Husband's libido is gone

[Bloozie]

Name changed just in case.

My husband is 52, I'm 46. We've been together coming up for a decade. Our sex drives have always been mismatched. I don't like to label anyone's as 'normal' as normal is so subjective, but my husband historically would be happy with sex once, maybe twice, a fortnight, and I'd be happy with sex two or three times a week. It has always been a bone of contention between us - something we used to argue about, but then it just became a thing I had to deal with. I can't force him to want more sex, and I wouldn't want to, so I reframed my expectations, as it were.

However, he has been on antidepressants for a year and now his libido has completely disappeared. And I am really struggling with it.

I married my first boyfriend, and very young. So I haven't had a load of sexual partners.

But my sex life with my first boyfriend/now ex-husband was very good. Even towards the end, when it was clear the marriage was dying, the sex was the last thing to go, our libidos matched, it was very good. I had two relationships after him, one short and that resulted in a UTI every single time we had sex, one with a very complicated, depressed man that had problems with... everything, and who also lost his libido.

I can't shake the thought that I am never going to have a fulfilling sex life again. It hangs over me like a cloud, runs down my spine like icy dread, and makes me so, so sad. I'm 46, The idea that my ex-husband is as good as it's ever going to get for me, and lies 16 years in my past, is profoundly depressing.

It's having an impact on every aspect of my relationship with my now husband. He knows how I feel but it is clearly very unfair and unhelpful of me to keep bringing it up, and I can't talk to my friends about it, so it's just something that grows and festers in my head.

It is something that he says concerns him too. He says he is worried about his prostate. But it isn't concerning him to the degree that he is taking any proactive steps to change things. After me getting upset during one of our infrequent conversations about our sex life, he did book an appointment to see his GP. He explained that the lack of libido was problematic for us. But he ended up seeing a different GP who instead told him to come off the anti-depressants altogether, and gave him a 2-week withdrawal regime with barely any tapering. This worried me and my dh, so he ended up staying on them.

And that's where we are now.

The only way I can deal with not being desired is by shutting off the part of me that desires him. Wanting something you can't have is utterly miserable. I learned that with my last partner. So it's like I've built a wall around the part of me that found my husband attractive. And I did, for a long time, find him very very attractive. But now he's labelled as Not For Sex, I find any intimacy with him unsettling. He's never been one for deep kissing, presumably because he's never been much interested in sex, but now when he does kiss me, his tongue feels alien and not good in my mouth. I don't feel comfortable naked in front of him. It's like we've friendzoned each other but my friendzoning is coming with a side order of the ick.

Our marriage bumbles along in other regards. He has a hobby he's deeply passionate about and lots of friends, and I get the impression that they are more rewarding to him than me. I suspect he's Audhd, he gets really into special interests, and that's where he gets everything he needs. He values the domesticity of a relationship, the teamwork of running a house, but not really the relationship, so much. I find the house stuff deeply fucking boring and I've done it on my own as a single mum for a good long stretch, with no family support and while running a business. It's obviously nice having someone to share the load, but I don't need anyone to share the load.

It's making me question the whole relationship. And I have a doomy feeling that when he does come off the SSRIs, his libido won't return. It's the fact he isn't that bothered that really upsets me. I get why he doesn't want me, but not why he doesn't want to want me. I suppose that is also linked to him not being that arsed about sex in the first place.

Sorry this is long. I am just feeling really glum about it all tonight.

At first read I think you are no longer compatible. I totally get where you are coming from. I was helplessly in love with a guy back in my 20s but he said he was a once a week kind of guy. I found his lack of libido so distressing I eventually broke up with him. I remember that distress vividly. I'd suggest counselling first. There may be a solution. But a separation is also a distinct possibility. I feel for you 💐

Can he try another antidepressant?

And tell him to get his prostate checked out.

"This is as good as it gets" makes my stomach drop.

I know the grass isn't greener on my own, but I believe in monogamy and I would never be unfaithful, so at least on my own there would be the possibility of having a fulfilling sex life.

I no longer believe it's possible with my husband, given this mismatch pre-dates his current medically-induced sex coma.

The best case alternatives are I nag him into talking to his GP again and he's prescribed something else (nagging for sex - so sexy! So dignified!), or he comes off the SSRIs sensibly and his usual libido returns.

Worst case alternative for me is we just carry on like this.

Personally I don't believe this is as good as it gets.

You only have one life.

You could leave him, date new people and see where it goes. No guarantees you'd find someone, but at least the opportunity for something else.

I think if I suggested counselling, he'd agree, but with a sense of resentment around me not being more understanding/willing to accept a low sex/no sex marriage.

When we used to argue about it, he'd say, what if my dick fell off? What if I was paralysed and couldn't have sex? Would you leave me?

I can see his point. But I also see couples on social media dealing with paraplegia and very limiting disabilities, while maintaining an intimate sex life. Yes, using all sorts of drugs and pieces of equipment, but that's worth it to them, to maintain their relationship. People find a way to make it happen when they value it. He holds up his parents in their 80s as relationship goals, because they still hold hands and sleep in the same bed. I want more than companionship.

And then I feel really selfish.

That was something he was going to discuss when he last saw his GP, but now the new GP has told him brusquely he's been on them too long, his focus is coming off them.

(Separate issue but I don't think his mental health is robust enough right now, but it's his mental health, not mine, so I just need to buckle up and deal with any negative consequences. He deferred coming off them over Christmas at my request because I wanted us both just to be able to relax and enjoy time off work without the withdrawal effects, and he agreed, but it's not my call to make otherwise.)

He had his prostate checked out a few years ago and it was fine. But his very close friend died of prostate cancer recently and so the importance of regular ejaculation is something that bothers him.

You aren't selfish. Sadly as you have found, when he person is forced into celibacy they have to switch off everything to cope. People can't just switch off one aspect of intimacy. That's not how we work. We are joined up. So switching off the intimacy includes affection and attention and then it all descends.

People think it's easy as this with the low libido.

It's not selfish to want what is a normal part of a relationship.

You could just as easily say he was being selfish in expecting you to give up the idea of a sexlife.

You're just mismatched.

Op
Life is short and we only get one of them and you're only half way through. I agree with everything you said about wanting him to want to want you. I'm not sure there is any coming back from this and I think I would really resent him making you feel less than for wanting a sex life .

He's never really been interested in sex and ADs are notorious for lowering libido.

There are of course things you can try such as him visiting his GP and seeing if there's a physical problem such as low testosterone or high blood pressure.You can also try sex therapy.

However he needs to be willing to explore this and you need to be able to reach a compromise.

Where do you think that hyperbolic “what if..?” conversation / display of brinkmanship that you had with your husband came from? Is that how he always thinks or is that the depression that makes him think this way?

It’s impossible to see how one can reason with someone who is so depressed / otherwise removed from active sympathy with your plight that they think your needs can be minimised like this.

It came from him feeling cornered and wanting to lash out, I think. It's something he does that he recognises is wrong, but struggles to suppress sometimes: when we are arguing, he will reach for something in his armoury that he knows will hurt me. He doesn't do it all the time, and it has got better since he has been on the anti-depressants, but his instinct is to defend through attack. And at that time, when arguments about sex were quite frequent, he felt under the cosh so often went in with both feet. He also once described me as thinking 'like an incel' when I said that I didn't think it was unreasonable for me to expect sex within a marriage.

And again, i can see his point. Married or not, no one is entitled to sex. But my partner is the only person in the world I can have sex with, and we entered the relationship on what I felt was a very good start, sexually. In the early months we were separated by distance and in hindsight this probably masked the mismatch between our libidos as we didn't see each other very often. It all started to go wrong when we moved in together.

He doesn't minimise my needs routinely. Far from it. I just think that he is so far from feeling able to meet my needs sexually, that he's hiding from it all and hoping it goes away. I stop caring/my perimenopause kills my own sex drive and lets him off the hook, or his libido switches back on, on its own. That love will be enough. And it should be, shouldn't it? I feel so rotten about it all.

It boils down to would you rather be married or single and looking for cock.

It's usually men who value sex above all else.

So he wants you to disclaim your wish for, your need for and even your right for a sexual life.

I feel he is overreaching his role in your life. He’s not your morality guide, he is your husband. And having sexual wishes and urges is nothing to be ashamed of. I hope I would say this to you were you a man, too. Because it applies both ways.

I don’t think that platonic love needs to be enough in a romantic partnership. Do you, really? If you both choose to be celibate or to flirt with being celibate, that is one thing. This is one-sided though.

I don’t think you should feel ashamed of what you want.

And the fact that he reaches for these very hurtful things to say: it doesn’t make it any better whether these things said in anger or in calmness, when such things are said in order to hurt and wound. It’s what a narcissist does - take advantage of the inside knowledge they have of you, so as to craft the most painful insult. You are married, not total strangers! It’s natural to want to be physically intimate within a marriage.

If you had a friend or daughter in your shoes, what might you tell them?

I'm really sorry to hear this. I agree that antidepressants aren't the whole story - he was probably pushing himself a bit to meet you before. If you'd reached the point of arguing about sex quite a while ago, that's not great.

I do think an alternative antidepressant offers some hope. I'd ask very strongly to go to the GP with him.

My dh has severe depression so I am saying this from a kind point of view - for a man to seek help with his depression and agree to take medication for it, especially an older man, that takes a lot of courage and he must have been in a very dark place mentally. Do you know what triggered this off? I think unpicking all of that might be key to where you are now relationship wise. Saying that, it’s clear he’s just been compromising - he doesn’t ever want sex judging by his actions and has just been keeping you happy, and now he doesn’t feel he needs to. So sadly he’s either very depressed, or he isn’t placing as much value on the relationship- or both.

Ooh look Someone else who wants women in this situation to STFU and suck it (up)

Because above all else women want marriage right?? RIGHT????

Not personal happiness and satisfaction. Suck it up and stay MAAAAARRRRRRIIIIIEEEEEDD 🙄

Well these are very extreme binaries. I want to be in an intimate relationship with the person I love. I can't imagine never having sex again. I respect my husband's right not to want to have sex, but for me, it's part of a healthy relationship - not above all else, but as I'm learning, it has such an impact on everything else. If I had wanted to marry my best friend, I would have, and we'd probably argue less. I can cope with fits and starts - that's just natural right, your sex life ebbs and flows, you have young children and there's more ebbing than flowing...

But this is different. It is a permanent absence of something that's important to me, and that is impacting on all of my feelings for my husband, because once you train yourself not to see someone as an object of desire, once you wire your brain to a point where it isn't appropriate to want them any more, then all intimacy feels wrong. Kissing definitely feels weird. Holding hands - that's what lovers or parents do. Being naked in bed - even sleeping in the same bed... Once you've made the self-preserving leap to, there's no point in hoping for sex, then something dies.

And I think it's something important.

And I guess there is a lesson for women there. If you've been going through a sex drought and your partner eventually stops showing an interest in you sexually - something has died in them.

I don't just want his cock. I want those moments where time stops and nothing else matters but you and him and your bodies. When you get outside of your own head and out of your own way, and are just sensation, where every touch reaffirms your love for each other. I want to know that I am making him feel good. It's not about what he does to me and my body, it's that I do actually love his cock, as it goes, and consider it worthy of considerable time and attention. I want the flirting. I want the point of connection it creates between two people with busy lives. It's shorthand for so much, and the most beautiful longhand.

I'm not interested in being single and pursuing cock.

I don't know what triggered it. Neither does he. He swears blind that he was happy, there was nothing on his mind, it wasn't an 'us' thing. And it happened so quickly. He came home from a break with his best friend and he seemed, and reflecting on it himself says he really was, fine. 6 days later, he really, really wasn't fine. Obviously I have reached the conclusion that it must be the juxtaposition of being away with his mate and living a carefree single life, then coming home to me and our marriage, but he is adamant it isn't this.

But you're right. It's hard for men to admit they have problems of any kind, let alone with their mental health.

The conclusion you reach is the one I have reached.

If I had a daughter or friend, I'd tell her that life is short and, what's worse, it races by in the blink of an eye. I'd say that happiness is not guaranteed in or out of a relationship, the grass isn't greener, but situations that make you actively unhappy, for a long period of time, are situations you should get out of. So either the marriage changes, or it ends.

There has to be compromise within this. But if one person wants a sex life and the other person doesn't, it's not something you can easily compromise on.

FFS. This is so bleak and depressing. I don't want the end of my marriage to be inevitable. But I also don't want to keep nagging about it.

We spoke about it on Sunday night because he could tell I'd been feeling quiet and not myself all day and while I didn't want to put my feelings on him and make him feel worse, saying there's nothing wrong was a bit ridic and pass-agg. I'd had a dream about sex (with someone else), and it was so vivid and wonderful. I felt guilty but also - I really enjoyed my dream sex, and I guess it just brought it back to me that those kind of feelings aren't for me any more, within our relationship. 30 years of Netflix and endless conversations about what to have for dinner are as good as it's going to get. A bed that's just for sleeping.

So I told him, and he seemed frustrated. A bit, 'that again? I knew it was that'. Only a bit. He promised to call his GP. As far as I know, he hasn't. I daren't ask.

Even this is killing it - and us. I just do not want to - and simply won't - keep asking him to go further on the medical side of things. I don't want to bully him into having sex with me. No one's libido ever came back through nagging. And his mental health is obviously more important anyway. He sees the answer as coming off anti-depressants completely. I don't know if he's ready for that, but it's not my call. But I don't want to nag him into any decisions around it, either way.

But watching the months go by and no action being taken is killing us, from my perspective. I could live with someone that wanted to want me, but for whatever reason couldn't perform.

Living with someone that doesn't want to have sex me, and doesn't want to want to, is killing me.

And he's also really angry with me about my behaviour on Sunday. I was honestly just being quiet. I didn't want to tell him when I woke up, that I'd dreamed of fucking someone else on Friday night, it was amazing, and over the course of the weekend I'd become increasingly sad that it feels like a fulfilling sex life is firmly in my past and something I'll only ever get to dream about.

I genuinely thought that this is the kind of information I should keep to myself, to avoid putting any more pressure on someone already feel delicate about their lack of libido. But apparently I was wrong.

So he's been in a shit of a mood with me ever since - "I'm still furious about your behaviour on Sunday." To me, this feels like massive deflection, but it's impossible to suggest this.

If he has never been interested in sex much then that’s only going to get worse as he gets older. It’s probably nothing to do with you and he would be like this with anyone. He can’t help that. All you can do is make decisions for yourself. It’s not fair to try and change him.

Have you suggested to him that either

He sorts his AD and his prostate and has some couples counselling

Or

You take a lover

I mean.....its reasonable for him not to want sex. Its unreasonable for him to stop you having it

Why can't he ensure that you orgasm, even if he doesn't want to?

I'd reached that point in my head prior to him starting taking the tablets. That our sex life wasn't as regular as I would like it to be, but I can't change him, and that's ok. It was frequent enough.

I made the compromise. But now it's a different conversation.