Husband's libido is gone

[Bloozie]

Name changed just in case.

My husband is 52, I'm 46. We've been together coming up for a decade. Our sex drives have always been mismatched. I don't like to label anyone's as 'normal' as normal is so subjective, but my husband historically would be happy with sex once, maybe twice, a fortnight, and I'd be happy with sex two or three times a week. It has always been a bone of contention between us - something we used to argue about, but then it just became a thing I had to deal with. I can't force him to want more sex, and I wouldn't want to, so I reframed my expectations, as it were.

However, he has been on antidepressants for a year and now his libido has completely disappeared. And I am really struggling with it.

I married my first boyfriend, and very young. So I haven't had a load of sexual partners.

But my sex life with my first boyfriend/now ex-husband was very good. Even towards the end, when it was clear the marriage was dying, the sex was the last thing to go, our libidos matched, it was very good. I had two relationships after him, one short and that resulted in a UTI every single time we had sex, one with a very complicated, depressed man that had problems with... everything, and who also lost his libido.

I can't shake the thought that I am never going to have a fulfilling sex life again. It hangs over me like a cloud, runs down my spine like icy dread, and makes me so, so sad. I'm 46, The idea that my ex-husband is as good as it's ever going to get for me, and lies 16 years in my past, is profoundly depressing.

It's having an impact on every aspect of my relationship with my now husband. He knows how I feel but it is clearly very unfair and unhelpful of me to keep bringing it up, and I can't talk to my friends about it, so it's just something that grows and festers in my head.

It is something that he says concerns him too. He says he is worried about his prostate. But it isn't concerning him to the degree that he is taking any proactive steps to change things. After me getting upset during one of our infrequent conversations about our sex life, he did book an appointment to see his GP. He explained that the lack of libido was problematic for us. But he ended up seeing a different GP who instead told him to come off the anti-depressants altogether, and gave him a 2-week withdrawal regime with barely any tapering. This worried me and my dh, so he ended up staying on them.

And that's where we are now.

The only way I can deal with not being desired is by shutting off the part of me that desires him. Wanting something you can't have is utterly miserable. I learned that with my last partner. So it's like I've built a wall around the part of me that found my husband attractive. And I did, for a long time, find him very very attractive. But now he's labelled as Not For Sex, I find any intimacy with him unsettling. He's never been one for deep kissing, presumably because he's never been much interested in sex, but now when he does kiss me, his tongue feels alien and not good in my mouth. I don't feel comfortable naked in front of him. It's like we've friendzoned each other but my friendzoning is coming with a side order of the ick.

Our marriage bumbles along in other regards. He has a hobby he's deeply passionate about and lots of friends, and I get the impression that they are more rewarding to him than me. I suspect he's Audhd, he gets really into special interests, and that's where he gets everything he needs. He values the domesticity of a relationship, the teamwork of running a house, but not really the relationship, so much. I find the house stuff deeply fucking boring and I've done it on my own as a single mum for a good long stretch, with no family support and while running a business. It's obviously nice having someone to share the load, but I don't need anyone to share the load.

It's making me question the whole relationship. And I have a doomy feeling that when he does come off the SSRIs, his libido won't return. It's the fact he isn't that bothered that really upsets me. I get why he doesn't want me, but not why he doesn't want to want me. I suppose that is also linked to him not being that arsed about sex in the first place.

Sorry this is long. I am just feeling really glum about it all tonight.

Yeah I think that's me being overly demanding really. I want my cake and eat it. I don't just want to orgasm, like he's a sex toy and I just need his fingers and tongue. I want to make him orgasm. I want to enjoy his body, for myself. I want him to want me.

It's almost certainly tied up with the fact that my sex life hasn't been brilliant over the course of my life, which of course isn't his fault. But, my ex-husband aside, the sex has come with a side order of burning urine, or so much dark complication. The man I was with before my current husband was so, so messed up. His mental health was awful. Our relationship was very deep, very dark, he was VERY dependent on me, he loved me to death and would literally have dragged me down... There was no levity. It was intense. And he lost his libido too. (I promise I don't make men depressed and effectively neutered, he came as a fully formed parcel of grief-stricken, low self-esteem angst). It was very difficult to end it with him, I feel guilty about it to this day, but he was like an emotional vampire. As much as I loved him, it wasn't healthy.

So coming out of that, I just wanted normal, you know? Man meets woman, sparks fly and they have a lot of sex to start with, which settles down to sex a couple of times a week that happens as easily and naturally as going to the toilet. Probs with the help of viagra and lube as we get a bit older, but these things accepted cheerfully as part and parcel of what sex means as you get older. I'm 46, he's 52. Neither of us are geriatric.

I can't take a lover. I would hate it if he did. I'm not wired that way.

My DP is 56.

He was struggling to finish when we first got together and was mortified. I thought it might have been porn use or something else but it absolutely wasn’t. He’d been on anti depressants then for about 2 years / I educated myself and we read and read read up about it.

He saw the GP and the GP suggested coming off them or lowering the dose - but 100% hand on heart I value his mental health more. So we went down a vitamins route and then he takes something - to help him stay erect for slightly longer and it works.

At times I have had a serious UTI - 4 months on antibiotics and he didn’t do anything other than support.

In your case just tell him - you have an appointment on Friday at 10 am with a male GP for your prostrate etc sorry mate but you didn’t make an appointment - it’s fine - cancel and rearrange if you like but if you don’t go - I can’t help you and I have to make my own choices.

As for x2, x3, x10 a week - can’t you come to a compromise but I’m firmly of the opinion Id rather have two wonderful shags than 10 ones of going through the motions

I can't take a lover. I would hate it if he did. I'm not wired that way

I understand completely 🥰

Then.....he MUST step up and make moves.....change/come off ADs, counselling etc

If he won't or makes excuses AGAIN, then you have your answer and (sadly) you can move on or simply accept

Sending you love ❤️

Can I ask what vitamins your husband takes? I've researched too and there are so many recommendations. I know everyone is different and what works for your partner might not work for mine, but I'd be interested to learn.

I do not want my partner to come off anti-depressants because of this. His mental health is 100% more important.

You and your husband sound like a good team. When you couldn't have sex, he supported you. When he was struggling to finish, you problem solved together, he went to his GP, and arrived at a solution in the form of supplements that work for your sex life AND his mental health.

I know it's very difficult for my husband to talk about, indeed any man, but mine's just hiding his head in the sand.

Yours understood your needs during the 4 month UTI break. You value that he supported you and put his own wants and desires second.

I feel like I've put my own second for about 7 years now and it's getting worse. :-(

I can't make a GP appointment for him. He'd be really, really angry. To be clear, his concerns about his prostate relate to the increased risk of developing prostate cancer because he isn't ejaculating, not because he thinks there's something wrong right now. It's what his loss of libido could lead to, in the future.

This is going to sound completely bonkers but i’ll say it anyways.
So he came back from trip away with a mate and completely changed within days which jas resulted in dwindling/complete disappearance if his libido towards you.
Forgive me if this is completely off the mark but is there a slight possibility something happened on this trip with a mate.. like he’s discovered he’s actually gay?

I thought the same as soon as I read the post about the trip with a friend.
Not necessarily that he's gay, although could be, but that something happened/was said on that trip that changed things.

Somewhat of an aside but I think that one of the biggest myths out there is that depression must be ‘triggered’ by something. I’m a psychiatrist, so as you can imagine I see lots of depressed people. And yes, absolutely, depression is sometimes reactive. But often, it’s not. It just happens. It used be called endogenous or melancholic depression. I’ve had people say to me, bewildered, that they’ve no reason to be depressed, that they have good, indeed charmed, lives and they can’t understand it. But depression is sometimes a biological, endogenous illness, without any particular cause and it can be a fools errand to go endlessly chasing the reason.

Omg!

That's a very pertinent point 🥰

And one I missed

He has no right to be angry with you for bringing up your sex life (or lack of) in a calm way of a Sunday morning, then or now. You are trying to make the r’ship workable for you too.

But, by your logic re: not booking a GP appt for you, I can see that what he does - getting angry when you overstep an invisible mark and then berating you for it, hours and even days later - works for him. It is, whether you (or he) are aware of it or not, a mechanism of control.

You are not booking him a GP appt - an appt that he needs - because of his anger. Not because it’s the wrong thing to do but because he will have a tantrum, throw his toys out of the pram and withdraw his affection.

I call bullshit. And I also suggest that you do book him the vital GP appt. If he doesn’t go and if he is angry, you can hold your own. Sexual health is health. Sex is part of love. It’s in his interests that you book this, if he wants you to continue being a couple.

In your shoes, would I be as patient and understanding? I wonder.

I thought this too.

Besides that @Bloozie you're far too young to spend the rest of your life with no sex. Whether you say it to your DH or not, maybe give him a time limit to sort himself out

Those of you theorising that he might be gay... I really don't think that's it. It is very possible that something could have happened on his holiday though that made him reassess his life choices. He hasn't really lived with a woman before me - I think he lived with his previous partner for about a year and a half, in a couple of blocks of time. He shared rented houses with friends for a lot of his adult life, and went travelling. He doesn't have children of his own, though he's a brilliant stepdad to my son. Basically, he hasn't had many responsibilities beyond to his own happiness. And he isn't selfish as a partner, or indeed irresponsible, but the life that we have together is very different to the life he lived before we met. The friend he went on holiday is the person he has lived with for longest in his life, and the pace of life with him is very different.

I also think turning 50 hit my husband very very hard.

But he says he can't pinpoint a reason, so it could be as SammyLady says, and purely a chemical nosedive. He had full bloods at the time and there's no medical explanation - testosterone is low end of fine.

I tried talking to him about it this morning. I asked if he'd called the GP yet. He hadn't. I made one last attempt to explain why it's important, but he just wanted the conversation to be over: "I know, I know, I know. I get it, I get, you don't have to keep saying it."

Hmmm. If he got it, he'd have spoken to his GP in July last year, when we were on holiday and had a conversation in the car about how worried I was about the lack of sex in our marriage. Side note while I'm feeling sorry for myself - historically, being away on holiday is when he is LEAST likely to feel horny. If he doesn't want me when we are away and relaxed with no responsibilities or commitments, I really am screwed, aren't I? We didn't have sex on our honeymoon ffs.

I do understand how hard it is to talk to the GP about it all, and he has a binary in his head that he either has good mental health, or sex. He's either on anti-depressants and devoid of a libido, or off them and full of anger again.

This makes me sad, because it shows me hasn't googled the world of possibility in between those two things: switching to a bupropion antidepressant, or taking a small dose of bupropion as well as sertraline, which apparently helps, or taking supplements alongside sertraline, or lowering the dose of sertraline, or taking sertraline holidays before occasions he might want to have sex...

How can I know this, and him not, if he actually wants to have a sex life again? I know it's hard, and I'm trying to be understanding because it's such a delicate thing, but why hasn't he done even the bare minimum research to arm himself and try and change things?

I tried to tell him about the above this morning, but he doesn't want to listen, or even have the conversation. I told him that i can't imagine not growing old with him, but I can't imagine not having a fulfilling sex life ever again either, and the fact that he doesn't want to want me is upsetting. He sees it all as me delivering ultimatums to him, which I'm genuinely not. I'm trying really hard not to, while being honest, because if we don't talk about it, I will simmer and stew myself into a bad place, and he will just keep ignoring it. I told him that our marriage won't end because of the sex, it will be the lack of communication about it all.

I just think he's really resentful of me now though. So I guess I have to take the conversation off the table. He's called our GP and to get an appointment on Feb 5, he needs to ring again on Jan 29. That kind of shit doesn't help either tbh.

Thank you all for all your words. It really has helped me being able to talk to people about it.

I’m really sorry. Your posts sound like you are defeated op. I am a similar age to you and my partner 4 years younger. When I did complain the rare time about lack of sex and at those points it was twice a week so not a famine, he was slightly defensive because he was hurt but then did a lot to make it right.
What I don’t like about your husband is that he shuts you down and minimises your feelings treating you like someone that’s moshing because you left the toilet seat up. It’s a big thing to you and it’s valid. Your feelings are very valid here.

• moanIng Not moshing 😣

@Bloozie I'm 47, single, and, well, I'm not sure 'looking for cock' is the right expression 😂 but I'm dating and having sex. I have a high sex drive, and there's no way I could settle for not enough sex (let alone NO sex!).

It kind of sounds like he's not particularly bothered about the situation and just wants you to stop going on about it.

I think he just thinks it's worse for him than it is for me. He's depressed AND has no libido AND feels like he isn''t making his wife happy, AND I keep raising it as an issue. I'm just not having sex. What's the big deal?

If I try to tell him how it impacts me, I'm making it all about me.

I don't think depressed people are good people to talk to about such things. He's low on empathy at the moment.

He definitely would be happier if I just shut up about it, but doesn't everyone want an easy life in that regard?

Thank you for saying my feelings are valid. It honestly makes me want to cry. He makes me feel like I am trying to make him feel worse, like I'm not supportive. And I know when you are depressed that other people's demands are a lot. I know it can feel like too much even just to get yourself through the day, let alone be a good partner or friend or whatever. But I either tell him how I feel, or the marriage dies.

Have you considered that he has a lower libido and the antidepressants are a convenient way of avoiding the real discussion - that you are sexually incompatible.

Even if you went back to your pre-AD sex life, it still wouldn’t be frequent enough for you.

Second post to add that you do need to take the conversation off the table. At this point you know he doesn’t want to change how he is and he doesn’t want to discuss it. Pushing the conversation on him and trying to force change is not reasonable.

I agree. There isn't anything else I can or should do.

I would agree that we are sexually incompatible, but that it was an incompatibility that I had already made the decision I could very much live with, prior to our sex life going from a couple a times a fortnight to disappearing.

I think you are on this territory where you can’t really do anything else. It doesn’t mean you can’t share your thoughts and worries on your thread though. I am sure there are many other women in the same situation that you’ve been in that could share wise words. Your situation is difficult as he’s got depression and you clearly love him but I think in time this love will turn to resentment if you can’t find a way forward. I don’t think he’s completely being honest with you … I can’t put my finger on it but I just feel he isn’t .

I am very familiar with your situation.

I wish I had words of comfort to say that it gets better or easier. I don’t think it does.

The fact that on your honeymoon the libido was still at low ebb. And that on holidays there is this pattern too. Says there is withholding here, not just a low libido. It may not be consciously done, but it wasn’t just an accident either.

Well done for doing as much as you are to ensure the situation moves on, if it can at all. Are you able to talk to any of your friends about it?

Op I'm in this situation but my dh is early 40s. It's been like this for years... at least 7. I have an incredibly high sex drive, i didnt realise just how low his was. I thought I'd made my peace with it until it completely disappeared. Its now gone from a few times a year to absolutely never.

You have expressed it all far more eloquently than I could.
I have tried everything but he won't do anything to resolve it and doesnt see it as an issue. I've made Dr's apps he doesn't go, I've booked counselling, he didn't come. He can't understand why I'm so bothered.

The truth is that I'm not anymore. I cant see him like that anymore, I had to cut it off because the constant rejection is too painful. It's absolutely destroyed my confidence over the years but I'm slowly getting it back.

I've resorted to finding a fwb which has made me feel guilty but alive again. He is in a similar situation. I'm starting to feel like myself again and not just the invisible woman.

I'll leave when I'm able to but for now, this is saving my sanity.

I'm sorry OP, this sounds awful. I don't have any experience of an experience like this and I for one couldn't bear it. However, I had to post to say that your feelings are valid too. Just because he is depressed doesn't mean you don't have a right to have feelings or be affected by his behaviour or inaction or dismissiveness. You say he is low on empathy at the moment - if you are truthful with yourself has he ever been high on empathy? Doesn't sound like it from everything you have said. I think its very likely if you look deeply enough you'll find other things that arent great other than just the sex. It sounds like you love him a lot more than he loves you. He doesn't care how much this is hurting you, he doesn't care about your feelings at all and the fact that he is depressed doesn't make that OK.