A woman’s view on this situation.

[CruzerLL]

Hope you don’t mind me posting. Married Man here 49, Wife 47. 3 x children in their late teens, 25 years married. I am a non drinker. Not bad looking, carrying a few pounds, she is very Glamorous and spends lots of time and effort on her appearance.

We used to be a good team, did lots together and had a great sex life. Sadly the burden of finances, time and life have taken their toll. If I post this on a men’s forum sadly the response will be a hardcore one and littered with talk of getting back to the gym and staging one’s exit secretly.

So onto the issues.

I make 150k Pa, she makes 60k, the after tax amount however is more like 75k / 45k. I pay all the bills related to the house, utilities, property tax, resident fees, holidays and shopping, she pays for her car, insurance and things related to the children, clothes etc. The problem I have with this is the kids see everything good coming from her, although with the children grown, it’s a bit late addressing this now.

Due to a failed joint investment we have a big mortgage and things for me (I say me because I pay the bills) are tight, I have asked her to pool our finances and we could work out of the same account. She gets very irate with this suggestion and accuses me of trying to control her. I have said that I don’t care how she’s managed her finances before and we should start with a clear slate and new bank account.

She says she feels like if she wants money from me she has to beg, but I’m encouraging the sharing of accounts with joint access so she won’t even have to ask me. I bought her last car outright and I paid 20k to help her buy a secondhand Porsche before Christmas.

Every year she buys a designer bag, her last one cost 6K, she keeps on top of her beauty regime, eyebrows, Botox etc. Her wardrobes are overflowing with clothes that bizarrely she never wears. New shoes in boxes and bags and bags of makeup. This I feel is the main reason she refuses transparency in our finances.

I have pleaded with her to try and budget her finances, she goes from credit union loan to credit union loan. Thankfully I got her to cancel her credit cards years ago.

Like every other marriage we’ve had our ups and downs but there’s been no infidelity on my behalf anyway. I have my suspicions regarding my wife, if there was infidelity however it was in the distant past. I don’t place any emphasis on this and I’m only mentioning it for context. I might add however she travels weekly in her job to another country and if she wanted to have an affair she is ideally placed.

My wife has a high expectation of how she likes to be treated, she talks of wanting a man to be her knight in shining armour, she says her mother is her best friend and her children are her world.

She has her own little narrative and claims she single handedly raised the children on her own, I don’t even like the children, I do nothing etc etc. None of this is true and I do everything with and for my children and am here all the time for them.

She also told me in an argument her parents despise me, more on this below.

She has discusses everything with her mother, so much so that after one minor argument her narcissistic father decided to continue it with me in a public forum. I told him he had no business interfering in our marriage. Fatal mistake on my behalf, maybe the marriage never recovered after this. She didn’t support me in the aftermath and I grovelled for a year.

We also attended therapy after this and she accused the female therapist of siding with me, she then refused to attend any more sessions.

Her mother and her sister are now commenting on our daughter’s personality and have suggested we take her to a psychiatrist. They have a little cabal with the mother as the matriarch. She is 19 year old and is just surly and doesn’t play to the gallery when she sees them. Needless to say I have told my wife that I will not be doing anything of the sort. I might add I have fallen foul of this cabal.

My wife never initiated sex, never a comforting hug, a hand on the shoulder. She has refused sex completely now for 3 years using every excuse in the book. She won’t even go for a walk with me.

In October I tried to give her a hug, she reciprocated and I moved to kiss her, I proceed to kiss with my tongue and she said “No Tongues” going on to say we never French kissed which is a lie. It reminds me of a scene in a film where a high class hooker refuse to french kiss a client as she keeps those for her lover.

Anyway I’m 49, I feel my wife has checked out, she certainly doesn’t have my back when speaking with her family.

The bond that jointly sharing and administering the family’s finances and having a physical closeness isn’t there. I’d like for the two of use to participate together and plan for the today and the future, is this wrong?

If you’re still with me, thanks. Apologies if my post is a bit fragmented but I’m writing this on the fly.

It’s a lonely life for me today and I’m hoping some of you maybe have some insight on what could be playing out here.

Thanks all………

The problem I have with this is the kids see everything good coming from her, although with the children grown, it’s a bit late addressing this now.
Agreed, too late. But money isn't everything so if you have been fully in their lives taking them to friends houses, cooking their favourite meals or sitting with them to watch TV or chatting then you are fine. You did do that right? Emotional bonding?

You are both making a lot of money so I can't understand why things are tight. Have you sat down and gone through ALL outgoings? You might be able to save a ton of money by doing this.

Her mother and her sister are now commenting on our daughter’s personality and have suggested we take her to a psychiatrist.
Is she struggling though? Would she prefer a GP to discuss any mental health challenges? Children don't always open up to parents but they do to grandparents and aunts (and friends). Tread lightly here as your DD might be needing help. Have you tried talking to her and ask her what she needs?

In October I tried to give her a hug, she reciprocated and I moved to kiss her, I proceed to kiss with my tongue
Ewwwwwww. Just why?!?!? You've not had sex in three years and you go straight to tongues? Where's the romance , the courting, the seduction?

She has her own little narrative and claims she single handedly raised the children on her own, I don’t even like the children, I do nothing etc etc. None of this is true
So what exactly did you do? My Ex would say he raised the children too but being in the same room or laughing at their jokes or shouting up the stairs at them to stop messing around and clean their teeth doesn't fall under real parenting. He had no idea who their friends were or their favourite food, and he definitely didn't do their washing, or took them shopping, or knew their GP or dentist, or what sized shoes they wore.

What are you hoping for here? Quite honestly you seem all over the place - would you consider counselling just for you?

She has checked out and you are her mobile cheque book! It’s normal in marriage to have joint finances so your request isn’t unreasonable. She is obviously enjoying spending her money on herself and h ins defensive that you are trying to resolve the finances. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation as I can’t see many positives to this marriage . Good luck

Hey CruzerLL, dont listen to awaitingfreedom. You are not at all seeming "all over the place".

Honestly that user sounds like a nightmare. Men are tools for her selfish ends and it seems your wife thinks the same. It is especially notable that a professional therapist agreed with YOU. Listen to the professional, not grumpy man haters on a forum absolutely rife with them.

Sounds exhausting.

Is the mortgage joint?

Why the hell would you buy a £20k car when money is tight?

She's checked out of the marriage. Do the same.

I’m going to go with the Mumsnet classic “LTB”.

what are you getting from this relationship? It sounds like you are nothing more than a chequebook for her.

the kids are grown, you don’t have anything in common, she badmouths you to anyone who will listen, she pits her family against you, there is no physical affection. She sounds narcissistic and she caught it from her mum. LTB.

That sounds a hard situation and then some. It’s clear you love your wife but hate the imbalance. She has checked out. Her needs are being met. Yours aren’t. It sounds like you’ve tried to reason but no compromise even attempted. From an outsiders point of view your Wife sounds spoilt and high maintenance. She has a standard of living most would never hope to achieve so she’s taking it and you for granted. Don’t get me wrong. Male or female who doesn’t want financial stability but aside from being decorative ask to what extent are your emotional, mental, sexual, spiritual, physical needs met? It’s no wonder you feel lonely when you are effectively one hand clapping. It’s up to you if you stay. Life is short however and something has to give. As for her running to her Mum that’s a huge red flag too. I don’t even tell my best friend if DH and I row. That’s between us.

Is that your Sister In Law!? Always one. From this end it’s not you who sounds all over the place. Just sorry you are alone in your marriage. Focus on you and the kids and take a step back. If she has space maybe you’ll get the ending you want. If she doesn’t notice or doesn’t make an effort you’ll have your answer. At the end of the day love should feel good. A good relationship makes it’s sum parts greater. A bad one shrinks you and makes you feel half the person you were.

Hi op. Middle-aged female here, married for slightly longer than you.

I can understand why you are struggling. It sounds very lonely.

It's difficult to say what's going on without hearing your wife's side of things but it sounds like you and your DW have gradually grown apart and you are the one making all of the effort to try and rectify matters, but she is not reciprocating at all.

There could be a number of reasons for that.

To take one example, is there any truth at all in what she is saying about "She has her own little narrative and claims she single handedly raised the children on her own, I don’t even like the children, I do nothing etc etc. None of this is true and I do everything with and for my children and am here all the time for them."

I am not saying she is right op, but the reason I ask is that this is one of the most familiar scenarios on Mumsnet about why marriages fail.

Wife does all the school runs, the clothes buying, the dentist, doctor and hairdresser appts, the extra curricular stuff, the clothes buying, the party organising, the holiday planning, the hwk supervision, the food shopping, planning and cooking, the lion's share of the housework, while holding down a ft job, which leaves her feeling resentful, as her DH has no idea of the stress and mental load she is carrying around in her head.

And the resentment builds to the point that the wife shuts down. And after a while the wife checks out and when the DH seeks intimacy she thinks, "where were you when I needed support at 3 am when the toddler was sick or one of the kids needed taking to the out of hours doctor?"

So how many of the tasks above did you do DH? Was it an even split when the DC were young? Did you initiate doing household tasks or did you have to be asked? Were you up as many times as her in the night with the DC? Who is helping the DC pick out further education places now and driving them to open days?

Sorry to say but some men have very little clue about all of the tasks involved in running a household and raising 3 DC. And BC they don't have a clue, they think they are doing well when they take out the bins and empty the DW daily when there are infinitely more tasks to do.

If you were a fully active father, why are her family against you too?

Another common reason why women check out is not feeling cared about and emotionally connected to their husbands and having a great friendship as a foundation. Did you make her feel safe? Did you go out of your way to make her feel appreciated? (It sounds like you did if you bought her a Porsche! Was that her idea?) Were you interested in talking to her and asking about her day? How did you respond when she brought up a problem between you? Did you immediately jump to fix it mode or did you really listen? Or were you essentially telling her three ways why she was wrong to feel that way?

Aside from the above, the way you describe her op, it doesn't sound like there is much mutual respect left, and once that has gone, it is really a kiss of death to a marriage.

It sounds like she has everything organised to suit herself and is defending that status quo. (I wonder why you didn't pool family money from the outset?)

The thing that sounds particularly bad to me though is the lack of loyalty that your wife is demonstrating siding with her family over you. She sounds like she is enmeshed with her family in a very unhealthy way and has no proper boundaries. Once married, your first loyalty should unequivocally be to your spouse, no excuses, and you are right, her parents should absolutely not be interfering in your marriage.

Incidentally, £6,000 sounds like absolute madness to me to spend on a handbag. I once spent nearly £200 on a handbag and felt so guilty about it that I never did it again! So that all sounds very extravagant on what is a 45 k salary after tax, which is not a massive amount.

What isn't entirely clear from your post op is whether you have definitely decided to end it, although you are obviously some way along that path? It sounds like you are seeking opinions on whether you are justified in ending it?

On the basis of what you have written here I would say you are absolutely justified in doing so.

It sounds like there is no fun or friendship left in your marriage. Do you ever go out together alone? Chill together at home? Talk and laugh together?

Once there is no loyalty left, no mutual respect, no sex life, you both disagree fundamentally over money and parenting; and your wife isn't willing to try and fix anything by attending therapy, sorry to say but what else is there left?

What do you think her reaction will be to calling it a day op? She can't be emotionally happy in the relationship as you have described it, so I'm surprised that she would want to stay tbh?

Good luck with your decision.

So how many of the tasks above did you do DH?

^^ obviously that should read, “so how many of the tasks above did you do OP? “

Too late to edit!

Obviously a Freudian slip on my part! 😄

She’s not on your side. That's fundamental. You both sound unhappy. You’re unappreciated and she’s focussing on looks and status purchases.

Protect yourself financially. You sound fair and decent so should understand that you’ll need to keep supporting the children for a few more years even if you separate and they decide to go with her.

What are you actually getting from continuing the marriage? Sounds very sad.

Just leave. However, I think yours will be an expensive LTB.

Get legal advice on your finances rights and responsibilities if you divorce

Get therapy if your DC needs it

I think she's biding her time. She has freedom to run off on her weekly work adventures, salary as her fun money, uses you as a housekeeper to keep an eye on things at home and the dc. She trapped you. Dont have an affair it will make you the bad guy and complicate your situation. Start looking after your health and do fun stuff, connect with friends or just go on your own. Maybe look into therapy because your self esteem sounds low. You will be a catch for other women even with the weight and 3 kids.

She knows she cant afford this lifestyle on her own.

I'm also curious about expensive purchases when you say you're struggling financially. This seems to be the easiest way to cut back.

I also agree that it sounds like she's biding her time.

Honestly, I don’t understand why you think random women would have any insight into why your wife behaves like this. You’re in a better position to know than we are, she’s your wife.
You need to talk to her. Tell her all of these things and see what she says. Ask her if she’s willing to try to rebuild the relationship and if not, break up.
No amount of input from internet strangers is going to fix your marriage. It may make your feelings seem justified or validated, may be a relief to vent, but ultimately you need to talk to your wife.
The fact that you’ve cataloged all the things you hold against her in detail is not healthy at all.

She'll probably have duty sex if op has the talk. This lifestyle is unaffordable for her on her 60k a year when she has bills to pay for. You deserve better op.
Also the comments on parenting, if your job is for botox and shopping of course you will have more time to take them to gp and dentist 🙄 life is not 50 50 in all areas all the time equally.
Ignore my comment about sending daughter to therapy i reread and see that your daughter sees through them.
You can do better than your mrs.

This. As there is no plausible reason to think that some internet strangers are going to have any insight into your wife’s motivations, I can only assume you are looking for a bunch of strangers on the internet to castigate her in response to your list of her crimes.

This marriage sounds dead to me. You don’t love her, you don’t like her, and the relationship, by your account, is bringing you nothing. Why not take steps to end it civilly and focus on a workable co-parenting arrangement?

This. You say you don't want to be told to leave but clearly resent her and list everything she doesn't do right.

You presumably chose a woman who gives off wealthy vibes in a certain way (nails, hair, clothes and bags) and even encouraged her to buy a Porche, so she clearly has reinforced messaging from you that you expect and want this in a wife.

Get some therapy with her.

Life is too short to be unhappy and lonely in your own marriage. Plus you deserve better.

So when a man understands his feelings and can communicate them clearly, he is "unhealthily cataloging". LOL. Y'all like weak and subordinate men who can't stand up for themselves emotionally, so you can use and abuse them. Do you get some sick kind of sense of power out of this?

At any rate, men are waking up to this type of gaslighting.

Leave her. She sounds ghastly.

He’s communicating them in the wrong place. That’s the point.

If you want to stay together then talk to her about what you both want during the next few years. If you can’t find a way to communicate there’s no point in being together. I can’t see the point of mumsnetters trying to guess how she’s feeling.

What @Theydidleaveamark555 said