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Original poster

DH All of a sudden extremely jealous

47 replies

pamelawamela · 20/01/2025 07:30

Looking for some help!
DH of 7 years, together for 16. 2DS together.
All of a sudden has become extremely jealous. He has dredged up the past and rehashed it all in the last 2 months (When we first met I was seeing someone else on and off but all finished within a year of us being together- to note I was 18 and stupid which I have admitted many times to him)
A month or so ago I was invited to a night out by a friend for Christmas to our local gym. This was apparently out of order as I didn't know who else was going when asked then when I found out the night before that one of the local school dads was going I didn't tell him. The dad didn't appear and the night was 9 ish woman and 1 womans husband. He still thinks it was "weird" that I went and that I deliberately didn't tell him about the dad from my sons school going (which is not at all true I just didn't think I had to tell him). Ive since been asked multiple times whos at the gym if im there and if I ever speak to this man and if so what I say (the guys son is friends with our son so we say hello to each other if the boys are in the gym with us and are playing in the childrens section together)

Today he has accused me of staring at his older brothers crotch whilst we were in visiting his mum. Apparently he "caught me" and my face went very red. This absolutely did not happen at all, I have zero interest in his brother and also zero interest in looking at crotches Its not a part of a man I am attracted too or feel the need to look at.

I really don't know where all this has came from, I dont know what to do or why he has all of a sudden became this very jealous person. Anyone had any experience similar to mine?

OP posts:
SheridansPortSalut · 20/01/2025 07:34

My guess his that his head is being filled with misogynistic nonsense from the Internet. Is he watching the likes of Andrew Tate?

Yoheresthestory · 20/01/2025 07:34

I think you need to consider if he is cheating himself. Keep your eyes open. Classic reason to suddenly get suspicious of a partner is if he is cheating himself.

but no way is it acceptable for him to control you like this so tell him to fuck right off with that behaviour.

StoorieHoose · 20/01/2025 07:35

He is projecting. He's probably having an affair or at least contemplating it

FUBAR77 · 20/01/2025 07:39

My Dad was insanely jealous of my DM, my childhood was spent being asked what we’d done and who my DM had spoken to, had anyone called the house etc, he’d do drive bys of my aunties house just to check we were where she said we’d be.

Anywho, turned out he was a serial cheat, would try it on with her friends and everything - only came out when she actively caught him cheating…

BerryMummypudding · 20/01/2025 07:43

Oh I think you need to look at what he's doing. I had an ex who was constantly looking at my phone and asking why it took so long at shops etc. He was on dating apps and picking up girls so was judging me by his standards.

This behaviour started after a blissful argument free five years.

username299 · 20/01/2025 07:47

Sounds like he's having an affair or been tempted. People tend to project onto their partners when they cheat.

Millyjanice · 20/01/2025 07:51

username299 · 20/01/2025 07:47

Sounds like he's having an affair or been tempted. People tend to project onto their partners when they cheat.

I agree.

Watch carefully,OP.

Original poster
pamelawamela · 20/01/2025 07:52

SheridansPortSalut · 20/01/2025 07:34

My guess his that his head is being filled with misogynistic nonsense from the Internet. Is he watching the likes of Andrew Tate?

not sure. He listens to tons of podcasts and things. He has became a lot more mysogynistic recently. Treats me differently to he used too. He wants sex all the time, talks about it constantly. Totally different from the past 15 years of our relationship where we would have sex but what I felt was more of a normal amount for us.

OP posts:
DeathNote11 · 20/01/2025 07:54

In my experience, it usually happens for one of three reasons:

  1. Projecting. They're doing it themselves so they notice opportunities more & see their own internet in your innocent interactions.
  1. Covering up. The accusations keep you so busy defending yourself & checking your own behaviour it takes your attention off his behaviour.
  1. A friend or family member is feeding him the narrative with the aim of destabilising your relationship or causing drama. Has he started a new job or leisure club lately where he's meeting new people? Is there a high conflict family member on the scene? We have one of the latter, she's only happy when she's causing conflict & misery. Sad, sad, people.
Original poster
pamelawamela · 20/01/2025 07:55

Thank You. You have all said what I have been thinking, he doesn't go anywhere to physically cheat on me that I can think of. I know where he is at all times but he has always always been very protective of his phone, doesn't leave it down at all. Not sure how Ill get a hold of his phone, but I think I definitely need too.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 20/01/2025 07:56

It’s very weird and frankly suspicious. Im
generally quite forgiving but this is ridiculous. If you were a big cheater why would you be looking at a crotch of all things.

women are not big crotch starters, they’re not exactly sexy to look at .

my first thought is that it’s cover for his cheating

grimmeeper · 20/01/2025 07:58

StoorieHoose · 20/01/2025 07:35

He is projecting. He's probably having an affair or at least contemplating it

My first guess also

DeathNote11 · 20/01/2025 08:01

pamelawamela · 20/01/2025 07:55

Thank You. You have all said what I have been thinking, he doesn't go anywhere to physically cheat on me that I can think of. I know where he is at all times but he has always always been very protective of his phone, doesn't leave it down at all. Not sure how Ill get a hold of his phone, but I think I definitely need too.

You need to mislay your phone & have the need to urgently borrow his to make a call. His reaction to that will give you a better idea of what you're up against.

Original poster
pamelawamela · 20/01/2025 08:02

DeathNote11 · 20/01/2025 08:01

You need to mislay your phone & have the need to urgently borrow his to make a call. His reaction to that will give you a better idea of what you're up against.

Show quote history

great idea, I will try that and see what he does.

OP posts:
Original poster
pamelawamela · 20/01/2025 08:02

DeathNote11 · 20/01/2025 07:54

In my experience, it usually happens for one of three reasons:

  1. Projecting. They're doing it themselves so they notice opportunities more & see their own internet in your innocent interactions.
  1. Covering up. The accusations keep you so busy defending yourself & checking your own behaviour it takes your attention off his behaviour.
  1. A friend or family member is feeding him the narrative with the aim of destabilising your relationship or causing drama. Has he started a new job or leisure club lately where he's meeting new people? Is there a high conflict family member on the scene? We have one of the latter, she's only happy when she's causing conflict & misery. Sad, sad, people.

nothing in your last point at all. point 1 or 2 terrifies me but is the most likely Im sad to think.

OP posts:
AlbertCamusflage · 20/01/2025 08:04

I hope that it becomes possible to challenge him effectively for his terrible, controlling behaviour. If it weren't for the fact that you have children, I would call this reason for leaving him. It makes my blood boil to think of how he is treating you.

Millyjanice · 20/01/2025 08:04

pamelawamela · 20/01/2025 07:55

Thank You. You have all said what I have been thinking, he doesn't go anywhere to physically cheat on me that I can think of. I know where he is at all times but he has always always been very protective of his phone, doesn't leave it down at all. Not sure how Ill get a hold of his phone, but I think I definitely need too.

You don’t need evidence. Why should you have to put in the effort to find the cause of his bad behaviour ?

Go with how you feel. If his actions make you feel disrespected and unhappy, for whatever reason, you can leave.
Just say, “ this isn’t working for me anymore”

On top of the likelihood of an affair and general misogyny, he’s trying to control you and pressurising you to have sex with him.
4 good reasons to get rid.

Rachmorr57 · 20/01/2025 08:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Chuchoter · 20/01/2025 08:12

He wants to find something so you are the bad guy and that will justify his cheating on you.

Chuchoter · 20/01/2025 08:14

It does sound like he is at least talking to someone else and has to be able to portray you as the bad guy in order to get sympathy for himself and justify his reasons for wanting/having to cheat on you.

Original poster
pamelawamela · 20/01/2025 08:28

Millyjanice · 20/01/2025 08:04

You don’t need evidence. Why should you have to put in the effort to find the cause of his bad behaviour ?

Go with how you feel. If his actions make you feel disrespected and unhappy, for whatever reason, you can leave.
Just say, “ this isn’t working for me anymore”

On top of the likelihood of an affair and general misogyny, he’s trying to control you and pressurising you to have sex with him.
4 good reasons to get rid.

Show quote history

thank you for this. I have never actually thought of it that way at all

OP posts:
stillljh · 20/01/2025 08:29

Cherchez la femme...

As others have said it's often projecting because they themselves are cheating or looking to cheat or getting involved in some kind of emotional type affair online or with someone at work.
I had this with my ex. At first I couldn't work out what the hell was going on because he'd suddenly become jealous of all kinds of random people I was supposedly flirting with. He became fixated on a friend of mine who played cello in the local amateur orchestra we were all in and started glaring at him during rehearsals to the point where the cellist got quite scared and spoke to me about it. Which ended up with ex becoming even more jealous.
It turned out ex was flirting with a couple of women he had met at some event via whatsapp and was hoping to start an affair with one or both of them, who knows.
But basically the whole jealousy thing and his awful behaviour towards me was all to do with the fact he'd had his head turned.

That's possibly what's happening in your case too.

getsomehelp · 20/01/2025 08:42

My Stbx partner did/does this
Its controlling, a fierce insecurity. Accusing me of looking too nice (ex I dont like that colour)
Inquisition re what was said, who was there when I dared have a girls evening.
Affirming i had a affair with someone who played tennis with my group.
Controlling & abusive.
NO amount of explaining, defending or reassuring will change his mind.
So I refuse to engage
I am not in prison, I am not his Siamese twin, I am a free entity & can do what I want, if he chooses to torture himself with his fabulation there are no more shits I care to give.

SerenityNowSerenityNow · 20/01/2025 08:43

Initially I thought affair but when you mentioned podcasts I wondered if that might be the issue.
Can you ask him what he listens to as you're looking for recommendations? That might give you some insight.

NeedsMustNet · 20/01/2025 08:57

The story about you going out with mum friends and him looking for reasons to be suspicious about the one dad who was there is really concerning. Ok, it’s all concerning. Looking at your BIL’s crotch .. all sounds like he has quite a poor opinion of you and maybe of himself, and that he has no sexual boundaries in his own mind.

i’d be interested to know what he is listening to. And suspect porn is having a big effect to. Could you ask him to recommend a podcast? It won’t help you, but you will get a sense of which rabbit hole he has got sucked into.