Unreasonable Neighbour?

[Beautiful123]

Hi I just want to put this out for your opinions on my dilemma with my neighbour. She has lived there for a long time alone with her dog and has mental health issues which she's talked about with me.
It's me and my husband that live next door to her. The kids have all left home so we downsized to a semi a couple of years ago. We work hard throughout the week and at the weekends like to eat out and have a couple of drinks. When we get home we sometimes like to play music through the Alexa while playing a board game.
Last night we had my MIL come out with us and stay over -she's in her 80s and has onset dementia so we're enjoying quality time with her while we can.
Last night our neighbour was sending text messages to turn the music down and said she could hear us talking and laughing. We've considered her since knowing about her problems by moving everything that makes a noise to the opposite side from her. We have music over the far side of our extension in the summer as well which she bought up last night. This is the 3rd time this has occurred and I'm starting to feel claustrophobic with it.
I have gripes with her I could bring up but I don't because I just think it's life being lived and you have to give and take. Her dog barks excessively sometimes and she's wrecked the shared grass verge outside our property which we maintain. Thoughts please thank you for reading

Youre allowed to make reasonable noise until 11pm. Does she sit in silence her side? Maybe shes got a bit of anxiety from the previous owners. Neighbour noise can be difficult if you have a-holes living next door attached onto you.

With the shared grass verge there is something you can sprinkle to deter dogs just wait for her to go out first

Find it hard to believe your music is that loud if you're playing a board game - generally you need to be able to hear each other.

And talking and laughing in your own home, my god, you antisocial fiends. 😂

As long as it's not into the night and is genuinely not wall-shakingly loud, carry on.

Is it definitely your noise that she can hear - and not in her head?

My DGM had bad MH issues and she was always complaining about the neighbours shouting up and accusing her of things when they were perfectly normal, non-noisy (mainly elderly) neighbours.

None of us could hear anything whatsoever from them (she had a detached house!) and she was incredulous when we told her (truthfully) that we couldn't.

How late was it? If it was after 10pm then I think your neighbour has a point.

BoxOfCats it was 10pm and just after for half an hour so probably was a little late. I've picked up some great tips to deal with this so thank you all.
We have invited her round on a couple of occasions when we've had family round when we first moved in.
I've always apologised when we've had work done and warned her prior that it may be noisy for a while.
I've kept my frustration about our shared grass verge being fully parked on and wrecked but I let that one out during our text conversation on Saturday night when she was complaining about the music and hearing us laughing and talking.

Also in future I'll pop a note through the door forewarning that there will be some music on up to a certain time

When her dog is barking perhaps tell her rather than suffering in silence . It goes two ways she needs to be considerate also

Just remember that no one can expect silence from a neighbour. Living has some noise attached to it. In fact you are even allowed a party occasionally! It’s not illegal. Most people do tell neighbours about a party but not standard music at a normal level of volume. You will be a hostage to her if you let her know every slightly “noisy” thing you do! You absolutely should mention the grass. Maybe when you apologise in advance for your music and laughing. I’d still try and move.

TizerorFizz why should we move?we've spent a lot of money getting this house how we want it and it's beautiful . We moved here 21 months ago and I'm certainly not moving again

@Beautiful123 On reflection - I think you are right. We’ve had a couple of odd neighbours and still do! We have not moved but I’ve often thought about it! I then think like you - we have done a lot to this house and I am not being driven out. So my comment was not what we’ve done but what we’ve thought about. You cannot guarantee great neighbours anywhere of course.

I have decided not to speak or communicate with our next door neighbour. DH does occasionally but they don’t like cutting their hedge which restricts access to our house. It’s deliberate, DH will negotiate with them. I dislike them intensely and the man is worse than rude. If any delivery van comes to our house and knocks 7 bells out of their overhanging hedge - good!

I find unreasonable people a trial to live with and I won’t bow to their deliberately obstructive position. They won’t change and I want reasonable access to my house. You can only bend to their rules so much. Our neighbours are trying to control us and so is yours. By all means tough it out but I can assure you it’s hard work. I have been in this house for 37 years and never had pleasant neighbours. Ignoring them has kept me sane because there’s no answer to unreasonable twats. That’s partly why I suggested moving.

If you're on speaking terms with her already I'd suggest doing a sound test with one of you going around to her house and the other partner controlling the volume of the music so you can get an idea of what is a problematic level. We did this when our next door neighbours was up for sale so we could get an idea of how far we could crank up our tunes. Laughing and talking is perfectly normal and reasonable though and just something she'll have to put up with! I'd mention the dog to her when she says something if it is still an issue going forward to put across that everyone has to make compromises!!

Banging on walls is antisocial behaviour and can be reported to the council

Her neighbour isn't 80, her mother is.

My next door neighbours daughter played the cornet starting about 8pm on many occasions. During the work week I often started winding down for bed just then. They played it really badly and loudly for hours. 1 night I had an interview the next day and so I got dressed and went next door and asked if they would ask her to stop. They laughed at me and said no. From the following night on I went to bed at my usual early time and played classic music on radio until I felt like sleeping and didn’t worry about it. I would normally be worried about them hearing and would keep it very low but I stopped worrying. I will admit that a couple of nights just after that I kept the music playing in the next room to me all night. And I didn’t worry. I never heard the cornet playing late at night again. I don’t even feel mean about it.

Once they start obsessing on your noise, they will drive themselves potty with it and it won't matter what effort you make.
Our last neighbour was psychotic by the end, setting off air horns in her garden (I kid you not)
We were polite at first, there was nothing after 8pm or before 7am and nothing that couldn't be covered by flicking the radio on on their side, she complained to the council, which came to nothing cos their was nothing unreasonable. Then she called the police on me twice during lockdown (I was teaching students online with the window open and she thought they were in my house.) police put it down as malicious calls after the 2nd time.
They eventually moved (hallelujah) and we now have normal neighbours with dogs and grandkids.

For gods sake just turn your flipping music down

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Time for an honest chat about all the issues on both sides.

Hopefully you can come to an amicable agreement with her.

YABU There us nothing worse than having to listen to other people’s noise when you are trying to relax in your own home.
if she asks you to turn it down it’s clearly bothering her then do it and be a good neighbour. Noise can severely affect someone’s mental health. When you share a wall with someone you need to be considerate.

I suspect you’re both a bit in the right.

You say you’ve recently downsized to a semi. Fact is, you need to respect your neighbours, so you can’t behave in a semi the way you may have behaved in a detached house.
The dynamics and acoustics are different. Same as if you’d moved into a flat - you impact your neighbours differently, and need to adjust the way you live.

Having said that, unless the music was on at a high volume for a protracted period of time and late into the night, I think her tolerance levels seem quite low.

Best thing to do is have her over for a cuppa (or glass of wine) and talk about it. Say you don’t want to upset her, but do want to be allowed to ‘live’ your lives.
Take it from there.

I may have the discussion about what's acceptable but in the meantime is volume 3/4 unacceptable on an Alexa?

No idea what Alexa levels are like.

Surely you have some sense of how loud your music was? If it was background music while you could hear each other easily speaking in a normal voice, then it seems unlikely it was unreasonably loud.

If it was being played loud as if for dancing or whatever, and you were having to speak with raised voices to hear each other, then it was probably too loud.

The neighbour's not the one who's in her 80s. The op's mother in law us.

This is probably why the previous occupants moved out after 2 years.

Maybe be aware on the bass level. A very quiet setting on an Alexa can boom through the walls if the bass is up high and make even a podcast sound very loud!