Unreasonable Neighbour?

[Beautiful123]

Hi I just want to put this out for your opinions on my dilemma with my neighbour. She has lived there for a long time alone with her dog and has mental health issues which she's talked about with me.
It's me and my husband that live next door to her. The kids have all left home so we downsized to a semi a couple of years ago. We work hard throughout the week and at the weekends like to eat out and have a couple of drinks. When we get home we sometimes like to play music through the Alexa while playing a board game.
Last night we had my MIL come out with us and stay over -she's in her 80s and has onset dementia so we're enjoying quality time with her while we can.
Last night our neighbour was sending text messages to turn the music down and said she could hear us talking and laughing. We've considered her since knowing about her problems by moving everything that makes a noise to the opposite side from her. We have music over the far side of our extension in the summer as well which she bought up last night. This is the 3rd time this has occurred and I'm starting to feel claustrophobic with it.
I have gripes with her I could bring up but I don't because I just think it's life being lived and you have to give and take. Her dog barks excessively sometimes and she's wrecked the shared grass verge outside our property which we maintain. Thoughts please thank you for reading

I don’t think she’s being unreasonable. Showing consideration for your neighbours is just common courtesy. If your music is disturbing her it’s only polite to turn it down.

Dogs barking and verge issues aside, your music is obviously very loud if an 80 year old can hear it through their walls OP.

Sorry I’ll go against the grain. If it’s one night every so often then tough for your neighbour. 80 years of or not we all have to live. I’d understand if it was every night of the week.

She’s defo being unreasonable. I lived in a flat years ago with my ex and we had old neighbours like that. On a Saturday we wanted to listen to music and they complained each and everytime. I used to say it’s only a Saturday night from say 5 until 8 with very soft music but they complained regardless. Some people just complain no matter what.

How good were you at comprehension at school?

Nobody reads anything properly anymore, the neighbour isn’t 80 years old

Just to clarify. My neighbour is in her early 50s
My MIL in her 80s was staying with us last night
We don't have music on that much just occasionally

Invite her in to join you.

How loud is the music (and are you talking or is there shouting going on)? If it’s normal volume but the soundproofing is just shit then you’re not being unreasonable as long as it’s not at an antisocial time. If it’s high volume then I think YABU and could turn it down a bit.

I'm sitting in my living room, no tv on. I can hear my upstairs neighbour talking with his girlfriend, muted but can still hear. And next door's music, it's plinky plonky, she might be doing yoga. But I live in a flat and accept that I'll hear my neighbours from time to time. Stop living a normal life to appease your neighbour, it makes their complaints seem reasonable.
I also don't need to know the local football team's score as I hear every emotion from upstairs 😂

It's likely that her MH health issues are making her fixate on your noise while remaining oblivious to her own annoyances. Anxiety, OCD, depression etc can all do this. Minor irritations push you over the edge. It's background music while they play a board game, not a party where you have to yell over each other.

I think Sparkfairy you have hit the nail on the head. She did tell us that the previous occupancy were noisy and they only lived here for 2 years. We are actually sat here now in our front room in total silence and cannot hear a single sound coming from next door. The walls are thick and like you said she fixated on sounds coming from ours.

This is difficult but the crux of it is, how ‘reasonable’ is your noise? If it’s background music you are comfortably talking over without raising your voices then unfortunately she needs to suck it up; she lives in a semi detached house and unfortunately you will sometimes hear each other. If you’re shouting or playing music loudly then obviously that’s unacceptable. Not sure what uk suggest tbh aside from keeping noise to a minimum and shutting down complaints when they come with an explanation that you behaving reasonably and therefore won’t change your behaviour.

If she texts again, tell her "we will be turning off at 10pm" (or whatever is a reasonable time). And then do so.

Part of what makes noise from neighbours so disruptive is having no control over it. If she knows when the noise will stop, she may be less stressed.

If she can hear your music it's too loud.

Everyone is allowed to listen to music! I think you need to ignore the texts and ignore her I’m afraid. She won’t get anywhere with complaints because a bit of music is reasonable. That’s the test. What is reasonable. Laughing and playing a bit of music is reasonable. Personally, I would move!

Tell her it's not you and you thought it was her but were too polite to say...

Give your neighbour a heads up in advance, that you have a guest, that it may be louder than normal. Tell them what time you expect the noise to stop.

Job done.

Some places the walls are very thin. I remember years ago I could literally hear the neighbours plop of their number 2 and then chain flush !!!

Tricky as a neighbour.

A dog barking excessive needs looking into . So an anonymous call to rspca to check dog is well. As mental health can create side effects of forgetting feeding.

Perhaps have a friendly word and say Hi Lucy, I got your texts and wondered if we can have a chat because we don't do the music often and it's not loud, so I'm wondering what works best for you so we are all happy. Would you like to know in advance so you can be prepared you will hear it through these walls sadly or you can choose to visit family that night etc

It only escalates..my neighbour is the same..I kept appeasing and apologised..it started with opening loft hatch at 5pm too noisy..then moving anything..then apparently the noise of getting a saucepan out the cupboard...to also apparently my butt makes too much noise when I sit on the sofa and to rearrange my living room to ensure nothing is near their wall...i swear half the noise they insist I make doesn't exist as they are banging at me when I'm silently napping...they just hate me now 😂 and listen out for any creaks to be me merely existing. It's fine though they are currently giving me the silent treatment..

Confusedasper I feel for you that sounds absolutely horrendous. I'm starting to get paranoid now especially when I'm on the loo thinking I'm being listened to 🤣

I think it’s normal to be able to hear through a shared wall. We can hear our neighbours TV, sneezing, and any shouting. It’s a 1930s semi. So your neighbour is being unreasonable.

@Beautiful123 I had a lady tenant who had a cat in an upstairs flat. the lady below her constantly complained about the noise my tenants cat made jumping off the sofa onto a carpeted floor!! honestly, how much noise does a cat make!! any reason to complain and she would find it!

Tell her the music was to drown out her ddog barking..... Or ask if she wants a request playing..... Ask her when the lawn is being replaced... Neighbourly goes 2 ways.

I was for a while 😂 i was crying at one point when they got so nasty and started slamming on my walls swearing because I dropped my coke can 😂😂

I've lost the will to care now though, they're nuts 😂
I'm prepared at the next confrontation to ask if they would like me to contact the landlords to discuss about soundproofing as being driven insane by the noise of my butt on the sofa must surely be an issue with the building if the sound travels like that to cause such psychological harm :)

You need to nip this in the bud. The quieter you are, the quieter you will need to be.