Huge argument

[Maisie2409]

Hi everyone,

Sat here on this Sunday night in floods of tears after a huge row that resulted in my husband grabbing my arms and pushing me. Nothing like this has ever happened before and I feel horrendous / don’t know how to approach this in the morning. It started as a small argument which then escalated - this was largely my fault as I kept asking for an apology and he kept shouting at me to ‘drop it’. He then snapped, grabbed me and pushed me. How do I approach this? I wish I could turn back time and just have dropped the matter :(

What's your relationship like generally? Is this the first time he's done this? Does he hit walls or throw things?

Thanks for replying. It’s largely out of character, but he has thrown something at me once before (it was only a light object and wouldn’t have hurt me, but it was also the closest thing to him so perhaps just lucky in that sense). He usually gets very cold and detached during arguments, I get more emotional which can perhaps trigger more anger in him. I’m so upset, I don’t feel like I’m going to be able to sleep all night whilst he’s there snoring away like he doesn’t care

I’ve no words of wisdom OP but I can only say I truly understand how you feel watching someone who’s hurt you snore away quite happily. I really understand that, it’s very painful because I wouldn’t be able to sleep knowing I’d caused the person I was supposed to love so much distress. I don’t know your situation but mine didn’t end well for me. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s painful. What he did was wrong.

Thank you - I feel the exact same way. It blows my mind as to how cold and detached he can be for somebody who supposedly loves me. I’m sorry it didn’t end well for you. Were the happily snoring away cases whist you were upset a regular occurrence?

It sounds as though his behaviour is escalating. He's gone from throwing things to grabbing and pushing you.

Was there drink involved?

It sounds quite extreme. Have you kids? Have you been married long? He sounds horrible. You need to do something as it can't go on like this. I'd consider leaving. I wouldn't stay with someone who couldn't control their anger.

This is the first, but it's unlikely to be the last if he's asleep.

Escalation of abuse and you are blaming yourself. You are not alone. Pretty much the story of every slowly abused woman.

Are you otherwise safe? Do you have somewhere you can go and support? Financially independent?

I know it's very difficult when you are emotional, but thinking practically as soon as possible will help. Know you don't have to put up with him ever laying hands on you in aggression. Make sure he knows it too.

It’s been a year since the throwing episode - he did seem really remorseful after initially blaming me! I felt hopeful as it seemed like he’d tried to work on himself but this inability to control anger again has really thrown me.
He has struggled with depression in the past which have coincided with an increase in the coldness and difficulty controlling his anger.
We have a baby together - the past couple of months have been really challenging sleep wise and that’s what triggered the initial argument as it had defaulted to me to settle her in the evening when I’m poorly

Sorry AquaFurball - I’m not sure how to reply directly. Do you mean it’s more of a red flag that he’s sleeping following this?

I’m currently on maternity leave but do have a decent job to return to.

I think I’m going to ask for a break in the morning, which is really unlike me as I’ve recognised that I can have a bit of an anxious attachment style and often apologise to resolve things as quickly as possible

Abusers escalate. He went from throwing things to pushing you. He will hit you next if you don't take action. I'm sorry, OP. The fact that you are blaming yourself is also right out of the Abused Wives' Handbook. Please take action. You cannot raise a child in a dangerous home.

He’s just physically abused you because he didn’t want to settle his baby despite you being sick. Have a read of this book.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Depression is not a reason for abuse. There’s are millions of people who suffer with depression who don’t physically and emotionally abuse their wives. There is no reason for abuse. None. You don’t deserve it, you didn’t cause it, you can’t work with it or change it. Domestic abuse is a choice. He is choosing to be abusive to you because it benefits him. He gets control over you and the relationship. Please read the book then contact women’s aid for advice and support to make an exit plan. Counselling can’t change this. You’ll understand why when you read the book. Do not tell him of your intention to leave as this is the most dangerous time for women. Well done for speaking up and seeking support. That’s brave and you should keep doing that.

You're tip toeing around him because he loses his temper when you challenge him. He's teaching you to get back in your box.

You often find out you're with an abuser when you challenge them.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I’m not justifying him pushing you at all but why didn’t you walk away when he asked you to? I think with a new baby you are both under huge pressure and he’s snapped. I’d let him know exactly how he has made you feel and ask for an apology. Hope you can resolve it

Thanks everyone for your supportive messages.

Please can I just ask if it’s normal for a partner to sleep soundly if their partner is really upset and in distress? I’m not just talking about this argument tonight, but more generally. I understand that it’s not always the best time to talk and resolve an argument but this has repeatedly caused me to feel so confused and hurt. I just cannot imagine leaving somebody I love, or even remotely like, like that.

No it’s not normal. It’s cruel. That’s not how someone who loves you behaves.

@Maisie2409 Yes it's a red flag he's sleeping soundly while you are up worrying.

Your update makes it worse. Abusive men often escalate when their partner is pregnant or shortly after a new baby.

Do you have any support? If not speak to your HV. You can call Women's Aid too, you don't need to be ready to leave him to do that. They can offer you support even if you are still with an abusive partner and they are likely to have groups you can attend with your baby too.

It's excellent that you have a decent job to return to, their HR department might also be able to help. Confidentially give you some support. Do you have stay in touch days during your mat leave?

I know, I wasn’t my best self in that scenario and really do wish I’d just dropped it. I just really wanted some acknowledgement from him but obviously should have waited until the morning. I do always take accountability following an argument, possibly too much sometimes.
I do think I might need a break to get my head straight

If he is exhausted generally then yes. Me personally - very fitful if myself and my husband have had an argument! Hope you can have a proper chat in the morning and I wouldn’t read too much into the fact he is asleep while you’re so upset X

Thank you. This coldness has happened time and time again though - not just from baby related tiredness. He can be so lovely but then also so emotionally cold and detached, it’s hard to compute the two

It doesn't matter what you did, no one has a right to grab or push you. He's sleeping soundly because he knows the argument will be resolved as you'll beg for forgiveness tomorrow. You probably won't bring it up again so problem solved.

I hadn’t thought of it like this before, but this is essentially what happens every time. That makes a lot of sense thinking about it from this perspective

That's because he's training you not to challenge him.

My advice to you is to do absolutely nothing except have a chat with Refuge. I'm sure there's a lot more going on and I can see the red flags from space.

Have a chat about your relationship with a professional and take it from there.

I can guarantee he’s not on a forum saying he’s not been his best self. He’s abusive and it’ll get worse.

Many of us have been there and can spot all the signs including you blaming yourself and being confused at his ability to sleep soundly after an argument.

you need sleep and time to think and don’t keep doing the same thing, don’t apologise and whatever you do, don’t tell him your plans or show him this thread. Sorry you’re going through this and with a baby too.

Get copies of all the bank statements, mortgage statements, his P60 etc without him seeing, then "ask for a break" that you don't come back from.

Abuse only ever escalates and he only has to get physical every once in a while for you to live in terror of him and be yielding to his every whim. You and your baby deserve better than that.