dominant. But men are people in the world too! He's seen the same life you have seen; and his conclusion is to behave crassly, be suspicious of women, talk overtly sexually to you upfront... it feels like there's something you're giving him a free pass for, and that isn't right.

I hope this is helpful in thinking about the approach you could bring to online dating.The point of online dating is to use the initial conversations far more carefully as a screener. So you need to work out how a man with the same values as you would show up in messages. And then expect - well, require - that level of messaging before you take it further.

It’s a no from me, and not just because of the grammar

”beautiful smile… blame your parents not me” 🤢