Red flags or not ?

[ConfusedByMen]

Please help me out here. I clearly am so out of touch with dating, I feel like I'm missing all red flags and go for type of men that in the end all end up the same broken type i have always dated.

My last relationship was 12 years and have a DC. Been single for 2 years, doing a little a bit of dating. I have read plenty of self development books and have done therapy... normally I see red flags clearly with the usual men if you like. They make it easy by turning sexual or non consistent, etc.

Now i have been talking on OLD to an Iranian guy. Usually this would be a no for me as I wouldn't date someone religious and Muslims are very religious. He said he was born here and his family is Christian. Being suspicious, not sure if I believe that.

Anyway, with our conversations, I am unsure if he is a walking red flag or just stronger, manly guy who knows what he wants. I need someone who will challenge me and take initiative but not fight me or yell at me and tell me what to do.

What do we think Mumsnet ? I think run when I re-read that.

Yep if I were him I’d have blocked you after the religion stuff. You came across really badly there.

the rest I think you’re both looking bad. His weird love bombing and your talking about income levels (a fair concern but I’d see you raising it so early as a red flag)

so, bunting all round.

Not sure about him but some of the things you said are ⛳️⛳️ for me!

Some Iranians are Christian, not all muslims are religious and that's a huge stereotype about Muslim men!

He sounds a bit weird though tbh, and it's difficult to understand his messages.

I don't think there's any future in this tbh

You're the red flag! He said he's Christian not Muslim but you don't believe him, you don't want to date a Middle Eastern man but instead of swiping left you berate him for the views of others (as you have no idea what he actually believes). Yes his idea of flirting is cringe but that's not a crime.

What an odd interaction. Neither of you come across well at all. Please drop the islamophobia - Islam not a monolith, one Muslim is not responsible for the behaviour of another. Red flags galore from you both.

OP his poor English would have me reaching for the block button. It doesn't match what he claims is his employment status.

And any man who called me his "angel" after such a short period of time would also be quickly deleted.

You do sound rather combative, though.

Thanks all. I know some of the messages are out of context, I can't add everything.

1. He seems full of compliments, too many. Seemed like love bombing

1. My first message about religion and culture was nice. I have been apologetic saying that in my opinion 2 vast backgrounds often cause too many issues. Again some might agree, some won't. What I have seen from family and friends was always negative and just like in entitled to preference on hair colour or eyes, religion is vital too. He continued to drill. I have purposely added messages that don't put me in great light so people don't automatically jump on him. I have goaded / tested him for sure. I wanted to see a reaction to my preferences when he wouldn't drop the subject.

1. Calling women mental and gold diggers is what's really got my back up. I will attach more screenshot if it let's me so you can see I tried removing some obvious things...

1. He has gone to talk more appearance and mention boobs etc.

I know this won't ever work 🤣 he literally brought out the worst in me.

Block.

why are you posting all the messages?

you are spinning this out when you have already said you will block him,
move on

Why did you carry on talking to him when he was saying all this? Why not just block? Seems like you wanted to argue with him for no reason.

Because I was wondering if my radar is off and maybe I was judgemental and took the wrong end of the stick?

You’d should block each other

your radar is fine, he’s a dick, you spotted it.

id also reflect on how you came across. Maybe he brought out the worst in you but there’s a fair bit from you that would have me running for the hills tbh

well you are proved that you are Judgemental op @ConfusedByMen

Erm, the OP's messages are at times racist. Am I the only one who sees that? 😕

no you are surely not the only one
plenty have called the op out

No they were.

1. It’s VERY obvious from what he’s saying he’s a red flag and;
2. Even if you thought there was a chance you had the wrong end of the stick, what he was saying was making you uncomfortable, and that’s all that matters here, not what anyone else thought.

You were arguing with a stranger and wasting your time for no reason from where I’m sitting.

Well I'm sorry if people think I'm racists. I can guarantee I'm not. I've dated different nationalities like Korean, Indian and Colombian. I'm mixed race myself.... I clearly should have just blocked and not got into the conversation about religion.

The mere fact that he mentioned your boobs and bum wasn't enough of a red flag?! You don't know this man, he's overstepped the mark with those comments alone! Funny how you withheld those messages!
You come over as racist and he's a total shallow sleaze. And obviously not who he says he is! I can't believe you are having to question this!

This is very “I’m not racist I have a black friend”.

Step away from dating, get yourself back to therapy or doing more work on yourself in general.

Is it? Being mixed race myself is the equivalent of I have a black friend because I have stated I wouldn't date a Muslim person? No I wouldn't.

If the chat becomes combative (from either side) at such an early stage, why even continue it? You’re just wasting your (and his) time.

Too many compliments is a massive red flag 🚩 too. Some men just do it cos they assume it’s what all women want to hear. Lazy and insincere I think.

Work on your boundaries before you continue the online dating.

Also, PSA:

If you have to ask if something is a red flag, 99.5% of the time, it IS a red flag 🚩

OP, him still being interested in you after your messages is a massive red flag.

He sounds awful, but OLD is not for you right now. If you were taking this approach with a male friend of mine I would be telling him to ditch and run.