DH All of a sudden extremely jealous

[pamelawamela]

Looking for some help!
DH of 7 years, together for 16. 2DS together.
All of a sudden has become extremely jealous. He has dredged up the past and rehashed it all in the last 2 months (When we first met I was seeing someone else on and off but all finished within a year of us being together- to note I was 18 and stupid which I have admitted many times to him)
A month or so ago I was invited to a night out by a friend for Christmas to our local gym. This was apparently out of order as I didn't know who else was going when asked then when I found out the night before that one of the local school dads was going I didn't tell him. The dad didn't appear and the night was 9 ish woman and 1 womans husband. He still thinks it was "weird" that I went and that I deliberately didn't tell him about the dad from my sons school going (which is not at all true I just didn't think I had to tell him). Ive since been asked multiple times whos at the gym if im there and if I ever speak to this man and if so what I say (the guys son is friends with our son so we say hello to each other if the boys are in the gym with us and are playing in the childrens section together)

Today he has accused me of staring at his older brothers crotch whilst we were in visiting his mum. Apparently he "caught me" and my face went very red. This absolutely did not happen at all, I have zero interest in his brother and also zero interest in looking at crotches Its not a part of a man I am attracted too or feel the need to look at.

I really don't know where all this has came from, I dont know what to do or why he has all of a sudden became this very jealous person. Anyone had any experience similar to mine?

I'd be suspicious of anyone who is very protective of their phone.

Has he started taking testosterone?

When my ex did, and it changed him from a fairly pleasant (if lazy and self-centred) person, into a cold-hearted, cruel one.

Hmm, weird weird behaviour to just come out of the blue ! Get his phone op and have a good mooch. Absolute twat testing you that way.

I hate that WhatsApp have the secret folder option, it's a cheats dream !!

My instinct on reading this was also that he’s either cheating or tempted to. Sorry OP, it’s potentially a clever deflection but I’d be looking at his behaviour a bit more closely.
I’d try not to give any time or engage in ridiculous discussions like the one about his brothers crotch

Nothing will kill a relationship more definitively than jealousy and mistrust.

If it was my relationship I would arrange a conversation at a non-pressured time and calmly name the problem, reassure them that absolutely nothing has happened with someone else or would ever happen with someone else, but that you need to find a way for you both to be comfortable and happy in the relationship otherwise it will not survive. I'd ask what my partner needs from me so we could put the issue to bed, and voice my own needs as well.

Assuming you actually want to try and save the relationship of course.I disagree that jealousy is always a result of cheating on their part- I think it's often stemming from insecurity on the jealous partners part- so I think reassurance would be my first way to go (this could include being more open but not allowing him any unreasonable control- it's a fine line).

Treating you*
Although I'm sure it is rather testing !

You need to ask him directly what has made him change. I strongly suspect that it is to do with all those podcasts he watches - it sounds very much like he's fallen into the Andrew Tate rabbit hole. I must say, I couldn't respect a man who believes all that nonsense.

People with tales of woe of their jealous partner or ex partner are missing the point.

The horrible behaviour from the op's husband has suddenly started up, he wasn't always acting like this.

He sounds repulsive.

Cheating is one option, deteriorating mental health is another. I’d keep an eye on both options.

Is your gym attendance recent ? Does he thinks you are improving yourself in order to look for an upgrade. Iyswim. No excuse for his behaviour but just a thought .

Well. He's either got to stop this, or you will leave surely? You can't have your DC witnessing this.

I don't think you need to jump through hoops over working out why. Make a note of the instances you refer to, and sit down at a quiet time. Tell him that you're not willing to put up with this, and it it doesn't stop you will leave him.

Let him work out what he's going to do next.

@pamelawamela he's killing your relationship.

I agree he is either projecting or is negging you because his bros on the internet tell him that's how you get and keep a woman.

It's a form of abuse so do not stand for it. He either packs it in or he goes.

Know your worth. You've done NOTHING to deserve this awful behaviour. You have been a loyal, loving partner who has sacrificed your body, career and independence to provide a home to this asshat. He should be bowing at your feet not tearing you down.

If you let this slide now, he will escalate and chip away at your self esteem until you don't know who you are anymore. You'll get used to it and will doubt yourself.

Don't let that happen. Tell fudnuggets to behave or you'll replace him with a man who will.

I had a tale of woe too and I'm not missing any point.
My ex's behaviour started up suddenly too. He wasn't always like that until he started flirting/having some kind of emotional affair with two women via WhatsApp.

Podcasts may be a concern! They can be absolutely toxic and awful towards women :(

Are there any signs of paranoia over different situations or a decline in mental health?

He may well be cheating, or listening to crap online. But as another poster said, id also wonder about mental health if this is completely out of character and you haven't had a reason to suspect infidelity.

There is a lot of things that could be going on.

Men who want to cheat find the time. They can be endlessly inventive. I remember some poor woman on here who was convinced her work from home husband simply wouldn't have the time. She forgot he took the dog out for a long walk every day but the dog still started to get a bit pudgy. Yes, he was having an affair with a woman who lived quite close by and the dog didn't get much of a walk Personally I know of one man who took up running and would return home to his poor pregnant wife simply worn out after having it off with a neighbour. He boasted about it to his male friends who, to be fair, thought it was disgusting behaviour.

My immediate thoughts are he’s either cheating (or thinking about it) and projecting his own guilt onto you or something has changed in the way he views himself and he’s become incredibly insecure, so any interaction you have with other men is making him feel inadequate and he’s seeing stuff that’s simply not there (accusing you of staring at his brother’s crotch for example!).

My ExH was a very jealous person. He wasn’t cheating, he was just so insecure in himself that he’d get in a mood over any friendly interaction I had with a man - even accepting a parcel at the door from the postie 🫠

My first thought is he's cheating and projecting on you what he's actually doing.

Could he be taking any drugs? Particularly smoking weed? Paranoia can come on with that.

Delusional jealousy? Going through this now and didn't come on for 22 years.

It is not acceptable for any partner male or female to act this way