A woman’s view on this situation.

[CruzerLL]

Hope you don’t mind me posting. Married Man here 49, Wife 47. 3 x children in their late teens, 25 years married. I am a non drinker. Not bad looking, carrying a few pounds, she is very Glamorous and spends lots of time and effort on her appearance.

We used to be a good team, did lots together and had a great sex life. Sadly the burden of finances, time and life have taken their toll. If I post this on a men’s forum sadly the response will be a hardcore one and littered with talk of getting back to the gym and staging one’s exit secretly.

So onto the issues.

I make 150k Pa, she makes 60k, the after tax amount however is more like 75k / 45k. I pay all the bills related to the house, utilities, property tax, resident fees, holidays and shopping, she pays for her car, insurance and things related to the children, clothes etc. The problem I have with this is the kids see everything good coming from her, although with the children grown, it’s a bit late addressing this now.

Due to a failed joint investment we have a big mortgage and things for me (I say me because I pay the bills) are tight, I have asked her to pool our finances and we could work out of the same account. She gets very irate with this suggestion and accuses me of trying to control her. I have said that I don’t care how she’s managed her finances before and we should start with a clear slate and new bank account.

She says she feels like if she wants money from me she has to beg, but I’m encouraging the sharing of accounts with joint access so she won’t even have to ask me. I bought her last car outright and I paid 20k to help her buy a secondhand Porsche before Christmas.

Every year she buys a designer bag, her last one cost 6K, she keeps on top of her beauty regime, eyebrows, Botox etc. Her wardrobes are overflowing with clothes that bizarrely she never wears. New shoes in boxes and bags and bags of makeup. This I feel is the main reason she refuses transparency in our finances.

I have pleaded with her to try and budget her finances, she goes from credit union loan to credit union loan. Thankfully I got her to cancel her credit cards years ago.

Like every other marriage we’ve had our ups and downs but there’s been no infidelity on my behalf anyway. I have my suspicions regarding my wife, if there was infidelity however it was in the distant past. I don’t place any emphasis on this and I’m only mentioning it for context. I might add however she travels weekly in her job to another country and if she wanted to have an affair she is ideally placed.

My wife has a high expectation of how she likes to be treated, she talks of wanting a man to be her knight in shining armour, she says her mother is her best friend and her children are her world.

She has her own little narrative and claims she single handedly raised the children on her own, I don’t even like the children, I do nothing etc etc. None of this is true and I do everything with and for my children and am here all the time for them.

She also told me in an argument her parents despise me, more on this below.

She has discusses everything with her mother, so much so that after one minor argument her narcissistic father decided to continue it with me in a public forum. I told him he had no business interfering in our marriage. Fatal mistake on my behalf, maybe the marriage never recovered after this. She didn’t support me in the aftermath and I grovelled for a year.

We also attended therapy after this and she accused the female therapist of siding with me, she then refused to attend any more sessions.

Her mother and her sister are now commenting on our daughter’s personality and have suggested we take her to a psychiatrist. They have a little cabal with the mother as the matriarch. She is 19 year old and is just surly and doesn’t play to the gallery when she sees them. Needless to say I have told my wife that I will not be doing anything of the sort. I might add I have fallen foul of this cabal.

My wife never initiated sex, never a comforting hug, a hand on the shoulder. She has refused sex completely now for 3 years using every excuse in the book. She won’t even go for a walk with me.

In October I tried to give her a hug, she reciprocated and I moved to kiss her, I proceed to kiss with my tongue and she said “No Tongues” going on to say we never French kissed which is a lie. It reminds me of a scene in a film where a high class hooker refuse to french kiss a client as she keeps those for her lover.

Anyway I’m 49, I feel my wife has checked out, she certainly doesn’t have my back when speaking with her family.

The bond that jointly sharing and administering the family’s finances and having a physical closeness isn’t there. I’d like for the two of use to participate together and plan for the today and the future, is this wrong?

If you’re still with me, thanks. Apologies if my post is a bit fragmented but I’m writing this on the fly.

It’s a lonely life for me today and I’m hoping some of you maybe have some insight on what could be playing out here.

Thanks all………

Very odd response here for this man. Bizarre views on your role in raising your own children if that’s how you measure your Ex husbands input.

You sound absolutely lovely.

I’d like for the two of use to participate together and plan for the today and the future, is this wrong?

Not wrong necessarily, but why? Why do you want to be in a couple with her given everything you've written here?

Tbh op, it sounds like this marriage has run its course. Time to see a lawyer and split?

He sounds like he hates her. Just another creepy bloke plopping in i suppose.

Communication is an obvious issue, as you both have very different views on...absolutely everything, it seems.

If you're unhappy that your wife pays for everything for the children, why didn't you address this sooner? Did you ever step in and say, for example, 'I know school fees are due in January, why don't we take it in turns and I'll pay them this time' or take them shopping for school clothes or pick up a toy or magazine from them on the way home from work etc? It's not too late to change this now. Say you feel it's unfair she has to pay for everything for the children and you'd like to contribute?

I can see why she's worried you may start commenting on/restricting her spending, if she's used to buying such expensive things without considering cost. You obviously need her to chip in more to cover mortgage and bills. Does she understand both her own and your current finances? Have you been blunt and showed her all the outgoings and said e.g. I may earn £3000 pm, but after bills, I only have £20 left. This leaves us with no emergency money if something with the house/car/our health goes wrong. Maybe she's just sticking her head in the sand and doesn't actually believe things are as tight as you say? If you tallied up all bills (including what she currently covers), and then suggested you both set up a new joint account and pay in an amount (proportionate to salary) to cover bills, would she agree to that?

There are a lot of women who would say that, in effect, they are single parents (it's a regular comment on mumsnet!), as their partner does nothing/so little, yet their partner would strongly disagree because they once did a load of washing or they take the garbage out once a month. It sounds like you've both let some resentment build up. You certainly don't speak well of her, and the comment about the hooker was below the belt. If she feels the same about you, it's not a surprise she doesn't want a physical relationship with you.

She may have been right about the therapist. (A friend had this experience.) Did you suggest she seek out a new therapist and attend sessions alone?

Does she want to stay married? Are you able to have an honest conversation with her about what you both want from the next 20+ years? I think I would start from there. And if she says yes, go through the importance of both setting up a budget together. If you can't communicate finances effectively to each other, would it help to have a session with an accountant, so someone independent is giving the advice, rather than it feeling like it's just coming from you?

I'm sorry OP from what you've said you are barely married and your DW has all but checked out. Where do you see yourself in this relationship 5 years from now, I doubt you'd want this situation. Couples therapy has been tried and your wife didn't want to hear it so that's an avenue closed. You've also tried talking and got nowhere either, you've at least had a go at changing things but DW is not on board.

Personally were I you I'd get some therapy for yourself, your self esteem must be rock bottom or close to it. Many women don't mind a few extra lbs on a man but if gym helps with your self esteem then go for it. Sorry that's exactly the answer you didn't want but like other PP have said it sounds like your relationship has run it's course, you are now just a walking ATM and while you're not sure about infidelity on her part, it's started to creep in as an idea and once you have lost trust, you have no relationship whether she has been unfaithful or not.

No one but you and your wife can tell you to leave so it's up to you but I'd definitely be looking at my future options and whether I felt I could cope with this situation continuing, outside of what you have already tried I can't see any other real workable solutions for a marriage where only one is interested in trying to maintain the relationship.

Everything you’ve written about your wife sounds like you’ve absolutely checked out too.

I know many high earning couples, none of the fathers in these couples have much relationship with their children, as work was always the priority. £100k jobs tend not to be compatible with hands on fathering, which rightly or wrongly makes me doubt what you’re saying on that front.

In all honesty you should probably split, but the way you’ve written this makes me think this is exactly what you want to hear, and that before long you’ll have moved on from the family you don’t appear to like very much.

That isn't at all what you or anyone else said though. You said, and I quoted already but here it is again for your convenience:

"The fact that you’ve cataloged all the things you hold against her in detail is not healthy at all."

Which is the thing you said that I responded to. You're just mad to be called out so you're trying to muddy the conversation by changing the subject.

Stay on track please and if you have other unrelated comments, make those into a new comment rather than trying to cover up what you already said because it was revealed to be so incredibly toxic and misandrist.

This man has been putting up with an incredible amount from his wife and inlaws, and he's come here politely and respectfully looking for answers. Specifically he is looking for answers other than what he knows he'll receive on men's forums precisely because he wants to make the relationship work and he is hoping the women her have good advice for him.

But instead they are dog piling on him, assuming the worst about him, and offering literally not a single piece of actionable advice. Great showing for women 👏

You are reading all sorts of things into my post that aren’t there. Why are you being so aggressive? You sound unhinged.

Is are grown up, life's too short to be u happy, id tell her your not happy and if she doesn't work with you to resolve it in a set time, id be gone, sounds like a
Grim relationship.

Kids that should say.

We’ve read this in very different ways.

I quoted you directly, I'm not "reading in"; additionally, I mentioned one thing, not "all sorts of things".

Calling you out on toxic behavior on an impersonal text based conversation forum is not aggression.

Why can you not take any criticism like a mature person? Why can you not discuss rationally and reasonably without resorting to ad hominem? You sound unhinged.

In October I tried to give her a hug, she reciprocated and I moved to kiss her, I proceed to kiss with my tongue
Ewwwwwww. Just why?!?!? You've not had sex in three years and you go straight to tongues? Where's the romance , the courting, the seduction?

Good point

She’s checked out and just using you for cash and lifestyle benefits.
Should you decide to file for divorce, don’t be surprised if she’s rather… organised in her financial asks and response through a solicitor you never knew she had.
She’s been smart about ensuring her money is spent on ‘stuff’ whilst yours is spent on assets - because she’ll get a share of those assets.
She’s played you like a fiddle I’m afraid.

It's not about interpretation. This is not art. This is a discussion in which words have meaning and truth of events in this thread is demonstrable. You try to wriggle all you want though.

I think "read this in different ways" is really a euphemism for "knowingly made a bunch of bad faith assumptions".

Ex 1:
"rightly or wrongly makes me doubt what you’re saying on that front."

Here you admit that you are choosing to make a negative assumption instead of give benefit of the doubt and you even admit that it might be the wrong choice. Why make it then?

Ex 2:
"you should probably split, but the way you’ve written this makes me think this is exactly what you want to hear"

Here you make another assumption which is in direct contrast to both any possible context clue in the OP, as well as in direct contrast to OP's stated wishes (he says this is why he chose not to go to men's forums). Why do you assume the opposite of what he says?

Ex 3:
"before long you’ll have moved on from the family you don’t appear to like very much."

You are totally mischaracterizing his post. You're totally twisting things here. Him expressing his suffering at mistreatment from his DW =/= him not loving her . . .

Do you not see that at every turn you choose to see the worst? This truly exposes how you feel about men. And you admit that this is a negative bias based on purely anecdotal experience:
"I know many high earning couples"

If I wrote in ways that demonstrated equal amount of disdain and low opinion of women, I'd rightfully be called a bigot even if I attempted to qualify my negativity as based on real world experience. But then I suppose I could just retort with "we're just reading this in very different ways".

You can't justify misandry just as a man cannot justify misogyny.

Sounds like you were attracted to a shallow ‘glamourous’ woman and you’ve realised too late that there is no depth, no loyalty and ultimately no care for anyone but herself.

In these situations I always wonder why the op, man or woman, makes such a duff choice in the first place, then puts up with years of it. And has multiple children!

Saying her mother is her best friend, and her children are her ‘world’ is the key message that you are nowhere. Stop trying to put your tongue down her throat (just why?) and agree terms to free each other to be happy elsewhere.

It sounds like it's over op, sorry.

You are a long time dead. Do you really want to spend the rest of your days with her?

She is selfish and has clearly checked out both physically and emotionally using you as a financial resource only

your kids probably know you fund the home

and she pays nothing towards it

good luck